18+ I'll Never Say "I Love You"

[ravenwyck]

I'll Never Say "I Love You"

 

Status:

In Progress

Summary:

Raven contemplates the nature of his relationship with a rude, sarcastic guy named Jay.

"If I don't even like you, why is it so warm in your arms?"

Author's Note:

I write because I find it relaxing, but it has always been a private hobby. I've never had the confidence to share a story I have written before. But idea that someone else might get enjoyment out of something I have also enjoyed , I think that makes me happy. Also, I promised someone that I would keep trying new things even, and especially, if I found it scary.

The idea for this story was partly auto-biographical in nature, but I will have to leave it to you decide which parts were real and which entirely my from my brain. Please bear with me and if you find it worthwhile, I will try to continue.

Warning:

This story contains or will contain the use strong language and sexually explicit scenes and therefore is only intended for mature readers.

 

---

 

First Impressions

 

Lately, when I think about him, I find myself thinking about the past...

 

I'm not usually a nostalgic person, In truth, I don't really have a good memory at all. Often, When I meet someone the moment slips away and later I can recall it only vaguely; a location, a feeling of my first impression. Even if we later become close friends, worst enemies, or dearest lovers, that first moment is always just a hazy memory. Mind is full of those vague remembrances when it comes to people.

 

It was different with him. I can still recall almost every detail of the first time we met.

 

The truth is, I hated him at first sight. But even disliking him as I did, I always remembered that meeting. Like a beacon in the fog, even if it leads to danger, you cant help but be drawn in. Perhaps, something as small a that one clear memory started it all.

 

***

In order to feel less like a loner and maybe have some fun, I had recently joined a group of 'medieval fighters.' The group was more than that, really, it was a group for people interested in the middle and teach/learn history, hobbies, skills, and combat from the middle ages. For me it was really just the chance at combat that brought and kept me there. I had never felt more alive than I did facing off against an opponent on that field.

 

The plan, as usual, was that after a few hours of beating each other with sticks we would go to a restaurant to eat. A few of us had stayed late, unwilling to stop even though it was already full dark, so the place was packed and I was exhausted, but happy, by the time I arrived.

 

I paused for a minute to greet the bulk of the group in the front of the build before strolling to the "little kids table" in the back. The name was a bit of a joke. While everyone at our table was younger than the group average, the real reason we sat in the back was because they let us smoke there and our conversations tended to be too mature for the family friendly atmosphere the rest of the group enjoyed

.

That night, as I walked around the corner to our usual spot, I noticed someone new at the table. Wearing ragged jeans and a slightly worn t-shirt, he was tall with unkempt blond hair that fell over his eyes. Judging by his build, he looked like the kind of guy who did physical labor for a living. He hadn't shaved in what looked like several days and beer sloshed unnoticed from the glass in his large callused hand as he laughed with my newly forming friends. I remember thinking he looked rough around the edges and a bit like a slob.

 

My friend Brand, noticed me as I reached the table. With a grin he introduced me to the blond, Jay, one of his oldest friends, who he had been wanting me to meet. I rubbed my peach-fuzz shaved head in what I hoped no one had yet realized was a nervous gesture as I made my greetings. Beyond being shy in general, the truth is, I am always a little worried when I first meet guys like him. Guys like him were always the kind who bashed guys like me. As if to prove the point, he looked at me for only a moment before his blue eyes took on an arrogant cast and he opened his mouth to speak.

 

"Man, whats with that hair? You some kind of white supremacist or something?"

 

My hand dropped from my head as I suppressed both a blush and a flash of anger. The truth about my hair was stupid and personal. I had shaved my head because the first man I had ever loved had loved my hair and I just couldn't cope with the reminder every time I looked in the mirror. I knew I looked awkward; A short bookish guy with glasses and a head of black hair shaved military short. I hated the part of me that had to go that far, but I still kept my shaved my head.

 

"that's right, I'm the only half-Mexican white supremacist I know who's best friend is a black guy," I snapped back, with what I hoped was a witty tone, adding a grin at the end to complete my sarcasm.

 

The rest of the table burst into laughter as I took my seat, each of them knowing me well enough to know the absurdness of his accusation. Jay shrugged at me without apologizing as our buddies had a laugh about what a dick he was. Only a few minutes passed before he asked about my name.

 

"So, Raven, huh?"

 

I recognized his grin and tone. Sometimes when people took in my effeminate features and my nickname which was so often associated with girls, they just had to say something. His tone wasn't really malicious or hostile, just patronizing. I'd dealt with malicious and hostile before, patronizing was easy. I had learned not even to react to it. It still irked to find that reaction here in this new circle of friends but he was just one person and everyone else had been completely accepting so far.

 

"It was a nickname I picked up in high school. I think all the role play stuff they do in this group is stupid. They said all I have to do is being willing to answer to a different name, though. I can do that much and I'm already used to Raven."

 

I knew he wasn't really satisfied with the answer, but I wasn't sure even he knew what answer would have satisfied him. After another shrug on his end, he let his attention shift to the rest of the table. The conversation flowed normally for a while after that and, when he wasn't poking at me, I found, he was actually a good addition to the conversation. He did manage to find opportunities to mock my brand of cigarettes (while he smoked in the middle of the meal), my choice in bands (further explaining that he didn't like music at all really, but especially those I had named), and my size (questioning my ability to fight and joking about how 'girly' I looked). The moments of shared fun became overshadowed by his next rude remark, so when he announced that he was bored hanging with us and he would have more fun by himself at home, I cant say I was sorry to see him go.

 

Once he was gone, Brand asked for my impressions and explained, "Ya, I know he's a huge prick, right? But he just says whatever comes into his head without thinking about others. But, he really doesn't mean anything by it and once he considers you a friend, he will always have your back no matter what."

 

I knew that Jay was Brand's closest friend and friends with everyone else there, so I made the proper neutral responses while being glad that he didn't actually take part in the medieval group very often. While I didn't want my dislike of Jay to damage my friendship with Brand and the others, I knew I would be just as happy if I never had to hang out with him again.

 

***

[MisakiSakuraYFG]

Please write more!!!!! I want to know what happens next!

[ravenwyck]

Roommates

 

Avoiding Jay turned out to be an impossibility as time passed and though I could never quite shake the way he rubbed me the wrong way in our first meeting I grew to accept him as a part of my circle. To be honest, we were all unsociable, sarcastic semi-delinquents at heart and that was the reason we got along so well. Jay just had the distinction of being more prone than the rest of us to push it over the edge, from fun to hurtful, with very little thought or care. The trick to Jay was to think of the group less like friends and more like a pack of animals. Its never good to be seen as the weakest link in a group of wild animals. I realized that I must have looked like easy prey that first night. It didn't take long to show him my teeth were as sharp as his and it usually wasn't worth getting bitten back when he decided to go too far.

