Our Secret Song (Bellala99 & Gatichan)

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave's mind was still clouded from his orgasm as his hair was gripped tightly by the strong hand of his boyfriend. The blond moaned loudly both in pain and pleasure as he continued to work on the shaft with his tongue as much as the other let him, trying to help him cum as much as possible... And hear more of his voice. The singer's eyes widened a bit as the warm liquid soon filled his mouth and his hair was finally released from the tight grip. The young male swallowed the sticky liquid as he licked his lips and breathed out, lazily slipping up to lay on top of Jared's sweaty, warm body which still gave him safety.

 

Dave let out a lazy smile as he snuggled lightly into the taller male, chuckling softly and blushing at the compliment. The lean male didn't find any strength left to answer so he just laid there, listening to Jared's heartbeat which seemed to be slowly calming down. It was such a nice sound... Dave breathed out softly and opened his eyes to look up at his boyfriend before lightly shaking his head. "Maybe later... I'm tiiiiired...." The man groaned out, though couldn't help the blush on his cheeks from the fact that Jared called him 'baby'.

 

A soft yawn escaped the singer's mouth and he snuggled up close, finding their bodies fitting together perfectly... And then he remembered the breakfast. With a soft groan the shorter male opened one eye and looked at the tray which was filled with food... "Mm... If you still want to return some favor, feed me~" The blond said with a chuckle as he opened his mouth slightly and smiled. "I'm sure it'll taste good after this...~" Dave almost purred out, though his cheeks were red. Really, how stupid was he to say something like that?

[Gatichan]

Having Dave laying in his arms, both their naked and still sensitive bodies rubbing against each other, felt like heaven. Kissing Dave’s hair apologetically, Jared cocked his head to the side to peck Dave’s lips. “Sorry, did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to, it was just so intense. You were amazing, babe,” he murmured, weaving his fingers through Dave’s blond hair and kissing the tips, sighed out happily. And very soon, he would be the one giving Dave more pleasure.

 

Of course, hearing Dave say that he was tired came most unexpectedly and for a while, Jared simply lay there, wondering if Dave was trying to purposefully get out of having Jared seduce him. Could it be that Jared hadn’t been as wonderful as Dave had claimed he had been the night before? Maybe the lead singer feared that Jared would totally suck and seducing him? Doubt began to fill his mind and Jared’s eyes became unhappy. His only wish had been to make Dave feel the way the lead singer had made him feel. But then again, was it a wonder that Dave had been so good? After all, Dave had had many men before him, while Jared had been a virgin. He meant to ask, wanted and didn’t want to have his fears confirmed, but then Dave stretched and rolled over, pouting prettily again and claiming he wanted Jared to feed him.

 

Jared tried to force a smile, but he was filled with so much sudden self-doubt in that moment that he couldn’t. Clearing his throat uneasily, he pushed off the bed and reaching down, retrieved his boxer shorts. Slipping them back on, he smiled again at Dave, yet avoided his eyes. “I forgot to bring up an extra cutlery set. I’ll be right back,” he promised and then hurried out the bedroom, feeling his eyes stinging. The carefree, fluffy cloud he had been floating on had evaporated and left behind a depressing world where all that Jared could suddenly think about were the possible men that Dave had already slept with.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave smiled softly and shook his head. "You didn't hurt me... Don't worry~" He said softly and smiled again as he closed his eyes and rested his head back on the other's chest. The blond let out a small hum as he thought about all that'd happened to them both already - this morning seemed to be their most perfect moment yet... Just laying like this, no worries or troubles - well, at least that was what the singer thought. He had no idea that Jared thought that way... The point was, Dave'd just cummed, there was no point in making him hard again only to make him cum. Once was enough for him - especially if it was morning.

 

Of course, the perfect morning image was shattered into small pieces when Jared slipped out of the bed while avoiding Dave's blue eyes. The later bit his lower lip and looked down at the bed sheets, lightly gripping on them as he breathed out. Had he done something wrong? Why did Jared act like that?... Clearly, the singer didn't even think about the possibility of Jared wanting to please him at all - Dave never really wanted that, maybe it was simply because of his previous two "relationships".

 

When his relationships came to mind, one thought led to another and finally Dave was sure he found the reason for Jared's behaviour - he probably thought that the blond was a slut. Dave let out a warm, shaky breath as he leaned back against the pillows and pulled his knees to himself. So this relationship would end just as fast? Maybe he just wasn't meant to find someone who loved him... The singer sadly put his head on his lap and breathed out gently, watching how a strand of hair moved because of his breath.

[Gatichan]

Once he was back inside Dave’s kitchen, Jared splashed cold water into his face and widened his eyes. Maybe he was overreacting. But how was he supposed to know? All Jared had had on his mind had been making Dave feel good. And no, now that his head was clear again, Jared realized that making Dave feel good didn’t necessarily mean that they had to have sex. Making Dave feel good right then meant that all Jared had had to do was to feed his lover. Confused why something so obvious hadn’t made sense upstairs inside Dave’s bed had Jared shaking his head. He was being stupid again for no reason- wow; who would have thought that relationships could be so difficult?

