Fragments of the Past

[StainedCrimson]

As he was looking directly at Yuu, the brief look of hurt and disappointment, can't be hidden. Barely stopping himself from physically wrapping his arms around him to hold himself together, he turns away from the one person he never thought would intentionally lie to him. Especially not about the inn which Lyall of all people in Yuu's life would be able to easily spot the lie. "Do you think me so stupid Yuu? Am I really nothing more than another of those people you look down upon that you'd lie to me about that of all the possible excuses you could have used?" Despite his best attempts his voice is wavering and his eye sight is getting blurry from the tears building up.

 

"You could have said just about anything, but the inn, and I would have bought it just because it's you." His nails dig into the flesh of his palms, slowly blood starts to drip down as the flesh is punctured. "But the inn Yuu? Really? That's the best excuse you can give me?" A soft broken laugh escapes his lips as he turns his back to the other. "Just go Yuu. I'm tired and just want to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll listen to and accept whatever you feed me."

 

Without waiting for the other to move or say a word, he starts to head for the small room that acts as his bed. Absently stepping over or around the fabrics scattered on the floor as his world seems to fall apart around him. The one person he [Lyall] thought he could always count on and be there has just lied to him in a way he's not sure he can take. Surely the feeling of his heart being shredded should cause some kind of a physical reaction or sign. Well, at least his tears keep him from seeing the world, or Yuu who had been his world for so long, leaving him behind even as he refuses to let them fall. Minus the few that manage to slip down the corners of his eyes that is.

[UndertheWeather]

Even before a word was spoken, Yuu knew, from the look of hurt and disappointment in Lyall's eyes, that he had made the wrong choice, the biggest mistake to opt for the inn as an explanation for his misconduct. His chest tightened, and he cursed himself for being such a fool. Regret and desperation loomed over his head as he watched Lyall turned around and headed for a small room, all the while uttering words that stabbed his [Yuu] soul like blunt knives.

 

At his side, his fingers twitched, searching for an imaginary option that could make the situation better. But doubt had its grip around his heart; all his effort had by far led them down the road which he wished they had not gone. There was no reason for him to think that whatever idea came to mind - however positive it looked - would drive them away from that road and to one which he favoured. Evidence had by far shown him how incapable he was at handling the situation. Then, if they were not going anywhere else but down this road, what difference would it make if he did another stupid thing, if he told Lyall his feelings? Nothing. Perhaps. But he could not tell that for sure.

 

His heart was already broken. It would not make much of a difference if Lyall rejected him. Or would it? He had never find himself in such a situation - being rejected - how could he ever know then? Not unless it happened.

 

Yuu gulped. As Lyall made his way to the room over the fabric strewn on the floor, Yuu let go of all the thoughts that were playing in his mind and at once sprang forward towards the younger male. He grabbed hold of Lyall's wrist and spun him [Lyall] around to face him [Yuu]. His bright blue eyes traced the wet trails on Lyall's cheeks, and against what he thought, his heart was capable of breaking even more than it had. He wished he had not make Lyall cry.

 

"Listen to me, Lyall," he started with a wavering voice. Yuu had intended to be assertive and dominant, yet the sight of Lyall crying softened his heart and made him hate himself more than he already had.

 

"Yes, I could have come up with another excuse, but really, I wish you'd see that I'm not doing that to hurt you. I-I-I..." his voice trailed off as his mind fought to speak the truth. The grip around Lyall's wrist loosen as he let his hand slide up and with both hands held onto Lyall's upper arms. His bright blue eyes looked straight into Lyall's, at the back of his head the words "say it" played over and over again like a broken tape recorder. He gulped. Sweat began to form across his forehead. His fingers dug into Lyall's skin as his grip tightened around his [Lyall] arms.

 

"I can't bear the thought of you spending so much time with Darcy!"

[StainedCrimson]

When he'd been grabbed and turned around, the first instinctual response he'd had was to try and brush the traitorous tears that had disobeyed him and fell anyway. That fell away when he saw the guilt in the other's eyes and heard the wavering voice, he [Lyall] stopped to listen instead of yanking himself free despite the growing discomfort from the tight grip. Still, he can't help that fickle flame of hope from stirring up again as [Yuu] grabbed his [Lyall's] shoulders while trying to explain what he'd [Yuu] had meant.

 

Hearing the uncommon stuttering and anxiety from the source of his [Lyall's] affection and adoration, made the hope rise even faster and harder. Inwardly he shouts at the other to say the words he so wants to hear, to give him the confidence and strength to say the words back that have become almost bitter to him from how long he's held them in. And yet, once more, Yuu lets him down even more harshly by once more bringing up that ever blasted Darcy.

 

Sagging, almost to the point of going limp and just letting himself fall to the floor, he gives a broken laugh. "I don't know what I was expecting, but not that. Don't worry, after all this I don't know if I'll be able to stomach seeing him again without tasting the bitter disappointment I've been fed this day."

