Winter's Delight(In need of older Seme.)

[JR_TheRandomFan]

It was hard to remember that everyone can be a little broken. Having Jun pull away from him was a little disheartening. But the feeling soon left once his older lover grabbed his hand. Once in the living room a squeak could be heard from him when he was pulled on the couch with him.Dylani couldn't recall the last time they were like this,his head resting on his lover's chest, Jun's hand running down his back.The silence of the two of them as they watched the flicker of the television. It felt so strange just laying there,so uneasy by what was stirring from the inside."I don't deserve this..." he whispered before turning towards Jun."Why do I feel like I don't deserve laying here with you,like this...?"

[Sosuke0549]

Why Did the other always have to do that! Why did he always have to ruin the mood?

Jun bit his lip, sighing softly for a moment, his eyes staying on the tv.

"Dyanli, don't do that....."

But Jun knew the answer, it was because Dyanli had no self esteem. He constantly was beating himself down. Telling himself he wasn't worthy anything or anyone. He had no confidence.

"I should be asking that question."

He grinned a little. His fingers gently running threw the others hair as he continued to watch tv.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

Shuddering in his lover's grasp Dylani could only sniff as he ruined the mood once again. How could Jun be so jovial about this?He was so much better, so deserving of someone less fragile, someone with more confidence.After a moment the trap hid himself in his lover's chest, seemingly calming down from his slight doubts."Jun...I'm so sorry...This is killing me..."

[Sosuke0549]

Jun bit his lip feeling Dyanli hide himself in his chest and apologize. It was hard not to find the other slightly annoying at times.

"Dyanli. I already told you, don't do that. "

His tone of voice changing slightly.

He sighed and slowly sat up, having the other get off him. He couldn't just snuggle up to Dyanli and watch tv... the other just had to make everything so...serious. He turned off the TV and looked at the other.

"What is it? What's killing you? What eating you huh? You wanna talk.. Then talk. I'll listen."

He muttered leaning back on the couch and staring down at his hands waiting for the other to start talking.

"Just say whatever you want. "

Whatever was making Dyanli so sad.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

Dylani could only hesitate when he was pulled away from his hiding spot.Something told him that if he spoke he would only find some way to insult or hurt his older lover.After a moment of silence he tried his best to reply." I just don't know if I'll actually get any better..."he admitted."When I was down here alone this thought kept popping up, the thought that I'll never get over this...I'll never have sex again, never gain any confidence. I'll just keep pushing away, I'll just keep running, I'll just keep telling myself that sex just isn't for me. The more frightening part is that I'm beginning to believe it." Without another word he pulled himself away from Jun and curled up on the other side of the couch."I know that I deserve this. I don't know how or why, but I know that I do."

[Sosuke0549]

Jun regretted asking the other what's wrong. Dyanli quickly got deep, serious, and depressing. He wasn't a consular so he wasn't sure what to say to the other. What could he said to make him more confident or happy or.. how to get over his problem. For once.. Jun couldn't help him.

He was getting a little sick of seeing Dyanli so upset...but what can he do? Every time he touches him the boy was scared, and time he pulled away he felt unloved.

"...then break up with me..."

He said, not looking at the other. He was frustrated.

"If you think all that and you think you don't deserve me then why am I here? "

He paused.

"Dyanli...I'm not perfect and neither are you, stop thinking I am. I was in a fucking gang for years, you thought I smiled and gave out candy? I beat the shit out of people, threatened them, destroy property and homes... even... even watched a girl or two getting ganged raped just like you. So.... you still think you don't deserve me? Get off your high horse and open your eyes. If there's any one who doesn't deserve you.. it's me. "

He sighed, still not looking at him.

"Stop talking about this ok... just go to your consular. I'm done talking about this. "

He stood, wanting to leave this conversation.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

Dylani felt even worse than before when Jun pulled away. How could he be so blind,so selfish. His lover had his problems too and he was trying his best to help. But it was apparent that he didn't know what to do. Jin was slowly getting sick of him. After a few moments of silence the blonde spoke up."Right,I'm sorry...I don't know what I was thinking to put this on you. I'll stop talking about it..."he said plainly, trying his best to keep his voice from cracking." You know what,just stay home tomorrow. I'll head off to therapy on my own. And you can go to bed on your own too. I think I'll just stay down here for a little bit to clear my head... I'll be up in a minute." It took all of his will not to break down then. He felt that Jun didn't need need to consul him now. He felt that his lover had enough of his whining.