 

Hurrying back up the stairs with a knife and fork, Jared stepped back into the room to see Dave leaned over, his face on his knees. In that moment, Dave looked so forlorn and forgotten that Jared felt his heart clench. I’m such an idiot, he thought, calling out his lover’s name. When Dave was looking at him again, the sadness in his eyes smote Jared’s heart. Stripping again, Dave climbed, naked, back into the bed and pulling Dave closer to him, kissed his boyfriend tenderly. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m still pretty new to all this relationship stuff. I just…” he struggled with his words.

 

“When I woke up this morning, I wanted to make you feel good. And when you pushed away and wanted to eat instead of letting me touch and excite you anew, I started having doubts about last night and…” God, this was tough. “And whether I’d done something wrong. But I guess you really are tired.” Jared let out a sheepish laugh. “It’s just that you’re like an aphrodisiac to me and all I want is to lie in this bed with you and have you from all sides, in every possible position and then cuddle and hug you and tell you how much I adore you. I’m sorry if I went overboard there- please, don’t feel bad,” he murmured, kissing Dave’s lips again. Reaching past his band member, Jared picked up one of the ripe strawberries and passing it through the whipped cream, brought it up between his and Dave’s lips. “Here…for you…”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Hearing his name called out, Dave tilted his head a little bit to look at his boyfriend. The thought of Jared seeing him as a slut didn't seem to disappear anywhere - it must've been the main reason his blue eyes seemed so sad. Even so, the singer smiled at his boyfriend a sad, a bit uncertain smile. At least it wasn't forced out... The blond took in a deep breath as he watched Jared walking back into the bed. Even now, he couldn't keep his eyes off the amazing body - he really was a whore, wasn't he? All he could think about was having the body close and listening to Jared's voice... He was a slut, and an egoist. What else could he be called anyway?

 

Dave shook his head at the other's words, still smiling the same smile. Just, as Jared kept talking, his blue eyes slowly widened. Jared doing something wrong? That seemed impossible, at least for Dave. Thinking about how the drummer could fail at something he did - it was something he just couldn't imagine. Jared was pretty much perfect for Dave... Well, if he didn't think of him as a slut, he would be, that is. With a soft sigh, the singer leaned against his boyfriend and closed his eyes as he opened his mouth and took the strawberry in... Just it didn't taste as amazing as it usually did. His bad thoughts weren't letting him enjoy even his most favorite food...

 

The blue eyes slowly opened when Dave shifted away from his boyfriend. He looked at the bed sheets as he lightly gripped onto them. He wasn't going to voice his thoughts... He'd look annoying if he did. With a small smile on his face, the singer looked up at Jared and slipped out of the bed. "I'll be right back... Bathroom." He said with a weak smile before turning around without letting the drummer say anything else. He couldn't believe he'd be doing this ever again... Just like when he was merely a teenager - he had a pretty bad habit. He'd cut himself.

[Gatichan]

Jared tried not to feel discouraged when he saw Dave’s sad smile. What was his boyfriend – they were boyfriend and boyfriend now, weren’t they? Maybe they ought to clear that up soon – thinking that was making him so sad? Jared held his breath, hoping that Dave would listen to him and believe what he had just said. Running a hand through the lead singer’s hair tenderly, he gazed into Dave’s amazing eyes. But Dave didn’t reply and, even though he leaned back against Jared’s chest and snuggled closer, obediently opening his mouth to accept the tasty, fat red strawberry, Jared sensed that something was wrong and still preoccupying his lover’s mind.

 

But how to broach the subject without killing the already suffering mood? Jared made to open his mouth when Dave suddenly moved away. The way he was gripping onto the bed sheets told Jared that the other teen was about to say something that was obviously quite difficult for him to admit. But again, Dave surprised him and simply stood up, leaving without saying what had obviously troubled him. Jared held back, unsure. Maybe Dave just needed to analyze what Jared had just said. Nodding, Jared watched him go and turned to the lovely breakfast tray he had prepared. For nothing. Because this morning was turning out to be going from bad to worse within seconds.

 

A feeling that something was seriously wrong with Dave overcame Jared all at once as he reached for the cooling coffee. It wasn’t something that he would have been able to explain to anyone else- it just occurred all of a sudden: from one instance to the next, Jared was filled with intense dread that Dave was about to do something stupid. Jumping out and almost upsetting the tray, Jared ran towards the bathroom and reaching out, began to hammer against the door. “Dave? DAVE!!! I’m coming in- okay?” he called out and turning the knob, opened the door and stepped in. What he saw, made him open his eyes. “Oh God- Dave, stop that!!”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave took in a deep, shaky breath as he sat down on the toilet seat and for a while just stared at the blade in his hand. For some reason he still kept this around... His blue eyes had lost all their life when he leaned back against the seat and bit his lower lip while slowly, carefully putting the blade against his wrist. Pain. That always helped him forget, always helped him get away... Just like music - just that pain was even stronger. Dave couldn't focus on anything else if he hurt himself, and right now that was all he needed.