 

Hallow. That's all he can think of to describe how he's feeling right now. Not even broken or hurt. Just. Hallow. There's not even the faint whisper of hope left after that, but more than that he can't even seem to dredge up the energy to hate Yuu for letting him down so badly. Slowly he looks up and just gives Yuu a sad empty smile. "Fine then. Have it your way. Since it seems to matter so much to you, I'll stop seeing him. Now that you have what you want, please leave. I'm very tired and father wants me all day tomorrow."

 

It's not quite true, but his father does want him to sit in on some business matters tomorrow though it'll only take up a few hours throughout the day. His main purpose in being there is to take notes for his father so the addicted fool would know what went on. Then of course Lyall has to put all matters into motion and make sure it's ready for his for his father without the man actually having to do much of anything. It's the only way their family has managed to hold on this long after his mother had passed away which is what caused the elder male to fall into the cesspit of drugs and alcohol.

 

However, his main reason for the slight deception is because he can no longer stand to to look at the other. Not today at least. In fact, he's not sure if he'll be able to anytime in the near future.

[UndertheWeather]

Yuu watched Lyall as he became more dispirited with every word he spoke; he could almost feel Lyall disintegrate in his grip. He gulped. And for the first time since his journey towards making up with Lyall, he questioned himself and his motives and the point of everything that he had done and might have done. Was this the right thing to do? Was it not better to let Lyall go, to let him [Lyall] off the pain that he [Yuu] had forcefully shoved in his [Lyall] hands? Was it not unfair of him [Yuu] to do this to Lyall? What was he thinking? But was this all his fault? Was it all on his head? Everything? Everything that had happened, and was happening, and was about to happen? He sighed. Maybe it would be much easier for them both if he let this drop.

 

The answer to the questions that were playing in his mind became immediately apparent and clear when he saw the sad empty smile stretched across the handsome face of his younger companion. There was no way he could pick up the pieces of his heart, nor could he ever loved anyone else more than he loved this man. Not ever. Whatever Lyall said about his future relationship with Darcy was no longer of any concern or importance. Not in the slightest. The security of knowing that Lyall could never see Darcy the same way again, and the promise that he would not see the man again offered him not even the slightest bit of comfort.

 

Yuu swallowed the ball of thorns that he had rolled himself earlier in the morning, and braced for the loss that he would never forget for the rest of his life, and one that he would never forgive himself for. His grip around Lyall's arms loosened and looking down at the younger male - the usual spark in his eyes were by now gone - he spoke in a low voice, "I know I have ruined everything. I am sorry for that and I am sorry for barging in into your personal space." A pause as he collected his thoughts and himself. It was tough to speak the words; every word that escaped his lips stabbed him like a sharp knife. And he could not bear to fix his gaze on the sad features of the younger male without thinking how much that pain was because of him.

 

"I-I am sorry," he started again, "I don't wish to hurt you more than I already have, and I will not impose on you my presence of which you might not appreciate." The muscles in his throat were constricted around his windpipe threatening to suffocate him as he attempted to resist the urge to bawl like a child for the loss that he had incurred upon himself.

 

"I will not keep you any longer," he said as he retrieved his hands to his sides. It did not matter if he did not believe the truth of Lyall's claim about his father. Not anymore. And he would not call out on the younger male for deception. He just wanted to rid Lyall of the burden. Of him.

 

"Well, I'm off now. I hope you have a good night, Lyall..." he said, the desire to attach the compassionate "dear" at the end was stopped by his guilt. He turned around and headed for the door, but stopped by the frame, and turned back towards Lyall. His eyes were dim and drooping, and a sad smile was carved across his pale face.

 

"If you hate me less at any time in the coming years, I do hope that we can speak again."

 

With that, he made his way out of the sanctuary which he had intruded.

[StainedCrimson]

He'd been wrong. The feeling he was experiencing wasn't the feeling of being hollow, but of being numb. And the words Yuu spoke to him and knowing that any chance of a future with the other has ended with this, makes him drop to his knees as they give out from the pain in his chest. All he [Lyall] can manage is to just stare at the back of the man he's admired and cared for for so long leave him. With that, that ever so faint glimmer of hope is mercilessly crushed and obliterated causing a small gasp of pain and grief to escape him.

 

Only when the door closes does the reality seem to hit him and break his composure fully. Tears fall like a dam breaking to let loose the waters held up behind it as the pained sobs start. After a few moments a long pained screaming cry rips itself from his [Lyall's] throat while his heart feels as if it's been shredded before finally being torn out. Even losing his mother hadn't hurt so much, nor did the loss of his father to the drugs. Was this love? Is this what it did to a person? No wonder then that his father fled into the world of numbing and distancing drugs.