[Sosuke0549]

"Right,I'm sorry...I don't know what I was thinking to put this on you. I'll stop talking about it..."[/Quote]

Jun bit his lip hearing the others voice crack. Dyanli was always so sensitive.

" You know what,just stay home tomorrow. I'll head off to therapy on my own. And you can go to bed on your own too. I think I'll just stay down here for a little bit to clear my head... I'll be up in a minute."[/Quote]

"Don't do that..."

He sighed mentally cursing himself. He went to reach out to Dyanli but stopped himself before touching him. He awkwardly put his hands in his pockets.

"Dyanli.."

He knew the other was about to break down again... all because of him.

"...We're going to say things to each other...that are going to hurt us...It's a given...were a couple..and I'm not sorry for what I said, I meant every word. You have to stop seeing yourself as worthless... you have to remember that I'm not all that pure...I'll leave you alone if you want but I'm going with you tomorrow..."

He shook his head and headed up the stairs with out saying another word.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

When being left alone the tears that had built up for so long finally began to fall. Jun did have a point, he knew that he did, but it was too hard to hear, too much for him not to think otherwise."I know that I'm worthless..." he told himself." None of this would be happening if it wasn't true. Jun wouldn't be so mad at me if it wasn't true...It's only a matter of time until he finds someone else. I can't blame him when he does..." With a defeated sigh the blonde trap laid on his side and closed his eyes. He found himself falling asleep. He felt so tired. He only wanted the night to end.

 

[The next afternoon]

 

Waiting outside Dr.Leblanc's office Dyanli could only look at the clock. The pair had been in their waiting room for only fifteen minutes and hadn't spoken a word to each other. The whole ride down they hadn't said a word to each other. Ever since he woke up that morning the trap just felt so drained, so anxious. What Jun said to him the night before still stuck with him, making him feel lower and lower the more he thought about it. With a soft sigh, he moved to hold on to his own forearms. Dyanli was dressed so...conservitivly. Nothing too tight or showing any skin. He just didn't want to be seen at the moment,never again.

[Sosuke0549]

Jun sat next to Dyanli as they waited for Dr.Leblanc. So far Dyanli hadn't spoken to him. Perhaps he was mad at him. What ever the case Jun didn't push it. He didn't speak either , and why should he ?

He glanced at his nervous boyfriend. He wondered why he was so anxious. He bit his lip looking away. He didn't even try to comfort him, because he'd either flinch at his touch, frightened, or pull away if he was angry with him.

 

When Dr.Leblancl finally entered the room, he sat up and introduced Dyanli and himself. Hopefully this man could help and fix Dyanli.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

Still holding on to his arms Dyanli could give a soft sigh when his boyfriend introduced him to the young woman that would serve as his counsellor. Dr.Leblanc gave a soft smile to the pair of them before taking a seat.

 

"It's a pleasure to finally meet the both of you. From what Dylani has told me from his appointment request, he has been having nightmares, triggers that go back to a recent traumatising incident, though he didn't specify what it was. Why don't we start by sharing what that incident was? Take as much time as you like, Dylani. There is no rush."

 

It took awhile for Dylani to gather his thoughts. He really wasn't ready to break down beside talking. It might've taken him awhile, but he was able to tell her what happened." I...I had been raped almost two weeks ago." he began." After running away from a fight with Jun I found myself in a unlit part of the city park...as I was walking four men surrounded me..,and took turns raping me for two hours..."

 

"I see...and you've been having nightmares because of this?"

 

"Well...yes,but every night the lead changes...whoever is raping me changes.At first, it was the lead thug, then an abusive ex, and then...it was Jun. I-I get so frightened when he tries to touch me. I..I just go through that night over and over again...It's just getting too much. I feel worthless...like this will happen again because I'm so weak..."

