New Beginnings (Zombie and Exellda) [18+]

[Exellda]

Daniel felt at ease in Jonathan's presence. He liked the lightheartedness of it all. The conversation seemed to come to him easily, as if he already knew what to say... He didn't know how Jonathan did it, but Daniel warmed up to him quickly and easily. It was almost scary. Yet Daniel didn't feel afraid. No, quite the opposite. What was nice was the fact that Jonathan seemed to be just as comfortable with him as he was with him. A soft smile formed on his lips and he might have hallucinated this, but he could have sworn his heart skipped a beat when Jonathan mentioned that he might 'surprise' him more often...

 

A soft chuckle left Daniel at Jonathan's comment. However he quickly shut up once he felt Jonathan's lips on his. Damn he liked how soft Jonathan's lips were. Because of his blindness he felt like he could sense and feel things better, like he was more in tuned with his senses, with the exception of his blindness of course. He could feel Jonathan smile against him, followed by him shifting and then he felt his beard bristling against his neck. The sensation both tickled Daniel's neck and made him tingle too. "Hah, but if it makes you laugh, I think it's worth it." There was no such thing as personal space apparently between then right now, Daniel didn't mind it at all.

 

Then Jonathan... Bought up his blindness. Daniel was not use to people being so direct with him, unless it was his father- whom would abuse him while antagonizing him about his blindness. Everything seemed to freeze up for Daniel, he became tense. "Jonathan..." He said softly as he tried to attempt to get his thoughts together. What could he say? Well there was only one thing so say really... Daniel wanted to be honest with Jonathan. "I... haven't really looked into it. I don't want to get my hopes up. I would rather be oblivious than to... I'm afraid that even if there is a cure... I guess I am scared that it wouldn't work for me... Plus, I mean..." Daniel drifted of slightly, shifting and lowing himself. He was 'looking' at Jonathan right then but not seeing him. "I couldn't afford it, even if I wanted to." He admitted.

 

The blind male sighed softly, obviously a little sensitive about the topic but nonetheless, he still wanted to talk. "You have know idea what it would mean to me..." Daniel said, extending his hand towards Jonathan's face, but ending up hitting his chest instead. So Daniel slid his hand up slowly, towards Jonathan's face and finally cupping his cheek. "You have know idea what it would mean to me to be able to see. I want to see the wonderful colors people talk about. I want to see the glorious sky. Rainbow sunsets. I want to see what I look like... I want to see you." Daniel said softly as his thumb brushed Jonathan's cheek.

 

"To be honest I hated myself for the longest time... Because I was blind. Regardless of my father's input, maybe he influenced me, but I really did hate myself. That was one reason I did self harm. I even had to see a therapist for a couple years. Honestly, I thought it was a waste of time... But, if there was one thing that I learned... Something that stuck with me all of these years..." Daniel said, thinking back to his past. He could remember the therapist's voice as he recalled what was said back then. "I remember asking, when I was really upset and distraught... I asked her 'how can anyone love me when I am blind?' I remember shaking and crying..." And as Daniel said it, his hand was even shaking slightly. "And the therapist said something that I always try to remember, even at my darkest moments. She said, 'It's going to be okay Daniel, you know why?' I shook my head, no, and then said continued, 'Because love is blind. And because you're blind, that means you're in touch with what is real and what is not real. You can tell easier than many other people.' That's what she said." Daniel spoke softly.

 

A soft sigh escaped Daniel. "I asked her, 'How do I know what is real?' and her response was what I think made me feel better, even if it was slightly. She said that I would be able to feel it. She placed her hand over my heart-" Daniel found Jonathan's hand with his free hand and brought it up to his chest, right over his heart, "And told me that I would be able to feel it here..." Daniel paused for a moment. "So..." He cleared his voice, "Going back to your question... I would... Like to see..." He shrugged, "There might be a cure, but I wouldn't know nor could I afford it, Jonathan... No matter how much I would like to see you- let alone everything else... I mean, I'd like to be honest with you." Daniel said and then suddenly stopped talking as he released Jonathan's cheek and placed his hand over his other hand- which were now both over Jonathan's hand over his heart. He hands were still shaking slightly.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan bit down on his lip nervously, feeling Daniel get tense. He fucked up, didn't he? Still, the other began speaking. He was glad the younger male was willing to share such personal matters with him, but he still felt bad about making him do that. Then again... Talking about one's problems usually made it easier to go through them. Perhaps if he actually opened up about all of his problems, his life would become better, easier, but the thing was... He really couldn't get himself to open up just yet. Not even to himself. He was still scared.

 

He could feel goosebumps appearing on his skin when his cheek was touched. Daniel's hands were so soft... And yet what he was talking about was so sad. It wasn't fair that a person could not have enough money to be able to use all of his senses. It didn't make sense. Jonathan didn't even know what to say, or if he should say anything at all, but he knew he would be searching for ways... At least to know it was possible for Daniel to see something. He was sure the eyesight alone would be enough for any money spent.

 

"I'm really glad you had someone while you were thinking that." Jonathan muttered softly, gently taking both of the blind male's hands into his own, hoping to still their shaking. "You really are amazing... You made it through so much and you haven't broken down." He smiled slightly, leaning close to press a gentle, soft kiss to his forehead. "I don't know how much this would help, but I promise I won't leave you, okay?" He chuckled, letting go of his hands to cup both of his cheeks gently, his gaze holding love and softness, even though Daniel couldn't see them. Maybe one day he could.

 

"I doubt that what I feel right now is love, but I think it's something close. I really like you... I hate to see you in pain, in any kind of pain." Jonathan said quietly, but honestly. He still loved his wife, too. What he felt for Daniel could be called the beginning of love. It would take time to actually bloom, though. "I'll try to always be honest with you. You can ask me whatever you want, I'll give you the best answer I can think of. You can always be sure that I care about you a lot, though. Do I make any sense?" He laughed quietly, a bit nervous for whatever reason. Daniel told him so much and he could barely muster up a few words. Really, where did he not fail?

[Exellda]

A small, sad smile formed on Daniel's face as Jonathan spoke, trying to comfort him. The blind male really appreciated Jonathan's efforts to comfort him. Really, he couldn't thank him enough. Daniel was sure he hadn't been this happy in a long time. He was also sure he hadn't felt his heart race for someone like this before. It felt so nice to reach out to someone. Daniel often felt very weak and lonely... He didn't want to burden Jonathan... However he couldn't ignore the fact that Jonathan said quite the opposite and offered to 'never leave him' as he took his hands into his own after kissing his forehead. Jonathan calmed him surprisingly well.

 

Truly baffled. Daniel couldn't ask for much more, let alone anyone else right now. Jonathan, right at that moment, even if Daniel didn't know it yet, became the most important person to him. Jonathan was telling him things he hadn't even known his ears had longed to hear. Words that were tender and comforting... And offered so many promises... This made Daniel slightly afraid. He worried that Jonathan would say all these nice things to him, and then go back on his promises... He was so scared that Jonathan would leave him. Daniel wasn't as strong as Jonathan said he was. Sure, he had gotten most of his life together by now... But Jonathan didn't know how hard and how long it took Daniel to even get this far.

 

Practically all Daniel's life, he had to fend for himself, fight to survive... And there were many times he just wanted to give up... And now, he was sitting right in front of a man who, though they had different problems to overcome, he could help. Someone who still had a heart. Someone who didn't feel cold, heartless on the inside. Someone who still had a lot of love to share. And whilst Jonathan made him really, unbelievably happy... Half of Daniel just couldn't accept the fact that Jonathan would give him so much when he felt like he had nothing to give him in return... He could only be there for Jonathan.

 

At the mention of the word 'love' and followed by the word 'like'- It just triggered Daniel. He could just cry over how happy and miserable Jonathan just made him feel all at once. For Jonathan's sake, he wanted to believe he was strong. He didn't want to cry in front of him. He wanted to give the illusion that everything was okay, that he was okay... But he wasn't. Daniel wanted to call Jonathan out for lying to him. He wouldn't stay... Everyone left Daniel, albeit eventually... But how Jonathan said it, made his heart hurt, beat in a manner that he was unfamiliar with. And all Daniel could think was: Don't leave me... Please, please don't ever leave me... Daniel couldn't help but to feel very greedy about it.