 

Slowly dragging himself to his bed, Lyall allows himself to collapse and cry everything out. All the bitterness of the fight and his now forever one-sided love, the loss of his love and best friend, but most of all for whatever future that might have been now forever disappearing. Once finally exhausted enough that he falls asleep, the light that manages to slip through reveals a small portion of a face wet from the tears and red from the ferocity from which they were shed. Most of all, it illuminates a lovely but broken face that's much like a doll but has the promise of being a most handsome man. It is the face of a young man who's been broken before he could even fully grow.

 

Once he manages to wake the next day, he can only dimly register the fact that it's far later than expected. Too tired to move or care about the meetings, Lyall just lays there listless until the ever faithful servant comes in to check on him. "Oh Young Master..." The man whispers sadly, but also a bit angrily. This was not why he'd shown that man [Yuu] to this place. If they ever dare show his face and he [the servant] catches sight of him, it will not end well for the other. "Don't worry Young Master. Your father called off the meetings today so you can just take today to regather yourself." He hesitates before speaking again. "Don't let what happened to your father happen to you Lyall. You must push forward and not give up on your dream. Don't give that undeserving bastard take more from you than what he already has."

 

An eye slowly moves to look up at the elder man. The one who's been like an uncle and grandfather to him. He can't bring himself to take strength from him like he used to, but knows distantly that he's right. "Don't worry... Last night and today is the last of my heart and tears he'll get from me." He says softly before the eye closes as he falls back into an exhausted and pain free sleep.True to his word, starting the next day Lyall threw himself into his work and learning all he could of his trade with a terrifying single-minded ferocity. Though Darcy is the one promise he's kept to Yuu as the mere sight of the man [Darcy] causes feelings to stir from that painful night. And soon, his business and reputation take off and grow with word spreading even as Lyall cuts off ties with his father.

[UndertheWeather]

The minute the door closed behind him, Yuu slowly laboured away from the safe hideout; his heart, heavy with sorrow, called out for him to turn back and apologise to Lyall and tell him [Lyall] the truth and nothing but the truth. And yet his heart was already so shattered by his own doings that he felt at the same time that he did not deserve another chance from the man whom he loved so dearly. He [Yuu] should not be given another opportunity to hurt Lyall. Not another one. But he also felt himself undeserving of the passivity from Lyall's side. And then he hated himself for blaming Lyall. His mind was muddled up. He was confused.

 

Slowly he staggered, the safe house shrinking behind him. Every step was heavy that he needed to lean against a tree, and when he did, his legs gave way and he fell onto the soft grass. What was this all about? In a distance he heard the sharp crying from the safe house, one that he had never heard before, not from Lyall. It ripped him [Yuu] to pieces, if there was anything else to rip. As he sat there in the dark listening to the wailing of his loved one, his vision began to blur from the tears that would not stop despite his internal screaming to stop. His memory failed him as to the last time he shed a tear. And only then that he understood how hurt he was, from the mess that was of his life, and the mess that he had made of Lyall's life. There was no turning back at this point, he knew.

 

Mustering all the strength that he had in himself, he got to his feet and took to his heels. It was not home that he headed for, not anywhere that he had in mind; he just ran. The darkness enveloped his being, shading the despair in his bright blue eyes. It was over. He knew that if stability returned to their relationship, it would not be the same again; the compassion that he had would be accompanied with pain, and the love with regret.

[StainedCrimson]

As the years go by, Lyall grows taller and fills out. While still on the edge of being more beautiful than handsome, his build and the cut of his face is just right to where he does fall on handsome. That is helped by the toned body formed by lifting and moving the heavy bolts of fabric, having no real money initially to hire any help even temporary, and from his lessons in sword and knife play from various people. Thanks to that he not only learned formal techniques, but also ones meant to keep a man alive since not everyone plays by the rules.

 

Initially he'd buried himself so far into his work, that short of his professional mask, he'd been closed off and disinterested in any sort of contact whatsoever with people minus what was necessary. Eventually, he learned to accept that that wasn't the way to be either. However, he never really let anyone close to him despite enjoying the company of other men, no one stayed long or was more than a body to warm his bed at night now and then. After that event years ago Lyall swore he'd never let anyone that close again, even if he still had a heart after how thoroughly destroyed it had felt. Even now the memories almost have the ability to bring him to his knees.

 

With a sigh, he leans back slightly at the table of the restaurant where he's currently enjoying lunch while working on figures and such, to look out the window. All this time later he's finally made progress and has accomplished his dream of selling only the best and most sought after clothe made into some of the most fashionable clothing known. And despite his initial best efforts, word of that man have been heard to let it be known of his [Yuu's] progress as well. Thankfully the efforts to avoid the man have not yet been thwarted.

 

Shaking his head to hopefully not jinx himself, Lyall turns back to his food to finish eating. Once done, the work brought with captures his attention again and tea is the only thing ordered to be refilled as the work blocks out all else. So absorbed that the attention focused on him goes completely unnoticed as it's not even registered.