 

Firmly, the teen pressed the blade harsher against his skin and slowly slid it across his wrist, looking how dark red blood began flowing out. One. The blond pressed the blade lower, doing the same thing again, just maybe a bit harder. Two. He could still think about Jared. This wasn't enough. Three. His blue eyes slowly filled up with tears as he watched the blood flowing out of his wrist and dripping onto the ground. Four. Slowly everything else was gone. All that was left was pain. Six. He could hear something, but he didn't care. Seven. Someone came into the bathroom. Was he saying something?

 

Dave didn't stop even when Jared stepped in. He didn't hear what the other said - or maybe he didn't want to. For all he knew, the drummer thought of him as a slut. One cut after another, only more and more blood flowed out. Dave didn't want to stop... He wasn't going to stop until nothing was left. "I'm a slut..." He whispered out quietly as he pressed the blade into his skin harder, feeling the pain wash over him like a giant wave... And he liked that.

[Gatichan]

Jared reacted on impulse and didn’t have time to regret. Rushing forward, he slapped Dave across the face. Hard. So hard, in fact, that the blade in Dave’s hand fell off before he could execute a further cut and ruin his lovely skin. “What the hell are you doing, you idiot!!” Jared screamed at him, yanking Dave up by his unbleeding arm and forcing it into the sink, turned the cold faucet on at full blast to stop the bleeding. Frantically opening the mirror cabinet above the sink, Jared began to rummage and search around for a first aid kit, but couldn’t find one. Swearing badly and keeping Dave’s arm under the freezing water, even though it was hurting his own fingers, Jared fell onto his knees on the bathroom mat to open the doors of the cupboard below the sink. There, finally, he found the black first aid box.

 

“Don’t you dare move,” he snapped at Dave as he stood up again and dropping the kit onto the toilet seat, began to open it. Pulling out some bandages and cream, Jared removed Dave’s arm from beneath the water and placing some smaller pads over the cuts after he’d dabbed on a lot of cream, he dexterously wrapped up Dave’s lower arm with gauze, gritting his teeth audibly. “Why the hell are you doing this- are you sick!? Do you want to kill yourself?! What are you, Borderline or something!? I can’t believe you’re doing this!!” he wailed, dragging Dave back towards the bedroom again and forcing Dave onto the bed, Jared flew towards his band member’s cupboard. Pulling out a new set of clothes, he tossed them down into Dave’s lap. “Hurry. But them on. I’m going to call our manager and he’d better call a doctor to see you- cutting yourself like that isn’t normal. I don’t know, but maybe you’ll need to go to the hospital,” Jared fretted, tearing out the room to throw away the bloody razor blade.

 

Returning to the bedroom, Jared’s eyes wavered when Dave’s empty gaze met his. “Dave, I can’t believe…I don’t understand. Why would you want to hurt yourself like this? I told you that I loved you, I made love to you, I enjoyed the way you sucked me and then I apologized for my stupid behavior, but you don’t believe me?” Jared wanted to scream at his friend, wanted to shake him up, but common sense told him that charging the moment with more emotion would have the exact opposite effect. Forcing himself to breathe out, he jumped back into his clothes and reaching for his cell phone, switched it on. “I’m going to call now. Please get dressed, Dave, otherwise this situation will be even harder to explain,” he begged quietly.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave barely even felt the slap across his cheek - at least for the first few moments. Even so, it quickly filled his eyes with tears and he let out a small, barely audible wince when Jared pulled him towards the sink. His whole body seemed to be shivering when the other teen yelled at him in such a way and he could feel tears rolling down. He couldn't really make out what the drummer was saying, all he knew was that he'd made Jared angry... And it made him feel worse. Worse and worse as time passed. The relief that he usually could feel from pain was quickly disappearing and instead it gave way to sadness and tears, which were falling down quickly by now.

 

Dave whimpered softly when the other began taking care of his hand with no gentleness. Now he could hear the questions... But he didn't want to answer. He just stayed quiet, with tears flowing down his cheeks. Even when Jared dragged him to the bedroom, he didn't say anything. When the clothes were tossed on his lap, he didn't move a muscle. Why would he, anyway? No one cared about him... Jared was angry at him... What was the point of staying alive by now? He wasn't going to make anything good, he was a failure, and he was so, so dirty.

 

When Jared came back, Dave forced himself to look at the green eyes he grew to love so much - but now he couldn't even feel that. The eyes were filled with so much... Hatred? No, that wasn't quite it. The singer barely heard what the other said as he slowly, as if not caring at all, began putting on the clothes. The blue-eyed male stared at his bandaged up hand with no emotions as he got dressed and continued sitting on the bed. Going to a hospital meant telling someone about what happened... It meant that he wouldn't be able to sing in the band. These thoughts made even more tears appear, yet the blond did nothing about it. He just watched how they fell and... He realized he wished the drops were red. The at least he'd know something would come out of it - something that would help him again.

