The boy who never forgot pain

[Sora Aurakai]

This is a short autobio of my sad life. I know I'm putting it pubicly on the internet, but I'm ok with everyone knowing, it's personal sure, but I kinda get tired telling it to everyone I know, so here it goes. *Warning not for the feint of heart* *Story maybe sad, long and uninteresting to many, please continue with caution and read at your own risk*

 

I was born on August 14th in the year of 1994, I was an orphan who never knew my father, he was dead before I was born and my mother was too sick to take care of me. I was adopted by a lady who I was to call my "mom" all my life. My early years of my life were just like anyone else's surprisingly. I ate, I slept, I learned to walk and to talk. Eventually at the age of 8 I found myself in a nice house in vermont on the east coast of the united states. I was surrounded by friends, as another family lived with us, my mom's friend with her 3 children and sometimes other families would visit us as well. It was the life, we stayed up telling each other scary stories, we played nintendo gamecube and enjoyed watching spongebob. Yes, things were great we went out doors, wen't sleding, skateboarding, biking, swimming, had imaginary forts and all the good things. Me and many others back then refered those days as the "golden days". It wasn't long that by the age of 10, the other family moved out and me and my mom became poor, we lost the house and began moving place to place, school to school. I was a cry baby back then, the simpliest things made me cry like my mom missing a commercial on TV I wanted her to see. So, you could imagine how hard it was and how broken I felt when all my friends went away and I'd never see or hear from them again. Time passed and I didn't feel the same, it didn't feel right losing people and being alone. I didn't like school and it didnt help that whoever I met in it, I had to quickly lose due to moving place to place and man did we move year after year. When I was 10 we moved into a house with another one of my moms friends, but there family was more of a "do whatever they wanted" family. They stole my things and if I took them back and confronted them about it, theyd take another one of my things and black mail me with it. By the time I was 12 I lived in this house with a very aggresive man, in the end things didn't work out well, he was a pedophile, so you can probably guess what happened to me one time :/. After we got out of that horrible living situation I moved into this nieghborhood with this mean lady, who at a public pool watched as I drowned when I was 8. Luckily her son saved me, but apparently her newspaper was too good to let go. This neihborhood was boring, I had nothing to do and I had no friends, I sat there and stared out the window like a depressed puppy on a rainy day. One day, however I went outside while walking my dog and I bumped into this boy, of course I was too shy to say hi, so my mom did the talking for me. It wasn't log before we became friends and we hung out and played video games, shortly after on halloween I met the rest of the neighborhood and I had a crush on a boy named joe. Being a boy, I simply couldn't date him, but I wanted to touch him, cuddle him. So, I devised a scheme that worked, I already looked pretty fem, so all I did was let my hair grow out pretty long and I told everyone I was a girl and the believed it. At the age of 13 now, I was pretending to be a girl just so i could cuddle with a boy as being a boy with a boy is strictly wrong in society in that place. Me and this group of friends had fun almost every day, but something didn't feel right, they seemed distant and they kept me out of things sometimes and I was concerned, but still I was shy and my voice didnt sound like a guy at all, I kept to myself and I had a feeling some people didn't like me. By the time I was 15 my hair was really long and things were going great until, something happened, something that changed my life forever. My friends mom complained to the school department and lied saying I didn't go to school. I'll admit, losing my friends and being alone and sad made me do horrible academically and no one talked to me like I mattered my entire life, I was always looked down upon or never noticed, so bad that just because I was silent they thought it was better to lable me with austism, something I don't even have. Soon after the tattle tale I was thrown into a residential program, a place worse then a boarding school and on par with hell. It was marketed as a school, but there was no doubt in my mind I was in hell. On my very first day I am picked up by two big guys and thrown on the floor out of my bed and I am suffocating because I am face down with a hood and a heavy blanket over my head. I said "I can't breathe" they said "We've heard that before" if I didn't give in, I could have died. I was carried away after having my limbs twisted and my breathe choked out of me. I was thrown into a chair in a dark room and stared at a wall for 6 hours, this continued the same day. I finally went to school on the third day, it was a weird experience. They all looked mean and cruel, fake and demented. It was very clear to me that I didn't belong there, I wasn't like any of them. I answered simple questions and I was revered as one of the smartest people there, honestly the work wasn't hard, my abilites were being belitted and I was being seriously tortued emotionally. I was all alone, I had no one, I had nothing to do. I wasn't allowed to go home or even outside, I couldn't use internet or play video games, worst of all I couldn't talk to a single person I could trust. I sat on my bed in my room wheeping almost every day. I got phone calls time to times and maybe some visits, but once they ended, I knew I was still there. One phone call, was from joe, he said on the phone that he hated me and that he pretended and he also mentioned that the entire neighborhood did too. I was in total shock and heartbroken, I spent so many years being nice to those people giving it my all and helping when I could, hanging out sharing smiles and then...this. This was the first time I was betrayed by someone I cared about, and now more then ever I felt completely alone. I broke inside and I cried for two days straight, it took me a very long time to get over it, but I didnt have time to think of it. I was trapped inside a place where you couldnt breathe unless the wanted you to. Two long years past. Compared to a ton of people there I was very well manered and followed all the directions, but still they kept me there for an odd reason, those who bursted out of turn and did bad things got out early. I didn't understand. 