 

As it turned out, most of us were dirt poor and either living with our parents or in tiny holes you could barely call apartments. Dana's situation was a little different though. Dana was our 'token' girl. To look at her, she was average in almost every way. Neither short nor tall, neither fat nor skinny, she had brown eyes in a plain face framed with mouse brown hair that hung to her shoulders. What Dana did have however, was a love for all things geeky and a spacious, if only two bedroom, home that she had inherited from her parents. It was to Dana's house we always flocked when looking for a place to hang out.

Dana was also the only one who knew I was bisexual, a fact she revealed she knew after the first time she convinced me that we should have sex. I was her type and she was a great girl. Neither of us wanted a relationship, just the occasional release. If it wasn't perfect, it also wasn't complicated so even the fact that her roommate was Jay didn't stop me from spending more time at Dana's house.

 

It was a few months later, when my own roommate, Dante, received an offer to work in another state and I found myself trying to find somewhere new to live. I was having a hard time finding something I could afford on my own and among my friends there really just was no space for me in their homes. When Dana offered to let me come stay at her place, despite my misgivings (both in relation to our non-relationship and living with Jay), I had to seriously consider the offer and ultimately accept.

 

I felt awkward at the thought of somehow being Dana's "kept man," which at least sounded better than Jay's choice of "boy toy," and Dana thought it unfair to charge me rent when I wouldn't even get a room. So, in exchange for helping with food costs and paying the cheapest utility bill, my small amount of stuff was stuffed into the hall closet and I had space on the couch to sleep (though most nights I took up space in Dana's large bed).

 

Living with Dana was easy, despite my first misgivings nothing changed in our relationship except that I slept in a bed more comfortable than my own used to be. Living with Jay had been the real worry, as hard as he was to deal with in small doses, I wasn't sure how long we would last as roommates before the need to smash his face in until he shut up overwhelmed my desire to keep the peace.

 

Living with Jay turned out to be something I was completely unprepared for and not all for the reasons I might have thought.

 

In groups, Jay was constantly full of angst and spite, always complaining about something in the world he thought was stupid or, often enough, leading the group as a whole to pick on one of its own members. Each of us took our turns being a target and for the most part took it well and gave just as good as we got when the next persons turn came about. Alone, however, Jay was like a completely different animal.

 

The afternoon of my first day, I was struggling to get my laptop hooked into their network. Dante had always set up all my computer stuff for me and I had just never learned to manage it on my own. I was ready to throw the laptop at a wall when Jay walked in to the living room bleary-eyed and bare chested from sleep and surprised me by immediately noticing my frustration.

 

"Let me get a cigarette and some soda in me and I'll help you with that," He mumbled as he made his way to the kitchen.

 

Returning with a coke, he plopped down on the couch next to me and lit a smoke.

 

"Alright, what are you having trouble with?" He asked as popped the tab on the soda and took a long drink.

 

I found my gaze drifting from his broad shoulders to the strong lines of his throat as he swallowed before turning back to the screen and responding, "Dana gave me the information I needed for the network but apparently I'm an idiot because I cant make it work."

 

I moved to push the laptop closer to him but he shook his head, instead leaning closer to peer over my shoulder as he spoke. "If you really want me to I can do it for you, but if you let me walk you through it, I promise it wont be difficult and you might have an easier time the next time you need to do it yourself."

 

In truth, I had always preffered to learn to do things for myself. Dante was a wizard with computers but had always lacked the patience to help someone understand what it was he was doing to their computer. Jay had a wealth of both patience and knowledge that I wouldn't have imagined. We spent the next hour with my laptop. After fixing the network problem, he showed me other handy features I hadn't been utilizing and pointed out a few pieces of software I might find useful. We spent the day companionably chatting about how we spent our time on the internet and sharing links. I was not usually one to ogle buddies, bad habit that, but I found myself almost disappointed when Jay finally went to his room and returned pulling a shirt down over his defined but not overly muscular abs. The rest of the day passed in ease as we talked or not when the mood hit and managed to keep a friendly atmosphere for the entire day. Later, when Dana came home, I made dinner for the three of us which he even managed to compliment.

 

Two weeks after I moved in, Jay quit his job. He had been making cabinets for a local company when he strained his back and being unable to complete the heavy work required, he quit to find a job that would be easier on his back while he recovered. This left Jay with a lot of free time and we found ourselves alone in the house more and more often.

 

Alone with Jay, I learned more about him every day. He never lost that rough quality and like a strange dog you were never quite sure if he would accept or try to snap your hand off when you reached out. Despite that, he was also surprisingly helpful, intelligent, and sometimes even thoughtful.

 

Coming into the living room one afternoon, he told me he was going to get something to eat and asked if I was hungry and if I wanted anything while he was out. He had already heard me whine about having to spend all my money getting work done on my car that week and having no disposable income to speak of, so I wondered why he even bothered to ask.

 

"Appreciate the offer man, but you know I'm broke til payday so I'll have to pass," I responded.

 

"I didn't ask if you had money. I asked if you were hungry," His voice was flat and annoyance flashed in his eyes as if I were trying to offend him.

 

"Yes, I'm hungry," I sighed.

 

"Right then, what would like to eat? I was thinking of going to McD's." The irritation was gone from his face as if I had imagined it to begin with.

 

I asked for two burgers after an impatient look from him when I tried to ask for just one. When he returned a short time later with two burgers, some fries, and a pack of my brand of smokes I had the good grace to hide my surprise and just murmur my gratefulness around mouthfuls of sandwich while we ate together.

 

We spent most free afternoons playing the xbox together and chatting about whatever came to mind. While I avoided the topics I feared would cause contention between us and never asked why he didn't seem to spend more time looking for a job, we did find time to share many small details about our interests, our pasts, and our plans for the future. In some ways he was the opposite of someone I would choose to hang out with but in others we had quite a bit in common. For instance, I discovered that because of our upbringings he and I both struggled against similar ideas of 'weakness' when it came to being a man and what was and wasn't acceptable. It had gone slightly better for me because my step father was a little less hardcore than his and my mother had always been a treasure trove of acceptance. I started to see where some of the worst traits of his personality came from and hoped I never had an opportunity to meet his father. If Jay and I were so often at ends, his father and I would probably kill each other.

 

Jay continued to be just as hit-or-miss to deal with when all our friends got together, but I began to see the points Brand had tried to point out that first time. It seemed Jay was just never quite comfortable when dealing with more than one person and taking it out on others was his most familiar way to cope. Days when the three of us were home together could be trying on occasion because he would often either withdraw entirely or pick one of us to be the butt of all of his jokes. Despite those negative moments, Dana, Jay, and I seemed to settle well into each others space.

 

***

[MisakiSakuraYFG]

The part when Jay gives him an impatient look when Raven said they wanted just one burger SOOOOO reminded me of my dad! When I'm really hungry but say I only want one, he gives me the look till I say two! Hilarious!! thank you so much for the good job on this part! I am starting to like Jay a little better now! He reminds me a lot of someone else I know who has a hard time dealing with multiple people.... And those abs of his sound REAL nice, if you know what I mean! ^_^ Please keep up the good work! Can't wait for the next part!!!