[Gatichan]

Watching Dave sitting limply on the bed, not seeming to hear or even realize what was going on around him, scared Jared more than he wanted to even admit to himself. Cutting off the phone call that he’d been trying to establish to their manager, Jared walked over to Dave and sitting down on the bed beside him, turned his body so that he could look at his friend. Wrapping an arm around Dave’s waist and pulling him towards him, Jared slipped his other hand through the back of Dave’s lovely blond hair, easing his lover’s face against his neck. With that, Jared leaned back against the pillows, taking Dave along with him.

 

When they were laying on the bed again, Jared searched his mind trying to figure out what to say. His mind began to fill with doubts. If he told the manager about Dave, then he’d have to answer all kinds of awkward questions, trying to explain why he had been at Dave’s house at such an early time in the morning and why Dave had started cutting himself the way he had. Still, Jared was nervous about not having Dave’s arm checked. He wanted a doctor to see it so that no scars would remain. Taking in a shaky breath, Jared began to speak, quietly this time as he tenderly caressed Dave’s back and neck in soothing circular motions.

 

“I’m sorry if I yelled at you, Dave. I was just so surprised. I wish I knew what I’d done to make you feel the way you do. I want to make you hear the right words, but I don’t know what to say. Everything was going so well and then this happened. Dave, I wish you’d speak to me. I won’t call our manager if you’re afraid, but I really think we ought to see a doctor about your cuts. I don’t want your skin to be marred. You mean the world to me and seeing you cutting yourself like that…like…like some lifeless doll…it breaks my heart,” he admitted, his voice cracking on the last word as he possessively hugged Dave closer and kissed his hair. “I love you so much. Having had you last night and this morning ahs felt like a dream to me. Why, Dave? Why did this happen?”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave nearly flinched when Jared pulled him closer. He wasn't even sure he wanted the drummer to hold him like this for now... To be honest, he was adraid. Hearing the other teen yell at him that way just terrified the blond, he didn't want to hear that ever again... But of course, since he was a stupid whore, that would just continue on happening anyway. When they were both laying on the bed, all Dave wanted was to bury himself into Jared, and maybe there he'd be able to forget and not feel anything - it was what he needed. He wanted all the life gone, he didn't care about what surrounded him...

 

Dave let out a shaky breath when the drummer began talking... It all seemed like one big lie to Dave. "I'm a slut." He repeated the only words that he seemed to be able to say as he looked at the drummer's chest where his tears had stained the shirt. "Just a worthless slut..." The singer said quietly, his voice quiet and broken - just like the blond himself was feeling. Jared didn't really care for him... Nor did his parents or anyone he'd ever been with, anyone he'd ever talked to! He was just someone others could make fun of.. Just someone people could have their fun with. A toy.

 

What if it was exactly who he was supposed to be? Just a guy who people screwed and forgot a few minutes later when he was tossed out like trash? Dave's mind was filled with these kind of thoughts as he lightly pushed Jared away with shaky hands. "You don't.... Don't have touch me..." He whispered out as he still kept his eyes away from his boyfriend... No, trash like him didn't even have boyfriends. "I'm dirty, I know that..."

[Gatichan]

Jared had hoped that his quiet voice would be able to reach Dave, but it seemed as if he hadn’t. When Dave pushed him away, Jared remained laying where he was, because the words that Dave was saying didn’t make any sense to him. A slut? Why on earth was he calling himself a slut? Jared had certainly never called him that and it seemed absurd, but when Dave carried on speaking, pushing Jared’s hands away that meant to caress him, he heard the word “dirty” and then something inside his head went “click”.

 

Was Dave referring to the men he had slept with before? Something inside Jared’s stomach clenched- no, he didn’t want to think of the men who had been in Dave’s life before, because to Jared, Dave was his first man. And the only man he wanted. The night before Dave had alluded to his previous boyfriends and even though he hadn’t said anything concrete, it had been clear to Jared that the men hadn’t been good people and hadn’t appreciated. And those same men were probably the ones who had made Dave believe that he wasn’t good enough for then, when it had obviously been the other way around. Was that what had caused Dave to react to dramatically? Had something been activated in Dave that he now feared that Jared would leave him, believing that he would toss Dave aside again? Jared tried to respect Dave’s current distance, even though it hurt him. What would this sudden mood swing mean for his and Dave’s relationship in the long run? Would it break them apart, or would Dave eventually be able to trust Jared and believe him? Jared swallowed past the lump in his throat. It was decidedly too early to tell, but he hoped that it would be possible.

