Our Secret Song (Bellala99 & Gatichan)

[Gatichan]

It was clear that talking about his blocked past wasn’t easy for Dave. And that told Jared that what he was about to hear would be deep stuff- too deep, in fact, to learn about already on the first real day that he and Dave had decided to become a love couple. But if he was going to prove to Dave that he was serious about them and that he loved the lead singer, then it was best he found out relatively soon what he needed to know. The mechanisms that caused Dave to fall back on the self-inflicted injuries.

 

The longer he listened, the heavier Jared’s heart grew. It was clear now that his behavior upon finding Dave cutting himself hadn’t exactly helped- on the contrary, he’d only strengthened the pattern inside Dave’s head by shouting and slapping him. Although Jared’s reaction had been a once in a lifetime thing, he realized that it would be pointless trying to make Dave believe that. What Dave needed was proof- proof that would need a lot of similar situations occurring in future and with Jared reacting in a non-violent way. This task seemed daunting and doubt began to cloud Jared’s heart. Was he really ready for such a relationship? But when he saw the sad, self-depreciating expression in Dave’s pretty blue eyes, Jared’s resolve returned a hundredfold. He was going to try to be the man that Dave had been looking for, the one who broke the cycle and who showed him another love. And he was going to do it well and even if it was going to be difficult, he was more than willing to try.

 

Slipping his fingers gently between Dave’s, Jared led them to his lips to lick over them lovingly. His eyes were empathetic. “I’m sorry to hear that up to now you’ve had such terrible experiences with those who ought to have been close to you. I don’t think anything I say will convince you right now that I won’t turn into a ghost from your past, but I want you to consider this,” he said seriously as Trevor yawned. “Have any of your previous relationships made you breakfast twice in a row and sat down to seriously talk to you the way I have? You opened up to me about your past and I’m willing to bet that’s something you haven’t often done before. And I’m going to prove to you that I mean what I’ve been trying to tell you.” He stood up then. “I love you, Dave. I want us to be together and for that, I want us to drive home now so that Mary can check your arm. And because I want you to meet someone from my family who’s dear to me.” He blushed. “You’re the first person I’m taking home like this and also the first I’ve ever introduced to Mary. This sure is a premiere.”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave let out a shaky sigh and turned his eyes to his hands which was gently embraced by Jared's. The soft feeling actually managed to get a smile - even if it was a small, soft one with bits of sadness left - on the singer's face. He let his fingers lightly squeeze the other's, for now trying to feel the strength and warmth... He still felt unsafe. Who would be, when everyone he ever trusted failed him? Even Jared still was somewhere closer to the people whe wouldn't trust... The worst thing that could happen was Jared being nice at first and then, when some time passed, he'd be just like all the others. Dave was scared of being hurt again... He knew he was weak, but he really couldn't help it.

 

The singer's breathing hitched when he listened to his boyfriend. “How can I know you won't change?..“ He asked quietly, but continued to hold onto the firm hand. When the drummer stood up, Dave followed while tightly gripping the hand. Hearing the words ‘‘I love you“ made his heart warm up a bit... He'd heard this words so many times and they were fake. The worst ones were from his parents... They kept on telling him how much they “loved“ him with each hit he received. It was terrible. This was one of the many reasons the blond decided to repeat the words for Jared. Maybe later, when he'd trust the drummer, he'd say those words again.

 

Still, Dave nodded at the other words. “Okay... Thanks.“ He said quietly as he managed to squeeze out a smile. His grip wasn't anywhere close from loosening. “Jared... Will you come here when I... Have the need?...“ He asked quietly. “And not for shouting, I mean.“ These words left his mouth in a rather cold tone - again, to protect himself. This was the only way he thought he could do that. The blond looked away as he put his other hand on Jared's as well. “Please...“ He whispered out after some time, all the uncertainty and sadness showing themselves now.

[Gatichan]

Jared rubbed his thumbs in circular motions over Dave’s hands when he heard the worried question. “Of course I’ll come immediately if you ever feel like hurting yourself again, baby,” he said quietly, leaning his forehead against Dave’s. “All you have to do is call me and I’ll come running. And I won’t shout anymore in such situations because I now know what that means to you and that it scares you. Don’t worry, baby,” he reassured, pecking Dave’s lips sweetly. “Together we’ll figure it out. I know I won’t change because that just now was the single violent act I’ve ever done in my life. Seeing you holding that blade against your arm, I thought you were trying to kill yourself and so I lost it. But now that you’ve told me more about you, I’m going to see if I can read up more about the things my cousin told me about so that I’ll know how to react better. If you’d like, we can read those things together- I want us to be perfectly honest about what this, okay?”

 

Scratching a sleepy Trevor behind his ears, Jared jerked a thumb over his left shoulder. “Listen, would you be okay if I quickly drove home to fetch my dad’s car? I’d like us to carry Trevor with us, but on a bike, that could be dangerous. Or, if you prefer, the two of us could ride over on my Kawasaki first, grab the car and then come back to fetch Trevor. You decide- in the meantime, I’ll wash the breakfast things and then you can tell me what you feel like doing,” he smiled, kissing Dave again tenderly before turning back to the sink, where he began to let in some hot water to wash everything they’d used. Without realizing it, he began to hum the song again that he and Dave had finished perfecting the day before.