[ravenwyck]

Connections

 

A month and a half passed quickly, and though I continued to save money for my own place, I was almost sad to think of living life completely on my own. I should have known that it couldn't last.

 

***

 

Jay and I sat in chairs in the living room while Dana stretched out behind us on the couch. We were enjoying a zombie movie marathon and when the one we were watching was over Dana stood and stretched.

 

"I have to get up early in the morning. Are you coming to bed?" Her hand rested on my shoulder as she asked but there was no expectation in her voice. I rarely went to bed at the same time as her anymore. Our differing work schedules often had me going to sleep as she was getting up and I found myself planning things that way even when it wasnt necessary. If she had noticed, she made no comments and didn't seem to mind.

 

"Naw, I didn't get up til late today and so I'm going to stay up a while longer. I should be in there in a bit." I smiled honestly at her, meaning what I said, despite our new norm.

 

"Okay," she nodded, looking amiable but unconvinced. "If its not too late then, wake me up when you come in. Night Jay."

 

Jay and I nodded to her as she made her way down the hallway to the other side of the house.

 

"You wanna watch another? It's my turn to pick." He asked once she was gone.

 

I nodded and settled back into my chair as the original "Night of the Living Dead" went into the DVD player. Jay had seemed a little grumpy all day but I had suggested the zombie marathon with that in mind and his mood had seemed to improve over the last few hours. It sometimes worked for me and I was glad to see it helping him as well.

 

A few minutes into the movie, he turned to me. "So, I've been hoarding a bottle of decent tequila and I feel like drinking tonight but its a pain drinking alone, how about it?"

 

"You know I never turn down tequila," I grinned. Tequila really was my poison of choice. I had only once seen him drink anything but a few beers and even then it was only one shot. I was curious about the mood that made him want to do so now, but I didn't ask. I did want to see what he was like actually drunk and wondered if I would get the opportunity tonight. He walked down the hall to his room as I went to the kitchen. I returned with two shot glasses just as he came back with a bottle of Don Julio, showing me the label.

 

"Don Julio is a good man," I laughed, as I placed the two shot glasses on the small table. "I didn't grab anything to chase it with if you need something you have to go get it yourself, cause, as you know, chasers are for pussies and I wont be party to that."

 

We poured our first shots and toasted to that sentiment before deciding that it would be brilliant if we had a shot every time someone in the movie screamed. We talked the whole time about our favorite scenes, what we would do to survive the zombie apocalypse, and how the zombie genre had evolved over time. By the time the movie was over I was feeling warm and happy and we decided to follow up with the remake.

 

"So, really I want to know, why did you pick the nickname Raven? You act like you're embarassed about how you got it, but you keep using the name. So tell me. I promise I wont laugh even if its totally emo." He asked after another shot while we watched the title screen roll.

 

I was slouched sideways in the large chair, my legs hanging over one side while my arm dangled over the other to reach the table. I knew I was well on my way to drunk when I spoke up without hesitation, "If you laugh, I'll punch you. It's stupid. But I'll still kick your ass."

 

He crossed his heart with his fingers but there was already a grin on his face. I sighed before answering, "When I was in high school, my girlfriend used to love to play with my hair and she was always saying that I had 'hair like a raven's feathers' and eventually everyone just started calling me Raven." I was careful not to hesitate on the word "girl"friend. it was only a small lie.

 

Jay burst into laughter, "really?" He panted between laughs. "Raven feathers?"

 

A shot glass nailed him in the chest, but the laughter didn't entirely stop. I was lifting his own glass to throw as well when he put up his hands.

 

"Okay! Okay!" He panted, as the laughter subsided. "It's really not that bad. It's just, 'Raven' makes you sound so like you should be wearing girl pants and slitting your wrists and crying about how no one understands you, so I always wondered, cause your a pretty decent guy, you know, for a midget." He muttered the last part quietly with a wide grin and the second shot glass bounced off his shoulder. At 6'2 himself, he often liked to mock my own 5'4 height. In my family my height was pretty average, but around giants like Jay that didn't really make me feel any better.

 

I was looking for something else to throw when he spoke up again. "Fairs fair, so I'll give you a freebee. But if you tell anyone, seriously, I'll make you wish I had never shared." He gave me a quick glare to show he meant it before proceeding with the story. "When I was maybe five, I got my hands on a bunch of those tubes of liquid candy crap, do you remember those?"

 

I nodded and he continued, "Anyway, a few hours later Mom found me covered head to toe in red candy goo. It was in my hair. It covered my face and all over my hands and arms all the way up to my elbows. Mom says she never could get it all out of my clothes. She was pissed, but after she beat me and washed me, she got to laughing about it and started calling me her sweet little "Candy Andy" and the name stuck for years. She still calls me that on occasion to annoy me. I mean, hey, at least you like your nickname even if the reason for it is some of the pansiest shit I have ever heard."

 

Jay's middle name was Anderson and I giggled as I imagined the scene of him as a little kid. I repeated "Candy Andy" a few times with a laugh until, with another glare, he again swore me to secrecy. We retrieved the glasses and toasted to nicknames then settled into chatting casually again while the movie rolled on. At some point, Jay asked me about how things were going in the medieval group. It wasn't really his thing, he had explained before, but he didn't mind coming to the events to party.

 

"I'll admit the partying is what brought me to the group. Once I saw the fighting though, that was what really did it for me. I never had a chance to do martial arts or any organized combat sports like that as a kid, but I've been getting into scraps since before I could remember. I cant explain why I love it, really. I know I'm screwed up, but fighting with someone is like communicating with a deeper part of yourself than just words could manage. It's more primal and honest than we ever allow ourselves to be in 'civilized' times. When I'm fighting, and I'm full of adrenaline and excitement, its like the world has never been more sharp or more clear and when I look across that battlefield and see the same look in my opponents eyes, its like a connection. We're strangers, but in the moments of that fight, its like we are the only two people in the world and when the blows land, whether swords or fists, for me its more pure and real than anything else. Even the aches and bruises afterward are a reminder of that moment when I connected with that other person and, if only so briefly, and I knew in my soul that I was alive and I knew someone else was too." I wrapped up my rambling speech with a shot Jay had poured while I was talking. I suddenly felt uncomfortable at revealing so much.

 

"Shit, I'm drunk." I grumbled, when I realized I was blushing, I turned my head to hide it and rose from the chair, wavering a bit as I rose to my feet. It wasn't like me to share so much and I was sensitive about how I felt about fighting and embarrassed that I had blurted it all to a person who made a regular habit of mocking me. "I need some air," I announced striding towards the door with steps that were more balanced and sure than I felt.

 

I stood in the doorway taking in the cool breeze for a moment before walking down the long porch to the corner near the kitchen. I let my head fall back, eyes closed as I took in the night air, wondering why I even cared what he thought. I jumped when Jay spoke from directly behind me and turned to see him standing with two full shot glasses in his hand.

