The Cold Existence

[bloodyredfox]

Summary--> The heart filled emotions of a teenager in a diary...!

Warning--> suicidal tendencies, vulgar language(maybe!), love with an inanimate object(!).

Status--> ongoing...

 

 

 

 

Prologue

 

The cold existence

 

I looked at the scene in front of me. They seemed really happy giving my first gift I received from them in three years to him. I was still young so I bawled out right there, gaining their attention. Their expressions changed from one of glee to that of hate.

Slap

She slapped me! I hiccuped as I tried to stop the flow of tears leaking from my eyes.

“But it’s my gift, you gave it to me.”

She sneered and said, “He needs it more than you, you disgusting failure.”

My heart never felt that cold; I clutched my shirt and kept quite as they returned back to ignoring me as always. I never forgot how my parents gave away something which was my birthday gift; which I had gotten three days back; readily to my elder brother when he asked for it.

I just lowered my head and tightly shut my eyes and went back to my room.

 

*****

 

Many months later...

I have started writing a diary which helps me keep my feelings in check. It helps when you think you mind is becoming kind of unstable.

 

Dear D,

I know I started writing, just a few days back, but I haven’t really told you my name, have i?

So here it is...My name is Scar/Siah. I am 13. Just that, a normal 'emo' teen, really.

I am so hopeless! I just keep crying myself to sleep and the sad thing is that nobody notices. Not that I want anyone to notice! Being alone...being with everyone...what’s the difference? Alone I am with my thoughts and you D! With my friends(?) it’s no different, each has their own personal ‘best friend’, and I always become the third wheel. No one asks; correction; no one bothers to ask.

If , D, you hadn’t been there I would have killed myself. You know that, I tried to kill myself at least four or five times, I can’t bear the burden!

‘If I don’t study, I will be thrown out. If I don’t study I wouldn’t be allowed to talk to my friends, I would be criticized for every fucking path I chose! I don’t know what to do anymore, D! There are so many things I want to try, but every bloody fucking way has thorns. Thorns...but they too have roses, right? You are my only rose left D! The ugly thing is that my thorny life had no rose left before; but each rose has been plucked and I am left with no choice. I am at a dead end.

I have you know D. I love you! I don’t know how I am supposed to continue with my life, but for you I can have the courage to laugh...though only on the outside. You help me forgive those who hurt me and kicked around my heart. I am in your debt.

Today mother shouted at me again. I don’t know if she will ever talk normally to me. She came in today in my room and yelled about why I can’t be more like my brother. Such an intelligent, studious, model student and son he is. I felt like someone had stamped on me and kicked me. Oh wait, brother already did that yesterday.

D, I have always been alone...every day the loneliness tears at my heart. I don’t want live like this anymore!

[bloodyredfox]

I looked at the girls and boys sitting in front of me in our school classroom. My friends! I was such an idiot... my best friend, Dracy, turned to look at me and raised an eyebrow asking non-verbally what was wrong. I smiled and shook my head. My eyes started watering so I excused myself to the bathroom. I entered the nearest stall and took out my diary and started writing.

 

Dear D,

Guess I became a little too sappy yesterday. But I wanted you to know what I was going through... Yesterday, I stood with a knife in my hand wanting to end my life. But then I thought of those very few people who wanted to see me smile. I cried myself to sleep, that was the only time I allowed myself to leak those traitorous tears.

Kevin is not talking to me because I didn’t go to his birthday party. I wanted to go so much but she didn’t allow me to go, she said that a failure like me wasn’t allowed to have fun. And Kevin thinks the worst of me now.

 

I stopped to sigh a bit here. It always hurt to think of my “family”. But there wasn’t much that I could do. I started writing again.

 

But I know he forgave me, that’s what friends do right? I am so lucky to have you D... I don’t want my friends to pity me. I don’t want them to know my true feelings, except you, I don’t know why but I can bare my heart naked to you. I hope I am not losing you, D. Out English teacher said that committing sins causes people to lose their conscience. You are my conscience, D. I don’t want to lose the first person who cares about me! Please D don’t go, who will stop me next time I try to kill myself??

[bloodyredfox]

Dear D,

I am sorry I couldn’t write to you for such a long time(a year is long you know)... well I tried to be a model student for my pa-well them, but they still look at me like I am a piece of shit underneath their shoes.

If that is not enough, brother had to come back too...why couldn’t he just stay at his work place. No one asked him to butt in my life, but nooo he is so interested in my life that he fucking stalks me and checks my bag and cupboard freaking everyday..what happened to the free country??

But I think he is bipolar. Yep! Thats it!!

D, the family is so scary....they have this look in their eyes when speaking at me, it sends me the shivers... I should master the act of apathy...just listen to them and agree to whatever they say so they can leave me alone... but today I had to disagree...brother, well just beat me and threatened me with a nail cutter and told me to kill myself, like I need his permission.

But he fucking also broke my stuff what is going through his head??

Fucking hell, my head and stomach still hurts from the last time. That time she..oh the lady of the house that is...did see what was going on, but all she said was I quote, “Don’t waste time on useless things, they are trash and would be thrown out in some years anyway.” Then she looks at me in the eyes and says, “Useless trash”

Well I just nodded and continued to do my work...it has become so common to hear this...well D, I am thinking of running away....you think I can do that?

[Rhye_Meow]

This is so sad , kid. T^T cheetah7