its hard to start over when the past still haunts you ((18+)) ~ Nyuchanxx and azuneko

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko just looked at Akise for a moment thinking "I honestly don't know, am I normally this bold with others?" He questioned more to himself than anything else. He shook his head "no sorry I Dont know I guess you'll just have to live with whatever messed up finish seems to go through my head." He smiled sadly. He hoped Akise would be able to deal with all his crap although he didnt know, he wasn't even sure he could deal with it, it hurt him deeply when he saw how baly he upset Akise and how worried he made the other with him words. He sighed "ok then, ho about we go watch a movie or..." He wondered of he should say it, deciding that he would he continued "or I could pose for you while you paint." He spoke quietly his head carefully down, his hair covering the slight blush that tinted his cheeks rose pink.

[azuneko]

Akise pets his head. "We are a couple. So we can figure it out together. Don't you worry one bit. I'm not going to let you go. After all we love each other." he says softly. Slowly standing up Akise was a bit surprised. "You want me to paint you!!!? I did those secretly. I didn't think you'd like them that much. Uh... I guess if you don't mind I can paint just two more." he says shyly.

[Nyuchanxx]

Roko laughed, "of course I like them they were incredible!"he stood taking hold of Akise's hand and encouraging the other to follow "it makes me very happy that you want to paint me in the first place." He thought painting really brought out a persons emotions, in that sense oit was exactly like what music did for him, paintings showed emotion and feelings in a way that few things can, a painting is a lasting resemblance of emotion, music was beautiful but its excistance fleeting. "we'll be fine." He said softly to himself smiling. Akise is right I love him and he loves me, what do we need to worry about?

[azuneko]

Akise follows Ryoko up to his private room. He unlocks the door and slowly enters. "Ryoko...?" he mumbles as he glanced over at the now dry paintings. Walking over to the blank canvas pipe, he pulls one out and looked at the other. "How do you want to pose? Hurry up since it's noon and I hate bad lighting to paint in." he said not reaching of the paints just yet. Akise's eyes were fixated on Ryoko and the pose he would do.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko followed the other onto the room. He thought for a moment when Akise asked him to pose, he hant thought that far when he had suggested the idea and he had never posed for a painting before so he didnt know what to do. He slowly removed hisbshirt so he was only wearing his jeans. He moved towards the window and leant against the fat fram of the window furthest from Akise. He leaned back against it bending his far leg slightly. And looked over at Akise "something like this ok?" He questioned "tell me if you want me to change to a different position, Ohh ...do you want my hair up?" He asked smiling.

[azuneko]

"You choose the pose and style of your hair. Once your comfortable let me know. Any pose you pick is fine with me." he says smiling. He could tell Ryoko was puting lots of thought into this. Akise just wonder if the other noticed anything about the other two paintings. For one that he hadn't needed Ryoko there to paint them. His eyes still fixated on his lover. Akise was happy about doing this painting. Even if it didn't show in his current expression.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko carefully pulledn back most of his hair so it wasn't in his face and pulled it across his opposing shoulder so only a thin bang remained tracing his face while the rest trailed down his chest over his shoulder. He quickly repositioned his body and looked back at Akise "this ok?" He asked, he looked deeply at z

Akise trying to work out the mans thoughts, his face seemed to be telling one thing while his eyes appeared to show what he truly felt. Ryoko smiled, glad he had chosen something good too do.

[azuneko]

Akise chuckled softly "if that's the pose you like then stay still for a moment. That means no talking." he said walking closer. He stares at every inch of his beloved. "Alright Ryoko. You can move now. I'll work on the painting in the mean time. I'll be busy so don't disturb me." Akise began properly setting the paints he'd be using. Once that was done he gets out a wooden box in which his paint brushes were in. With a soft sigh, Akise began painting. He really had a poker face at times. It seemed ever so dull as if he was completely unaffected by the events around him. Though that was far from it. His eyes, his gaze is what held his true emotions.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko opened his mouth to agree but sit out again realising Akise wouldn't want him to say a word. He blushed as his boyfriend inspected him, it was strange having someone looking at him so closely with no sexual intent, trying to calm his mind and think of other things he let his eyes wander the room. It didn't help a lot all he could think about was the man starting at him and he was finding it increasingly difficult not to get aroused.

 

He sighed when Akise walked away saying he could move again. He wondered of that menu he could move from where he stops or if the male was just allowing him to move a little. He looked at Akise and frowned when he saw that the make face didn't look happy. He inspected closely from where he stood. Akise didn't look up. Ryoko s smiled when he looked into the others eyes, they seemed content and happy. "Akise....would it bother you if I played the harp? Feel free to tell me no I was just...." He trailed off not sure if he should have asked but he wanted to play it, his finger-tips tingled wanting to feel the strings beneath them.