 

Washing felt good, it felt right. Like he was putting his life back into order again after the chaos it had tumbled into that morning. And even though Jared guessed that it would be illusionary to believe that one little conversation would solve all Dave’s problems, he felt strengthened. He had a plan and he would try his hardest to convince Dave that he meant what he’d said. Now Dave needed to take the next step and Jared was confident that he’d help his boyfriend get there. His thoughts, although not entirely happy, were constructive and without realizing it, Jared began to nod his head as he mixed in how he would have written the percussion to their song of the afternoon before.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave barely held in the whimper and his tears which were threatening to spill any moment. Hearing Jared talk like this was hurting him even more... He didn't even deserve someone who tried so hard to make him believe it was going to be right - the blond felt like trash when he closed his eyes to hold in the tears that were so close to spilling out now... He didn't want to cry, at least not now. The singer could feel his lower lip trembling as he breathed out shakily and opened his eyes once he felt like he could at least try and hold on his tears for now. Maybe just for some time, maybe not for the whole day - but at least for now he'd try to.

 

"I want to go with you..." Dave muttered out quietly as he held Trevor in one hand. "I don't want to be alone..." The blond said quietly as his hands slipped out of Jared's and he could only hug his dog with both of them now - like it was a stuffed toy. The singer knew that if he was left alone in this big, empty house alone, he wouldn't be able to stop himself. Not now, not when everything was so overwhelming - all his emotions seemed to be doubled in power - though sadness was covering him whole. The lean male let out a shaky breath as he looked at Trevor and let out a weak smile and chuckle when its wet tongue licked over his nose.

 

The blond sat back down on the chair and turned his sad gaze to Jared. He listened quietly as the other hummed - he himself didn't feel like doing anything of the sort right now. If the drummer wouldn't be here, he'd probably curl up into a ball on his bed, hug Trevor close and sleep- or cry. Not once or twice had he cried himself to sleep that way - with Trevor curled up to him, its soft fur tickling his nose as the singer just.. Cried. There were nights when he wished he had been "normal", as his parents used to say. The blond's parents were so sure that anyone who wasn't straight or religious was a freak - so was their own son. Did that stop them from anything? Of course it didn't.

[Gatichan]

Jared stopped humming when he heard Dave quietly say that he wanted to drive home with him. The drummer turned around to smile at his boyfriend. “Give me one more minute and then we can leave. Why don’t you go fetch a warm jacket?” he suggested, leaning sideways to kiss Dave’s fluttering eyelids. “If you want to cry, then you can, baby. I won’t condemn you. Let it out, baby. I’m right here if you need me to hold you, I want to help you. But don’t force yourself to hold back if it’s hurting you. If you’re sad, then show it. I’ll understand,” he promised, pulling out the plug and letting the foamy water run out.

 

Taking Trevor from Dave, Jared walked towards the puppy’s basket and crouching in front of it, laid the puppy inside. “We’ll be back soon, Trev,” he promised the pup, rubbing its back and chuckling hen Trevor lazily licked his fingers as he tried to find a comfortable position on his warm blankets. Standing up again, Jared ran a hand through his hair. He needed to put on his protective biker clothes and then he had to find the helmet that Dave had used the day before. Calling out to his boyfriend what he was doing, Jared began to hunt around the bottom floor in search of the helmet.

 

Finding the two helmets, he hooked them around his arms and then returned to the kitchen. Finding the note sheets that he and Dave had written the day before while they’d been composing Dave’s song anew, Jared picked it up. Taking a pen from the small box which Dave kept near the window sill, Jared hastily began jotting down the percussion notes that he had begun to compose while he’d been washing his and Dave’s dirty plates. He began humming again and nodded- yes, this sounded just right. Turning around when he sensed Dave coming closer, Jared smiled as he held up the sheets. “Our song’s coming along wonderfully. I’d love to play this with you at my house where I have my drum kit. Here you go,” he said, handing Dave the second helmet. Taking his boyfriend’s hand, Jared squeezed it. “Ready?” he asked, carefully studying Dave’s eyes for any signs of discomfort.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave managed a soft smile as he nodded slightly. "No, I'm okay... I-I won't cry." His shaky voice seemed to be saying otherwise. The blond took in a deep breath as he stood back up and hugged Trevor a bit closer before letting it go, so that Jared could carry it to its place. His blue eyes were still filled with tears as he uncertainly took one step back. "I'll... I'll go get a jacket.". He finally muttered out and left the kitchen, breathing out softly as he walked into his room and quickly pulled on a warm sweater which might've been just a little bit too loose... But he needed that to hide some things.

 

Before going downstairs, the singer had to take some things. He took a roll of bandages and a razor blade - if the need got to him, it was better for him to just cut himself instead of ignoring it. The singer learned that some time ago, whem he tried to just stop the need. It ended up with him leaving school and, once he came back, he couldn't stop at all. He'd cut his wrists, his thighs - even thought about cutting through his neck to just end all this. However if he just went with the flow and cut himself when he needed, he would be able to stop after a bit. Only now, when he'd just started, he was making more cuts.