 

"You have been raped in the past? Has your partner been rough,or remind you of these events?"

 

"Yes...My last partner Kira forced himself on me all the time. And Jun...he's always been rough,it's just how he is. We just seem to hurt each other...I asked for Jun not to hold back and he tore me, and I just couldn't help but feel so weak every time we make love. With what's happened, I feel that I'll never be intimate with Jun again..I'll just get hurt or hurt him again..."

 

Dr.Leblanc did not say a word when the trap finished for she was too busy silently taking notes for what has been said so far. When she looked up her gaze moved to Jun.

 

"I see...Jun, have you tried to comfort Dylani through these nightmares or try to be a bit more gentle when trying to be intimate with Dylani? I can see that you do care for him by just being here. There are many partners that wouldn't be so willing to go to sessions like this. I have no real clue what you two have tried, and you don't need to tell me,but it would benefit all of us if I have some sort of gauge for this.

[Sosuke0549]

"I see...Jun, have you tried to comfort Dylani through these nightmares or try to be a bit more gentle when trying to be intimate with Dylani? I can see that you do care for him by just being here. There are many partners that wouldn't be so willing to go to sessions like this. I have no real clue what you two have tried, and you don't need to tell me,but it would benefit all of us if I have some sort of gauge for this.[/Quote]

Jun leaned back in his chair. He listened the entire time Dyanli talked, and when the counselor spoke to him he glanced up at her, his arms crossed.

"Yes and yes. "

He bit his lip, shaking his head for a moment .

"No matter what I say or do he gets upset. So naturally I've stopped trying. I'm constantly walking on egg shells because I don't know what could trigger him to make him cry. I comfort him. He cries. I love him. He cries. I leave him alone , he cries. Its so annoying and frustrating because I can't make him happy. "

He looked away.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

Listening to Jun the blonde could only look into his lap ashamed that he made him feel trapped. Looking back he really didn't give much chance for his lover to help him. He was just too...touchy the more he thought about it. Dylani wouldn't believe that he could feel any worse but just by listening he felt even more worthless than before. When the counsellor saw this she gave a glance over to the blonde before looking back to her notes.

 

"I suppose the two of you don't really communicate very well when it comes to your own emotions or truths. The two of you seem to keep so much from each other, letting that negative emotion build until you can't take it anymore. This behavior can be extremely toxic.If not treated it could end in self-harm, partner abuse, even suicide."

 

"I was afraid of that." he muttered weakly." I-I already went into a fit when Jun let the house after I pushed him away. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. T-This is all my fault..."

 

"Dylani, this situation is not your fault, it's not Jun's fault, it's no one's fault. You must learn how to let go, how to accept the reality of life when things don't go as you picture it. It isn't always on you. You have to be strong. You must learn to learn from your past and not to dwell on those hard times. You'll never get better or move on if you don't."

 

Letting out a soft sniff Dylani pulled his glance from his lap to then look over Dr.Leblanc. She really seemed to have a point. It was only a matter of time until this would all destroy him. He DID have to move on. For his lover's sake, and his own, he needed to learn from all of this and move on.He had to rub his eye free from tears before he spoke." It's going to be some time until I can move on. Mmph...." Giving a weary smile the counselor shook her head.

 

I promise that you can pull through this Dylani. You seem willing to try. If you just try, then you'll be able to recover from this. The both of you can. However, I suggest that the two of you spend time apart.

 

"S-Spend time apart? I don't know if I can be alone now...I-I really don't really know if I can do this..."

 

"You won't be alone. If you two choose to do this then it would be a good suggestion to stay with friends, only talking to each other for an hour a day. During the separation, you are able to see other people if you choose to. You will also see me separately to combat your personal demons. Once that's said and done you two will be able to come back together. This is only a suggestion, however. There are no requirements to do this. The sessions will be no charge if you do this."

 

Mulling over what the counsellor had just said the blonde trap soon glanced over to his older lover. Maybe separation would be best for them now. The two of them just needed to break away from each for awhile. It could get them to become even stronger together than before. After a moment Dylani placed his hand on Jun's shoulder and gulped." W-What do you think, Jun? I feel that this might be the best thing to do for us...It could help us a lot. I-I'm not sure why, but this could make us better. I-I love you Jun...I don't want to be afraid of you anymore..."