 

"You missed a scream," he murmured.

 

"Cant have that, now can we?" I said with a weak grin as I accepted the shot glass and we downed yet another shot.

 

Maybe I was just feeling bothered about over sharing, but Jay was too close. I needed space and some time to get my head straight. My happy drunk had turned somber somewhere in the midst of realizing I had betrayed my feelings about something I actually cared about by telling someone who thought the fighting in my medieval group was the stupidest thing he had ever seen.

 

"That's it for me for a while or you can be the one to clean up my puke," I muttered to him as I handed back the shot glass, turning to go back inside. "I have to piss, then we can finish the movie."

 

I didn't hear him putting down the shot glasses. I never noticed him move behind me. I noticed the way my head rattled slightly as my body slammed suddenly into wall, though. I could feel the heat of Jay's hard body against my back, his sharp elbow digging at my shoulder while his arm pressed into the side of my neck holding my cheek to the white siding of the house. I glared over my shoulder while I analyzed the situation.

 

"What the F**K are you doing?" I spat.

 

The light of the porch made his eyes seem to glow and there was an arrogant grin on his lips, I smelled tequila and felt the warmth of his breath against my skin as he bent close to my ear and whispered, "Connecting with you...on a 'primal' and 'honest' level. Isn't this how you said it was done?" My own words were coming back to haunt me already.

 

For an instant, rage, embarrassment, and something I refused to acknowledge as arousal all warred for the right to take precedence. I let rage win and judging our positions, rammed an elbow into his ribs. I spun a backhanded fist towards his face as I rounded to face him, barely connecting with his chin as he backed up, slightly bent holding his gut. I dodged a punch by ducking low and rammed into him at the hip with my shoulders, carrying us both off the porch. He grunted as his back hit the ground a few feet below. I wasted no time, landing on top of him, but he recovered too quickly for me to connect with more than one solid punch. Using more strength than I realized he had, he rolled me beneath him. I was used to being smaller than all my opponents and had learned to compensate early on, but with his large body and longer limbs, he had me immobilized more quickly than I had ever experienced before. With a bruising grip, he managed to trap both my wrists in just one of his larger hands, his other arm digging into my throat once again, pinning me hard to the ground as he held himself above me. I panted for what air I could manage around the crushing weight, staring daggers at him as I struggled to get free.

 

"Calm. The. Hell. Down. Now. Or I'll stop playing nice." The words were ground out through his gritted teeth as I continued to work to kick him, but that arrogant smile never quite left his face. He wedged his leg between my own, shoving his knee hard against my crotch as if to punctuate his threat. By the light of the moon, I could see the moment of shock in his eyes as he registered my bodies reaction. My face flushed crimson in the darkness.

 

"Connected enough for you?" I seethed, surprised by my own words. His knee jerked back quickly from the erection he been firmly grinding into.

 

"F**k." He grunted, releasing me and shoving himself back as if I were something poisonous, he jumped swiftly to his feet and stalked to the house without looking back.

 

"My sentiments exactly," I muttered to the empty darkness. I unconsciously scrubbed my hand across my shaved hair as I sat in the yard taking stock of the situation. There was a small gash near my elbow where I had hit a rock after the tumble off the porch and a few bruises that were of no consequence. My heart beat too fast and my mind refused to worked. After a few minutes, I rose. Not knowing what else to do, I turned toward the house..

 

I didn't know what I would face when I got back inside. But I knew it would probably be bad. There was nothing for it but to find out. I wasn't a coward and I couldn't stay out there all night. Even my car keys were back inside. With a shrug and a final sigh, I headed back to the house.

 

Back inside, Jay was no where to be seen. His bedroom door was closed when I reached the hall. I glanced at it warily, but didn't knock. I went to the bathroom to take care of my elbow and some of the dirt. Even with the shame and anger and fear burning inside me, I was still hard. I hated myself a little for it, but I let myself remember Jay's body against mine, his hot breath, and rough hands as I took care of that too.

 

After a time, I made my way back to the living room and found the mostly empty bottle of Don Julio we had been sharing. I turned off the movie and finished the bottle in silence. Chasing my thoughts with liquor or chasing liquor with my thoughts. I panicked, calmed, raged and calmed again. It was too much to take and too much to make sense of. I could almost understand what had happened, though it had never happened in that kind of situation before. What I couldn't begin to understand was why it had happened with Jay of all people. All I knew was that everything was over now. Dana might say she didn't care, but it would make a difference to everyone else. It wouldn't be the first time I had lost friends because they had found out about I was bisexual.

 

Grabbing a blanket, I laid down on the couch I had never actually slept on before. I was miserable and overwhelmed and too drained to worry about it anymore. Tomorrow would come tomorrow. I would deal with the consequences then. And if Jay came back out of his room and beat me to death in my sleep, well, maybe it would be easier that way, I thought as I tumbled into drunken sleep.

 

***

[MisakiSakuraYFG]

Wow, this might be the best part yet! I especially love the description you did of Raven's feelings when he goes into a fight. I've never thought of a fight quite like that before. You gave me a new perspective. I also LOVE how you incorporate humor into your stories! It doesn't feel forced like other writers I have know. It comes easily and it flows naturally! And I'll admit, the position you had Raven in when Jay pinned him down, ONE OF MY FAVORITES! I can't wait to see what Jay's reaction will be knowing now that Raven is bisexual, and also Dana's reaction... Please keep up the good work!!!!

[ravenwyck]

My Internet connection is temporarily disrupted. Please bear with me. I should have an update on Tuesday after a tech comes out and fixes this nonsense.

[MisakiSakuraYFG]

That's fine take your time! Plus, I'll have the computer all to myself on Tuesday!

[ravenwyck]

Old Fears

 

I woke sometime the next afternoon groggy and disoriented, wondering if I had been hit by train. My stomach rolled and my head was killing me. As I struggled to crack open my eyes, I seemed to recall crying at some point. On that thought, the events of the night before came flooding back. I struggled to a sitting position and noticed a bottle of water and two aspirin on the living room table. Dana must have left them for me when she saw the empty tequila bottle, I thought. She really was a goddess sometimes.

 

I stook the aspirin and finished the water while smoking a cigarette. I was halfway through a second cigarette when I realized I was procastinating, as if I could avoid the consequences of last night if I just refused to get up. Unfortunately my body refused to cooperate with this plan, and snubbing my smoke violently, I stalked off toward the bathroom. I looked out the front window on the way and noted with relief, that for now at least, I was home alone.

 

After what seemed like three hours worth of peeing, I thoroughly brushed the horrible taste out of my mouth. It wasn't enough. I still felt full of aches and covered in grime, so I climbed in the shower and let the delicious feeling spray of water wash over me until it ran cold. The unplanned shower left me padding to Dana's room in just a towel to find something to wear. I aimed for the one drawer that held some of my stuff, making it only as far as the bed before collapsing down with my head in my hands.