 

“Dave, you’re not a slut and you’re not dirty. Not in any way,” Jared stated softly, but clearly, reaching out to make Dave look into his eyes, where only truth and tenderness were. “I don’t know who made you think or feel that way, but that’s not me. Not in any way. I’ve been in love with you since the day I joined our band and I adore you. If I believed you to be dirty, then I never would have approached you. But I did and I made love to you- I didn’t fuck you, I didn’t force you into sucking me off today and I certainly won’t pay you for that. I thoroughly enjoyed our intimacies and I want more. I want you- not only for a night or a couple of days, but for years to come. You’re not a slut, Dave. Something’s – a memory, probably – been activated in your brain and now you played an old film, that that’s incorrect: I’m not like the men you dated before, Dave. I’m me, Jared. And I really love you.” He sighed shakily- what could he possibly do to make Dave believe him?”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave whimpered softly when the drummer made him look at him. His blue eyes were still filled with fears which were rolling down one after another and dripping down onto the bed sheets. The blond's body trembled slightly from the words he heard and soon the singer had his head buried into the other's chest as he cried, unable to stop himself anymore. Maybe this was what he truly needed... Just someone who'd hold him. Just someone who he could feel safe with... But could he really feel safe with Jared? The guy who yelled at him with such anger?... Could he even trust the drummer now?

 

The blond took quite some time to actually be able to be able to even breathe properly. His hands were ever so tightly gripping Jared's shirt, afraid to let go. He felt like is he let go off the drummer, he'd be left alone just like before... Now there was a small ray of hope - even if just a small, weak one, it was there. Maybe Jared could actually help him... But Dave still didn't know that for sure. He trusted people too easily - maybe now was the time to change that?

 

"D... Do you really mean that?" Dave asked quietly as he slowly looked back up at the other. All of his happiness was gone. All that left was a shell and a broken man inside. "Please don't go..." The blond whispered out as his grip on Jared's shirt tightened. "I don't want to be alone... Please..." He breathed out as he buried his head back into the taller man's shirt.

[Gatichan]

When Dave crumbled against his chest, Jared lowered his head to kiss and caress his lover’s head. “It’s okay to cry sometimes,” he murmured quietly as he simply held Dave, glad that his lover was allowing the body contact again. Dave took a really long time to calm himself down and Jared simply embraced him, letting him know that he was there and that he would wait, that he could take Dave’s sadness and that, even though it scared him, he wasn’t running away, but would be here in any way he could.

 

Again, however, Dave pulled away to look at him. His eyes were still endlessly sad and Jared cupped his cheek, smiling faintly. “Dave, what are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here for you, baby. Nothing could keep me away from you now that we’ve been so close. And I want to repeat it, even though I guess, right now, it’s difficult for you to believe: I love you. And I’m not going to hurt you like those assholes you knew before. I’m not like that, Dave. I’m interested in a proper relationship with you and I’ll prove it o you. But for that, you’re going to have to learn to trust me as well.”

 

Standing up, Jared pulled Dave onto his feet as well. Kissing his lips tenderly, Jared licked up the remainder of his lover’s tears. “Come now. We haven’t had breakfast yet and the coffee’s cold. Let’s go down into the kitchen and I’ll prepare something new for you. Poor Trevor’s probably wondering where the hell we are. He probably needs some help with his morning toilet, doesn’t he?” Jared smiled, hooking an arm around Dave’s waist as he picked up the hardly touched tray in his other hand. Kissing Dave’s blind hair, he began to walk towards the stairs.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave let out a small wince when Jared cupped his cheek - even if the touch was gentle, that was the cheek where the drummer slapped him... It was probably red, though it couldn't be seen because of the fact that when the blond would cry, his face would usually become red. Nothing cute or anything like that about it... Still, the singer let out a small smile at the other's words. 'Learn to trust him'? That would take a long time... He didn't want to get hurt again, and who knew - maybe Jared would get annoyed with him and hit him again? Maybe he'd yell again, making Dave scared of the voice he loved so much?

 

When the blond was pulled to his feet, he couldn't help but hold on tightly onto the drummer - could he still call him his boyfriend? While forcing out a small smile at the taller man's words, the singer nodded slightly and tightly gripped onto Jared's shirt - he was still having a bit of trouble with walking by himself. "Jared..." He started softly and bit his lip as his grip tightened further. "What do you see us as?" He asked quietly, looking at the ground as he already started regretting asking this. What if this question was going to make everything fall apart? What if this simple question would be all Jared needed to snap?

 

Dave's lower lip trembled as he tried to hold in his tears and for now - succeeded. It was usually hard for the teen to stop himself from crying if he'd cried already before - it happened even when he was a little child. One time he simply dropped an ice cream cone to the ground and cried about it, then if anyone mentioned anything about it on that day, he'd be close to tears once more. He really was an annoying kid... And now he didn't change that much.

[Gatichan]

As they walked down the stairs, Jared’s fingertips brushed against the cheek where he had slapped Dave. With a jolt, he realized what he’d actually down and stopped on the middle of the stairs. “Oh my gosh- Dave, did I hurt you badly?” he gulped, horror becoming visible in his eyes. “I’m so sorry I hit you- I just didn’t know what to do when I saw you cutting yourself. I didn’t recognize you at all and I just wanted to make you stop. You weren’t yourself back there and I didn’t think- I just reacted.” He ducked his head so that Dave was forced to look into his dark eyes. “You DO know that I’d never hit you like that for nothing, right? I’m not a violent person- I was just completely out of my depths back there inside the bathroom. It’ll never happen again, you can hold me to that,” he swore, leaning in to sweetly and lightly kiss the offended cheek.