[Sosuke0549]

Jun sat and listened. He felt so trapped in his relationship. There wasn't love anymore... It all just felt like a prison to him. He was lost in thought, looking at the ground when Dyanli brought him back to reality with his touch. He sighed shrugging.

"Lets do it..."

A break... This was exactly what he needed. He didn't bother asking how long there break would be, and he secretly didn't really care. Yes he loved Dyanli but the boy knew exactly how to push his buttons and get under his skin. He was tired of struggling to be the perfect, sweet, and gentle boyfriend Dyanli wanted him to be. He missed being himself.

"When do we start. "

He said. His hand grasping Dyanli 's and holding it tightly wanting to reassure him that everything was going to be ok. He'd keep playing the role of the perfect boyfriend until they were separated on there break. Dyanli needed this... Needed someone so... He'd play the role everyday until his younger lover was at peace.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

Dr.Leblanc gave a simple nod before taking down her last notes. The trap was surprised, yet relieved that his older lover would go along with this. But if a break could help them, then why not try it? With a soft sigh, he held on to Jun' s hand before speaking up."Okay, we'll do it. I hope that this can help us...I do want to get started."

 

"I think tomorrow would be the best time to start. Spend the rest of the day making your arrangments and just have one more night together before you part ways. Just remember the conditions of this separation,and try to go along with your usual routines after you part ways."

 

"I don't think that I can thank you enough for this Dr.Leblanc...I do hope that this can work." Rising from her chair the counsellor shook her head.

 

"There really is no need to thank me. I'm only here to help you through this rough pact. I'll call the two of you later so you can schedule your separate appointments.Try to have a good day, and I'll see you soon."

 

Once the pair left the office Dylani could only breath a relaxed sigh before looking up towards his lover." Huh...that was easier than I thought...I guess I have some calls to make...I hope that Collie can take me in. Mmph...This is going to be very strange not being around you...But I know that this is for the best."

[Sosuke0549]

"Yeah."

He muttered softly , still holding the others hand as they left the office and hailed a taxi.

He'd most likely stay with Yagiri during there break.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Once they got home Jun went straight to the kitchen to grab a water, screwing the cap off and taking a swig before heading over to the couch to watch tv. After a few minutes he pulled out his phone to text a friend .

[JR_TheRandomFan]

When the pair got home Dylani found himself upstairs to make his calls. It was surprisingly easy to have Collie agree to letting him stay with him and a few other friends. The arrangement felt like the best fit since the rest of them were traps like himself. It wasn't until early that evening that the blonde came back down stairs. He silently came to Jun's side and sat down,keeping his hands in his lap." So...Have you gotten everything in order?" He asked after a moment." Are things going okay?"

[Sosuke0549]

Jun gave his partner a small smile when he came down and sat beside him. He looked down at his phone.

"I'm good. I have everything settled. "

He read a text message before putting his phone away. He then put his feet on the coffee table and leaned back continuing to watch tv.

"What about you? Are you ready ?"

[JR_TheRandomFan]

"Yeah,I'm ready." He said softly before laying back against the back of the couch. After that, the trap went silent. He wasn't sure what to say. The two of them would be parting ways for a while by tomorrow. There was so much that he wanted to get in before them, but he didn't want to make that suffocating feeling last any longer. Once he found those words he turned over to face him before speaking, placing a hand on his shoulder."I really am going to miss you, Jun...I know that this isn't the end, but it's going to be tough not to worry about you. An hour a day won't help. I do hope that this can help us...I really do."

[Sosuke0549]

Jun listened and nodded, his eyes falling to the ground. Perhaps this break is what they needed and in the end they'll be back together. Or ... The complete opposite happens, and they break up.