 

My mind raced faster than I could form the thoughts. I couldn't stay here. Now that the truth was out, it would be just like before. People I had thought liked me would suddenly turn on me. It wouldn't be safe. I had to leave before Jay got back. He was probably out gathering up his redneck buddies as I sat here trapped in my own weak thoughts. But, I was tired of running away. I had been afraid for too long now. I was tired of being afraid. I was tired of hiding who I was. I just wanted....to be accepted...to know that whoever I was that would be okay to the people around me. Not for the first time, I wished I wasn't bisexual. How much differently would my life have gone, if not for that? I wished I could undo last night, restart before then and never let it happen. Mostly, I wished that somehow I could stay. Stay here. Stay friends with everyone.

 

I was still there, curled in a ball, mind numb, when Dana found me sometime later. Taking one look at me, she climbed onto the bed and wrapped me in a hug. Her arms were gentle around me but I could feel the rigidness in her body as her fingers stroked over the bruises she could see on my mostly naked body. I could see in her eyes that her brain was already trying to work at its own conclusions as to my state and the reasons for it and she didn't like any of them.

 

"You want to tell me about it?" She murmured.

 

"Not really." I replied, sullenly, angered by what sounded like pity in her voice. I sighed and let go of my petulant feelings. It wasn't her fault, after all. "But, I guess I really need to." I added when I was more under control. "Jay knows I like guys." I blurted in despair. Maybe I wasn't as under control as I thought.

 

Rage flashed in her eyes. The reason for my bruises became crystal clear in her mind and she stood from the bed so swiftly I almost fell to the floor. "I'll F**KING kill him!"

 

"Wait! No, it wasn't like that! Let me explain," I exclaimed as I tugged her back to the bed. I was really making a mess of everything lately. Taking a deep breath I went on. "The bruises...we were just rough housing, it was no big deal. We were drinking and letting off some steam. The other part was after that. He didn't hit me or say anything bad to me or well...anything when he found out. He just walked away. I swear it. I haven't seen him since."

 

I rubbed my fingers along the fuzz of my head, sighing deeply. I didn't want to think about all the details I wasn't telling her. I didn't want to analyze why I didn't want to give her details. It wasn't just that I was embarassed. Jay was probably off right now telling everyone exactly what happened, about the 'homo' who got hard on him. Me, I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it with the only person who wouldn't hate me for it.

 

"I messed everything up. I didn't mean for him to find out. It just happened. Once I get dressed I'll start packing my shit into the car. I would have been gone already, I'm just out of it today, I can't think and I wanted to talk to you. Anyway, I'll go back to moms for now. It wont be too bad, I wont have to stay long. I almost have enough saved for my own place now. Its just, I'm going to miss everyone. You guys are the first group of friends I've had in a long time. Even the medieval group...." I trailed off as I looked up at Dana.

 

I felt betrayed as I realized there was mirth in her eyes. She held her hands up in a consolitory gesture as she spoke. "Slow down, I know its not funny. Really. It's just that you sound so fatalistic when your upset." I glared at her, but she went on as if she didn't even notice. "First off, I forbid you from running away. Jay is dick that's true and he really might tell everyone. but I'm not letting some closed-minded jerk-off chase anyone, especially not you, out of MY house." I opened my mouth to speak but she kept right on going. "And second, so what if everyone finds out? Its not really a big deal. They like you and nothing has changed. You are still the person they have always liked. I'm sure everyone will see it that way. Anyone who feels different knows where the door is. NO, don't argue about this, even if you do run away those people will still not be welcome so you might as well..."

 

"That's all easy for you to say! You don't what its like!" I burst out finally interrupting her calm reasoning. Anger and shame burned in me at remembered pain. "You never had to face the looks of disgust and betrayal. The shitty comments. You've never been hospitalized because a bunch of people you thought were your friends beat the crap out of you for something you had no control over..." My voice trailed off in a whisper, the anger burned away. Feeling drained and slightly dazed, I stared at my hands.

 

"Oh...sweetheart, I'm so sorry." Her soft exclamation tore at my heart and my nerves and I could hear her choking back tears of her own as she hugged me. "I didn't know."

 

"Of course you didn't." I felt awkward and slightly raw. It wasn't fair to take it out on her but I couldn't stop myself. "It's not like I just run around announcing it to everyone. 'Btw, I was once nearly beaten to death when my boyfriend outted me to our friends and his family after leaving me for some bitch he met in college.' I mean who wouldn't tell EVERYONE that." My voice dripped with sarcasm and I hated myself for taking my frustration and helplessness out on the woman who might be my only real friend.

 

As always, she was more understanding than I deserved. "One day I would like it if you trusted me enough to tell me the whole story, but I wont push for it. For now, I want you to trust me enough to listen to me and think seriously about what I have to say before responding or trying to interrupt. Okay?"

 

"Okay, I'll listen." I practiced staring at my hands some more as I waited for her to speak.

 

She nodded before starting, "I want you to stay here. Jay is moving out. He'll be gone by the end of the week." I opened my mouth to argue but she raised a warning eyebrow and I closed it again as she continued. "It has nothing to do with you directly. It was already decided before last night. That is why he has been in such a foul mood. You know how long he has been without a job. The truth is, he hasn't been paying his rent for a while now. He and I discussed it and he is moving back to his parents house until he gets back on his feet. He's my buddy and I want to help him out, but it feels like he is making NO effort and I just cant deal with that. I've given him more than enough time and I just cant let him freeload here any longer. I was going to talk to you about it today. I want to offer you his room. If your still looking to get your own place, I understand, but you can stay here in the meantime. You know the rent is more than reasonable. You'll have your own room, your own space....your own bed." Her voice was soft at the end and my head shot up. I was busted and I knew it. I hadn't thought the day could get any worse.

 

"I'm such an ass. I...I'm sorry...I didn't..." I ended with a grunt as she jabbed me in the ribs with her finger just hard enough to shut me up.

 

"There isnt anything to be sorry for. We both understood we were just having some fun. This was never some grand romance and I had no delusions. It's not like I'm upset and I wont be, unless, you dont stop apologizing. You're still my friend and I still want you here. Nothing changes that."

 

I considered her words and nodded, "I do want to stay, but everyone..." She jabbed me in the ribs again before I could finish.

 

"It wont be like you think. I can almost promise both Brand and Owen wont think twice about it. Max might give you a bit of a hard time, but really no worse than you are already used too. Anyone who feels the need to be any worse than that, isn't welcome in my house. That has always been true. And will continue to be true even if you leave. I know you are 'worried'" she looked like she wanted to use a stronger word, but I appreciated her sparing my feelings, "but I really hope you will give us a chance to prove ourselves to you as friends. You can still leave later, at any point, if you feel like it isn't working out. Just give us a chance first, please? I know you were hurt before, but we're better people than those assholes. Gives us a chance to prove we really are your friends before you give up on us."