 

With a soft smile on his face and the things hidden in his pants pockets under the sweater, the blond got back to his boyfriend and, before anything else, gently wrapped his hands around the other's waist for a hug. "I can't wait to sing it with you..." He muttered out softly into the other's chest as he smiled and took in Jared's smell. "Look... I'm sorry you have to do this..." The blond said quietly as he pulled back and took the helmet from his boyfriend's hands, putting it on his messy hair. "But... Thanks for that."

[Gatichan]

Jared sensed that something wasn’t right, but for the moment, didn’t push it just then. It pained him that he felt that his boyfriend was lying to him, but he swallowed it down. If Dave didn’t want to work on his problems, then in the long run he’d push Jared away. He’d heard enough from Mary to know that if Dave really did have a Borderline personality disorder, it would be no walk in the park, but a constant tug of war until Dave finally found the strength and will to go against the impulse to cut himself and finally find proper help for himself. Hopefully one day Dave would actually learn to love Jared as much as Jared already knew he already loved Dave.

 

Stepping away from Dave’s fake embrace with a strange smile, Jared pulled his helmet over his head and headed towards the front door. Swinging his long right leg over the bike, he sat down and slipping his key into the bike, patted the seat behind him. “Sit down and hold on tight, baby,” he called over to Dave. Turning back to the front, he waited until his boyfriend’s arms had encircled his waist and his body was up close. “Here goes!” With that, Jared pushed away from the curb and leaning forward, gathered speed. Recalling that Dave had mentioned that he’d enjoyed the ride on Jared’s Kawasaki the day before, Jared slowed down, wanting to make the ride last longer. Driving around on his bike was freedom for him and behind his visor, Jared smiled.

 

Pulling up outside his father’s expensive apartment building, Jared, gestured for Dave to get off. Pushing his visor up, he winked at his boyfriend. “Let me just place my bike inside the garage- be right back,” he promised, quickly driving down into the subterranean garage. He was embarrassed and didn’t want his boyfriend to see the ridiculously expensive cars that his father collected and put on show inside the garage. Placing his Kawasaki, his pride and joy, back inside the stall he had prepared, Jared jogged back up the ramp to find Dave staring up at the façade of his apartment. Taking his boyfriend’s hand, he groaned inwardly, realizing that he’d have to take Dave down into the basement because they needed to return to his boyfriend’s house. “Come,” he said with an uneasy laugh. “Please don’t think me the son of a rich fool…but tell me which car you’d like to us to drive in,” he suggested, leading Dave down into the spacious garage.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave didn't seem to notice the strange smile on Jared's face - he'd been too focused on making sure that everything he had in his pockets stayed there and others couldn't sense them or see them. Smiling softly at his boyfriend - the smile was real and honest, though it still held some sadness - Dave got onto the bike, tightly wrapped his hands around the muscular waist and pressed his body close as they started moving. It only took the blond a few moments until he was once again laughing out loud from the adrenaline that was rushing through his veins as he held onto Jared tightly - his laugh only faltered once, when he accidentaly pressed his injured arm too harshly against the taller male's body.

 

When the two of them reached the house, Dave got off on wobbly legs with soft chuckles still escaping his mouth as he took off his helmet and passed it to the dark-haired male before he could walk off. Only then did he see how the place looked. His jaw dropped slightly and he rubbed his eyes to make sure this wasn't a dream. Man, the house looked so expencive... And Jared lived here?!? The singer couldn't help but feel a bit of jealousy as he sighed and hugged his body, somewhat embarrassed about his loose sweater now. He looked out of place... Then the image of Jared in an expencive costume flashed in his mind and the blond could feel his cheeks heating up. That would look amazing, he was sure of it!

 

When his boyfriend finally came back, Dave let out a half-smile and looked at him. "This place looks amazing.." He muttered out and gripped onto the hand that Jared held. When he heard what the dark-haired male had to say, his blue eyes widened slightly and he could only follow quietly. His jaw dropped once more when he saw all the cars in the garage where his eyes widened even more- if that was possible. The singer blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes as he stared at the cars and breathed out shakily before pointing at a black mustang. "This one." He muttered out quietly as his eyes trailed over the shiny surface and he couldn't stop the smile on his face.

[Gatichan]

Jared laugh with embarrassment, scratching the back of his neck. “I know it seems amazing, but trust me, it all belongs to my dad. He’s a real estate mogul- he buys, sells and constructs houses all up and down the coast. This was the first condo he ever designed and we only have so many cars because he’s a collector.” Jared frowned. “And because he doesn’t know how much money each of the cars are actually worth- he’s blessed with an account without a floor, so all he pretty much has to do is snip with his fingers and he gets the things he wants. That’s the way my dad is,” he sighed as he walked Dave admiring the expensive pensive extensions. “With estates, cars and women.”

 

Pleasantly surprised with his boyfriend’s choice, Jared squeezed Dave’s hand. “Nice choice. The keys are inside the glove compartment- none of these petrol guzzlers are locked because dad figures no one in his right mind would try to break into our place,” he explained, opening the passenger’s side door for Dave and waiting for his boyfriend to get in, closed the door before jogging back towards the driver’s side. Accepting the keys with a smile, Jared made the engine roar and then he carefully eased the car out the garage and out onto the street. “If you like, you could drive on the way back,” he offered, changing gears and then reaching over, placed his hand lightly on Dave’s knee.