"We'll be ok"

Was all he said , but he wasn't really saying it to Dyanli , he was saying it to himself. Wanting to reassure himself because as of right now he was very doubtful.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

With what Jun had said the trap was hopeful, believing that this could work. But listening to his lover and seeing him drop his head made him think that those words were more for himself than for him. Slowly Dylani wrapped his arms around the man's waist and brought him into a tight hug."I think we will be okay..."He said softly."I get the feeling that we'll both be okay..."

[Sosuke0549]

The little time that they had flew by and before they knew it. It was time for them to go on there separate ways.

That morning Jun had packed a small bag with him. He didn't live too far from his friend so he wasn't going to bring much, and this was his apartment so He'd come any time he wanted. He gave Dyanli some money for a taxi after putting his bag on his motorcycle.

He clunched his helmet leaning on his bike as he looked at his boyfriend. This was it. It was time for him to leave.

"Your taxi should be here any minute so I'll be heading out now. "

He bit his lip looking at the other.

"I'll see you later.. Okay?"

He cupped the other cheek and kissed his lips. It was a small kiss, quick but soft.

"I'll text you when I get there...love you. "

He put on his helmet and hopped on his bike. Starting it up with a loud roar and driving off quickly - leaving Dyanli to stand in front of his apartment by himself.

[JR_TheRandomFan]

It was rather hard to say goodbye that morning. He knew that he would have to, and he was ready to do so, but something within him just didn't want to let go. As he stood in front of their apartment with all that he could pack, trying his best not to lock on to Jun with a tight hug. When his older lover kissed his lips the trap gave a slight sigh before giving him a quick hug." I love you too..." he replied softly." Try to be safe. I'll see you later..." And that was that. Dylani sadly watches his Jun ride away, leaving him alone. " I will change for you. It's a promise." It didn't take the taxi long to pull up. He would be traveling to another part of the city, a safer part. This break would be tough, but he knew that he had to do this.

[Sosuke0549]

Jun made it to his friends house with no problem, and the two of them hung out together - tossing his things in a spare room before playing video games and laughing. Jun had texted Dyanli when he got there but that was it. And he wouldn't be texting the boy much threw out there break. He really had no desire too.

Yagiri smirked at him as he took a sip of his soda.

"So whatever happened to your girl friend ?"

"Its complicated... But were on a break. "

"So does that mean your up for a little fun? Clubbing ? Maybe even get laid tonight ?"

Jun grinned.

"Ehh... I don't know..."

"Come on.. It'll be fun. When's the last time you had sex?"

Jun scratched his head sighing .

"Sex as in me actually enjoying it...its been a long time...."

"Sooooooo~"

"Ill go clubbing with you ... I don't know about the getting laid part."

"Alright fine. Fair enough. Lets go!"

Jun laughed - getting off the coach and grabbing his helmet. This was going to be fun!

[JR_TheRandomFan]

When Dylani finally made it to his friend's home he was greeted by a tight hug and a light pat on the back before being lead inside. It had been some time since he and the other trap, named Dorian, had even seen each other. It was pretty welcoming to see that he kept the same bright green hair he always did. Once the blonde was settled they simply sat and chatted, catching up on what each had missed in each other's lives.

 

"So, you and Jun are on a break by recommendation from your counselor?"

 

Setting his mug down Dylani gave a single nod." That's the long and short of it. Things have just gone downhill. It's been like that for a long time. I can only hope that this break will help. I don't want to be a burden anymore..."

 

"Hm, well I'm glad that I can help you, Dy. It's been too long, and it really seems like you need your friends right now. So here's what's gonna go down. I called the lassies and they're well on their way here so we can have one of our classic night's in, for ol' time's sake."

 

"You know, that sounds pretty great right about now. Anything to get my mind off of Jun and everything else."

 

"That's the spirit. Head on up to the bathroom and relax in the tub. You have some time. Just try to calm yourself."

 

"Thanks...I won't be too long." Once Dylani was on his way upstairs he checked his phone to find that Jun had made it safely. There was an urge to text back, but he just wasn't propelled to even try." I think he's heard enough of me for now..." he told himself." Besides, I'll only just find myself hurt if I talk to him." He was sure that his lover was out there, finally free to do whatever he pleased. He wondered Jun would even remember him. He wouldn't blame him if he did forget. He would've too.