 

That's when Daniel pushed against Jonathan's hand gently, leaning forward and almost literally face-planted into Jonathan's chest. Daniel could feel tears swelling. He mentally curse, wishing they would stop, but he knew they wouldn't... He wanted to say Jonathan was lying to him... But he couldn't form the words. He just couldn't. Jonathan... He was so seemingly honest that Daniel wanted to believe him. The blind male wanted to believe that the other male wouldn't lie to him. That he would always treat him with kindness and honesty. Jonathan made more sense than Daniel wanted to confirm. "Guess I am not as strong as you thought..." He whispered, wishing he could sound cheerful again and joke about it.

 

Maybe the whole reason he hurt so much... was because Daniel had never really felt loved before...

 

But he had to be honest... "I think you're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me... I hope you really meant all of the things you just said, because you made a lot of sense to me and I..." Daniel slouched slightly, he voice becoming quieter as he suddenly sniffled. "I don't want to be a burden for you..."I know I am a burden to you... "And even though we are just now getting to know each other... I've never felt this way about anyone... And I'm scared..." So scared... Daniel moved his hand up, both lightly shaking again. He was scared to admit that he might actually like Jonathan... So soon, so easily, that it wasn't right.

 

"I really like you too, Jonathan..."

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan's heart fluttered, in slight shock and fear when Daniel's head made contact with his chest. Was that intentional or?.. Shaking his head off the thought, he brought his arms back around his body, gently running one hand over his short hair. "No, I still think you're strong. Just as I did five minutes ago. Just as I will five years later." He murmured softly, gently beginning to rock his body, hoping to soothe and calm him, almost like one would do with a child. He couldn't count how many times he'd held his girls like this. So tenderly, so lovingly... And now Daniel was in his arms too. Protected from danger, safe from harm and sadness. At least that was what he hoped to achieve.

 

As Daniel spoke, Jonathan's eyes widened. That... He really didn't deserve those words. His lips parting, the man looked away, his grip around the younger only tightening. "You'll never be a burden for me. People are never a burden. Those who think otherwise don't deserve to be called humans." He muttered firmly, yet quietly. For once, he was thankful that Daniel was blind, because when he looked up, Jonathan still couldn't get himself to look at the other. He was ashamed of himself. He was ashamed of his thoughts, but mostly of how much he was hiding... And would continue to hide. Because he was weak. He was afraid to reveal his past, his mistakes. His failures.

 

"Please, stop crying... I'm going to cry too if you don't." He chuckled, trying to brush off the heavy atmosphere. One of his hands rose up to his eye, brushing off the collecting tears there. He knew there were times like that with his wife, too, but when was the last time he felt so connected with that woman? This didn't make sense. It was insane, that a man he'd only met a few days ago would mean more to him than the woman he agreed to marry, the woman he had children with, the woman with whom he had a life... That he then ruined.

 

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" He asked softly, gently running his fingers through his hair again. He felt pretty helpless at the moment. He felt like he was only making the situation worse... He made everything worse. He screwed up everything.

[Exellda]

The blind male liked listening to the taller male's soothing words. They more comforting coming from him than anyone else... Yet Daniel still felt slightly uneasy. Wow, did he just hear that right? Jonathan mentioned five years..? Oh god... It kind of hurt for Daniel to think about. He hadn't even had a friendship last that long... So for Jonathan to say that he would be around five years... Maybe even longer... Was like a dream for Daniel. Hell, it felt like a dream right now- as Jonathan pulled him closer into a comforting embrace. Daniel could just melt from the warm radiating from Jonathan's body...

 

The other male was so comforting with his words... If Jonathan was lying through his teeth, Daniel would admit he was believing every word. It made him happy to the point that it hurt. And it seemed, as Daniel listened to Jonathan, he realized that the other male probably would need more reassurance. If Jonathan wanted to help him, Daniel wanted to do the same. As he spoke, Daniel could almost sense Jonathan's uneasiness... It wouldn't surprise Daniel if he wasn't confident or comfortable enough to talk about himself so openly yet. Daniel had to learn the hard way- and it was very hard for Daniel to express his feelings because he had bottled them up for so long...

 

Daniel sniffled as the other male wiped his eyes in an attempt to dry them. He felt thankful to have such a caring person looking over him. He shook his head slightly, "Have you thought that it might actually be good for you to cry?" Daniel asked softly, closing his eyes and breathing slower as he calmed himself. He really should control his emotions better... "I wouldn't judge you... I hope that one day you can sit next to me and hold nothing back. Just tell me what's on you're mind, you know?" He said softly. Because after all, Daniel couldn't see Jonathan, he would never see him... So to make up for his lack of sight Daniel wanted to invest in all of the other senses. "Just be you... Whatever makes you comfortable." He said finally, not wanting Jonathan to feel pressured to talk about something when he was not ready.

 

It was very inconvenient in Daniel's opinion... He felt that his handicap disabled him, stopped him from enjoying most of the things in life. He snaked his arms around Jonathan, hugging him back as he pressed his left cheek to Jonathan's chest. "I don't even know what to say... You've already done enough... Just from comforting me... I'm sorry if this is awkward for you..." The blind male slowly pulled away, leaving the comforting warmth of Jonathan's body. Daniel actually scoots over, leaving about six inches between them. Daniel's head tilted slightly and his eyes opened, crystal blue staring at nothing. He was sort of 'looking' at the ground below his feet. "Thank you for having me over though..." He said, almost sounding robotic. "It was really nice of you... To you know, have me over and such." He said in the same manner his father taught him when he was a young boy. Although, through time became slightly casual.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan wasn't lying. Or, at least he wanted to believe he wasn't. Not when he said 'in five years'. He didn't want to lose Daniel. He barely knew the man and he already felt so connected. Daniel would bring something into his life, he was sure of it. Joy or sadness, he wasn't sure, but it would be important. It would be something big, something that would change so much. He was afraid of getting that change. The last change in his life left him scarred and terrified. He wasn't ready for another change, but he wanted one as well. His life was too damn complicated and messy. He was too damn complicated and messy. Mostly messy. Broken. Depressed. Addicted to all the wrong things. His thoughts kept going back to the bad things. To the bad memories. To the bad feelings. He didn't want it, but he couldn't escape. Who knew if he would ever be able to.

 

"It might be good to cry, but if I start, I won't be able to stop. I'll drown in a salty lake of my own tears." Jonathan laughed quietly, just trying to keep himself together for now. His smile trembled as Daniel continued speaking, heart clenching. He didn't really know what he was anymore. His wife and kids left with a huge chunk of him. He didn't feel like he was whole, he felt wounded and close to death. Hell, he was close to death. Suicide seemed like the best way out of this hell right now, even if he would most likely just go to another hell after death. He wasn't really a believer in God, but he had a feeling that if there was something waiting in the afterlife, it would not be good.

 

"Awkward? No... This was everything but awkward." Jonathan said quickly, a small shiver running down his spine as Daniel pulled away. It didn't feel good to not feel the warmth anymore. His eyebrows furrowed slightly when the other spoke. His emotions didn't seem real. Or, rather, there were no emotions. "I..." He gulped down, looking away. He couldn't bear to see Daniel 'looking' at him. Even if he couldn't really see, Jonathan felt like he was being judged. "Do you want me to take you home now?" He asked quietly, his hands trembling slightly. He could feel another sleepless night coming. He just hoped he wouldn't relapse again. He didn't want to. He almost felt proud of himself for going to rehab, and he wasn't doing that bad for now, but if he ruined it now he wouldn't get back on his feet. Ever.

 

"Or... If you don't want me to lead you, I could call you a cab." He suggested, feeling as if there were hands on his throat, suffocating him, slowly but surely. Both of them were broken, that was for sure, but while Daniel was probably done breaking, Jonathan was still cracking. He wasn't getting better. He could lie to himself and others, say that he was doing better, but he was so, so far away from that. He couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Either it wasn't there at all, or he stopped going to soon. Either way, each step was becoming harder and harder to take. He wasn't sure which one would be the last, but it wouldn't take long. He either had to see the light or he would give up. Only time would tell which one would come first.

