I Don't Want to Say Goodbye (Private with FatPanda)

[FatPanda]

Zak was awoken by a nurse shaking his slack body. With a start, he rubbed his eyes. "Sorry, what was that?" He asked her to repeat but she was already walking away. With the vague remembrance that he was to follow her, he got up and staggered over. His foot had fallen half-asleep and made his walking crooked. Passing through the hallway, he noticed the nurse was making sure he was still there; it meant he'd thought right to follow. They walked up to a man in a long white coat, holding a file of some sort in his hand. Why did the nurse take him to a doctor?! His eyes widened and the haze from just waking up dissipated. He was about to protest and explain he wasn't here to be treated but rather only to accompany a friend, however the man spoke first.

 

"Hello there, I'm Dr. Hoffin. I presume you've come with Mr. Campbell, is that correct?" Zak nodded slowly, unsure of what the man wanted with him. The man pushed up his glasses and continued, "I would like to have a word with you and Mr. Campbell, please follow me." He turned briskly and walked a few doors down. Stepping inside a well lit room, Zak saw Nathan sitting alone. "Why don't you take a seat?" Dr. Hoffin motioned for him to sit next to his friend. Not taking his worried eyes off Nathan, he sat down in the cushioned chair. "Now, I know this is going to be difficult but I'd like for you to listen to everything I say as calmly as you possibly can." The doctor waited for Zak's confirmation. With a nod, he listened to the diagnosis.

 

"Mr. Campbell has developed non-small cell lung cancer, to be specific, we're almost positive it's Adenocarcinoma." Pointing at the X-ray he'd put up earlier, he explained, "This here is Mr. Campbell's tumour. It started in the bronchi to the first lobe of the right lung then spread to the bronchioles and now to the alveoli. Due to a late diagnosis, the tumour has grown and spread to the lining of cells around the lungs as well. If you had come in sooner, the chances it could be removed by surgery would've been greater. Now, we can only hope chemotherapy will prevent the spread to nearby tissues. If you don't have any other questions, I will refer you to the chemotherapeutic department of this hospital."

 

Zak's hand shot up to stop the man, "First, it seems you are blaming Nathan for his condition. It is in no way anyone's fault they are diagnosed with cancer, especially not a non-smoker with cancer. That is called victim blaming and not something a doctor should do." His eyes bore daggers into the doctor. "Secondly, it might be in his best interest to do chemotherapy but that, again, should not be your choice. As a doctor who practices ethically, you should be providing alternatives in the case that Nathan does not want to go through with chemotherapy. He should be offered surgery, radiation, and certain types of targeted therapy as well as presented with the pros and cons of all the above." The younger man knew some things about health; he was majoring in physiology. Ethics of health was not excluded from his education.

 

With a sigh, Dr. Hoffin took out a folder and added, "Yes, as he's said. Here is a list of pros and cons for all alternatives to chemotherapy, including what would happen were you to decline treatment of any kind. What would you like to do Mr. Campbell?" Zak looked to his friend, waiting for an answer as well.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan couldn't get himself to think straight. The word 'cancer' kept on repeating in his mind over and over again, never stopping. He'd inherited it?.. That wasn't really a lie. His mom suffered from it, but actually managed to stay alive. Would he be able to do the same or would it end up a bit worse?

 

The brunet lightly licked his dry lips as a shaky sigh left his mouth. What if he would die? How does it feel to die? Does it hurt or do you simply not feel anything? Nathan's breathing was a bit shaky as he closed his blue eyes, trying to think of all the possibilities. He couldn't bring himself to be optimistic... Not now, not when he just learned he had cancer. Nathan wasn't even sure if he could ever be optimistic about this. After all, so many people died from lung cancer...

 

When he saw Zak coming in, the brunet bit his lip and looked down at the ground. He'd rejected him today, too... And he was still nice enough to wait here... Maybe it was actually worth giving a shot? Being boyfriends with Zak... It seemed so weird... But not very disturbing or disgusting or anything of the kind. Just... Unusual.

 

With a small sigh, Nathan attempted to listen to what the doctor was talking about... And failed miserably. Adeno-what? The brunet just closed his eyes and let Zak handle this... It seemed like he knew what he was talking about, anyway. He blinked when the doctor started talking again and looked at the folder, then reached out and took it into his hands, his brain slowly working out the fact that he'd been asked a question.

 

"Uhm... Can I just read through this for now?..." He asked quietly as he gripped the folder with one hand. "I'm completely clueless here..." The brunet said a bit tiredly as he glanced at Zak and smiled weakly. "It seems like you know a lot more than I do... Can you..?"

[FatPanda]

Thump thump thump. Zak listened to his thumping heart, trying to calm himself. The pounding only increased with each breath he took to calm himself. Tears crept up to his eyes, threatening to fall out. He felt the sting of the liquid forming and the heat in his cheeks as blood rushed to his head. He felt the emotions rush but did his best to push them back. He didn't have time to cry, Nathan needed his support more than his heartfelt emotions. He was the one who was being diagnosed with cancer. Zak had to be there for him calmly, like a true supportive friend. If he broke down, it would be so much harder on Nathan. There would be no tears.

 

Still, it was his lifetime crush, his childhood friend, the man he loved. Nathan was diagnosed with cancer and it was in a later stage too. Immediate diagnosis would've been better, it had a better prognosis. It meant his friend's chances of dying were higher than it needed to be. He felt his heart tighten and nearly suffocate him. The rushing emotions pushed at his gut and made him feel nauseous. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. The sound of his heart rang in his ears, pounding louder and louder, blaring more and more until it felt like it would break his eardrums.