2 long years later I suffered and was moved into a more home like setting on the outerim of the campus, it had a bit more freedom, but it was still the terrible place. I only got restrained 3 times there, the first time I got there, the time they ripped my shirt while man handling me and the 3rd time where I got restrained for being hungry and eating toast. Yeah, thats right, I wanted food and was attacked for it. The school portion was worse, if you so much as sneezed in class you'd get sent down to a place called the quiet room for that entire block and recieved an automatic F. After a year in that unberable house I didn't go home, newp I was immeditaely sent into another program. This time the people were a bit more friendlier, but it was still a program, they were still fake, and I was stil in for some dark times. On the bright side I got to play games and such, but it wasn't fun, I was sad inside from what I went through and no one understood me, I just wanted to go home to keep the people I knew. I didn't get to see any of my online friends so, basically they all left me in the end. After being stuck in that place for 2 long years I finally graudated, but it wasn't easy. I had a best friend, one who I had cherished he understood me and he was kind to me, hed knock on my door while I layed there sad and he gave me the strength to do things. He was kind and nice and he even saved my life one day when I almost fell off a gigantic cliff hundreds of feet. I was even his roomate, but he changed one day, my greatest frined because my greatest enemy. He turned on me, and I felt the worst pain in my life, I hated it so much, I cried so hard, I felt so isolated, I couldnt get up from my bed, he hurt me terribly, I already went through so much, I already went through so much pain. I didn't want to deal with this, nothing, no one could talk me into feeling better, I just wanted him back, but alas, no matter how cruddy I felt, no matter how sad, no one felt bad for me. He spread rumors and lies and made it seem like it was my fault he had the entire school against me in 2 days and I couldnt talk to anyone, I ate lunch alone everyday and I cried with my face on my desk. In reality I didn't do anything, but he wanted to believe I did in his head. Reguardless the last 6 months of my final year were the worst in my life. It was so bad I almost dropped out having only 2 weeks left. When I finally got back home, I wasn't happy, I didn't feel like I won, I didn't even want the diploma, I just wanted to be back home in a regular school years ago and had kept the friends I had and not met the ones I had met in those places. 5 years of my life gone. I got out of that place and on the first day people wanted me to get a job and go to colledge, after that I was not emotionally prepared for that. They thought I just went to school, that I was being overly dramatic...sadly people died in that place I was in. It was a very serious predicment that scared me for life. I didn't graudate at the age of 18, I was held back a year due to homework in highschool. I graudated at the age of 19 and even though I am 19 now this was near the days I turned 19, I am almost 20, on well the 14th of this month. Being home, things went south, I had lost all my friends, I had nothing to do, I was in shock and I was bored. I spent my days trying to reconnect with some people I knew back then, I tried finding people to meet and befriend and to date, nothing worked. I never liked my "Family" the ones I was forced to live with. They stole from me, looked down on me, treated me like dirt and never payed any attention. My friend whom I knew since diapers called me very bad insults like saying I was a nigger and a faggot. Things that didn't really make sense, but in socities terms are dished out as insults. I was being crushed by a huge bed frame and a dresser on tight stairs that day and simply asked for help, he didn't give it, he insulted me and yelled at me and then even wanted me to apolgize. I havin't talked to him since that very day. The lady who watched me drown years ago yelled in my face and said I am done with you, simply because she couldnt mold me into what she wanted me to be. In the end my only cousin I could hang out with, he tried to kill me, he charged as me with killing intent infront of my brother who had one lung because he got stabbed before and my mom who is very old(62). I officially lost everyone. I only managed to date two people online, they both cheated on me and lied to me in the end. I questioned my life, all I did was be kind and help people. I gave them things and were trying to be there for them, I stood up for them, I was honest with them, I tried to be the best I could be, but in the end I was never liked. My story is still being written, but you see these events aren't that far off, I am alone with my "mom" very poor and I hardly eat anything and have barely any clothes, I have a birth coming up in 3 days nobody wll aknowledge and and I feel very lonely most of the time, I exausted all my options and feel very bored. I am trying to get things in motion, but living in a very bad neighborhood with lying mean people doesnt make things easier. The internet has become my life, I cannot say I cherish a single person in a very special way, but people I meet online, some of them I like and honor. This story isn't a story, it's a real life, it's my life. I am not worried about everyone seeing this, hopefully it will help you understand where I am coming from, if you ever take time out of your life to meet me. If you read all this, kudos to you, you maybe able to be my friend.