[Exellda]

"Sometimes it is best to just let it out... Besides, I wouldn't let you drown..." He said softly. Daniel felt bad that Jonathan was almost in that dark place that he was some time ago. Alas, the blind male could never see his pain, only sense it. Most of all, Daniel want Jonathan to talk about his pain on his own terms. He wouldn't force Jonathan out of his comfort-zone... Although, sometimes that's exactly what certain people needed. Yet, even if Daniel wanted to help Jonathan, he didn't know the other male enough... Where could he start? It hurt him to know someone else who was hurting... Ever since he got help, he felt the need to help people too. It was just... Very hard for Daniel to do so...

 

Just sitting next to Jonathan, Daniel could sense his uneasiness. For a second the blind man wasn't sure why the other male was uneasy... But he caught on once he fully realized that he had detached himself from Jonathan. "I suppose I'll never get to anyone's kindness. Sorry if I'm a little off-putting sometimes because that's the way my father raised me." He explained. "Kind of like cutting the conversation short or being curt, even if I don't want it to be... I also have an irrational fear that I am bothersome and a nuisance for those around me, somewhat because of how my father raised me to believe, but mostly because of my blindness." He huffed, "And you can say that I don't bother you... But, the fear is still there... And I don't know if it will ever change. I'm working on it though." Daniel tried to explain why he had reacted the way he had, hoping Jonathan could somehow understand.

 

"I... would always prefer to be escorted home, even if I am angry at you. Being with someone I somewhat know compared to a stranger is better in my opinion. Although if you're busy, or if that is a burden for you, or even if you simply do not wish to walk me home... I'll accept a cab." Daniel's hands rubbed together nervously without him even thinking about it. The blind male usually played with the pocket knife he had in his pocket, his favorite knife... But he didn't think Jonathan would appreciate him playing with a blade for two good reasons: one, being that he was blind, and two... It was his favorite cutting blade. Daniel was trying to get out of the habit, but he hadn't come up with what he could do instead. Something to preoccupy his hands with. The blind male knew that if he played with the blade long enough he might cut himself, more or less on purpose.

 

"Don't feel pressured to take me home, nor to even be around me if you don't really want to... I won't be mad at you for being honest. And..." There was silence from Daniel as he paused, brows furrowed, as he thought about what he really wanted Jonathan to know... It was then that he realized his hands were fidgeting. Balling his hands into fists, Daniel chose to speak up again. "All I really want is your honesty... I can't tell if you're lying to me. I can't see your pain. I can't do many things, Jonathan. I'm not anything special. There's only so much I can do to help you- and believe me, I want to help but... I'm not a professional, I can't do many things- especially many normal things. I'm just some guy who's blind. I have no right to be in your presence and yet... Here I am." Daniel ended up shifting in the opposite direction, facing away from Jonathan.

 

He just couldn't help the overwhelming feeling he had right then. There was a little more that he wanted to express... "Being with you right now, and with everything that we've talked about in such short time... I just can't help but feel that there's something connecting us... A part of me thinks this is some cruel fantasy while the other part of me believes that I've finally found some kind of happiness and hope. I don't care that you're broken or that you're going through your own problems... I like you, Jonathan. I just have an unexplained pull towards you." Daniel blurted, not hesitating in the least while saying it. "I didn't want to believe it because I was afraid, but it's true... I understand if you don't feel that way towards me..." He could feel his stomach twist in a knot as he said that. What if he had mistaken Jonathan's kindness for an act of romantic advances..?

 

"I'm sorry that I sound like a broken record... All I want is two things... Just be honest with me and please be my friend..." Daniel said, sounding slightly desperate. He really was scared of everything, wasn't he? He was afraid of getting close, yet at the same time now that he met Jonathan, all he wanted to do was get close... Daniel didn't want to play this silly game with his feelings. He want it to be different this time. He wanted to express his feelings more. He would be just as honest as Jonathan, or at least he would try to be. The blind male was afraid of losing Jonathan even though they just met. He was afraid that he was pushing the other male away from him. He was scared. He was shaking softly. He was scared... He was afraid of his own feelings. He was so damn scared... of the darkness...

 

Daniel was terrified that he could lose it all.

 

Right then he felt alone. As if Jonathan wasn't even there. There was nothing. Nothing existed. The blind male felt numb in that instance. The world was so dark. So unbearably lonely... He couldn't feel anything. He couldn't hear anything either. "W-where are you?" Daniel called out when he extended his hand, wanting to know that Jonathan was nearby. However, when he did so, Daniel had totally forgotten that he was facing the wrong way. So when he reached for Jonathan, he felt nothing. As a result, the blind male visibly stiffed as he let out a gasp. "Jonathan..?" Daniel managed to choke out Jonathan's name. In that instant all he could think was that Jonathan had left him... "Please come back..." Reality was seeming like it was actually a dream, as if none of this actually happened... Daniel could feel tears stinging his eyes. "I'm s-so sorry..." He said, as if it was all hopeless and he would wake up in just a moment.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Daniel wouldn't let him drown? Jonathan almost laughed out loud. He was already drowning, just barely keeping his head above the water long enough to breathe in. He could feel tears pooling at his eyes as Daniel continued speaking. Shit, life was really unfair. Daniel was so nice, so amazing... He didn't deserve the crap he went through. Jonathan couldn't get himself to move, to offer a comforting touch, he couldn't do anything. He was frozen. Just like that. Useless, useless once again. He couldn't do anything, he couldn't say something, he was just so weak. His lower lip trembled slightly, and again he found himself glad that Daniel couldn't see.

 

"Of course I'll take you home." He choked out, his voice bearing the smallest tremble, barely noticeable. Jonathan was worried that Daniel wouldn't want to be near him, that he was too messed up to be around. It would never be the other way around. Unless, of course, Jonathan decided himself he was too bad for Daniel. That was bound to happen at some point. Screw that, it was already happening.

 

When Daniel turned his back to him, Jonathan could swear he felt something in him crack. For a split moment he choked up, feeling as if his chest was squeezed too tightly to breathe in, his lungs disappearing entirely. It didn't feel right, he didn't like this, he wanted to see Daniel's face again, but-... He couldn't. Daniel's words managed to pull him out of his state for a bit, only to slam back into him at double the force. Jonathan felt like he was being burned from the inside. He couldn't do this. This was too much for him. Too many emotions. Too many feelings. Too many words. All of it was making his head spin, hurt, his muscles freeze and clench up, he felt like he was about to puke, and even though he was sitting on a couch he felt like the ground was slipping from his feet. He couldn't.

 

When Daniel began calling out for him, it was his breaking point. His body seemed to turn against him as he desperately tried to stand up, in the process pushing the couch slightly, signalling that he was indeed still there... But not for long. He genuinely felt sick. This was too much, too much, too much. "I can't." He found himself whispering as he crouched down on the floor, just a few feet away from the couch. He gripped onto his hair, pulling on it harshly to get himself out of it. The tears he tried to desperately to hold in were rolling down his cheeks, into his beard, some dripping on his sweater. He was so scared, and he wasn't even sure what he was scared of. He was just terribly scared. So much that he couldn't think, he couldn't move, he could only whisper that he couldn't over and over again with tears staining his face. While it wasn't entirely Daniel's fault, and Jonathan certainly wasn't going to blame him, it was simply too much. He was on the verge of getting violent and he didn't want that the most. He didn't want to hurt Daniel, even though he probably did already.

[Exellda]

Everything seemed to be crashing down, buring all at once. Daniel could sense it, feeling it and hear it. It hurt him inside out. But Daniel had to be strong, especially right now. The settlemovement Jonathan had made snapped him back into reality. So this wasn't a horrid nightmare! Jonathan was real! He was actually here... But... Daniel still felt like shit, even more so. Had he pressed this too far? Jonathan probably wasn't ready. Why did he even bother? Why was he in such a rush to get to know a guy he did not even know... Why did he feel so strongly for a man he just met. Why?

 

That's all Daniel could think about... Besides the fact that he felt like he just made everything worse. Maybe he should have kept his insecurity to himself... Maybe he should have felt around for Jonathan a little bit more? Be cause now... Oh no... Now Daniel's stomach churned uneasily... He was sure he fucked up. He could hear Jonathan's movements, quiet, but nothing that Daniel could not hear. Excellent hearing came with the expense of his lack of vision. He simply had to do something... It was his fault after all. He had to fix Jonathan, before the man lost himself... Maybe he should have let the man go while he still had a chance... "Jonathan..?" Daniel said, the other male's name coming out in an uttered whisper, soft and gentle.