 

Then like his initial calm reaction, he resumed his professionalism. He let no tears shed, no emotions show, no pounding get through his facade. He wondered to himself how he had managed to react in such a detached way just minutes ago and now but he knew. He was going through maladaptive coping; the stress was too much for him to handle and he was shutting the emotions out. It would bite back at him later but right now, that's what he felt he had to do. He answered his friend. "Nathan, I can only give you a suggestion but it really should be your choice. You have the option to take the treatment or not. If you don't there are obvious repercussions but at the same time, there are potential harms to all of the treatments. In the end, it is your life and the decision is yours. I'd... I'll support whatever you choose." He had choked on that last part, hoping Nathan didn't refuse treatment.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan couldn't take that. Why was his friend so calm about this? He himself felt like his worl was falling apart... He was diagnosed with a deadly disease, for heaven's sake! He didn't want to die... Not yet... His blue eyes slowly lost their light as he took in a shaky breath, looking at the folder in his hands with no emotion on his face. If he died now... There would be so much he'd lose. Love, family, a proper job... His whole future would be lost. The brunet bit his lower lip and closed his eyes as he slowly leaned back against the wall, feeling strenth leaving him.

 

"...I don't want to die." He said shakily when Zak finished talking. "But I really don't know what to do... I never... I never knew anything about things like this... I don't know what to choose, and I don't know how am I supposed to pick." He said quietly as he slowly opened his eyes and looked over at his friend with an emotionless face while inside he felt like he was dying already. "I'm just... I'm just lost. What are the potential harms?" He asked while looking at the doctor. "I'd at least like to know that much before I pick something..."

[FatPanda]

Zak heard the words clearly through his friend's shaking voice. I don't want to die. He felt his heart clench, suffocated from the thought. Of course his friend didn't want to die but Zak hadn't heard him say it yet, hadn't seen the emotional rush he had braced himself for. He had been so absorbed in how he felt, he didn't see any of the fear, anger, frustration; there was nothing. Nathan had seemed to listen to everything he and the doctor said as calm as Zak would've liked to be. He had tried so hard not to break down because he wasn't the one just diagnosed with cancer so had tried, really tried, to be calm but his friend appeared calmer than he did.

 

Now, hearing the words holding those true feelings and seeing the shaken up man, Zak's heart throbbed even more. I don't want you to die either! His calm demeanour was wavering and his body started to shake as he held back the tears. "Nathan..." He couldn't stop the fear running through him; he was losing his best friend. The man he loved was dying, for heaven's sake. He couldn't shake the feeling off; the sadness was overwhelming him. He breathed in, attempting to steady himself. Stay calm Zak, you can't break down here. He breathed out and tried his best to reform his crumbling façade. He tried to zone out the rest of Nathan's words, listening only to his own thoughts.

 

The attempt failed immediately; the cold look on Nathan's face cracked the wall he was re-building. His earlier calm was now completely gone, leaving his face in disorder. His lips quivered, his eyes reddened, a flush came over his cheeks and nose, and his eyes squeezed shut. The rush of emotions had boiled up together into a bigger wave, threatening to show themselves. He had only caught a glimpse of the shut out emotions of his crush yet knowing it was there behind the pretense of calm broke his heart. A gasp escaped his lips as streams rushed through his closed eyes and down his face. Zak started to break down into a sobbing fit.

 

The doctor spoke hastily, "Why don't you think this through? Though I recommend chemotherapy, it seems you should take some time to let the news sink in. You should make a rational choice when the shock fades." Really he should have answered the question and explained but Zak didn't complain, he had to get out of there. The doctor probably didn't want to deal with his drama and Zak didn't want the man to watch his drama develop either.

 

Before he could totally lose control of his convulsing body, Zak picked himself up and pushed the chair back too forcefully. The chair fell backward with a thud as he ran down the hall, through the emergency room, and out the doors of the hospital. He stumbled a bit, almost tripping right as he was about to reach the car. The night air was cold on his tear glazed face but his face was flushed from the blood in his head. The running whilst crying left him out of breath. He squat beside the driver seat door and huddled into a ball. He sat there, bawling his eyes out. "I... I don't want him to die... I can't... let him die... I... love... him... too... much..." Zak told himself the words over and over between cries and gasps for air.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan's blue eyes widened slightly when he heard the gasp before his friend broke down. Seeing the tears running down Zak's face made the brunet bite his lip. He wanted to go to him, hold him and say that everything would be fine... He hated seeing Zak cry. He truly hated it... Nathan was about to stand up and go to the crying boy when the doctor began talking. The florist forced himself to stay in place and just listen... This was too important for him to miss. What the doctor said now would decide what was Nathan's choice...

 

However when Zak ran out of the room, Nathan stood up as well. "I'll just... I'll just come here later, or I'll call you. I need to think." He said hurriedly and looked at the doctor, waiting for him to say something more. When the man kept quiet, Nathan quickly walked off the room, clenching onto his chest. The pain didn't seem to be disappearing... When he was sitting, it definitely was less, but now that he was walking, it came back at full force. The tall brunet nibbled on his bottom lip as he thought about what he learned today... Somehow it just seemed so unreal. Cancer? Nathan just couldn't bring himself to believe that. It was probably the main reason he wasn't able to react how he was supposed to.

 

Once he stepped outside, Nathan immediately headed towards his car where he found Zak basically curled up into a ball. Slowly crouching down next to him, the florist gently wrapped his hands around the other's small body and brought him closer, hugging him. "C'mon, don't cry..." He whispered softly, closing his eyes. "Shh... It'll be okay, you know? Zak, trust me... I don't plan on dying. Not yet." The florist said firmly, but it sounded stupid even for himself. The man sighed softly and held the crying boy close to his body. "Look... Why don't we try? I mean, being together." He offered after a long while. If he was to die... He had to at least try, right?

[FatPanda]

Zak heaved in some air, attempting to breathe between his near hyperventilating crying. Why is it you? Why is it that you of all people has to have cancer? He cursed the world to himself as his breakdown threw him into more sobs. He thought there was no way he could calm himself again but Nathan appeared at that moment and held him close. The reassurance surprisingly calmed him enough so that he was breathing as normally as he could and only letting out moans describing how upset he was. He leaned into the hugging body, feeling the need to stay there longer to make up for the days he imagined he'd miss this.