 

I thought about it in silence for a long time. I was scared. But, I was tired of being scared all the time. Tired of worrying what people would think, what they would do. I was tired of running away from people because I was too afraid to let them get close. I had to stop running sometime.

 

I wasn't as sure as Dana that it would all just work out, but finally I nodded. Maybe it would be like she said or maybe it would break me once again, but I really did want to try.

 

***

[MisakiSakuraYFG]

hmm so Jay was already gonna move.... New develpoments arise! As always, you give me something new to anticipate with every post and thank you for that. And are you eventually going to provide more info on Raven being beaten up after his boyfriend dumped him for a girl and told his friends? I don't mean right away, but slowly reveal the story little by little, that way I can get super excited when more is revealed! Thank you very much and keep up the good work!

[ravenwyck]

Want You

 

Later that evening, I was sitting in the chair tapping away at my laptop when I heard Jay pull up. I had decided I wasn't going to hide from him, but I closed the laptop and placed it safely out of the way just in case it came to a confrontation. Dana gave me a concerned look, but I motioned that I was okay and she settled into her own chair as Jay walked in.

 

Jay looked in the living room but said nothing before turning to his own bedroom. Dana and I pretended to watch TV as we listened to him moving stuff from his bedroom to his truck. After what seemed like forever, he reappeared in the living room. His eyes bored through me, his voice was full of some emotion I couldn't quite identify, except that it didn't sound like disgust or hate. "I want to talk to you. Alone." He glared at Dana to punctuate the 'alone' part and she opened her mouth to argue.

 

"No, its alright." I said to Dana as I rose from the chair. I was nervous, but I refused to be afraid. She gave me another concerned look but nodded as I walked across the room. "Let's get this over with." I muttered to Jay as I followed him down the hall. The door was open and he motioned me in.

 

Inside, it was cleaner than I had ever seen it. All the clothes that had littered the floor were gone as well as the bits of stuff that passed for decoration. The furniture was still mostly in place, however. The only furniture missing was the one chair he had. I leaned against a wall to avoid sitting on Jay's bed. I waited warily for his next move, mind ready for an argument, body ready for a fight.

 

Jay sighed as he closed the door, "So, you must have heard I was moving out."

 

"She told me this afternoon. She offered me your room," I added the last bit cheerfully. Maybe, it was a little rude but I couldn't make myself feel bad.

 

He seemed awkward and restless. He sat on the bed before deciding to get up again. He looked on the edge of speaking as he moved idly about the room, checking for last minute items. I lit up a smoke and waited him out.

 

"I spent the morning filling out job applications. Then I spent the day at a friends house. He said I could stay with him for a couple of weeks. Dana said I could stay til the end of the week, but I know she is already tired of me being here. No reason to stay now that I have somewhere to go that isn't my parents house." It almost could have been a normal conversation, if not for a slightly off tone to his voice as he went on to explain where he had applied and the conditions of his new living arrangement. For my part, I replied cordially where appropriate but I was tense and unable to hide it. This wasn't exactly what I had expected and my Akbar-sense was convinced it was a trap.

 

It seemed as if he was just going to pretend last night never happened. It wasn't enough, though, to close the issue. I needed to know clearly where we stood. "If you want to pretend it didn't happen then fine, but you're going to have to try pretending a little less 'intensely,' cause so far you are a shitty actor. If you cant stand hanging with me anymore just say so. I'm a big boy, I can take it."

 

Jay, crossing the room, paused no more than a foot away. There was an arrogant grin on his face and a boyish tilt to his head as he looked me in the eyes for the first time since entering his room. He closed the distance between us in a single step and hovering over me, whispering in a sarcastic and almost malicious tone, "Can you? Can you take it?"

 

I could smell alcohol on his breath and wondered how long he had been drinking. Yes, brilliant provoke the large drunk possible homophobe, I thought sarcastically to myself. Even thinking that, it was too late and I had been too wound up for too long to be able to stop, "Why? You looking to find out?" My tone was flirtatious but my hands tightened to fists.

 

Rough hands suddenly pinned my arms to the wall just above he elbow. I always forgot how fast he was. His cheek brushed mine as he moved back to look in my eyes after whispering into my ear, "And if I was?"

 

I couldn't decide if he was mocking me. He was capable of it. Regardless, I was tired of being messed with. I maneuvered my leg between his. It was the cruelest thing to do but usually the easiest way to convince someone to leave you alone. "Your not my type," My voice was soft and serious.

 

"We both know that's a lie." He replied, mouth inches from my own lips. Jay's body pushed me into the wall, trapping the knee I was going to kick him with, before tilting those last few centimeters to graze his soft lips with the lightest touch against my own. I gasped slightly at the shock of contact. Seizing the opportunity, pressed me into a deeper kiss. His hands tightened on my arms as I gave in and tilted my head for better access. His kisses were hungry and demanding. My mind was clouded by the heat of his body against mine and the intoxicating movements of his tongue in my mouth.

 

When he finally pulled back it was me, with eyes too glazed with pleasure to register shock, who noticed the hardness against my knee and muttered softly, "f**k."

 

He didn't pull away this time. We stood there, staring, softly panting for breath. A knock at the door startled us both and we jumped away from each other. I rubbed at my arms where he had been pinning me. Dana's voice came from the other side of the door. "Raven?"

 

"Don't worry, we're not quite killing each other yet." I replied, trying for a light tone.

 

"Work called. They asked me to come in tonight. I told them I'd have to call them back." There weren't exactly any questions in her statement but I knew what she was asking.

 

"Don't worry. You can go to work with a clean conscience. I don't plan on killing your 'boy toy.' Jay piped in with a laugh before I could respond. In the privacy of the room his eyes burned as they held mine captive.

 

I broke the eye contact with a sigh and tried to get myself in order before opening the door. She wouldn't believe I was okay unless she saw me. "Yes, for the record, he is a dick. But really, I'm okay. Off to work with you. I appreciate everything. You've been really awesome today. Thank you." I stepped out of the room and gave her a quick hug, lifting her slightly before placing her back on her feet.

 

She grinned at the hug before her expression softened, "you sure?"

 

"Shoo Mother Hen. Call them before you leave. We both know you cant talk and drive." I chided.

 

"Can so," she retorted childishly.

 

"Not well," My tone was serious but there was a grin on my face to soften the blow.

 

She poked her tongue out at me as a closing argument before pressing a kiss to my cheek. "Call me if you need anything." She pressed something into my left hand, facing away from the bedroom, and as my fingers wrapped around it, I recognized the shape of a folding knife. "Just in case," she whispered. I frowned as I pushed it into my pocket and she beamed at me cheerfully before pulling away to gather her stuff for work.

 

Butterflies danced in my stomach as I returned from walking Dana out. Now that the heat of the moment had cooled, my mind was racing with all the reasons why Jay was a bad idea. He was rude. He was hateful about anything he didn't like. He wouldn't keep a job. He often freeloaded off his friends. I was pretty sure he wasn't even remotely gay. I couldn't make sense of what was happening tonight and it left me feeling off balance.