[Sora Aurakai]

Last but not least my second sig reads "Can you see the pain in these eyes" This is refering to me and how badly I am hurting on the inside, but it doesn't show on the outside, unless...those of you who can see it.

[Justme]

It's sad to see some people go through such things *hugs*

[Ventamus]

Man, it seems like you have a tough life o_O

I know it's cliche, but my best advise is to forward to the future.

I think you should go to college, at least you get to meet more people, and get another change at life.

(Tho I'm not doing very well with my social life in college either lol)

At least, with a diploma, you get more chance of being independent and making a new life where you can persuade happiness.

[Teesie]

I wouldn't know if I should like this since it is such a sad story, but I really wish you would go forward with your life despite all the bad that has happened. Believe me, even though I've been through way less than you, I know how it feels to feel like you don't belong; or as if you don't exist. It gets better. Promise. Once you're independent you'll surely be happier. I won't say to rush to college if that isn't what you want; as I refuse to go because of persuasion as well; but do not waste your education. Don't let the past hold you back; you have to live with it because there is no way it could change; albeit the worse that has happened...it made you who you are today. You'll look back on this a day when older and not even have emotions toward it; because I can see a bright future for you. Please do not let everyone in your heart. There are some people you just have to keep around for the laughs; because most their intentions aren't good; or they aren't a good influences. ^_^

[Sora Aurakai]

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the thing is, if it was only just the past, it would be a bit easier moving forward, but the bad things are STILL happening. Life isn't good, and yes I am trying to move along, but I'm still going through stuff.

[bloodyredfox]

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Hey, I cant say I understand and well that you have to move on and stuff...because things didnt happen to me so mainstream to me... I have my bad days and good days, on the bad days I try to lock myself up in my room and not get out ( XD ), on those days I feel the whole worlds against me, what with all the shouting and crying and beatings, but then come the good days...you would have those too!! I am sure..just talk and laugh out all your sorrows. I found my own band of friends in the new school after changing my class two times..till then I was silent, and now teachers shout at me to stop laughing and talking..so in a way..you Have to move on..maybe try to shrug off the bad things!!

[Rhye_Meow]

Well said

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.. sometimes you're also using that head eh, kusogaki

 

And for you Sora... the past is there for a reason ^^ everybody has a painful thing or two .. just.. learn not to let it weight you down. I always love this song from Southborder titled : Rainbow

 

 

Take a little time baby

See the butterflies color's

Listen to the birds that were sent

To sing for me and you

Can you feel me

This is such a wonderful place to be

Even if there is pain now

Everything would be all right

For as long as the world still turns

There will be night and day

Can you hear me

There's a rainbow always after the rain

 

 

So next time.. make a thread with the title "the boy who got over the pain and kicked it's ass xD"

[bloodyredfox]

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Old man...I always use my head, you are losing your memory nowadays *shakes head*..

[BlueRayman]

Man Sora Aurakai you've had a rough deal theres no two ways about that. Over the years my old house mate and I took in a fair few people that had one way or another had a rough time of things as well, given your situation I have some advice that might not really sit well with everybody.

 

I have a relative who has a very overbearing father and even now that my relative is a grown man and married still tries to control his life. Anyway my relative when he left school wanted to become a chef but instead his father forced him to become an electrician.

My dad asked me what I would have done if he'd tried to force me to become a mechanic like him? To which I replied "I'd of told you to go f*ck yourself or just lied to you"

My dad very laughed and said "Exactly thats normal right" - or something like that.

 

My advice to you would be to remember that everything before this point has not been with in your control but everything that happens now can be.

 

Open up a post office or bank account something that's safe, that you won't get sent out any statement and put every bit of money you can in it, sell anything you have of value and as soon as you have enough money to leave and start over. Aim for and focus on that take confidence and power from the fact those around you can't stop you, because you know your getting out that they will still be there long after your living your life somewhere else.

 

Its not nice and somebody who has never had it bad won't understand but you might, if you can find it. There is strength to be found, no taken from the negative people around you. Prove them wrong, don't care what they think, if they think only the worst of you then you don't have to care what they think about anything you do from now on. Write them off and focus on you.

 

Leave and start you own life and you'll find people who will love and accept you without you even having to try.

 

--Sorry kinda went off on one there