 

New tears formed in his eyes that he fought to bite back again though he knew there was no way he could return to that calm, composed façade. The news was sinking in stronger now and he couldn't pretend it wasn't real any more. He could only cry with each word Nathan spoke, hoping the man wouldn't suddenly die. Zak knew for a fact that it was irrational, absurd even, to consider his friend dead before they'd even tried to treat him but he wasn't strong enough to think of it optimistically. At that moment, he was just worried Nathan was leaving him.

 

He'd been thinking deeply, trying to convince himself that Nathan would be alright when the remark took him by surprise. Shocked at the statement, his jaw dropped open and his crying stopped. He looked up at his friend, directly into his eyes with nothing to say. He couldn't believe what Nathan was saying. He wants to try being with me? He wants to date me like we're lovers? His jaw clenched as he pushed away from Nathan. He was furious, absolutely furious at the suggestion. Moving back a few feet, he screamed between gasps of air, "How could you suggest such a thing? You... you don't like me! You... and I... can't be together. I don't... I don't want you to sacrifice your last chance at a relationship to spend it with me. You'd be so much happier with someone else... you... you're... I can't live with myself if I waste your life... I'm... just..."

 

Zak couldn't form his words; there was no way he could accept an offer just like that. He knew it would be taking advantage of Nathan's situation and that was not what he wanted to do. Yet he couldn't say no to the prospect either. Frustrated, he confessed, "I'd... I'd really... really be so happy... but I... I just... I don't think I could go through this if you make me so happy and then just disappear from my life. I know... I'm being selfish but I don't want to lose you right when you've finally become mine, when I mean so much more to you." He looked up at Nathan through his tear-filled eyes with his frustrated flushed face. Biting his lip, he added, "I want us to work, but not like this."

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan bit his lip as the other looked up at him without saying anything at first. Just the same sad, silent tears... Just what was worse - the sobbing or this silent sadness? The florist couldn't even tell now. The silent blame in those sad tears - he couldn't stand it. Though, when he was pushed away, the florist gasped out softly and failed to keep his balance, this causing him to fall on the ground. His blue eyes widened slightly at the sight of his furious friend. Why was he angry?.. Wasn't this what Zak wanted? To be together as a couple?

 

'You don't like me.' Just how stupid were those words? Nathan sighed as he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry I reacted like that before..." He muttered out quietly and bit his lower lip, for now deciding to just stay quiet and listen. Weird... Wasn't he supposed to be all emotional about how he had cancer? How come there still wasn't any emotion? The florist bit on the inside of his cheek as he breathed out, letting his friend just scream out everything he wanted at him. It seemed like Zak reacted far more than he himself did.

 

"I don't plan on dying." He said through clenched teeth as he opened his blue eyes which were slowly filling with anger. "Stop talking like I'm dying already!" Nathan was slowly getting irritated and even pissed. "I won't die. Hell no. Zak, dammit- If you want to be with me, just be with me! I fuck up most of my relationships anyway - there's a bigger chance I'll do something wrong and you'll break up with me than I die!" The florist said loudly, close to shouting now as he stood up, pulling his friend along.

 

Once they were both standing, Nathan did the best thing he could think of. While holding the other's back of the head with one hand, he leaned in and caught those plump, pink lips into a kiss. Doing this with his best friend was, well, weird. But it was far from unpleasant - even enjoyable, as far as Nathan could tell. With his other hand, the taller brunet pulled Zak's body closer to his own by his waist and gently trailed his tongue over the other's bottom lip. Was he actually doing this?..

[FatPanda]

Eyes wide, Zak was caught off guard by the anger. He'd thought Nathan was calmly taking all of this in, unfazed by the sudden diagnosis and the potential of dying. It was almost like someone else had been told they had cancer and he was just there to listen to the news. The words he spat now showed how hard it must've been for him to sit through all the confusion and anxiety. The ferocious outburst served as a wake up call for Zak; he'd only been thinking about the "if Nathan died" possibilities that he hadn't seen any of the positive outcomes. How was it that the man himself could see it all but he, as someone who should be showing support, could not? Disgraced at himself, he felt like he'd just been slapped in the face, hurt but wide awake. I'd... been thinking of him as dead before we've even tried. How much more ignorant can I get? There's still the chance that he can survive. Zak sniffled and rubbed the tears from his eyes onto his sleeves.

 

He absolutely adored the prospect of dating Nathan, even if it might not end beautifully. He'd waited all his life for the opportunity and now that it was here, even he was astonished he had rejected it. Zak sat in silence as he pondered what to do. He wasn't sure if he was ready to take on such a tough relationship. Though he had prepared himself for rejection or to spend time and effort making a gay relationship work out with his best friend he hadn't prepared himself for a relationship with such a rocky field laid out before them. Even so, he wanted to be the one Nathan could count on when it got tough. Zak didn't want it to be anyone else and if Nathan was okay choosing him, he was up for the challenge. That's how much I love him. As he was pulled up onto wobbly legs, he decided he would make it clear to Nathan that he loved him enough to go through with the relationship.

 

As he opened his mouth, he was pulled forward into a kiss. Zak's heart raced in his chest, pounding all the way up to his head. The rest of his body tensed while his face relaxed into the gesture. All he'd thought about saying disappeared from his mind, blank from everything except how wonderful Nathan's lips felt on his. He'd gone out with a few guys before - of course without Nathan knowing - in an attempt to forget his love for Nathan but none of them, absolutely none, kissed him as gently as this man did. In that instant, he remembered how jealous he'd been when the ex's had flaunted their relationship with him. The feeling of doing the same now was so overwhelmingly exciting that he was at a total loss for words. His reverie had him blankly leaning into the embrace and slowly opening his eyes he'd shut subconsciously.

 

The touch to his lower lip gradually brought him back to reality. A blush crept up his neck to his cheeks and soon covered his face. I just kissed the love of my life. Arms shot up to his lips as he pushed away and shyly squat into a crouch. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh! He couldn't think about anything else but how shocked he was at the unexpected development. Nearly squealing at the turn of results, Zak shot up again and opened his mouth. There was now definitely no reason for him to hesitate in accepting the proposal.