 

Hearing the lead singer’s quiet question, Jared chuckled. Turning Dave again so that the two of them could continue down the stairs, he waved at Trevor when the puppy peeked his nose around the door of the kitchen and whimpered indignantly for having been ignored for so long. “We’re coming Trevor. Sorry for the wait. What I see us as?” he returned his attention to Dave before they reached the kitchen. “I see you as my boyfriend. At least,” he hastened to add when he saw Dave’s expression, “I’d really like you to become my boyfriend. I didn’t officially ask you, I know, but…but you’re the first person I’ve ever slept with and you’re also the only person I want to be intimate with, so…Dave…would you like to be my steady boyfriend?” he whispered, his voice trembling slightly as he held his breath. “I’m not a guy interested in one night stands. Cheap sex is meaningless to me- I want something more. I’m very serious about us- are you?”

 

Trevor slowly plodded over to them, whining louder and louder because he wanted some attention too. Leaning to the side to be able to place the breakfast tray down on the counter, Jared continued to face Dave nervously. Crouching, he picked Trevor up and quietly hushing the whimpering pup, tried to calm his racing heart as he waited for Dave’s reply.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jared's words hurt Dave more than they were supposed to. "You weren't yourself back there." What the hell did he mean by that? Dave was Dave no matter what he did - was it really that hard to understand?.. The singer looked away as he bit his lower lip, avoiding the deep green eyes for now. Jut because Jared didn't know that side of him didn't mean it wasn't Dave... Besides, just hearing Jared say that 'he wasn't a violent person' wasn't really enough for the blond to believe in that. He knew Jared far too little to know for sure...

 

Jared's next words seemed to pierce through his heart as well - boyfriends? So, it was still possible?... The singer could feel a small, shy smile appearing on his face as he put his hands on the taller man's shoulders, then stood up on his tip-toes and placed a light, gentle and a bit uncertain kiss on Jared's lips. "I... I want to try." He said quietly, his voice a bit hoarse from the previous crying. The blond took in a deep breath as he slid his hands down and smiled sadly at Trevor before gently taking him into his arms from the drummer, holding it like a baby.

 

"So... Will you... Will you still call the manager?..." Dave asked softly as he looked at the taller male with slightly scared eyes. He definitely didn't want more people knowing about all this... Not even a psychologist would help at this point. Dave didn't want to share this with anyone else - he wasn't even sure he wanted to say anything more to Jared, not until he felt like he could really, truly trust him.

[Gatichan]

When Dave kissed him, giving Jared the answer to the most important question right then, a dazzling smile lit up Jared’s face, Letting out a whoop of delight that had Trevor barking madly, Jared swept both the puppy and Dave up into his arms happily. “Oh baby, you’re making me so happy right now, you can’t imagine!” he grinned, kissing Dave’s lips again proudly as he turned him around dizzyingly, but then gently set him down on a tall stool near the window by the sink. “Just sit tight, baby- I’ll make you a new breakfast so that we can start our day properly,” he winked, turning around and beginning to hum.

 

The musical tune that was coming out between his lips was the piece that he and Dave had been working on together the past evening. But when Dave popped the next question, Jared pursed his lips as he went about – he know knew his way around Dave’s kitchen better – collecting oil, a frying pan and more eggs. It was a really good question and he had to think it through carefully before he answered, because he didn’t want to risk Dave getting angry again, but Jared wanted and needed to do the right thing.

 

“I won’t call our manager,” he eventually answered, keeping his back to Dave as he went about preparing the next omelet and then adding some bacon into the frying pan he had used before and laid out to dry. Glancing over his shoulder, Jared’s green eyes were serious. “But I want someone to have a look at those cuts. My cousin Mary lives a couple of blocks away from me. If you’ll let me, I’d like to call her so that she can come over. We could spend the rest of the day at my place – we’d take Trevor with us – and Mary could check in on us. She’s a medicine student and I trust her blind. She knows that I’m a homosexual and she won’t ask any bad questions. I just want to be sure that your cuts won’t get infected. Please Dave, I’m worried about you- please say yes.”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave yelped as ground was suddenly not under his feet and he was in air - then in strong arms. The singer held Trevor close who had its ears flattened to its head - most certainly, the dog didn't like surprises like this. A sigh of relief left the singer's lips when he was seated on the stool where he held Trevor close to himself, gently patting its head to calm him down. "Shh, Trevy, it's okay~" He said with a soft smile when the dog turned to lick his face, leaving the lean male chuckling - even if it was a bit forced, it was real.