[azuneko]

Akise had begun painting. Though he stops to look at the other. "Go ahead if that's what you want to do. I told you its alright. I just don't want to play it." he said going back to painting. He was very focused on it more than anything else. His mind remembering every detail of his Ryoko was posed. It plays back in his mind like a movie. His eyes fixated on the canvas that he was applying the paint to.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko nodded not wanting to disterb the other more by talking, after all Akise appeared to be totally focused on his work. Ryoko walked over the the harp and sat on the floor beside it. He had never played a harp before but he had a very good ear for music and was quite good at composition. He lightly plucked a string getting a feel for the instrument. Slowly he plucked from one end to the other to familiarise himself with all the notes.

 

Finally he began to play, slowly he created a simple tune that sounded good, every so often he would replay pieces over to try and make them sound better or get the timings correct. A smile played over his face as he became absorbed in what he was doing, eventually allowing his fingers to do what they wanted and to just play the instrument. The tunes flowed with his mood and emotions playing music that directly reflected what he was thinking and how he felt.

[azuneko]

Akise continued painting silently. His gaze drifted over towards Ryoko as he noticed the other started plucking the strings. It was odd but it seemed the other was doing well. Ignoring the sound, he paints on. He didn't dislike music just the instruments they came from. He looked at the painting. It was just about finished. He begins to wonder if if maybe his should add the window in which he stood by. Akise tilts his head wondering.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko didn't even notice when Akise stopped painting too absorbed in the sound to notice the world around him. He plucked gently at the high strings of the instrument creating a faster softer tune as his mind returned to the first tie he had held an instrument. His mother had given him the violin for his birthday after he had expressed an interest in music upon hearing his mother play the piano at a wedding. He remembered her hands guiding him, showing him how to hold it and how to play the strings and how to care for it. He felt his mothers light fingers against his own as he played the harp....

 

The music got lower his fingers tentatively plucking at the bass notes as he remembered the phone call...he had only been 7 at the time. His finger pulled harshly at the highest note. He felt the string give, about to snap and instinctively let go of it. The sound reverberated about the room. A single clear note. Ryoko's eyes widened and he quickly came back to reality. Standing strait he walked out the room, his movements jerky as he did. He went into the bath room and turned the shower on, leaving it running cold he immediately stepped in still clothed and sat under the jets his knees brought up to his chest as he rocked slightly trying to forget.

[azuneko]

Akise began to paint the window but stopped noticing the way Ryoko began playing. His gaze narrows as he stares at the other. Upon his lover leaving the room, he gets up and follows after him. "Ryoko? Are you alright? What happened just now?" he asked kneeling beside the shower. He wanted to reach out and embrace him but he wasn't sure if Ryoko would want that. "Say something... your scaring me Ryoko."

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko pulled his head down covering it with his hands as images tormented his mind. His breathing was harsh and fast as he struggled to calm himself and regain control of his mind. He felt the freezing water run over his naked torso. It cooled his body helping him to calm down and forget. He didn't notice the man in front of him, his eyes were glazed over all he could see were the images of the things that had tormented him for so many years. He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again sharply. He saw Akise in front of him and quickly moved towards him wrapping his arms around the male tightly, breathing in his scent "Just a moment..." he said between gasps. The feel of the others body against him helped to slow his racing heart and his smell started to block out the painful memories, pushing them to the back of Ryoko's mind.

[azuneko]

Akise shivers as he was hugged by Ryoko. 'Cold water...' he thinks as it was odd. He could tell Ryoko was more freaked out than aroused. So the cold water threw his thinking off as he hadn't known what was wrong. "It's okay because in here for you." he says petting his head. Akise felt that was all he could do since he was confused. With a soft sigh he kisses Ryoko's wet cheek. "Have you calmed down? Would you like a towel? I'll prepare a special cheer up dinner for you."

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko breathing slowly calmed as he clutched Akise trying to gain some sort of comfort. Slowly he fully came to his senses and his heart returned to its normal pace. Reaching up he turned off the water but continued to hold Akise "sorry but could you just stay here for a moment." he asked knowing he was still a little unstable. He breathed in trying to bring himself into the present and forget those times. After a long while he released Akise and quietly said "sorry, i didn't mean to worry you..my thoughts got away from me..." he left it at that as he stood "I need some fresh clothes..I'll be downstairs in a moment" he said his voice in monotone as he walked away, he still wasn't quite right but he didn't want Akise to catch onto that and worry the male more so h just went to get changed.