 

Determined to act as normal as he could he yelled back for the previous heated assertions, "If you don't plan on dying then stop making yourself out to be such a bastard of a boyfriend! I've been there through your relationships and it's never been your goddamn fault they turned out to be shit! You're a better man than any of those bitches knew you as and I won't tolerate anyone dissing your sorry ass about it! If they want to cuss about how motherfucking awesome you are, they can but I don't want to hear shit from anyone, especially not you. Hell I'd take you from them any day! Of course I want to be with you! So stop talking about my boyfriend like that!" His face returned to the beat-red form it'd been only moments ago.

 

Somehow he'd had the courage to call Nathan his boyfriend in his unanticipated retort and he was feeling the effects now. Zak had imagined since long ago what he'd do if they ever got together but yelling at him and being embarrassed to call him his "boyfriend" had not been a part of that. He hoped the man didn't mind the way he accepted. It was hard to give in and admit you'd been a self-centred ass that regretted your decision. Hiding his bashfulness, he pulled on Nathan's shirt collar and rammed his lips against the other's again in a rough peck before whipping around to open the door to the car. "Get in! We're going back." He came close to tripping his way into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut. His face was still heated and he could feel how shaken his hands were but he just wanted to bury himself under the steering wheel. Now that he was overjoyed and nervous at the same time, he neglected the diagnosis completely.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan blinked a few times when Zak pulled away so suddenly - and in such an adorable and cute way, too. He chuckled softly as he observed the bright blush on the other's cheek with his own expression calm and gentle, as if the kiss was something already usual for him. Sure, it still felt weird, but... His lips were so soft and even sweet! Nathan licked his lips unconsciously, already waiting for the next kiss - which, he hoped, would not be as awkward as this one. If Zak became this embarrassed with each and every single kiss or motion he did, the relationship wouldn't work out... But this was Zak, not some kind of a weak girl. He would handle that, Nathan just knew it.

 

His eyes widened momentarely when Zak began yelling out something that he was probably supposed to take as compliments... But he couldn't help but burst out laughing. His cheeks were just slightly pink as he laughed softly, small tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. "Zak, Zak, calm down~" He said with a wide grin as he laughed and shook his head. When he finally straightened up, Nathan wiped off the tears from his laughter as he shook his head and looked at the short male with a warm, loving soft smile. "Alright, I won't say anything bad about me. I promise." He said with slight tease in his voice as he chuckled again. "I'm really lucky to have a boyfriend like you, aren't I?" He asked with the same soft smile as he laughed softly.

 

He let out a small groan at the rough kiss he received from his boyfriend - it was far from what he'd call a peck. The brunet blinked and let out another soft, warm laugh when he watched Zak nearly tripping as he got into the car - it was truly an adorable sight. The blue-eyed male smiled gently as he walked around the car and got in, closing the door behind him. "You sure you can drive?" He asked teasingly and laughed again as he reached out and lightly brushed his fingers over the red cheek. "Maybe you should just let me? It seems to me you're a bit nervous." The taller male said with a light chuckle as he smiled and gently pecked Zak's cheek. "I wouldn't want us getting into some accident."

 

Nathan knew just well enough how not to show his emotions. Outside he seemed completely relaxed and calm, while inside... Inside he was scared, angry and upset. Cancer... Slowly but surely, this idea was drilling into his mind and he knew that there wasn't such a big chance of him getting it treated... He didn't want for Zak to know he thought that way. Tomorrow he'd definitely go back to the hospital and start his treatment - though he didn't even know which stage it was. Judging from the doctor's words... It could be even the fourth one.

[FatPanda]

Zak was so flustered by the handsome laugh and everything else that came with the "Nathan package" he fumbled to find the keyhole. The soft laughs, the warm ones, the loud and the hysterical ones were all perfect in Zak's opinion. To make Nathan laugh was something he wanted to always do. He didn't give a damn about anyone else. They could "eat his shit" as he'd say. Zak really had strong attitude problems with people in general but with Nathan, any hurtful words he said he ever meant. To hear him laugh through the embarrassment was upsetting in a way but he knew it didn't mean anything bad. As long as it came from Nathan, it sounded like a sweet whisper. The key found its keyhole as he remembered how Nathan romantically called him his boyfriend. It rang through his mind over and over, making him want to jump up and flail in the cold night wind. If Nathan wasn't there, he would have done it crazily and even shouted in the hospital parking lot.

 

Asked if he could drive, Zak stuttered out an angry reply, "O-of course I can! Don't you dare think I can't drive with a bit of nervousness!" He said the words with as much confidence as he could while brushing the hand from his cheek, even more embarrassed. It didn't hit him that he'd admitted to the nervousness but instead, the peck on his cheek had him steaming like an oven. He flung the door open violently, fanned his face for a moment as he walked a small circle, and returned to the car. It raced his heart for the nth time that night and he really wanted to tell Nathan to stop the lovey dovey act but he secretly liked it a lot. Squaring his shoulders, he closed the door and pulled on his seatbelt. "We won't get into an accident, not when we just got started. I'm not spending my time with you sitting in the hospital." In his thoughtless state, he'd inadvertently made the last remark. Turning quickly to face his boyfriend, he apologized, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just... I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't say things like that..." He hung his head in shame, biting his lip. Like Nathan wouldn't be sensitive enough. Stupid Zak, don't say things like that. Angry at himself, he silently turned back to the wheel.

 

The car started and they rolled on home. Nathan's house wasn't too far - though it seemed really far from the hospital when they were going there earlier that night - they arrived in the driveway shortly. Zak parked the car back into it's place and stepped out of the car, wondering if he should help his boyfriend out. It wasn't like he would do that for any other boyfriend since it was too affectionate for his personality but he considered it because it was Nathan. Well, he wasn't well either so Zak had a solid reason to help. Yet he didn't, precisely because it was Nathan. He didn't want to do anything to make his boyfriend uncomfortable. It could be creepy to see such an odd Zak. Anyway, it would show how ecstatic he was feeling. He'd already embarrassed himself way too many times in one night, he wasn't going to do it again.