 

The blind male had to suck it up for now, especially if he wanted to help this man. So Daniel quickly wiped away any tears he had, sniffed, and then shifted his direction towards the sounds of distraught. Nerves held him there for a moment as he did not know what state of mind Jonathan was in. Maybe he should not touch him? Oh... But Daniel really wanted to apologize and comfort the taller male. Maybe he shouldn't, but Daniel let his insticts take him, guiding him towards the other male, literally blind. Callused hands felt along the couch in search for the other male, albiet Daneil knew Jonathan was not on the couch... He wanted to get as close as he could without causing him anymore harm. "Jonathan..?" Daniel called out again, softer still. He felt useless... "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to- I didn't mean for this to happen..." He said as he lowered himself next to the couch, still slowly moving toward Jonathan.

 

Reaching out carefully, Daniel's palm makes contact with the taller male's shoulder first. Relieved that the other male did not swat him away yet, Daniel procceded to move closer. "Hey... Hey there big guy." Daniel said softly, almost emphasizing that he was intending to do no harm. He allowed his hands to slide gently up, cupping Jonathan's cheeks. He could tell that tears had fallen from his eyes, and Daniel felt even worse. He felt like he pushed to far and now... Jonathan was crumbling before him... And Daniel felt like he could not save him no matter how badly Daniel wanted to help. "Jonathan... Please..?" Daniel was not quite sure what he was asking for, but the words just sort of came out on thier own.

 

His hands snaked up, brushing through Jonathan's hair until they bumped into his hands. Daniel's breath caught in his throat. "Hey now... There's no need for any of that. It's okay, I've got you. I won't let you crumble any further. Please don't hurt yourself..." Daniel asked, frowning. Oh how his heart hurt as he touched the other male. He dared to put his hands over Jonathan's shaking hands. "Please... Hold my hands instead of pulling on your hair. Squeeze me as hard as you like, I don't want you to hurt anymore." Daniel would rather take Jonathan's pain than let him bare it alone. "Let me shoulder some of your pain. I can handle it. I know what it is like to struggle all by yourself... Please place some trust in me... I..." Daniel shook his head regretably, "I never meant to harm you more than whenwe started... I only want to help you... And you can help me. I can apologize enough for making you fall apart like this. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have overracted. Come back to me, and allow me to comfort you somehow... Just tell me what you want." Daniel pleaded softly, hoping that Jonathan would talk to him.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan's body quivered as his name was called out. He couldn't respond, his body was frozen in horror. His hands just kept on pulling on his hair, tighter and tighter, until it felt like he would end up pulling them out. His eyes were squeezed closed, his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip, efficiently making it bleed, in several places at once. He may not cut himself, but ways like this to hurt himself were just as bad. Then again, he didn't always have breakdowns like this.

 

His whole body jumped as his shoulder was touched, his fingers digging deep into his scalp, his teeth digging into his lip. The tears never really stopped rolling down his cheeks, even with his eyes closed so tightly. Feeling Daniel's hands on his own, the man took in a sharp breath, his body shuddering violently. "I-... I don't want to end-.... End up hurting you..." He whispered, quietly, his voice just as shaky as his body was. Instead of taking Daniel's hands, his hands just pulled harsher on his hair. He had to get himself back together. Somehow. He didn't want to fall apart.

 

Jonathan slowly opened his eyes, fear and horrible sadness in them. He breathed deeply through his nose, slowly falling from his feet to his knees, so that he was kneeling down rather than crouching. It took him over ten minutes to actually calm himself down. His hands fell down at his sides, his head leaning down until his forehead pressed up against Daniel's shoulder. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." He whispered, the only things left from his breakdown being slight trembling and tears, which soon ended up wetting Daniel's shirt. "I don't want to hurt you. I can't. I won't hurt anyone else." He continued, his voice just a hoarse whisper. He seemed to be broken completely. He gave up. Jonathan's shoulders slumped slightly, his bleeding lower lip trembling.

 

"Don't leave me." The soft plea left his lips. This was something he was terrified of. He found someone he was pulled to so much. He couldn't lose Daniel. He fucked up. He deserved to lose him, but he didn't want to. He couldn't. He wouldn't take it. "I'm... Please, please, just stay with me." He begged brokenly, his fears obvious even without seeing him. His voice was drenched in fear and regret, even if it was just a whisper. He felt pathetic for being this way. He felt pathetic for letting Daniel see him like this. It was terrible. He should've kept it to himself. He shouldn't have made Daniel see him like this. Like such a failure. He truly, truly hated himself.

[Exellda]

The blind male could feel the tension from Jonathan. He wished that he could see the pain on his face, he could only sense it. Daniel felt really bad for him, and to think that he only wanted to make it better. It seemed that Jonathan's hands only gripped his hair tighter despite Daniel's request for him to do otherwise. So Daniel decided to have a change of plans. He would have to come up with a different tactic. But first, he would let the other male cool off. Daniel felt like Jonathan might fall apart if he was not careful. That was the last thing he wanted to happen. "You're not hurting me..." Daniel uttered softly, although he knew what Jonathan was implying.

 

It took more than ten minutes for Jonathan to calm down. And during that ten minutes, Daniel had done a couple of things. His hands brushed the other male's cheeks, seeking out any and every tear that fell. It hurt him to know that Jonathan was crying, and that he felt like he was the cause of his tears... Although, Daniel bet that Jonathan would say otherwise. Crystal blue eyes stared right at Jonathan even though they saw nothing. He blinked slowly, leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss upon Jonathan's cheek. "I'm here for you." And then he would kiss the other cheek, repeating the same phrase. "I've got you." He cooed softly.

 

For Daniel, ten minutes seemed like a long time, but he would do it again if it meant that he was helping Jonathan. When the taller male started to move, Daniel moved with him. He wanted to be there for him. Daniel had released Jonathan's cheeks to allow him to move. Much to his relief, he felt Jonathan's forehead against his shoulder. Daniel took this new position in stride, actually -and oddly- happy that Jonathan would lean on him. "Why are you apologizing?" He huffed, "It's okay to cry, Jonathan. I feel kind of bad, like I kind of pushed you into a corner and made you cry... So if anything, I feel like I should be apologizing..." Daniel admitted, as he was thinking about that earlier. They were both broken people. But it would seem that Daniel was in way better shape, currently, than Jonathan.

 

The blind male bit his lip nervously, reaching his hands up and wrapping his arms around Jonathan's neck. It was a gentle embrace, but it was one that warmed Daniel from the inside out. Something about this man just made him feel oddly complete. One hand rubbed Jonathan's back whle the other made its way into Jonathan's hair. He tangled his fingers into his soft hair. "I won't leave... I plan to stay... For as long as you'll have me..." He paused, and then smiled, "Oh and before I forget... H-Hey now... Jonathan, you can't pull your hair out. You're not old enough to bald yet and I so happen to like the way your hair feels. So I am now prohibiting you from pulling your hair out." Daniel said softly, jokingly. He hoped Jonathan would appreciate it. "I'm sorry, I'm probably very lame at cheering you up."

 

Daniel then nuzzled his nose into Jonathan's hair, sniffing it -mostly out of curiosity and wanting to know what shampoo the other male used. He started to sway his body again, feeling that Jonathan liked it when he did that the first time. "I really could hold, cuddle you all day- You're like, the best stuffed, biggest teddy bear that I've ever had." A light blush formed on his cheeks. "Er- I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you're very huggable... And I... Really like how- Oh wow, this is going to sound very... shallow- But I like your tallness and the strength you have. You're not awkward nor scrawny like I am. You like one of those... Attractive men that I hear women gush over in magazines... Or at least, based on what they say, I think you feel that way." A small embarrassed chuckle escapes Daniel, still a light blush playing on his cheeks. He was trying to cheer Jonathan up... And the best way, in Daniel's opinion, was just to be honest... And be slightly funny.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

If it wasn't for Daniel's touches and gentle words, it would have taken Jonathan a whole lot more time to calm down. Feeling his tears being wiped off over and over, though, it managed to bring him back from his state of mind. Still, even though he wasn't hurting Daniel, that didn't mean it would always stay that way. No, at one point, he could end up going over the line. He could end up hitting the other. If that ever happened... He wouldn't be able to forgive himself. He wouldn't be able to ever look at Daniel and not remember that horrid moment. He could barely look at his brother anymore. Jonathan knew the man had scars from his mindless attacks by now. They weren't that big or horrible, but they were still scars. Wounds bad enough to leave scars, wounds that were caused by him.