 

The day was looking to be a sunny one and an easy smile began to spread across his face. It felt good to be driving around with Dave beside him, just the two of them. And even if the two of them were recognized by fans or the press, it wouldn’t matter because the two of them weren’t doing anything suspicious, simply spending time out from jamming together. A cell phone began to ring just then and Jared glanced over. “Oh?” he asked, wondering who was calling Dave right then as he pulled up at his boyfriend’s house.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave chuckled softly at his boyfriend's words and slipped into the car he chose. "Is it really? I always thought I was the worst at picking out cars..." The blond said with a small smile as he passed Jared the keys and breathed out softly. The singer let out a small hum as he put on the seatbelt and blinked. "Mm... This place is huge, right? Do you have guards or something?" Dave asked out of curiosity as he looked at his boyfriend with a warm, honest smile. The hand that was on his lap, however, made him feel a bit nervous. It was so close to his razor blade and bandages.. Even so, the young singer gently placed his own smaller hand on the dark-haired man's and breathed out softly. That felt nice...

 

Dave smiled at the sun and chuckled softly as he looked around. Everything looked so light and nice! Maybe he'd actually be able to get over his cutting quicker this time, now that Jared was with him? The blond sure hoped so... Seeing his boyfriend that agry and both upset wasn't nice at all. Dave sighed softly and blinked a few times when his phone began ringing. With an apologetic smile on his face, the singer took out his phone and slid out of the car. "I'll get Trevor and come back soon~" He said softly as he closed the door and answered the phone while walking towards the house already.

 

As he unlocked the doors and stepped inside, the young male sighed and walked straight to the kitchen to get Trevor. Unconsciously, the blond scratched his bandages and the cuts underneath them, immediately regretting that decision. Whoever was calling must've heard the soft wince of pain that came from the lead singer - the first cuts were always the most painful, for some reason.

[Gatichan]

Jared’s smile widened when Dave slipped his cool hand into his. “We have the newest and most expensive security alarm system on the market at the moment,” he admitted with a roll of his eyes. “See, I think I mentioned that my dad’s hardly ever around because he’s always jetting back and forth through the world’s history. He never was much of an emotionally helpful father, but at least he worries about my safety. He was anything but happy when I joined Requiem and suddenly paparazzi started following me around, so he made sure that at home at least I was secure. There’s also a live-in guard, but he’s only there during the night to make sure that no one tries anything stupid.”

 

“I’ll come with you,” Jared helpfully called once he’d parked the car. He didn’t want Dave carrying anything heavy and possibly hurting his injured arm further. Whistling when he stepped into the house, he laughed lightly when he heard Trevor’s excited barking. Up ahead, he thought he saw his boyfriend hunch up slightly, almost as if he’d hurt himself, but before he could ask anything someone began to squawk on the phone and Jared hastily shut his mouth: Dave probably wouldn’t have wanted anyone to know that the two of them were together.

 

Walking around so that Dave could see him, Jared signaled towards Trevor’s basket, indicating that he’d tend to the puppy. “Hey boy, how’s it going?” he asked sweetly as he bent over to kiss Trevor’s nose and receive a delighted kiss. Chuckling, Jared easily lifted the large basket up into his arms and pausing only to remove some dog food from the parlor, began to whistle softly as he exited the kitchen, leaving Dave to telephone by himself. Stepping back outside, Jared busied himself with securing Trevor’s basket to the backseat of his car. Picking the puppy out and cradling it in his arm because he was sure his boyfriend would want to ride holding it, Jared leaned back against his car, waiting for Dave to come back out.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave mumbled softly under his breath as he closed his blue eyes and let out a slightly annoyed groan. "Hey, Dave~ Guess what, guess what!" A girlish voice called out to the singer who only rubbed his forehead and let out a weak smile. "Hey Joanna... What is it?" He asked quietly as he looked at Jared and smiled softly when he took Trevor. Mouthing to him that he won't take long, the singer turned around and bit his lip as he prepared to listen. Whatever it was - he was almost sure he didn't want to hear it. Joanna's news were usually, well, terrible.

 

"You will not believe who I saw today! Remember Mark? The guy you used to date! He was totally having sex with a girl in a bus stop! Can you believe how slutty his girlfriend must be?" Dave could feel his heart sink as he took in a deep breath and forced out a chuckle. "Yeah.. Look, I don't really have time." The blond said quietly, tears welling up in his eyes and making his voice slightly dull, even though he coughed a bit to make it pass away. "Aww, sure, let's meet up sometime?" The girl offered cheerfully as Dave grunted in response and quickly ended the call. Why did she think it was a good idea to tell him that?..

 

His blue eyes trailed off to his hand and he swallowed nervously. Just a few... Just a little bit... The need was far too strong. Once Dave was done, he took in a shaky breath and put on new bandages, then got back to his boyfriend, gently wrapping his arms around his waist. "Can you hold me a bit?.." He asked softly as he nuzzled his head into the other's chest. "I hate my friends sometime..." The blond muttered out as he sighed. The sleeves of his sweater were rolled up - an idiotic mistake of him. Jared could see the newly changed bandages...