 

He walks himself into the house and settles into the couch, pretending he wasn't feeling both joy and sorrow. He tried to act normal, returning to the food he'd left in the living room to cool. Scrunching his face, he scowled, "Yuck, the pizza tastes cold. I'll go reheat it in the oven. I'm sure it shouldn't have gone too bad while we were out." Zak picked up their food and moved to the kitchen, avoiding being alone with Nathan on the couch he'd nearly attacked him on just hours ago. He heated the pizza in the oven as his stomach growled at the sight. He hadn't noticed his returning hunger through all the drama. It'd been a long night and he should have sent the man to sleep and slept as well but his mind was running around too much for slumber. With the food re-heated, he brought it back to the living room expecting to see Nathan watching the T.V.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan's blue eyes showed a hint of pain and hurt at the remark his boyfriend made as he looked away and sighed out softly. His lips were curled out into a small frown as he stared at the window - though it soon turned into a soft, calm smile when he heard Zak apologizing. "Hey, it's okay~" He said softly, pushing all of his sadness into the furthest corner of his mind as he looked at the younger male. "Well, you know I wouldn't force you to be there with me anyway... Zak, really, you don't have to." Nathan said softly as he smiled and closed his eyes, no hint of sadness that was buried inside of him showing. He'd learned to hide his emotions from everyone... He had to stay calm no matter what.

 

The rest of the journey they spent in silence, which felt like an eternity for Nathan. Each second turned into a minute, each minute turned into an hour... And all that was slowly collecting somewhere in his chest, creating that heavy, nasty feeling... The blue-eyed male's body jerked slightly as he held in a cough - and felt the metallic taste back into his mouth. He forced himself to swallow it down as he breathed through his nose. Was he even supposed to leave the hospital without getting some medicine? He ran off the office, after all... Maybe he should go back...

 

His thoughts were stopped by Zak who pulled into a parking lot and stepped out - all that in silence. Was it his fault?.. Gah, of course it was! A soft grunt left Nathan's mouth as he slowly stepped out of the car. He could feel the pain in his chest getting bigger - not from the talking, but possibly from the held in coughing. As he walked towards the house, his shoulders moved a bit more than usually - he was still trying to hold in the horrible feeling, though feeling your own blood in your mouth wasn't any better.

 

He still managed to squeeze out a smile as his boyfriend said he'd go and reheat the pizza. All he gave as an answer was a nod while he walked off to the sofa. Nathan opened his mouth slightly and quickly grabbed a napkin so he could spit out the blood - clearly, somebody didn't want for it to end as easily. He choked on the blood and began coughing again, the napkin soon falling to the ground as his blue eyes teared up slightly. When he noticed Zak back in the room, Nathan tried to stop, he really did... But he failed, simple as that. The coughing seemed to increase more and more as he gripped onto his chest, blood slowly rolling down his chin... That was truly not the best view.

[FatPanda]

Zak had just began to lay his teeth on his pizza still sitting on the plate when he heard the coughing. Surprised, he went the rest of the way to the couch without finishing his bite. "Nathan... how are you doing?" He asked as he put the plates down and tapped the man's back, hoping it would help the cough come out smoother. It was a more forceful "tap" than he'd intended but he didn't think it could do too much harm. Being so happy, Zak hadn't realized how insensitive he was being towards Nathan. He should have been caring for the man instead of thinking about his own need to eat. Beating himself up inside, he grabbed another tissue to help wipe the blood away roughly. It was hard for him to act gentle but he cared enough about the man to at least try to perform a kind gesture.

 

Looking towards Nathan, he couldn't help but stare at the beautiful purple eyes that were tinted in redness. Is he... crying? Zak averted his eyes and frowned. Nathan looked like he was really suffering. Zak's heart clenched at the sight, wanting to cry as well. He didn't care when others cried but it always made him sad to see Nathan cry. He didn't know how to deal with crying the way Nathan did. Nathan had comforted him so easily in the hospital parking lot and here he was in the comfort of a private home with a few tears but still unable to force out any caring words.

 

Biting his lip, Zak tried not to make a big deal of it. After all, it would make just about any grown man uncomfortable to be seen in such a weak state. He knew he would. He thought back to how he'd broken down earlier and the embarrassment came back to him. He felt a flush run through his face. With a quick glance toward Nathan, his embarrassment became something else. The blush was running over his face for a different reason and he could feel an incoming twinge in his pants if he continued to stay where he was. The flustered Zak once again forgot about his new boyfriend's feelings and offered him some pizza instead. "Here, eat something quickly and then go to bed. You should feel a little better after some sleep, yeah?" He inadvertently held up the piece he'd just had his teeth sunken into and fed it toward Nathan.

 

"I'll just be in the washroom for a bit." He forced the pizza at Nathan and ran off. The flush was still in his cheeks and his heart was pounding faster from the run but he'd at least gotten rid of the urge to push Nathan over again. He didn't want to rush their relationship when he knew Nathan wasn't completely into it yet. Patting down his heated face, he took a deep breath. Staring himself down in the mirror, his confidence to remain calm returned. He walked out of the washroom back to the living room without having flushed the toilet for any pretentious signs of using it for the purpose it should have been.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

The 'tap' didn't really help Nathan that much. The coughing seemed to increase momentarily as he closed his teary eyes tightly, trying to stop. He wasn't sure if Zak really wanted to help him or actually make it worse... Oh, what was he thinking? Of course Zak wanted to help, he wouldn't do any of this if he didn't want to help. Still he could've been a bit more gentle... The brunet wiped off the few tears that slipped from behind his closed eyelids as he took a napkin himself to wipe off the blood - actually doing it gently. He managed to stop... Still, he felt so damn weak... Pathetic, even. How could he do anything properly in this kind of a condition? How could he make Zak happy with their relationship? He really didn't think it was all that possible when he really thought about it.