 

Jonathan was so deep in his thoughts again that when Daniel's arms wrapped around his neck, the man jumped. His eyes watered again, tears continuing to roll down his already wet cheeks at the soft gesture. He pressed his forehead a little bit harder into the younger's shoulder as fingers tangled into his hair, a quiet sob slipping past his lips at the joke. He would've laughed if he didn't feel so horrible about himself and what he would've done had he not stopped himself.

 

Only when Daniel began swaying their bodies did Jonathan move slightly, loosely wrapping his arms around Daniel's waist. The motion soothed him, just like it would a child after a nightmare. He wished this was only a nightmare. His hug tightened slightly as Daniel continued speaking, his face hidden from the outside world. "I don't have any strength left." He muttered, his voice weak. "Physical strength doesn't mean shit anymore. I'm weak. I can't even set you free, although..." There he swallowed down, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat, "Although you deserve that." He finished quietly, unable to pull away. "I'm only going to ruin your life. You don't need me. No one needs me. If I-... If I had the courage, I'd just kill myself." He admitted in a broken whisper, though his shaking body proved how much he feared that. He couldn't even cut himself, though... Jumping off a bridge wouldn't be that scary, right? Or drinking a deadly amount of pills. That kind of death could be committed even by such a coward as himself.

 

No, it wasn't the act of killing himself that he was scared of the most. He was terrified of what would come next. Would it be nothing? Would it be Heaven, or Hell? Would he be reborn? He didn't know what was waiting for him "on the other side". Jonathan wasn't ready to find out. "You could just run away from me. It would be best if you did that. Just forget I exist." He said this, but his grip was too tight for Daniel to slip away from. "If you don't, I'll... I'll really never let you go." He added quietly, his arms slowly loosening their grip around the slender waist, slipping down slightly. If Daniel left him, he probably wouldn't find a reason to live anymore. Yes, he would still be scared of the unknown, but there would be hope that it'd better than real life. If Daniel stayed... Life could possibly get better. He wanted to cling to that possibility for as long as possible.

[Exellda]

This poor man that he was holding was barely keeping himself together. In fact, Daniel wouldn't be surprised if Jonathan would fall apart. He felt that if he wasn't holding him right now, Jonathan would have done just that, shatter into many pieces. "Now, now..." He cooed, trying to make the situation that got way out of hand better. While he wasn't very good at it, something seemed to be working. So Daniel kept rocking Jonathan slowly, because that seemed to calm him down faster. "It's okay now... Because I've got you... I'll be here for you..." He let out a shaky laugh, "Funny, you tell me that I should leave you and then beg me to stay. Which one did you really want?" He asked while Jonathan was nearly hugging him to death.

 

"I won't be able to go anywhere even if I wanted to, which I don't. As I said. I'll be here for you if you need it... But I expect the same in return..." He huffed, feeling the tears soak into his shirt. That would need to be cleaned... It was worth it though. "Let it out big guy." Daniel pat Jonathan's back softly. "I just want you to know that I can be a little bull headed... You might get frustrated with me and want to leave me... Despite what you're saying now... Trust me, I can be a nuisance." Daniel rubbed Jonathan's back with his hands, slowly going up and the down to his lower back.

 

Now Daniel had to talk about something that made him a little tense. "Because you've brought it up... I'm going to inform you that suicide is not the answer- I know... Hearing that from a cutter doesn't make it any better... But I mean it. I... Haven't ever found the nerve to kill myself yet and... If you saw all of the scars on my arms... I bet you'd be disappointed in me... Believe me when I say that I've tried multiple times to end my life, especially during my teenage years. There are times I even wish that my father had killed me." He said with a shaky breath. Daniel never liked to admit to these kinds of behaviors... He hated himself for doing it... And yet, Daniel still cut himself every once in awhile. "But here I am... And I don't ever want to hear you talk about suicide again. I don't care if you think you're weak. If you are, I'll help pull you through it. I can carry some of your weight so please don't be afraid to lean on me if you need to, okay?"

 

Talking about suicide just made him feel bad about himself. All Daniel wanted to do was to get away from it all. He wanted all of it to go away and be over with. Daniel just wanted a simple life. "So... I guess you're stuck with me for now. Okay, Jonathan? What do you say, huh? Do you think you can put up with me?" Daniel asks lightly patting Jonathan's back at every question, as if to emphasize. "And if you don't get up soon, I'm going to push you right onto your back and I'll land right on top of you. I'll find your tickle spots and tickle-torture you to death." The first half of what Daniel said came out as suggestive, but the second half came out as playful. He didn't want to weird Jonathan out. "So wipe them tears handsome and let me 'see' you smile, please."

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Of course Jonathan wanted Daniel to stay. What kind of question even was that? If he didn't want Daniel to stay, he probably wouldn't have been clinging onto him for his dear life. "I doubt I'll ever want to let you go." He sniffled, trying to even out his breathing somehow, at least a little bit. When Daniel began speaking about suicide, it definitely made it harder to calm himself down. "It's... Probably not believable to hear it from me like this, but you have to do the same, then. I'll always be here, at least to listen. That's the least I can do." Jonathan spoke, pulling back slightly, with tears in his eyes to look at Daniel.

 

"I-... I'll try if you do too. Else it isn't fair." He murmured, his arms slowly dropping down to rest lightly on top of Daniel's hips. He didn't smile, it didn't seem to come to him. "I'm really sorry for this..." He muttered out, his voice hoarse and quiet. He hated getting like this. It was shameful, in his opinion. Especially for someone like him. He was supposedly big and strong, so why couldn't he have a stable emotional state as well? With a heavy sigh, the man slowly moved his arms away, instead gently taking Daniel's hand into his own. "I'll try not to get like this anymore." He promised, using his other hand to wipe away the remnants of his tears. Honestly, had Daniel not been here to help him through this, he probably would've ended up in an even worse state. Worst thing was, like that he couldn't even call to a hospital. He probably would've ended up hurting himself.

 

"If you can, just... Just forget this ever happened. Okay?" Jonathan asked quietly, squeezing the other's hand lightly, his fingers still trembling, even when wrapped around Daniel's hand. Oh, he was definitely a broken man. He really didn't want to let Daniel go. He always wanted some form of body contact with people. Especially ones he'd kissed. He could still remember how good Daniel's lips felt against his own. "Can I kiss you?" Jonathan found himself asking that, softly, shyly, even nervously, as one of his hands went up to cup Daniel's cheek. He wanted desperately to do that. He couldn't help himself. Daniel was incredible, how could he resist someone this perfect? Daniel stayed here with him while he was falling apart. That alone made him really, really important for Jonathan. He didn't want to let the man go, ever.

[Exellda]

"Okay... Okay..." Daniel says softly. If he was going to hold Jonathan to the part, he might as well invest too. "I'll try to communicate better. If I need someone to talk to, you'll be the first person I call. How does that sound?" If he was going to be so sure about helping Jonathan, he needed to set an example of sorts. He also appreciated that Jonathan wanted to help him out as well. So this wouldn't be a one sided 'relationship'. Daniel then sighed softly, "Yes... I will agree to that as well. I will also try to stop cutting..." He felt like he would get better, over time, as long as Jonathan was around.

 

"N-No... It's okay. Sometimes you need to let it all out. It's fine don't worry about it. I get this way sometimes too..." Daniel says comfortingly, lightly patting Jonathan's back. "If it happens again, I am here for you... Alright?" He partially felt like he was to blame for making Jonathan this way. He felt like he was the one who made him cry... Or at least encouraged him to do so. "If it makes you feel better, I didn't see a thing." Daniel joked a bit, making a pun out of his blindness. By now Jonathan had his hands on his hips, one moved, grabbing onto his hand. The blind male smiles softly and squeezed his hand lightly. "...you might want to be careful of how you hold me or even my hand. I might get attached and not want to let you go." He teased. But no, seriously, Daniel really liked holding Jonathan's hand. He liked hugging the other male...