[Gatichan]

When Dave stepped out his house again, Jared immediately saw that something was wrong. And just before Dave closed the door and turned around, Jared believed he’d seen a tell-tale flash of red spreading out from his boyfriend’s bandaged arm. Freezing up, Jared’s mind went blank. Dave hadn’t…had he? He hadn’t actually, after Jared had spent most of the morning talking to him, telling him that he was worried, that he would be there, that Dave should come to him when he felt like hurting himself…Dave wouldn’t have been as ungrateful to actually go and hurt himself again when Jared had turned his back on him…had he?

 

Mechanically placing Trevor, who was wagging his tail cheerfully, Jared remained stiff as a poker when Dave came up to him and wrapped his arms around him. Slowly reaching behind his back, Jared took a gentle yet firm hold of his boyfriend’s hurt arm and moving it around to the front, held it up between them. Looking at it closely, Jared saw his suspicions confirmed: the bandages were new, there wasn’t a layer of protective pads beneath them and the blood was fresh. Silently, he looked at Dave.

 

Jared’s gaze wasn’t accusatory, but it was filled with disappointment. “Dave, didn’t we just talk about this less than an hour ago? I asked you to tell me before you felt the need to hurt yourself to tell me about it. Why did you go and do this? Didn’t you believe that I’d try to help you as best I could?” he sighed, the doubts about how he and Dave were supposed to work out resurfacing tenfold again. Shaking his head, he avoided his boyfriend’s eyes. “Who was that on the phone back there?” he asked. “What did they say that made you do this?”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave's expression saddened and became filled with guilt when the other took his arm. He couldn't stand looking at those green eyes filled with disappointment... The blond looked away, tears threatening to spill, yet somehow he managed to calm himself down at least enough for him not to start crying. Tears would just make the situation far worse... Jared might even think about getting him to some psychologist. Or tell his parents - or even worse, his band mates!

 

"I'm sorry..." This was all Dave could whisper out at first as he pulled his arm to himself and protectivelly pulled down the sleeve to hide the bandages. The blond took in a deep breath while keeping his blue eyes turned to the ground. "A friend of mine called... She never knew what was okay and not to say..." Dave bit down on his lower lip as he squeezed the arm - feeling pain helped him clear his mind a bit and he was once again able to talk. "Remember the guy I told you about?.. She said she saw him having sex with a girl in the bus stop... She called her a slut." The last word left his mouth quietly. Clearly, he'd remembered what he thought about before.

 

Slowly, uncertainly and unsurely the blond raised his eyes up to his boyfriend. "Jared, I... I didn't tell you this... But..." Maybe it was best for Jared to know that much. "When I cut before, if I tried to stop the need, it'd come back later like a giant wave - I nearly sliced my neck open." The singer conffessed quietly as he gripped onto the taller man's hand. "But... If I just did it when I had to... It slowly became less and less... Until I stopped." Dave said this really quietly, almost only a whisper. What if his boyfriend didn't understand this?

[Gatichan]

There it was again, that ugly word: slut. Was that a trigger? Was that why Dave had reacted so violently? Had the knowledge that a past boyfriend of his had been so openly having sex in public made Dave think he was also that morally loose? That would explain why his boyfriend had reacted so violently before and Jared hadn’t understood it. Seeing that Dave was squeezing his injured arm further, Jared reached out and removed his boyfriend’s hand gently, but firmly. Oh dear, it really did seem that Dave was sicker than he had feared.

 

“No Dave,” he admitted quietly, his own eyes filling with tears. “I’m afraid I don’t understand you. Wanting to hurt oneself is against nature- it’s just wrong. Every organism, no matter how small or weak, wants to live. Hurting oneself is a sign that something isn’t right. And to be honest, I can’t understand how something that a former – excuse me for saying this – asshole that used you and didn’t love you boinking some bitch on a street can have such an effect on you…or are you still perhaps in love with that man?” he asked, pain in his green eyes. “Dave, you’re not a slut. I thought you said you were earnestly going to try a relationship with me and for that, I thought you meant you weren’t still hanging onto memories of yourself with someone else.”

 

He swallowed visibly. “What am I supposed to say to this, Dave? How do you expect me to react when you tell me that you wanted to kill yourself? That’s terrible! I can’t believe you’re standing right here in front of me like this now! You were always so strong, such an example for me: the way you always energetically sing out, how you compose music, how you interact with fans and our band colleagues…I never would have believed you to have such a dark, sinister side.” He grasped Dave’s shoulders, his eyes imploring. “Dave please, you need help. This isn’t normal- I don’t want to one day come fetch you and find you dead on the floor. Please, you must let someone help you, please!”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

"When did I ever say I didn't want to live?" Dave asked as he looked at his boyfriend, his shoulders trembling slightly. However, the next question pushed out all air from his lungs and the singer was left just staring at Jared with his blue eyes still teary. Did he still love Mark?.. The blond thought he didn't - but what if there still was a small part of him that did? The shorter male bit his lip and slowly lowered his head as uncertainties filled his mind. What if he really was still in love with Mark? Dave shook his head lightly as he gripped the end of his shirt. "I'm not..." He whispered out quietly.

 

"It's not that easy to forget - I probably will never forget about what he- what they all did to me! If you don't want to deal with that... I'm not supposed to stop you, I couldn't." The blond muttered out quietly as he looked up at the other with a small tear rolling down his cheek by now. "I did want to kill myself - and I explained why! You know why I act like that? Because I don't want people to react like you did! You-you just think that I'm insane and sick, you just talk about how I'm not me! Guess what. You just don't know me well enough." Even though the man's words were a bit harsh, tears were streaming down his face.