 

When the pizza was literally forced to him, Nathan tried to push it away - tried. He ended up nearly choking on the piece forced into his mouth. He wasn't hungry at all... While trying to swallow the bite with his damaged throat, he teared up slightly again. It hurt... The ache in his chest wasn't going anywhere either. Nathan was left alone, trying to collect himself while Zak left for bathroom. The tall male dropped the piece on the table as he coughed again. Maybe he really should've gone to sleep... But would it really help him? No, what he really needed was to go back to the hospital and actually find out what the hell was he supposed to do.

 

With this thought, Nathan slowly stood up, stuffing a few napkins into his pocket in case he needed those during the trip. He didn't even realize he didn't hear the toilet flushed or anything of the sort... With still slightly teary eyes he looked at Zak while clenching his teeth in pain. "Can you drive me back to the hospital?.. You don't have to stay, I just... I just need to know some things." The tall male managed to say in between soft pants and trying to hold back coughs. He already began walking towards the door... If Zak wasn't going to agree, he was going to drive there himself.

 

Nathan wasn't going to let something like cancer get him. Hell no. He was going to live, goddamit... Even if this was stage four, he didn't care. He didn't care if everyone would say he was going to die - he definitely wasn't going to give up... At least not yet. Something like cancer wouldn't kill him. No way in hell.

[FatPanda]

Facing Nathan at the moment he arrived in the living room, Zak felt a returning flush but was disturbed by the words he heard. He stuttered, "Uh - s-sure, I-I'll drive you but..." He could see the discomfort of Nathan's condition all over the man's face so he tried not to come off too perturbed but he was quite unnerved by the formality. "I'm... " He looked away and breathed in a heavy sigh. "Of course I'll drive you. Of course I'll stay and wait for you. Who do you think I am?" I came out a little bitterly so he bit back his lower lip. However, he was far from wanting to take back the words. He turned his head away. "Nevermind, I'll drive." He knew he was being selfish in the moment but Zak couldn't help feeling upset. They were boyfriends right? So why was he so formal? Even friends weren't so hesitant to ask for help.

 

Zak grabbed himself his slice of pizza before solemnly following after Nathan. He thudded himself into the car once again, driving the same way he'd gone only an hour or so ago. He didn't speak again. The whole way, he sulked in his own insecurity. He was almost sure that his friend wasn't really interested in trying to be with him. He's probably just confusing the need to have a friend stay with him. Zak ran various reasons for the formality in attempt to make himself feel better but they all still lead to one conclusion: Nathan didn't think of him that way. His mind was going nowhere. The thoughts were occupying his brain so much that he completely forgot to worry about Nathan until he stopped at the hospital again. Selfish indeed.

 

He leaned forward, resting his head on the steering wheel. What am I doing? This isn't the time to be moody. There's only so many hours I can mess up in one night and I've obviously ruined more than I should. Zak, keep it together. We're here for Nathan not you. For once, just once, think about someone else. Letting out the breath he'd unknowingly held, Zak opened his mouth. "Sorry, I was a little tired from this morning is all. Do you want me to go in and listen with you?" The tears felt liked they'd gush out again. He offered to go in though he knew he would probably throw another fit if he did. "Or I could wait out here if you want some privacy." He'd really rather stay in the car but he tried to be considerate after all the inconsiderate things he'd said and done all day. Maybe it was a little overly considerate though that it seemed even to Zak that it did not match his usual personality.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan barely managed a soft smile at his boyfriend when he heard the answer. "Thanks..." He murmured out softly as he walked up to the car and got in, pressing up a napkin to his mouth as he coughed. The brunet didn't pay as much attention to Zak's bitterness - he didn't think too much of it. While they were driving, the blue-eyed male began to hate silence. It was suffocating. He felt like he was about to stop breathing, like the silence would just... Crush him. The air around them was heavy, filled with bad feelings, nasty emotions and pain. He didn't like that at all. Still, Nathan couldn't bring himself to say something to end it. He just didn't know what he could possibly say... Everything he thought of just seemed stupid. Unworty of the time. Not worthy of telling them... Especially not to Zak.

 

When they stopped, Nathan was about to get out of the car when he noticed his boyfriend resting his head against the wheel. Was something wrong? Hearing the other talk shot a stinging pain through his heart. A quiet sigh left the man's mouth as his lips curved out into a small, sad smile. He leaned in closer and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. "I'd like it if you went with me." He said softly, placing one hand on Zak's hair to lightly stroke it. "I don't really think I can go in alone..." He admitted softly as he looked away, letting his hand linger for a few moments before pulling it away. He smiled sadly as he stepped out of the car and slowly closed the door. Looking at his boyfriend, Nathan felt tears filling up his eyes. "I... I'm sorry to drag you into this."

 

After saying that, Nathan turned around and began walking towards the entrance. His knees felt weak... He was dizzy... His chest hurt... The cold night's air hurt his damaged throat with each breath... It hurt to live. Death seemed like something that would just finish it all - but he wasn't sure it was the best choice. Clenching his hands into fists, Nathan walked to the entrance, slowly walking inside. He wanted to hold something... As a child, he'd always carry around a teddy bear that he'd hug in bad situations. Right now he honestly wished he had something like that... Or, at least if he could hold Zak's hand. That would probably be just as good... Maybe even better.

[FatPanda]

Zak hadn't wanted to go nor was he ready to step out of the car but he felt guilty for those thoughts when the kiss was planted on his cheek. He hadn't thought - really thought - that Nathan wanted this relationship but the unexpected kiss had him really hoping the feelings could be mutual. Overcome with regret for trying to abandon Nathan when he needed him, the tears ran down. He felt like shouting at his boyfriend again. Getting out of the car with a slam to the door, he ran after Nathan and called out, "Asshole, don't apologize for these kinds of things!" In a lighter tone and a whisper, he added, "It's not your fault at all." Of course he'd go; he had to if he was serious about sticking with this man through the whole ordeal.