 

At Jonathan's question Daniel instinctively smiles. He simply couldn't help it. The smile formed on his face without permission. What he didn't understand was how a simple question could make him feel... happy, and make him blush slightly. The sudden warmth of Jonathan's hand caressed his cheek. It was a very welcoming and pleasant feeling. "Of course you can... You don't even need to ask. Just kiss me you fool." Daniel said, somehow already feeling impatient. He had liked the way the other male's lips felt against his earlier, so why would it be any different? "But... Uh, before you do. I am curious... Because I don't want to misinterpret your actions towards me... And vise versa. I was, uh, wondering... If a kiss really means anything to you? Do you want to kiss me because it comforts you- not that it's a bad thing? By chance, do you have some kind of attraction towards me? I know, I know, we're practically strangers still... Maybe I'm a little too hopeful?"

 

Daniel didn't want to spring the awkward questions on Jonathan... But he really wanted to know the other males intention with him. He was blind after all and couldn't see what was happening, Jonathan's reactions... He just wanted to hear his honesty. "And what are we, exactly? If you don't mind me asking. Are we a support group or support couple? Are we companions? Just friends? Friends with benefits? Is it only kissing benefits? ...are we something more? Like potential lovers?" He asks curiously. "I'm okay with whatever you have to say. I just don't... Want you to feel awkward around me... Or feel like you have to force yourself to be all friendly with me, if you don't have to or want to." Most of all, he just didn't want to accidently get himself romantically hurt, or even Jonathan hurt. "All that aside... If you want to kiss me, regardless of everything else, please do..."

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan was genuinely happy to hear that Daniel would confide in him when he felt he needed to. It felt good to feel like he was needed, although he doubted he could be able to handle anything much. Even so, he wanted desperately to help Daniel. A small smile formed on his face when his hand was squeezed, only encouraging him to hold Daniel's hand a little bit tighter. "I'm okay with that." He replied, slowly beginning to stroke the other's hand with his thumb. Daniel's hand felt so small in his... So delicate and fragile. He couldn't help but feel like he had to act extra careful with the man around. And what did he do instead of that? Break down and endanger both of them. Great work, asshole.

 

Jonathan was about to move in and kiss Daniel, but was stopped by a tirade of questions. His hand slowly began sliding down to his neck instead, as he was basically forced to confront all those questions. Most of which, honestly, scared the shit out of him. "I-..." He began, but found himself unable to finish the sentence at first. A short pause, after which he tried again. "I'm not sure." Jonathan admitted softly, gently caressing his neck with his fingers. "We're... I..." A heavy sigh left his lips at his inability to voice his thoughts. "I think... There's..." God, he was hopeless. "I'd like to think of us as a support couple, as you said, at least for now. I'm... Not really ready for any commitment just yet..." Jonathan muttered out, looking away. Honestly, these questions made him feel incredibly awkward and even a bit insecure. He didn't want to make Daniel feel like he wasn't enough.

 

"What... What are we, for you then?" He asked softly, looking back at the blind male. His hand moved back to his cheek, lovingly tracing over it, his thumb skimming over his long eyelashes. Maybe one day they would open up to show eyes that could see, at last. It wasn't that he was ashamed of Daniel's disability, no, not at all, but... Sight was something that was important to experience everything fully, at least for him. Jonathan couldn't imagine a life without sight. He wouldn't be able to see his loved ones. He wouldn't be able to admire the sunset, or the sunrise, if he got lucky enough to see it. Then again, he wouldn't be able to see scars, tears, or sadness, as well. Perhaps one could live without seeing these things.

[Exellda]

The blind male nodded slowly from Jonathan's answers. "Okay... I'm sorry if those questions were... Sudden. I just... Don't want to accidently fall for you, then discover that my feelings are one sided..." He said softly. "I've just been in that situation before... And it sucked. And it was awkward. And I hated myself for a while." Well, more than he already did. Daniel let out a soft sigh. Jonathan seemed like a nice guy... "It's okay Jonathan, I understand... I don't mean to pressure you or anything." Daniel could feel himself starting to blush again, from embarrassment this time. "All I wanted was honesty, and I got that. Whatever you're comfortable with telling me... I'm cool with that, you know?" He said, trying to be understanding.

 

And then Daniel found himself blushing, still, because of Jonathan's question. The blind male hadn't necessarily thought the other male would toss the question right back at him. "Well... I uh..." Daniel chuckled nervously, "If I am going to be honest, I probably could fall for you... Probably stupid... But yeah... I'll agree with you for now. A support couple sounds nice." Daniel didn't want to push the other male in one direction or the other. Besides, if they were to work together, they would have to function together and get along well. As said before, he didn't want to pressure Jonathan, certainly didn't want to make the other male feel like he had to stay on the account that he was blind.

 

With that in mind. He figured he should try to make a 'first step'. "Uh, Jonathan..?" Daniel asked softly as he reached down into his own pocket, his fingers looking around for- ah, there it was. "I hope this isn't too much to ask but... Would you be willing to hold onto this?" Daniel suddenly pulled out a pocket knife out of his pocket. He knew this knife fairly well, considering how many times he had used it- on himself. With his other hand he pressed a side button the dislodged the blade. He cautiously held it out toward Jonathan while his other hand gripped tightly onto the handle that was left behind. He was nervous about this... "I don't want to put you on the spot... But if you take it, I'll be less inclined to cut because that is my favorite knife. But that doesn't mean you can use it, okay?" He at least wanted to keep the handle, as just holding that part helped him calm down sometimes...

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan was sure that a part of his heart was just torn off, leaving the rest bleeding. His hand slid down slowly, his teeth coming to bite at his bottom lip. He wasn't ready. But he hated seeing Daniel like this... He hated making him feel like that. Worst of all, he didn't know what to say to make him feel better. He was still helplessly in love with the woman who ended up betraying him. He couldn't get over her, even if he liked Daniel a lot. Even if Daniel understood him, despite having known him for only a couple of days. This all felt incredibly unreal and moving too fast for Jonathan to feel comfortable. He was being torn.

 

Jonathan let out a sigh as Daniel spoke, only looking up when his name was called. His heart dropped to his heels when he saw what Daniel was holding out towards him. He felt a wave of sadness and disgust washing over him at the same time. Why would he ask for Jonathan to hold onto that? His fingers were so shaky, he was sure he'd cut himself right there and then as he reached for the blade. "O... Okay..." He muttered out as his fingers wrapped around the sharp blade, slowly pulling it out of Daniel's fingers. He set it away on a table as quickly as he could, looking down at his trembling hand. He felt sick. He honestly felt sick. Like he was about to throw up... It was a shame one couldn't simply throw up all of their bad feelings.

 

Jonathan reached over to the other, tugging him closer for Daniel to lean against his chest, being hugged from behind. Jonathan pressed his face into his shoulder, his arms wrapped tightly around his waist. "I'll put it somewhere you won't ever find it again. So never use it. Or any other knife. Ever." He muttered a bit shakily, his voice close to cracking. And to think this situation began with him wanting a kiss... Which he didn't want at all by now. It felt weird, and, frankly, a bit uncomfortable. Jonathan still wanted some physical affection though - and what was better than a hug, right? He'd always hug his little girls when they felt down, and most of the time, it fixed everything right up. After all, Jonathan was big - as Daniel put it, like a teddy bear. With the ginormous arms he had, anyone in his hug felt small and protected... So he hoped he could give that feeling for Daniel as well. He really wanted to.

[Exellda]

Ah.... How could he let this get so far. Daniel thought he was breaking Jonathan more than helping or fixing him... He felt kind of horrible for this outcome... All he wanted to do was help the poor man. Instead, he was just giving the guy more than he could carry. "Hey now, don't lose that knife. It's my favorite. I don't care if you hide it, just don't lose it, okay?" It would be really bad if Jonathan lost that knife... Daniel had 'cutting' moodlet every once in awhile. If he got angsty, he knew that he would want it back one day... And if Jonathan wouldn't hand it over, he would probably harm himself even worse. Daniel was very familiar with that blade. He knew how hard and where to push the blade into his skin. If he grabbed a different blade, he might accidentally cut too deep or in a spot that could put his life in more danger. Daniel couldn't help it. He was a habitual cutter. He had been trying to stop for so long now... And he was hoping that Jonathan could help him out with that.