 

"I was thinking I might stay tonight and finish moving in the morning. Dana wont be back til almost daylight if she is just leaving now." Jay spoke with an unusually shy tone when I re-entered the house.

 

"It wont kill me to spend one more night on the couch," I responded as if I hadn't heard the suggestion in his statement, the words 'bad idea' repeating softly in my head.

 

His hands and mouth clenched in frustration. "So a few whispered words and a kiss on the cheek are enough to get you back to kissing your girlfriends ass? You really are a pussy whipped little boy toy aren't you?" He spat through through gritted teeth.

 

The punch to his gut caught him off guard enough to send him sliding into a sitting position when he hit the wall. I towered over him for once. "Asshole! I'm not even with Dana. If I was 'that' wouldn't have happened," I gestured in the direction of the bedroom to point out what I meant. His eyes lit up for a moment before giving way to confusion. "I just keep being reminded of how much I dislike you!" I sneered in explanation.

 

Reaching up, Jay grabbed the front of my shirt and with a hard yank pulled me off balance and tumbled me into his lap. "That's odd. Cause, it seems I like you well enough." His voice was a husky whisper and I could feel him growing hard beneath as he adjusted me on his lap. His lips locked on mine once again and the sensations raced through my body until I realized I had started grinding against him.

 

"F**k you," I finally replied weakly as I pulled away, trying to regain some semblance of control and normalcy.

 

"No, the idea here was that I want to f**k you." His callused hands traced their way across bare skin as he found his way under my shirt. His fingers danced a trail up my ribs, pulling the shirt along in their upward quest. Lifting me to a better position with ease his mouth closed around one revealed nipple, lapping at it with his tongue before letting his teeth graze it lightly as he released it. He repeated with the other nipple before peeling my shirt off entirely, tossing it aside.

 

I was having trouble recalling any of the reasons why this was a bad idea. My mind was full of his mouth and his hands and the feel of him grinding into me. It was my mouth that crashed into his this time as my fingers tugged with annoyance at his tucked in shirt.

 

"Want you," He mumbled almost soundlessly before wrapping one arm tightly around my waist and lifting us both from the floor as he stood. "Think...always wanted you." His tongue made a scorching trail across my jaw and down my throat as he turned us to press my back to the wall. His lips were feverish against me as he continued to pant out his desires in increasingly incoherent bursts. Using the wall for leverage he lifted me off my feet, never pausing his onslaught of sometimes sweet, sometimes rough kisses that now moved across my bare shoulders and down my chest. I wrapped my legs around him at his urging. Our bodies shivered as the movement brought our hard lengths together. "Please," his tone was a soft pleading whisper filled with longing.

 

I thought of a hundred logical arguments and smart-ass retorts, but when I opened my mouth the part of me that still struggled to consider the consequences was ruthlessly crushed by the part of me that was drowning in exquisite pleasure. "Okay," I conceded breathlessly against his neck as I finally managed to un-tuck his stubborn shirt, slipping my hands underneath to run my fingers across the firm muscles of his back. I had just enough time to cling tightly as he spun from the wall. Feeling weightless and giddy, I nibbled at his ear as he effortlessly carried me to his room.

 

***

[MisakiSakuraYFG]

You had to stop it right at the crucial moment didn't you? Oh this is so torturous! More, more I want more! Oh cliffhangers are amazing, and you have done a good job with them! Please update quickly! I laughed at the part when Dana handed Raven the pocket knife! And my favorite part was for sure was when Jay AGAIN pinned Raven! Except it was against the wall which was even better!

[ravenwyck]

Do Me

 

My back hit the door with a thud as Jay struggled to turn the knob. I barely managed to fumble open his jeans before we were moving once again into the bedroom. Standing over the bed he peeled me away from his body and dropped me on the bed. It was ridiculous but I pouted up at him at the loss of contact until I noticed the nervous look on his face. I wondered if he was having second thoughts.

 

Ignoring the need aching to be free of my pants, I tried cut him some slack. "We don't...I mean-"

 

"Shut up." His harsh voice sliced through my words like a knife but he made no other moves. He stood at the edge of the bed staring at me as if I was something foreign. There was still heat in his eyes, but it was overwhelmed by a look of thoughtfulness and maybe a little confusion.

 

"Do you even know what to do?" I snapped, already at my limit. His sudden aloofness made my hackles rise and the words were out before I could stop them. Just a little push, I thought, as I lounged back on the bed with a mischevious grin, my shoulders against the wall, one hand sliding along my ribs before stopping to play with my nipples as the other slid under the waist of my pants to stroke my aching erection. "Poor little Jay doesn't know what to do now that he actually got this far, hmmm?." I arched my back in reaction to my own touch, watching him.

 

He was on the bed, straddling my legs, in an instant. His fingers squeezed my own hard through my pants and I winced at the almost painful sensation but I lifted my hips into his touch anyway. "I dont want to hurt you," He mumbled in poor explanation of his attitude. His soft words were a sharp contrast to his rough grip.

 

"Yes you do." I whispered with a blush. I stared at the corner of the bed unable to meet his eyes but the words came out anyway. "It's okay, I can take it." My blush deepened and I shifted a little, uncomfortably.

His free hand gripped my chin tightly forcing me to face him. He searched my eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I wasn't sure what he was looking for but that thoughtful questioning look was back on his face and I hated him a bit for it. Neither my body nor my brain had the patience for such intimate stares, at the best of times. "Do me or let me up so I can go jerk off," I blurted when I couldn't stand it anymore.

 

"You're such a romantic," He retorted with a sarcastic grin, shifting back to his normal self, but the grip that shifted to my throat betrayed his annoyance as it tightened slightly. His eyes blazed like blue fire as my cock twitched in our hands at the slight pressure.

 

"Not romantic, just horny," Bluntness was comfortable ground for me even when it seemed brazen, and I shrugged nonchalantly. Finally the tension in his body broke and sliding his grip around behind my neck he yanked my mouth to his own. I melted under the fierce heat of his passion. I tried to yank my hand free of my own jeans but he held me tight, forcing a tormentingly slow stroke. My one free hand struggled with the shirt I had been trying to rid him of since the hallway.

 

Releasing me momentarily, He leaned back. Grabbing the hem of the much hated shirt, he grinned. "Is this what you wanted?" He cooed as he pulled the fabric up his long body and over his head. My eyes followed its progress from the center of his unbuttoned jeans up the creamy skin of his tight abs, past his lightly sculpted chest to the broad expanse of his muscular shoulders.

 

As Jay tugged the shirt up and over his head, my own free hand tugged at first his zipper, then his boxers, finally spilling his long shaft heavily into my fingers. I blushed deeply and my breath caught in my throat. I was glad Jay's face was trapped beneath the folds of fabric. His arrogance would have been intolerable if he had seen my first reaction to his size. My hand caressed his velvety length in the same exquisitely slow rythmn he already had me stroking myself. I was rewarded, hearing his quiet groan as he finally pulled free of the shirt.