 

For some time, the blond focused on the other's humming... But after the question, it just died down. The blond bit his lip when he heard what his boyfriend said. "Okay..." He muttered out, but what was the point? Did Jared really think it would all end up once he said it wasn't right? When the blond started it as a teen,it continued for around a year - and nothing helped him stop. Not his parents, not his friends, not even a psychologist. He just couldn't stop. He just... Let it pass, slowly. When he felt the need - he'd cut himself and slowly, the need disappeared. But only because of him...

 

"Jared... You said something about not wanting my skin to be with scars, right?" He asked quietly as he looked up at the other and then quickly glanced down at his bandaged arm. "You're a few years too late.." The siger said softly as he continued to pat Trevor's head - it calmed him down, at the least.

[Gatichan]

Even though he had happily held Dave up in the air, Jared hadn’t missed the fact that Dave hadn’t seemed to have liked it. He sighed inwardly- he never would have dreamed that Dave would be such a handful. He didn’t want to think of Dave as seriously disturbed, but Jared knew a little bit about teenagers who cut themselves from Mary. His cousin, who was also a very close friend of his, had spent a year helping out on a psychiatric station. And from her, Jared had learned about the Borderline illness, about how those patients used to cut themselves because they hadn’t been able to feel themselves or hadn’t stood having too much internal stress, and about them having difficulty in relationships, where they at times idealized and then hated their partners…

 

Jared shook his head hard as he flipped the bacon onto the plate he had set beside the stove. He didn’t want to think of Dave that way, but he was and when his boyfriend began to speak next, Jared’s hands tightened on the handles of the frying pans he was handling. If he was right and Dave had begun cutting himself several years before, then it could become pathological. The previous night, he hadn’t paid as much attention to Dave’s body as he maybe ought to have. Had there been more scars? Where?

 

Switching the stove off as he turned to present Dave with the bacon and omelet, Jared crossed the kitchen to fetch more orange juice and coffee. Sitting down beside his boyfriend, he arched an eyebrow. “When did you start with this, Dave? I mean, when did you start cutting yourself? I’m not stupid, you know. It’s pretty obvious that by having my cousin look at your arm, I know I’m not curing you. But you have to know that I’m taking this very seriously and if I’m the one that’s destabilizing you, then maybe it would be best if we didn’t get close again. The last thing I want is to find you covered in blood one day because you feel unhappy again.” He took Dave’s hand. “I’m worried about you, okay? Understand that,” he sighed, picking up his fork, but he didn’t feel hungry anymore. “So…who helped you stop back then?”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave let out a soft smile when the bacon and omelette were placed right in front of him. While still holding Trevor on his lap, the singer reached out and began eating as he listened to the questions his boyfriend had to ask him. A soft sigh left the blond man's lips and he looked at his arm that was being held in a bigger, stronger one... And decided that maybe, just maybe, it would be best if he answered. If he didn't try, he'd never know if he could trust Jared or not. Even though he was scared - so scared - he wouldn't back away anymore.

 

"I started when I was in ninth grade... I realized that I was bisexual then, some more things added up and... I guess this happened..." He said quietly before putting in a piece of the bacon into his mouth. Hearing his boyfriend's suggestion made Dave shake his head frantically as he stared at the taller male with wide eyes. "Please don't leave me... I-It's not... Entirelly you..." After saying this, the blond bit his lip. It was stupid of him to say that, wasn't it? "I mean... I'm... I'm scared, to be honest. I'm scared that you'll hurt me, I'm scared that you'll leave me, I'm scared that you'll yell at me again..." The teen said quietly as he poked his food.

 

The next question pushed the life out of his blue eyes. "A lot of people tried to help... All of them failed. It's useless to try and stop by force... I just let it pass slowly." The singer said quietly and continued eating, his eyes barely showing any signs of emotion by now. The lean male sighed softly as he bit his lower lip. He said too much... He definitely said too much...

[Gatichan]

Jared found it difficult not to push Dave to answer his questions faster. But he knew that by being brass or impatient, he’d probably only accomplish the exact opposite of what he wanted: he needed Dave to open up to him and earnestly tell him more about this darker side of him that Jared simply hadn’t expected. Maybe there had already been hints, but he either hadn’t been able or hadn’t wanted to see them. When he saw Dave open his mouth, Jared unconsciously tightened his hold on his fork and held his breath.

 

Jared sighed, putting his fork down when he heard his boyfriend tell him that he was afraid of him screaming at him again. “Dave, I can’t promise you that I won’t lose my temper again,” he said unemotionally. “In a normal relationship, partners love each other and fight with each other. But what you’re asking of me is smooth sailing- no one can guarantee that. In a functioning relationship, both partners grow closer the better they know each other.” If it sounded like Borderline, it probably was Borderline. Was Jared’s love for Dave greater than the doubts that he would be able to overcome Dave’s issues?