 

He knew this from experience...

 

"Alrighty, big guy. You sound like you need some hugs. So I am going to hug you until you feel better, or until you tell me to stop, whichever comes first." He said, without waiting for Jonathan to confirm it. The blind male turned around so he could properly hug Jonathan, he hooked his arms right under the armpit, going around the back. He placed his forehead on the bigger male's shoulder. He just wanted to change the mood really bad, feeling that it was mostly his fault for dragging Jonathan down. The taller male sounded more and more distraught as Daniel blabbed on tonight... He felt like he was just making the man worse and worse... When all he wanted was to build the poor man up. "I'm sorry if I dragged you down tonight. I hope you can forgive me. I assumed that if I leaned on you... You could handle it. Now I realize that I might have been too quick with you, Jonathan, and I just want you to know that I am sorry. I am not good with stuff like this. And I probably have put too much of a burden on your shoulders."

 

Daniel pressed his cheek into Jonathan's shoulder, "And I am sorry for asking things of you, when you're not ready for it. A man is only so strong. Physical and mental strength are two very different things. I guess I never really understood that until now. If you can tolerate me, I think I'll just ask for you to be patient with me... And please accept me. A blind guy. A cutter. A musician. A child in a man's body... A friend? ...I hope that if you consider even opening up to me anymore, that you are able to do it without restraint, even if it takes time. I won't leave if you say that you need me... If you need someone to hold, hug, hold your hand, give you a pat on the back, or even someone to kiss, I am here for you. Like we agreed, a support couple. I am all ears if you have anything to say. I have two shoulders for you to cry on, so pick one. If you need someone to keep you company or provide comfort, I hope that you'll consider me..." Daniel said softly, all in one go.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan doubted he could lose the knife. Toss it away? Yes. But lose it? Never. That thing would haunt his dreams, it would never leave his thoughts. It was just... Horrible. Disgusting, even. Why should he have to hold on to something that Daniel used to hurt himself? Why did Daniel want him to have that thing? That... Weapon? Thankfully, he was pulled out of these thoughts by Daniel's body turning to hug him. Jonathan's breathing shuddered, tears flooding his eyes once more as he pulled the other close, holding him tightly to his warm body. He did need a hug, really, really bad. It was perhaps a little bit funny that a guy as big as him needed a hug this badly, but they truly did help.

 

Then, of course, Daniel began speaking. He continued and continued, and it didn't seem to be stopping. Jonathan's eyes closed tightly as he tried to focus on what the words meant rather than just letting them flow by. That was... A lot of talking, to say the least. After Daniel finished, Jonathan had to take a couple of moments to figure everything out, to just understand everything that was said. Really, when he was like this, he was finding it hard to focus properly on other people and not his own thoughts. "...Thank you, for understanding me." He muttered out first, letting out a quivering sigh, pressing his cheek against the top of Daniel's head. He sniffled softly, breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly once more. "I... Can only accept you as a cutter if you're a cutter that wants to get better." As this was one of the things that really burned into Jonathan's head, he felt the need to reply to that.

 

Breathing in deeply again, Jonathan pulled back, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Let's just stop. If I talk any more about all... This... I'll just end up flooding my house." Letting out a weak chuckle, Jonathan slowly moved to stand up, gently pulling Daniel along. "So... Did you want me to walk you home?" He asked, his voice, although a bit hoarse from the crying, was soft and gentle, just as it usually was. "I really need to take a walk." The man added quietly. He needed to clear his head a little bit. It was very likely that he wouldn't get back home until late at night. No one was waiting for him anyway. "Let's just grab the leftovers and we can go, okay?" Jonathan decided that pretending like he didn't just have a breakdown was the best way to go. The easiest way to go, at least. If he could just brush it all off and act like it didn't happen, he could carry on. Leave this in the past, where it belonged. Fake it till you make it, right?

[Exellda]

Daniel did a whole lot of venting today and that kind of felt nice. The only thing about it was now he felt slightly depressed... And a horrible person for making this man cry. Gee, it hasn't even been a whole week. He should have saw this coming. Daniel could only hope that everything would turn out okay. This awkward friendship- or support thingy they had together was off to a rocky start and Daniel hoped for the best. For a moment, he briefly considered what he'd be doing if Jonathan hadn't bumped into him. He'd probably just be sitting at home, probably doing nothing, maybe moping around like usual.

 

At least... It seemed like he was able to somewhat save the moment. He made the mental note, Jonathan liked hugs. He was relieved that Jonathan was still functional even after all this... He should have guessed that Jonathan would mention his cutting habits. For a moment he hesitated. It was hard for him to say for sure, but Daniel was trying his hardest to resist. "I'll try. I haven't cut for almost half a year now. I've been good about it, promise." Truth was, Daniel had been trying for years now... He just... Something always came up, he'd break his good habits in one night... And he really tried not to... But it was really hard for him to reach out to others. Daniel often felt like reaching out was bothersome... Everyone told him it was the opposite, but he couldn't help it. When it came to cutting, he was mentally weak. It was the only way he knew how to deal with things... A part of him hoped that he could reach out to Jonathan if he needed it, and would be comfortable enough to ask him for help...

 

"Okay..." He said softly, feeling a little regret because of the conversation. He was no therapist, he probably made it worse... Daniel inhaled slowly, held his breath and then released after another moment. At least Jonathan was trying to progress the conversation. It was obvious that he wanted to move on and Daniel couldn't blame him. Oh... Yeah... He still needed to go home. He was going to say that he could walk home by himself- But then Jonathan said he needed air. He was also going to turn down the food- but he knew Jonathan wouldn't let him say no to either. They both knew his fridge was nearly empty. "Alright, alright." He said with a sigh, a small smile forming across his lips.

 

The blind male was the first to move, standing up slowly. "Yeah... I guess we've moped long enough. Time to get our asses into gear." Daniel declared with another sigh. "Uh..." Daniel paused, "Which way is the kitchen again?" He asked as he settled his hands onto his hips. "I haven't exactly memorized where everything is in your home yet..." Because after moping for so long, he had nearly forgotten where they even were. For some reason he felt like he was at home, and yet, he knew that he was at Jonathan's place.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

Jonathan felt a little bit dizzy after standing up again. Along with that, he felt a headache coming his way. Before they left the house, he'd have to take some painkillers if he didn't want to suffer for hours... He was one of those people who could not get rid of a headache unless they drank some medicine. His gaze fell upon Daniel again, feeling a tug on his heart - both from affection and sadness. He didn't deserve him, truly. He didn't get why Daniel would even like him. He wasn't a good man. He was a recovering alcoholic... And only a recovering one, not even an ex-alcoholic yet. He tried hard, God knew he did, but it was hard to stay away some nights. And those nights were horrible for him. The worst thing was that now he lived alone. If he drank too much and something happened to him, no one would call for an ambulance. He would just die, just like that.

 

"Oh, may I?" Jonathan asked softly, offering his arm for Daniel, gently nudging his hand so that the man would be able to grip onto him. "Well... If you don't end up running away from me, I'm sure you'll have enough time to memorize the rooms at least." He smiled weakly, lightly rubbing Daniel's hand as he began walking towards the kitchen. Once there, he let go of Daniel's hand, lightly rubbing his forehead. "Sorry, give me a moment." He muttered out, walking towards the sink to pour himself a glass of water before finding the painkillers. He popped a pill into his mouth, drinking it down with several gulps of cold water. He hoped it wouldn't take too long for them to work now.

 

Jonathan walked over to the fridge, pulling out the leftovers he'd set aside for Daniel. He packed them up properly, then turned back to his friend. "...You ready to go?" He asked quietly, hesitantly. He didn't want to let Daniel leave just yet. He wanted to protect him... But Daniel needed protection from Jonathan the most. He was dangerous for everyone around him. He'd end up hurting Daniel, too... Maybe he should just erase himself from the other's life. Wasn't that a good idea? Though... Perhaps not so suddenly, at least. Or maybe Daniel would end up making him feel better, too. Who knew?