 

The tears soon turned into sobbing as the singer stood there, unable to stop or say anything else. His whole body was shaking as he looked at the ground, hugging himself with his hands. Of course Jared was going to hate him now - he was so goddarn stupid! The drummer was going to leave him... The shorter male took in a deep, shaky breath as he continued to look down, awaiting for another hit, yell or anything else - it seemed that Jared just should do that right now... At least that was what Dave thought to himself.

[Gatichan]

Jared swallowed audibly and looked away. That pause after the question if Dave still loved that worthless bum he had dated before had been a little bit too long for his liking. And it had been rather telling. Insane, fierce jealousy filled Jared and he clenched his hands at his side. So Dave was still in love with another man, but had had no scruples to tell Jared- to lie to him in the face – that he also loved him? Isn’t that the kind f thing a slut would do? Jared looked in another direction, ashamed of his thought. Dave didn’t deserve him calling him that, but really, that had hurt.

 

Jared’s nostrils flared when Dave yelled at him, not understanding anything at all. “Dave, you ARE sick!” Jared snapped, his patience snapping. Trevor whimpered and turning to the puppy, Jared lifted him out of the car to cuddle him. With Trevor between him and Dave, the puppy would hopefully prevent Jared from losing his temper again. “I’m not asking you to forget what happened to you, but cutting yourself up isn’t the way adults deal with problems. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life hurting yourself and others like this? How-?” But then Dave burst into tears and Jared’s anger and frustration, all at once, evaporated.

 

“Hey. Hey honey, no, please, don’t cry,” he sighed out, turning back to gently set Trevor down inside his basket again. Turning back, Jared most gently took Dave into his arms and lowering his head, sweetly licked his boyfriend’s tears away. “Dave, I’m here for you,” he murmured quietly, tightening his arms around Dave and kissing the singer’s blond hair. Breathing in deeply, Jared began to rub his hands in soothing circles over his boyfriend’s back. “You’re right, I’m not being fair. After all, you aren’t cutting yourself because you enjoy it, but because it’s the only way you’ve learned up to now to help you cope with your emotions. And you’re also right that I don’t know you, but I’d like to. And I will…if only you’ll let me become a part of your life and tell me right away that you feel the need. We can work this out together, Dave, I know we can,” he said fiercely, kissing Dave’s forehead. “But you need to give me a chance instead of pushing me away.”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave flinched back when Jared snapped - he knew the other would yell at him after all. The teen took in a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. His tearful blue eyes trailed over to Trevor who whined as well - the puppy didn't handle these kind of situations very well either. His breathing hitched and more tears rolled down when he heard what his boyfriend had to say - of course he didn't want that... But how come he didn't find the strength to say that?

 

The singer whimpered softly when the strong arms wrapped around his body. Soon giving into the hug, Dave tightly wrapped his hands around the taller man's body, not wanting to let go - not now, not ever. The lips that he felt on his hair made his lower lip tremble and the only thing Dave could think of was to bury his head into his boyfriend's chest where his sobbing was muffled at least a little bit. As the blond listened, he tried to stop his tears, but once he thought he was able to do that, Jared said something that once again made them reappear. The shorter male whimpered softly into the other's chest as he held onto him like he was someone who could save his life - that was true, at some point.

 

It took the man some time to actually feel like he was able to answer his boyfriend. Work this out? Even if they did, it might start after some time again... "Jared..." Dave finally started, his voice a bit hoarse from the tears. "I'm just... I'm just so scared.." He whispered out as his hands tightened around the muscular body. "I won't push you away- but will you really stay?" The blond asked quietly as he held onto his boyfriend tightly. "I do love you..." After some time, these words left his mouth and the singer breathed out shakily with small tears still rolling down.

[Gatichan]

Jared’s arms lowered to wrap themselves around Dave’s waist. Tilting his face down so that he could nuzzle his nose against Dave’s, Jared smiled faintly. “Of course I believe we can work this out, Dave. I also never said that it would be easy, but if we both never properly tried, how could we know? But you have to believe me when I say that I won’t walk away. I can’t expect you to immediately believe me or try to stop doing what you do straight away, but if you promise me that you’ll try to warn me earlier, then I really do think that we have a chance. And now please, stop crying,” he whispered, licking up his boyfriend’s tears again. “Your face is far too handsome for so many sad tears. It doesn’t suit you.” He gulped. “Apart from that, I think you become even sweeter when you cry.”

 

Hearing Dave’s love confession, Jared closed his eyes. “Maybe, for each other’s sakes, we should stop telling each other that we love each other until we’ve worked a little more on our relationship?” he suggested as he stepped back and gestured for Dave to climb into the passenger’s seat. “Don’t get me wrong,” he hastily explained when he saw his boyfriend’s facial expression. “I just believe that when you say “I love you” to someone, you have to really mean it. And there mustn’t be any doubt in your heart that you really and truly mean the words and aren’t thinking about someone else. I think we’d both enjoy and feel like it really means something the next time we confess our feelings for each other if it comes out when we’re both not so emotionally charged like right now, okay?” he suggested, kissing Dave’s hair and breathing in their scent.