 

With the shirt tossed aside, his lips came down again on mine, almost bruising in their intensity. As I had done, one hand tugged at my zipper as the other wrapped around his own cock, my hand trapped once again in his firm grip. Using my hand, he stroked himself a few times before sliding my hand free and lifting it towards his mouth. He gave me a mischevious smirk as his tongue darted out, licking the fingers wet with his own precum. I never noticed him shift his weight off my body. I was completely distracted when his free hand grabbed the hem of my unzipped jeans. With one hard tug, Jay yanked my pants almost to my knees dragging the boxers down and me off the wall and flat on my back in the momentum.

 

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach and my pulse beat like a trapped animal. With his heavy weight and immense strength, I might as well be helpless. The thought was both terrifying and exciting. While I tried to decide which emotion would win, he leaned back towards the end of the bed. I couldn't see what he was doing but I saw his arm tug twice, then felt him tug at first one of my feet then the other. Holding up four white socks, he grinned at me triumphantly. "See? I remembered. no porn socks." He laughed as he tossed them aside. I recalled the random bit of conversation where I had brought up my weird quirk about hating the wearing of socks during sex. It was impossible to be terrified of Jay while he trying to make me comfortable by remembering such trivial and vaguely mentioned things. I tossed my arms around him and dragged his mouth back down to mine.

 

My hands slid along the ridges and hard planes of his body as his own caressed mine. My hips moved against him, rubbing our swollen shafts against one another, but the light friction wasn't enough. I wanted...needed more. One hand tangled in his hair, I tugged his head back as I nibbled my way from his mouth to his neck, lapping at him with my tongue and grazing the sensitive flesh with my teeth. His left hand found my nipple as the right wrapped both our members in its grip. With the sudden exquisite pressure, I gasped and my teeth sunk into his throat before I could control the response, his low groan made my heart stutter and his pace quickened. I was drowning in the pleasure and already my body tingled with oncoming orgasm.

 

"Uhn, stop...dont wanna come yet." I mumbled into his chest as I fumbled awkwardly to wrap my denim trapped legs around him. It was already too much, but it still wasn't enough. Wanted him inside, needed it. Releasing me reluctantly he sat up on the end of the bed, pulling my pants and boxers off the rest of the way. Wasting no time I scrabbled to reciprocate. He shifted position to aid my struggles until at last we were both naked.

 

Biting my lip, I fought a flitting wave of nervousness. "Um, lube?" I tried for casual but my voice cracked a little.

 

"Afraid I'll hurt you? Thought you could take it?" His words had the same biting tone I was used to but his eyes spoke of tenderness. "Now be a good boy and turn around," his tone was almost condenscending but I obliged anyway. He was pressed close to me from behind and I could feel his hard length rubbing insistently against my ass. He peppered my shoulder with kisses as he reached around to stroke me and tweak my nipples. "And if I didn't have any lube? If I took you now, just like this? You'd want it anyway, wouldn't you?" My hips bucked back against him and my cock twitched as he whispered the words. His hands stilled as he waited for my answer, I tried to move against him, but he held me immobilized.

 

I glared at him over my shoulder. "Yes." I hissed between clenched teeth after a few seconds. "Sadistic bastard," I grumbled as he nodded, looking satisfied with himself.

 

Without losing contact with my body he urged me to my hands and knees, His lips made a slow progression down my back to my butt, leaving a wet trail that raised goosebumps along the sensitive flesh. He nipped gently at my cheek before his tongue slid along my cleft. A wet fluttering sensation against my tight hole made me jerk and twist my head around. With a light kiss against my hip, Jay looked up at me. "We can still do it dry." He chuckled in response to the confused look on my face. He kept surprising me, but I wasn't going to say so, not right now. I moaned into the bed feeling lewd and hotter than I could ever remember as he continued lick.

 

"Please." I begged. I knew I would come just from his tongue alone if he kept up.

 

"Hmm?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

"More," I pleaded. "Inside. I want you inside." I panted in uneven breaths. My hips rose even higher, begging for what I wanted.

 

His finger slid along the wetness before pressing at my softened hole. I groaned, in ecstasy and frustration. "Like this?' He asked, with taunting laughter.

 

"F**K me! dammit!" I growled, surprising myself. I blushed so hotly I could feel my ears burning and buried my face in the mattress. Cruel, Sadistic, Evil Bastard. His finger disappeared, almost instantly replaced by his hard shaft, immediately pressing into me with a single slow thrust. I bit into my hand to keep from crying out as his thick length stretched me without mercy or pause. Gasping around clenched teeth, I tried to breath through the burning sensation that was pain, but also unbearable pleasure. After an impossibly long time, he rested flat against my ass. His own labored breathing was loud in my ears as he reached around to caress my cock. As I pressed into the sweet friction of his hand, the movement of my hips made him groan. Slowly his long length slide back, he hovered, barely inside me until I thought he was surely going to make me beg again. Instead I tightened myself against him, rocking my hips back, trying to push him further in. I felt his body tremble against me moments before he rammed back inside. I might have screamed if I had enough air. With hands on my hips he set a quick, punishing rhythm. My fingers wadded in the sheets as I struggled to keep my place on the bed through his heavy thrusts.

 

Reaching around the front of me, wrapping me in his arm, he pulled me back against his chest until I was sitting with my legs stretched to on each side of his knees. I cried out as the position forced him somehow even deeper inside. Holding me in his lap, his other hand stroked my desperately aching erection. He nibbled at my ear from behind. "Wont last." His words a silken caress against my ear. "Come for me." The last was somewhere between a desperate plead and a command. He held me tightly as I rocked my hips, pushing myself onto his cock and into his hand. I tasted blood as I bit my lip to suppress my moans. His fingers traced along my mouth moments later, nudging their way inside. I sucked at them eagerly as I continued to writhe in his arms. He cooed sweet soft encouragement as my body spiraled closer to the edge. He slammed his hips upwards into as I ground myself against his and I bit down on his fingers as the sensation became too much. His arms tightened around me and suddenly he was surging upwards inside of me with bruising force. His loud groan was almost lost to the blood pounding in my ears as I came feeling the hot rush of his own spasm deep inside of me.

 

He tucked me into the curve of his body when he finally lowered me back to the bed, wrapping me tight in his arms. I let myself be held as I worked my breathing back to normal. I'd push him away and get up in a minute I thought, as lay in the warmth of his arms feeling both exhausted and sated.

 

"Don't get too comfortable," I mumbled almost coherently. "Gonna go sleep on the couch."

 

"mhmm," he agreed. I could feel his smile on the side of my face as he tucked me closer to his body. After a time he kissed my temple and whispered softly, as if to himself. "You know, I think I might keep you."

 

I fell asleep before I could think of an appropriate response.

***