This foolish Heart

[alexia__]

I know you are really nice but please don't judge me >.

I need to improve my writing skills and I suddenly pulled out this short little "poem" i guess you can call it. Anyway please review! leave comments good or bad *begs*

 

 

Hate, anger, pain, and rage, these feelings constantly bugged me back when I knew him. Such an inconvenience to have that green eyed kid enter my monochrome life. And even as I found myself hatting him wanting to crush his hopes and dreams I developed love. A love so strong that could never be forgotten by my heart.

Sleeping with both men and women did nothing for my broken chest that knew the pain of being left behind. Such a selfish brat, making me madly love him to double play and then leave me. Yet, I can’t lie, I find myself far from hatting him because deep at night when my dreams reach their peak his green eyes drag me into nothingness and my heart remembers perfectly the sweet sweet love that captivated my already dying soul. I welcome the pain, this is what it feel to live and love.

I want to touch him again, I want to remember the face that has become a blur over the years. I don’t want to just see his eyes and repeatedly remember his words.

 

“I used to do things like, read all the books in my library” were the first words I heard from him after all these years. Suddenly, as if all my effort to forget where blown into nothingness, my heart revived, as I met his eyes, the ones that first captivated me, came back. This time it had a face, a name, a life.

 

My poor foolish heart can’t forget, or rather doesn’t want to forget this painful, dreadful and beautiful feeling called love.

 

[XiuLin]

I luv this and the feelings it gives me.

[Haruka Kaien]

Mmm, I love the emotions I feel from it. You did a pretty good job I'd say.

As for constructive critism; I'd suggest you watch your paragraphs. Making them too long is harder for the eyes to follow. Using a ',' would take care of that. In general peaking, for novels the ',' is used 3-4 times tops in one sentence.

However, the ',' also serves as a slight pause for effect purposes, so it would be good to not overuse the ',' because it could cramp/put a damper on the flow of your poems.

It's sort of a double-edged sword, I think.

Lastly, the typos are not that bothersome, but you might want to watch out for those as well.

As for your writing style I cannot say much since I do not now what type of style you were aiming for.

[donohue]

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:Crying: This is so sad!

Alright time to leave you some rating. Word wise it runs smoothly, diction is nicely added not too much not too little> I like the vivid imagery but I tink you blew by it too quickly perhaps next time accenting it a bit more would put the cherry on top.

In addition I agree with Haruka^ some commas will come in nice instead of a complete period, to add the pause of course.

overall its so beautiful, and painful, and amazing. You're a lovely writer!