 

He lightly touched the back of Nathan's hand with his. Zak wanted to hold his hand for a bit, just a little, before they got inside and they couldn't really show off their relationship. Daringly, he slipped his hand in and looked away as the flush on his cheeks glowed red. He began to stutter something incomprehensible but shut up when he couldn't get it right. Really hoping Nathan didn't mind, he started thinking the man just might. Anxiety flooded into his heart. Surely, I'm not moving too fast, right? Zak's palm began to get sweaty and clammy which made him panic more. He didn't know what to do about his sticky hand. There were more important things to deal with at the moment so he tried to get out of the situation as fast as he could. He lightly pulled Nathan along to the door.

 

"We're here." He let go of the hand and apologized, "Sorry about that. I - I just wanted to - " He'd always wanted to do that but he'd never had a chance nor the guts to confess before. Turning abruptly, he held the door open, "Are you going to be alright?" Concern took over again and the tears came back to the brim of his eyes. He was definitely crying way too much today. He wiped the beginning of tears away with his sleeve and gave a legitimately light pat on Nathan's back - almost like a rub.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Nathan only chuckled at the insult and words from his boyfriend, lightly shaking his head. "Sorry, sorry." He said softly as he smiled at Zak. The brunet managed to miss the other's tears, however... Maybe that was for the better. He wouldn't feel guilty about it now, at least. The two of them walked towards the hospital, and Nathan was pleasantly surprised when Zak's hand slipped into his own. Like his thouhts were read.. With a small smile on his face, the taller male lightly squeezed his boyfriend's hand, chuckling quietly at the embarrassment coming from the other. He was cute... Especially when embarrassed from situations like this, it seemed.

 

"Nothing to apologize for. I liked it." Nathan said softly as he took Zak's hand again, a small smile on his face. The man walked inside, pulling Zak along. There was no way he could go to the doctor's office alone. "If you come along, I'll be fine..." Nathan said quietly, sighing quietly as he turned to Zak. He bit down on his lip slightly before leaning down for a small peck. "I don't want to go there alone." He admitted quietly, lightly squeezing onto the other's hand. He was a calm person in nature, but in situations like this, he couldn't help but feel a bit afraid. Afraid of what he'd hear, of what he'd have to do... Of what he might lose.

 

Nathan began walking through the hospital, his breathing getting uneven now. He was still holding the bloodied tissues in his hand as he walked to the doctor's office while holding onto Zak's hand. His skin seemed paler in this light - or maybe it was paler in general. Overall, Nathan definitely looked worse than usually... Probably because he took so long to actually go to a doctor.

 

When they reached the office, Nathan knocked quietly and, hearing the doctor's voice telling to come in, opened the door and stepped inside. "Oh, you're back." The doctor commented with a sigh as he stood up and walked towards the man. "Are you ready to hear all I have to say now?" The brunet nodded quietly as an answer, lightly squeezing Zak's hand. "Perfect... Sit down, do you need some water?" The doctor asked quietly while Nathan shook his head, but sat down nevertheless. He just wanted to get this over with.

[FatPanda]

Zak flushed bright red as he let Nathan hold his hand and pull him along. They were inside the hospital, in public! He found it unbelievable that Nathan dared to show affection in public. He thought it might've been because Nathan didn't think anything of their relationship so he could so casually take the hand. Yet he convinced himself to shake his head and discard the doubt. I have to believe he's doing this because he loves me. He did after all just kiss me outside. I can’t believe it but he didn’t seem to be joking. Zak’s own thoughts were making his heart flutter crazily. His dream was finally coming true; it was hard not to grin like an idiot.

 

He couldn't help but be glad for the sudden turn of events - for Nathan to suddenly been diagnosed with Cancer. He felt guilty for being glad but he couldn't help liking the way things turned out. Never would he have imagined he could be with Nathan in such a relationship if it hadn’t been for the sudden decline in Nathan’s health. Trying his best to keep his grin to himself, Zak couldn’t stop the violent blush that formed when they walked into the doctor’s room together, hand in hand. Surely the doctor wouldn't judge their homosexual relationship, right?

 

Zak sat quickly in a seat, trying to hide the intertwined hands from the doctor’s view. He wasn’t ashamed of “them” but he wasn’t prepared to confront anything the doctor had to say. At the same time, he didn’t want to let go. He’d already tried it once and obviously, Nathan didn’t seem to mind the hand holding so Zak wanted to keep it that way for a bit longer – just until Nathan got fed up with him, which he was sure would happen one day when the man was in better health. Zak didn't expect the relationship to last.

 

Listening to the doctor ramble on about the various things he was obliged to say, Zak watched Nathan closely. He wanted to react properly this time, unlike that sudden aloofness and then outburst into tears he’d shown earlier that night. This information mattered to Nathan; he should listen carefully. There was explanation after explanation about the treatments he could undergo and their side effects. Zak wasn't sure which he wanted Nathan to do. It was probably too late for surgery and the such and the doctor had been right that chemotherapy was the best option left but he was worried that Nathan wouldn't want chemotherapy. It wasn't the nicest of solutions to go through.

 

When the doctor finished his long, near-one-sided-save-for-a-few-rhetorical-questions-speech, Zak gave Nathan's hand a gentle squeeze as he was asked for a decision to be made. He wanted to get Nathan well again but sometimes it hurt a lot less to live the rest of one's life fully and without the pains of chemo. Zak hoped Nathan knew what he was doing when he decided.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

The doctor didn't seem to care about their relationship at all. He treated them just as he would've treated anyone else - be it friends, a couple, a parent with a child - he didn't give a shit. He had his patient, and there was someone there to comfort them. That was all he had to know; all he wanted to know. There may have been a glance or two at their entwined hands, but that was it.

 

His voice was almost monotonic as he explained each of the treatment choices. Nathan seemed as if he wanted to sink into the ground and never get out. Each of those treatments had their own pluses and minuses - and it seemed like chemotherapy would be the best choice... As he'd thought, the doctor told them the fact that his cancer was in the last stage - so he had to choose right now.