 

Jonathan walked towards Daniel, lightly nudging his hand once more. "Shall we?" He asked softly, his voice a bit tired. He could never hide how he was feeling. He was like an open book - with both his expressions and his voice. Anyone could read him easily, and honestly, that was scary for him.

[Exellda]

The blind male smiled softly, taking Jonathan's hand gently. "Certainly." He said. It would always surprise him when someone would offer to lead him by his hand. There was no complaining from im though, as Daniel really loved to be lead. It was less work for him in the end anyway. Plus, who could hate holding another person's hand? Eh... There would be some people who didn't like physical contact but Daniel wasn't one of those people. Thankfully it seemed like Jonathan was someone who liked physical contact as well. Physical contact was more than just feeling for him, it was a sensation. How he felt something was also how he saw it. "I feel compelled to tell you that I could never run away from you, Jonathan... Also because if I did, I would probably seriously injure myself." He pointed out.

 

It was a small walk to the kitchen where Jonathan released his hand. He listened, with his eyes closed, to hear what Jonathan was doing. The first thing he heard was Jonathan opening a cabinet and... medicine? -being opened. Ah, that should be reasonable. Maybe even vitamins? Daniel didn't know. But whenever he got overly emotional, sometimes he got headaches, and so, he would simply get painkillers. The blue eyed male just assumed what Jonathan got without asking. He could hear the sink run, followed by Jonathan drinking the water. Lastly he heard the fridge being opened. "Are you sure you want me to have it?" He asked sounding rather shy about it.He felt awkward receiving food. there was nothing wrong, it was just that he wasn't use to someone giving him free food. Daniel was very independent because he both wanted to be and had to be. Of course that also resulted in his fridge being practically empty almost all of the time.

 

"Uh..." Daniel raised his hand, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well... Don't get me wrong... I feel like I've already overstayed my time here. I wouldn't want to intrude more than I've already have." Daniel said, trying to be polite. While he certainly was getting more and more comfortable with Jonathan, he already felt like he pushed the limits already- he was sure Jonathan was a little uncomfortable by now. However, he gladly took Jonathan's hand again when he offered it. "Thanks for having me..." He said softly as he allowed Jonathan to lead him. He could hear the tiredness in Jonathan's voice and Daniel felt like he was partially to blame. And yet, it was endearing to hear because it helped Daniel know what state Jonathan was in. He could read the other male better, especially if he was open like this all of the time.

 

To say the least, his journey home was more comfortable with Jonathan tagging along. Originally Daniel had anticipated going home alone. Thanks to Jonathan, he wasn't... And now that he thought about it, if he had been carrying the food, he would have had a hard time walking. Let's be honest, Daniel also appreciated the fact that he had a warm hand to hold, as well as someone to look after him. People like Jonathan certainly didn't come around often enough, perhaps that's why he clung onto him in the hopes that the other male would stick around. "I appreciate you walking me home." He said once they were finally at his home and Daniel let go of Jonathan's hand. Pulling out his keys, he felt around the keys to figure out which one would let him inside. He paused for a moment, realizing that Jonathan would have to come inside this time.

 

After a moment's hesitation Daniel opened the door and waltz right in. He set his cane down on the coffee table in the living room. He lived in a one bedroom apartment. "Sorry if my home is messy." He commented. In the living room, mostly on the coffee table- with a few exceptions that fell onto the floor- was sheet music in brail. There was a small book shelf that was collecting dust- and a few cobwebs along the wall. A couch accompanied the coffee table, a electric keyboard was laying on the couch, still plugged in. The room was fairly empty other than the three furnitures that decorated the room. The walls were plain with a few cobwebs also in the corners of the ceiling. There were no lights other than two on the ceiling, even they were turned off. Throughout his home, everything was in the dark. It was understandable considering that Daniel had no need for lights.

 

Daniel couldn't see therefore things like the cobwebs didn't bother him, nor was a concern. He couldn't clean what he couldn't see. The blind male lead Jonathan, with no guidance whatsoever, into the kitchen. Daniel had a small set of dishes, silverware, in their perspective places. He cleaned them by hand, because he could feel if it was still dirty. So on the bright side, Daniel at least didn't eat off of dirty plates, or with dirty silverware. He stopped when he was standing next to the fridge. "Uh... Hey... Since you're here, can I ask you to do something for me?" He asked softly, a little embarrassed. "I uh, was wondering if you could help me throw away any food that might be old or rotten?" As he couldn't see the dates... Or mold if there was any. Not that there was much in the fridge... He had a couple of things in the cabinet too.

[Zombie_In_A_Box]

The walk to Daniel's home was quiet, but Jonathan didn't find it awkward. It was comforting, and definitely relaxing. He enjoyed the company of those people who could be silent around him without feeling uncomfortable. Those were the best kinds of friendships... Although right now his only friend was Daniel, wasn't that sad? Perhaps after being with him for a while he could finally get himself to go back to living? He wanted to find some friends, too. Perhaps he'd finally move into a smaller apartment, create a space just for himself, how he wanted everything to be. Daniel could help him start a new life, and he needed that so bad.

 

"It's no problem. I'm happy to help you." Jonathan replied with a light smile, letting Daniel unlock the door and lead him inside. Once there, Jonathan found himself, well, blind. Everything was dark. He felt around to find the light switch, pressing on it to make the lights turn on. At least so he could see something. The view inside made a shiver crawl up his spine. "Uhm... It's fine." He muttered out, looking around uneasily. The dust, the cobwebs, they were not a pleasant sight at all. "Don't you have anyone who comes in to help you clean up?" He asked, turning to Daniel. Seeing that the man was already heading towards the kitchen, Jonathan followed after carefully, trying not to step on anything that could be important.

 

Jonathan blinked a couple of times at the sound of the request, but figured he could at least do as much for Daniel. "Of course." Jonathan replied quickly, setting the leftovers down before opening the fridge. At least he wasn't greeted with any fowl smell. The man worked quickly, checking the dates of everything and either setting it back into the fridge or throwing it out to the trash. "Okay, all done here. I'll put the leftovers onto the middle shelf." He informed Daniel, putting the plate right where he said he would. After closing the fridge he turned back to his... Lover? Boyfriend? He still didn't know what to call him. "So... Guess I'll get going then. Take care of yourself." Somehow, Jonathan felt the need to say at least this much before leaving. He wanted for Daniel to be safe, but he wasn't brave enough to stick around in this rather depressing apartment any longer. He just couldn't. It, quite frankly, scared him.

[Exellda]

As soon as they stepped inside, Daniel felt like something was off. Even though Jonathan didn't say anything at first... "Oh..? Is my home really dirty or something?" Daniel said, seemingly unphased. The blind male didn't know if there was anything to worry about. "Uh, well... There's the land lady who usually, generously cleans my apartment every week... So also, more or less, checks up on me. The land lady recently broke her leg... I think about a month or two ago- maybe three, and hasn't been able to come over..." Daniel shrugged, frowning softly, "For some reason her husband does not like me. I haven't a clue why..."

 

"Thank you so much for helping me out. Sorry my apartment is a mess, also, Jonathan." Daniel said once Jonathan was done cleaning out the fridge of anything bad. He hoped that he hadn't managed to scare Jonathan away. Hopefully there was still a chance he could be friends with this guy- even though he broke his cane... He found himself approaching Jonathan cautiously, but with a soft smile. Daniel reached out, bumping Jonathan's side, he moved a little out and found the other male's hand. Grabbing his hand gently, Daniel let out a sigh of relief and then shook Jonathan's hand. "Thank you for coming over. I'll be seeing you around, I suppose?" The blind male said ever so casually. He knew Jonathan would understand. A hug was what Daniel considered doing in the first place, however, he felt that he had already crossed a line today... So he let it be.

 

Then he released Jonathan's warm hand and took a step back. "Please take care of yourself as well." He said softly, "Close the front door behind you, okay? Thanks." Because Daniel knew there were a couple times... He might have left the door open without even realizing it... And he probably would have stressed Jonathan out if he mentioned that. So with that, Daniel more or less 'escorted' Jonathan to the door. He felt kind of awkward about it. All in all, it was okay. They didn't know each other well and through time, hopefully, they would grow to know each other better. Hopefully they would get along well. Daniel was trying to be optimistic about it. It all came down to whether he did or did not scare the other male away...

 

In the end it would not matter how the first day went...