 

Waiting until Dave had responded and Trevor had licked his nose cutely, Jared chuckled and then closed the door. Jogging around the car front, he climbed in again beside his boyfriend and started the car. Trevor began to bark excitedly and Jared chuckled deeply, looking at his boyfriend. “Is this the first time that Trev’s being driven around in a car? I’ll bet this must be really exciting for him,” he smiled before pulling away from the curb and starting the drive back to his house. Reaching over once his gear had been changed, Jared entwined his hand with Dave’s and squeezed it.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave finally managed to squeeze out a smile as he sniffled and took in a deep breath, closing his eyes to stop the tears completely. "Thanks..." He muttered out softly as he slowly let go off his boyfriend, unconsciously gripping onto the injured hand with the other. It was like a way to distract himself from the sadness with pain - for now he didn't know a better way. The teen's breathing hitched when his love confession was basically tossed away. Pain and hurt must've shown on his face because Jared suddenly began explaining, leaving Dave with a bitter taste in his mouth. The blond didn't say anything - he didn't know what to say. He simply just nodded.

 

The teen sighed and slipped back into the car, then reached out to take Trevor on his lap - he felt a bit... Safer? No, that wasn't it. Maybe he felt calmer with the puppy on his lap. The shorter male smiled weakly when the dog licked his nose and chuckled softly, though it wasn't completely happy or real - getting over something like that didn't take just a few minutes.

 

The singer glanced at Jared at the question and smiled slightly while nodding. "Yeah... Do you mind if I hold him here?" He asked softly, keeping one hand around his puppy while grabbing onto the drummer's hand with the other. "And, uhm... Is it really okay for you to go there with me?" The blond asked with a somewhat scared and sad voice, his eyes red and puffy from his previous tears. "I mean, won't she be mad that you brought someone here like this, without saying anything?"

[Gatichan]

Jared chuckled. “Sure you can keep Trevor on your lap. Just as long as you hold onto him tightly to make sure that he doesn’t get hurt. And if a police car pulls me over, make sure to hide him, but otherwise we should be okay,” he grinned, beginning to caress the back of Dave’s hand with his right thumb. He couldn’t be sure, but somehow Jared believed that whenever his boyfriend was cuddling with his puppy, it calmed him and made him feel better. Right then he wanted to do everything possible to make sure that his boyfriend felt good.

 

He shook his head at the next question. “Of course Mary won’t mind. I’m going to ask her to drop in at my place and not hers. I love my cousin to bits, but her mother’s a pain in the backside. She’s a very nosy woman and when we started to become famous with Requiem, she was forever asking me to give her backstage passes so that she could meet famous people and have something to gossip about with her brainless friends. She’s not a good person and I don’t want anyone to know about this…if you understand what I mean,” he said, glancing at Dave as he drove down into his garage again. “Not about you and me- I mean about you cutting yourself. That doesn’t concern anyone but us, right?”

 

Hurrying around to open the door for Dave, Jared held a hand out to help his boyfriend climb out the car. Then, picking up Trevor’s basket, he turned his bottom around and waggled it at his boyfriend. “Mind to take the keys? They’re in the left pocket. With the golden key, we can take the elevator up into the suite at the top. That’s where I have my music studio and my bedroom. I hardly ever visit the rest of my house- everything else belongs to my dad, but that’s my realm.” Stepping into the elevator after Dave had slipped the key in, Jared leaned back against the smooth mirror. Looking at himself and Dave standing side by side, Jared blushed. He thought he and Dave made a rather handsome couple and leaning sideways, he kissed Dave.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave couldn't help the small chuckle that left his mouth as he nodded. "Alright, Trev's safe here then." He said softly and smiled faintly as he pulled the said dog to himself. The young singer sighed out to himself as they reached the garage again - Jared's words made him smile yet again. "Alright, I see.." He only muttered out and glanced at the drummer, his tears completely dried out by now - though his eyes stayed a bit puffy and red. "I don't want for anybody else to know this." Dave said quietly as he looked at Jared. "So can you please keep it that way?... I mean, not even for the others, please." The blond asked quietly.

 

Dave gladly grabbed onto Jared's strong, warm hand and stood up, getting out of the car while continuing to hold Trevor close. He chuckled softly at the way his boyfriend wiggled his bottom - it was a sight he didn't think he'd ever see. The blond smiled as he took out the keys and gave them to the taller male before taking the basket from his hands and placing Trevor there. "Your realm? Sounds rather nice..." The blond murmured out as he caught himself thinking about how would the other's bedroom look like. Was it going to be simple? Clean or not? Posters? Paintings?

 

The thoughts didn't leave Dave's mouth for a moment until the two of them entered the elevator. Dave smiled as he held onto Jared's hand with the one he'd cut - his uninjured one was occupied with Trevor's basket... Though it was soon placed on ground when a pair of soft lips pressed against his own. The blond responded after a little while as he wrapped his hand around Jared's neck to pull him a bit closer. The warmth that was coming from the man's body was soothing and nice... He wanted to feel it more often. The blond had his eyes closed as he uncertainly deepened the kiss just the slightest bit - how was Jared going to react?