[azuneko]

Akise sighs softly as Ryoko left the bathroom. He went down to the kitchen and began cooking up a meal for the two of them. As he cooked he began thinking some things. It was clear to him Ryoko still had a bit of trusting issues that probably came from past experiences. He wasn't one to pry but it did hurt that Ryoko couldn't be open with him. At the same time he knew he hadn't been very open with Ryoko. "I wonder how this relationship will continue to work... I am not confident enough to know what to do in times like these..." he mumbles to himself sitting down. He waits for Ryoko to come down and join him.

Supper:

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko dried himself off not bothering with his hair, he didnt have the will to deal with it at the moment. Pulling on some clothes he wandered downstairs the cold biting into him now, he shivered as he went and stood behind Akise, wrapping his arms around the others waist. He gently placed a kiss onto the mans neck "thank you for calming me down...i...i just remembered something i thought i had locked away long ago." He murmured as a way of explanation "sorry i probably distracted you didnt i?" He held the man's back flush to his chest, his mouth and nose against his skin breathing in the comforting scent.

[azuneko]

Akise blinks as he was suddenly embraced by Ryoko. He closed his eyes and sighs softly. "You'll catch a cold with your hair being all wet like that." he said opening his eyes glad it seemed his lover was returning to normal. "Its not good to bottle so much inside. Its better to talk about it and let it out. Otherwise you'll be more likely to have another moment like this. I don't know how to comfort someone so I worry when you get like that. I am not sure if I am doing something right or wrong. If you ever need to talk you have me. I am your boyfriend right?" he asked glancing back slightly.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko nodded but released Akise and sat down at the table where the food lay. Picking up his chop sticks he took a bite hardly tasting the food. He put the chop sticks down again, gently laying them by his plate. He sat and thought for a moment before he finally sighed running his hand through his damp hair "ok, I'll tell you but...you have to bear with me i have never talked to anyone about this before and i was intending to keep it that way for a long while yet." He paused and slowly inhaled trying to calm his nerves "but you are right, i need to talk about it...and i would rather talk to you than anyone else." He made a pathetic attempt to smile but it ended up more of a grimace, he just didn't feel like smiling at the moment. He wasn't happy and he didn't see the point in pretending otherwise.

[azuneko]

Akise looked at him. "You don't have to tell me now if its too much. I can wait but I don't want you holding it in forever. I will always be with you so you can tell me whenever you are ready. There is no rush sweetie." he said looking at him. He really wanted to know but it was best not to push the issue. Akise knew sometimes its better to wait and take time for certain things.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko looked up into Akise's eyes and slowly shook his head "n, i want to tell you and if i don't do it now i doubt i ever will." He put his hands in his lap twisting them restlessly worried about finally revealing his past to someone. He took a deep breath before starting his voice barely above a whisper as he recounted his past trying to stay detached from it so he wouldn't have to face the emotions "my parents always used to pamper me a lot...i wasn't spoilt but i couldn't really look after myself and i liked to have the attention." He paused to breath "My mother was very musical, she brought me my firs violin when i was six...that was what cause it...it..it was my fault." he breathed in deeply in an attempt to steady himself and to stop his breaths being so jerky "They were getting me a new violin after i got annoyed at them, they wanted me to forgive them." He laughed sadly "it wasnt even something important, i cant even remember why i was mad now, it was that pathetic. They were walking back to the car when it happened..a group of them..they attacked my parents and smashed up the instrument....They took mother's phone and..they called me...made me listen as they beat up my parents and then killed them." He shuddered, wrapping his arms around his body and letting his hair fall in front of his face as tears slowly started to trickle down his cheeks. He had thought he could do this, but maybe he had been wrong.

[azuneko]

Akise sat silently as he let Ryoko speak. He could tell how heavy the air had gotten and it made his skin crawl. Listening to the story he slowly got to his feet. He walked over to Ryoko and embraced the other. "Let it out sweetie. I am here for you so please don't fret. I can tell this weighed heavy on your heart for a long time. So just let it out" he said before growing silent. He was second guessing having Ryoko come with him tomorrow. It would be three whole days in his family's house and that might bring more pain to his beloved. It was the last thing he wanted to do at this point. In his mind he was going to leave tonight after Ryoko falls asleep. He would seriously hate himself if taking Ryoko there only cause him more pain. "Why don't you go lay in bed and I can feed you something. Name it and I will make it just for you. Then we can cuddle all night long." he said kissing the top of his head.

[Nyuchanxx]

Ryoko looked up at Akise and cautiously wrapped his arms around the man. He nodded and trying to ease the mood a little, wanting to forget again as soon as he could he chuckled "hmmm are you going to pamper me my darling lover?" he pulled Akise's head down so it was the same height as his own and pressed his lips to the others gaining peace in the soft touch. Drawing away he said "Dont leave me ok? dont go anywhere without telling me...please...trust in me ok?" he was worried although he didnt know what for, something just worried him in his heart and his lips moved as he spoke exactly what he felt.