 

Jared shook his head. “I’m sorry, but if I’m not entirely the problem, but part of the problem, then I’m still a destabilizing factor. Today you might think I’ll be enough for you, but tomorrow you could condemn me and hate me to hell, blaming me for making you feel bad.” He closed his eyes. “Dave, you might need help. Maybe you haven’t had the right kind of help yet, but it’s not okay to cut yourself.” His eyes opened, pained. “Dave, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Please, you need to talk to someone about this. I…don’t know if I can really help you to protect yourself,” he admitted, lowering his eyes. “Especially…especially if I’m the one who can cause such dissociative states.”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave began shaking his head again when the other began talking. “I'm not asking for anything perfect... I-I'll know that this might happen now... I think I understand why you yelled - I'm just... I'm just scared that the yelling will develop into you hurting me... More often.“ The teen confessed quietly as he hugged his puppy close. “I'm really not good with dealing with bad emotions... I hate seeing people angry - mostly because I just don't know what to do!“ Dave exclaimed as he looked at his boyfriend with begging, sad eyes. “I just want to know that you won't... Won't hurt me bad enough for me to want to-...“ He bit his lip and decided not to voice his thoughts. He was going to finish it with the word “die“, but it would've made everything worse.

 

His blue eyes widened as he continued to listen to his boyfriend and let out a soft whimper. “You talk like you're sure this will happen... How can you know that?“ Dave asked quietly as he slowly turned his eyes down. “I don't want you to leave me - I won't want you to leave me until you want that yourself... Jared, why do you think that way?..“ The blond questioned softly as he nibbled on his lower lip. “Do you think I don't realize cutting is bad? Do you think I do it to pass time or something?“ His voice became just slightly cold - he wanted to protect himself like this.

 

“I do it because that's the best way I found to forget... Maybe you have a better way, show it to me, teach it to me... I'll learn, but only if I actually know what and how...“ The male said quietly as he glanced up at the taller male while still trying to fight back the tears. “Just don't look at me like I'm some kind of a sick person...“ Or maybe he was just like that? “Help me get through this...“ He whispered out as a few tears rolled down his cheeks, but the singer quickly wiped them off. All he wanted was to have someone that wouldn't hurt him - was it really that much to ask?

[Gatichan]

Jared closed his eyes. “You’re not going to commit suicide? Dave, that’s pretty intense what you’re saying there,” he sighed out, but opening his eyes again, leaned his head against his hand. “You’re right, no one can foretell the future, but I still don’t understand your fear about my hurting you. That, to me, is illogical. I wouldn’t hurt you on purpose and I already told you why I slapped you back there. Have you been in a relationship before where violence was commonplace?” he asked, looking astounded and horrified at the same time.

 

“I’m speaking like this because what you’re telling me sounds a lot like what my cousin told me some of the patients she had to look after had,” Jared admitted, deciding to lay his cards on the table in front of him when Dave’s tone of voice became chilly. He took in a deep breath before continuing. “And Dave, I love you, but I won’t let you manipulate me. If you tell me that you’ll threaten to kill yourself, then I’m going to take that seriously. Those patients that my cousin told me about were letting themselves get helped, but they had it really bad. You’re nowhere like that as far as I can see, but maybe there are other methods to help you cope with your negative emotions.

 

How can I know what’ll help? That’s why I want us to talk to Mary. Dave, baby, I…” Jared shook his head. “I can only repeat myself. I’m going to be here for you as best I can, Dave. I hope, and I’ll pray, that I can be a better partner for you than the men you’ve had before. So please, tell me…have there been people before who hit you?” he asked, clenching his hands to fists. Just the thought of someone raising a hand to strike Dave and enjoy it made him seethe with anger.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave looked away, nibbling on his lower lip when he heard the first question. Had he been in a relationship where someone hurt him? In fact - he had been. His parents were no better either... Having a bisexual son was probably the worst thing they thought could happen to them. Dave let out a deep breath and sniffled softly when Jared told him this sounded like a sickness - so he was sick... Someone who wasn't normal anymore - was he? Maybe Jared would start thinking of him like that? Maybe exactly this would ruin all chances of a good relationship?..

 

“I'm not going to threaten you about killing myself.“ The blond said coldly, but it was only to push his sadness into the furthest corner of his mind. The longer he talked with Jared, the bigger need he got to cut himself again. “I don't want to manipulate you - and I won't. I won't stop you if you want to leave me...“ His shaky voice said otherwise, though he was still trying to fight the sadness off. “I won't stop you...“ If you don't stop me. This was left unsaid, and it was best to leave it that way. He could never tell Jared that he'd only let him do whatever he wanted if he let the blond cut himself.

 

“I've been with people that hit me.“ He said almost monotonously as he lightly gripped at his shirt. “Mom... Dad... And one of my boyfriends...“ The word slut repeated in his head. “It started off really rarely, but... Guess it was the best way for them to get rid of their anger.“ Dave said with a weak smile as he patted Trevor again. “And... It all started with shouting - it just developed into that...“ The singer talked quietly, now trying to avoid his boyfriend's eyes. The first step was already taken for Jared - so was the second one. He'd already yelled and hit Dave... How in the world was he supposed to know it won't end up like those times before?