[Gatichan]

Jared looked back at Dave strangely. “What others? … Oh, you mean our band mates?” He waved a hand and shook his head. “Dave, you ought to know me by now. I’d never tell Kevin or Jordan about your cutting yourself. And neither our manager,” he sighed, even though he thought that latter ought to know the troubles that were tormenting his boyfriend. “I doubt our buddies would say anything stupid about it. They’d probably be really sad and not understand why you did it, but they wouldn’t condemn you. But I understand that it’s a secret you’re uncomfortable letting others know, so of course it stays between us, I promise you.”

 

“Mm…” Jared murmured deep in his throat when, after the briefest of moments he felt Dave loosening his tension as he wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him a little closer. Trevor let out an indignant cough, but neither Jared nor Dave paid him any attention as Jared gently tipped his face more to the side to perfect his hold on Dave’s soft, soft, perfectly shaped lips. Pushing Dave gently back against the cool mirror of the elevator wall, the tip of Jared’s tongue lapped playfully slowly over Dave’s lips and then, when he believed his boyfriend to have relaxed enough, he carefully slipped his tongue into his band member’s mouth, deepening the kiss further. Just him and Dave, kissing in a small, confined place like this…this was heaven after such a turbulent morning.

 

All too soon the short moment of bliss ended as the elevator came to a gentle stop and chimed softly. With a soft sigh, Jared slowly pulled away, leaving his eyes closed a moment longer. Breathing out against Dave’s face, Jared smiled. “We need more of this, don’t you agree?” Kissing Dave sweetly again, he stooped over to kiss Trevor, who sniffed and stuck his small snout into the air. Jared burst out laughing. “My, my- I wonder where you learned that,” he grinned, showing his boyfriend the pouting puppy and hoping that Dave would also laugh. Holding the basket securely in his left hand, Jared wrapped an arm around Dave’s waist as he stepped out the elevator into the tidy and brand new top floor of the apartment house. “I hope you like it here- feel at home.”

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Dave let out a small gasp and a moan as he was pushed back against the wall. All his thoughts were melting away as he focused on the kiss, his hands slowly tangling itselves into the dark hair of his lover as he parted his lips to let the tongue in - he was kind of looking forward to the feeling again. Come to think of it, they hadn't had kisses like this a lot - probably only when they first said their ‘I love you‘s. The blond couldn't help but let out another soft, small moan as the kiss continued - it was more than pleasurable for sure. It was like all their troubles from today's morning were just... Gone.

 

And then it just... Ended. His lips were left parted as the sound of the elevator stopping ringed in his mind as the singer sighed softly and smiled. “Yeah... We do need more of this.“ He agreed softly as he smiled to himself - he wasn't too sure for now... But maybe he'd found a replacement for cutting. It wasn't pain, but it succeeded in making all sadness disappear - also, it gave him that soft, tingly feeling in his chest which he absolutely adored. The feeling soon turned into warm laughter as Jared showed him Trevor pouting. “He's a real cutie~“ Dave said with a chuckle.

 

When he fel t the hand around his waist, Dave smiled softly and leaned closer to the muscular body he'd learned to love already. When he saw the tidy floor in which Jared lived, the blue eyes widened softly and the singer slowly stepped inside, reaching out to take his boyfriend's hand into his own. “This place is so cool... Where's that studio of yours?“ Dave asked and smiled widely. “Or... This'll probably sound weird, but... Any chance we could watch a movie and cuddle?“ As the teen asked this, his cheeks became a cute rosy color... He still felt a bit embarrassed.

[Gatichan]

When he pulled away from the kiss, Jared heard Dave’s quiet sigh and blushed. God, why did basically all the sounds that came out of his boyfriend’s mouth sound so erotic? Entangling his fingers even more with Dave’s when his boyfriend took his hand, Jared pointed down towards the right. He was very glad that he’d scrubbed the laminate floors the morning before leaving for band practice. “Right at the end of the hall is the bathroom, in case you need it. Down this way,” he pointed in the exact opposite direction, “is a small kitchenette, where we can make ourselves something to eat. Directly in front is the study where I keep all my books and PC and this way,” he smiled as he turned to the left, “is the way to my studio.”

 

His part of the house didn’t contain too much bric-à-brac- Jared liked to keep it simple. He preferred to have one landscape painting that his mother had made for him years before and a trophy from his time at school when he’d been on the baseball team, but that was about all that hung on the walls. Aside from that, there was one single potted plant and Jared stopped when Trevor barked, wanting to sniff at it. Pushing open the door beside it, he let Dave peek inside. “This is my studio,” he said quietly. “Here at the front you can see the boards and synthesizers, mix-tables and everything, but beyond the glass wall is my drum kit. One day, if you like, we could try to sing our song…I mean, the song you composed and I just added a bit here and there,” he quickly corrected himself before Dave understood him wrong, “in here together. I’d…I’d really like that,” he admitted quietly.

 

Hearing Dave’s question, Jared smiled. “Well, my father does have a built in cinema two floors down. We have a vast collection of DVDs to watch from, so take your pick: what would you like to watch?” he asked, slowing down slightly as they walked past the door of his bedroom. Soon, he told himself trying to remain nonchalant. He never would have believed that he’d bring Dave of all people to his bedroom and Jared’s heart picked up. He suddenly wanted to do more than simply cuddle, but cuddling would be perfect…for a start.