 

Feeling the small squeeze from Zak made him take in a slightly hitched breath while he lowered his eyes to the table. "I guess... I'll go with chemotherapy then." He muttered softly and lightly rubbed his eyes with his right hand, seeing as the left one was in his boyfriend's grip. The doctor let out a quiet sigh as he nodded and stood up, a small frown on his face. "Very well then." He said quietly and offered the man a small smile.

 

"Let's go." He said as he turned around and walked out. Nathan didn't even question it - he just stood up and walked after the other, his hand squeezing his boyfriend's. All this was just scary to him... He didn't even know how to process this properly. The thought that anyone could be glad for this didn't pass his mind even once. All he knew was that his world seemed like slowly falling apart - it crumbled down even more when he was led to his ward.

 

The doctor instructed him to change into a hospital gown while he got a nurse who would explain everything else. When the older man was gone, Nathan couldn't hold out any longer. The tears he'd been holding in unconsciously slowly began rolling down his cheeks as he sat down on the bed and hid his face into both hands, having pulled his right one from Zak's hand. It was just a little bit too much. He just.. He just needed time. He repeated this to himself while his body shook from the tears. He didn't want to die. He didn't.

[FatPanda]

Zak swallowed the breath he'd been holding inadvertently and considered the answer Nathan made. Did he make the right choice? He had no idea. It'd be rough for sure but so was all other options. The only thing Zak could do now was really to support him throughout the process. How? He had no idea how he was going to do that except to stay by Nathan's side. And even then, Zak didn't know if he could be there all the time with school and living so far away. He'd have to change up his daily routines so he could at least pay Nathan a visit every other day if not every day. This was weighing more on his mind than he ever thought it would.

 

He got out of his seat and followed the tug of his hand absentmindedly. Now that a decision was made, it felt so much more real and so much more scary. He couldn't think. No, he didn't want to think. When he thought about it, he felt a hint of desire to withdraw and right now, he knew that wasn't an option. They'd only just started; he couldn't bail already. So, he changed his thoughts to one that would keep his mind off the topic: his distaste for the doctor's detached interaction. He didn't like the doctor and his way of speaking. It put Zak on edge. Perhaps he was simply directing his anger, at the unreasonably unexpected situation, elsewhere instead of trying to admit it frustrated him but he couldn't help disliking the doctor more and more as time passed.

 

When the white coat disappeared out of the patient room, Zak muttered a curse at the man and slumped down onto the bed next to Nathan. He'd have continued cursing the man if he didn't almost instantaneously notice his boyfriend crying. Panic hit him. He didn't know how to comfort people and this was the first time Nathan was breaking down after hearing the news. Zak had to do something. Stuttering in his flurry of panics, Zak uttered reassurances with as much confidence in them as he could. "H-hey, it's okay... it's going to be okay. We'll get through this." He pulled Nathan into an embrace and stroked the man's back in as comforting a way as he knew how.

 

After stuttering a few lines, Zak stopped talking and just let Nathan sob. He continued to hold Nathan's head against his chest and stroked up and down the back. It was probably better to stay quiet. It was also easier for Zak to not have to open his mouth because seeing the stronger man cry made Zak cry again. He told himself not to because he had to keep himself together for Nathan but he couldn't stop the tears streaking his own face. The tears fell down his chin and dropped onto Nathan's forehead.

 

Zak breathed in heavily to stop the crying and wiped his face with a sleeve. "You going to be okay?" He asked Nathan as he helped straighten Nathan back up into a sitting position. He used his other sleeve to wipe at the tears covering Nathan's face. Zak then gathered his courage to say the words he knew he had to say. Gently putting both his palms on either side of Nathan's face, he said, "It's going to be alright. I'll be here with you. So let's get you into this gown now, okay?" He tried to smile but only managed to let out an awkward one. He slipped off the bed, and he too left the room so Nathan could get changed.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

How come the tears didn't stop no matter how much he wanted them to? One after another, then there were more and more and more. Nathan's whole body was shaking as he was pulled into the warm embrace he realized he never wanted to leave. His arms were wrapped tightly around Zak's smaller body as he sobbed into his chest, all of the sadness he'd bottled up pouring out all at once. And once they did, there was no way of stopping them. They just went on and on, without any pauses or slowing downs, nothing like that. It only seemed like his eyes were going to dry out, yet they didn't. He thought he'd lose his voice from the countless sobs coming out, but he didn't. He thought Zak would just push him away and tell him to stop... And he didn't.

 

The hand rythmically stroking up and down his back may have calmed him down a little bit, but it wasn't enough. Nor were the mutters, they didn't help him. Nathan could only clench onto the other's shirt, hoping to make him stay as long as possible... He wanted to just end it all like this. If he was to die, he wanted to at least feel happy then.

 

"No." He whispered the answer to Zak's question. He wasn't going to be okay. He had cancer. He was going to die. All of his positive thoughts seemed to have run out with the tears... He didn't want to die, but he couldn't really do anything. It almost felt like his soul had left him in this mortal body, so vulnerable to everything. Human body was too fragile... So weak when it came to any diseases. So weak when it came to bones. So weak when it came to mental illnesses... Humans were weak; sometimes too weak to live through... Maybe he was the sometimes human.

 

Nathan didn't want for his boyfriend to go. He didn't want to be left alone now, when he felt the need to have human contact to feel alive even a little bit. He felt violent shivers through his body when he was alone. Thanks to Zak's motions, he'd calmed down a bit, yet now the tears came back streaming down. He somehow managed to get into the gown and into the bed. The covers drawn up to his chin, he drew his knees to himself, feeling like some scared child. What was he even supposed to do now?

 

Just then, the nurse came into the room. Her expression seemed to soften at the sight as she walked towards the brunet with slow steps. "Are you comfortable?" Was her first question, which again shook Nathan. He shook his head, yet when asked how to make it better, he didn't know the answer. He didn't feel all that real now. The tumor in his lungs didn't feel real... Life didn't feel real. Everything was just clouded by some thick mist; he couldn't even see himself.