On the Flip Side (taviss & Raychu) [R18]

[taviss]

He was looking at Naoki talking and what he said made Henry uncomfortable. He never asked anything from the other except maybe a bit of tenderness. He realised how his own choices of words had probably confused his Doctor about how the ginger was feeling. Still Naoki was having a weird speech, promising to be there for him as long as he would need him, in addition of saying he liked him but just after, saying he couldn’t promise anything, in addition of not being sure about liking him... It was confusing to the young one, making him a bit nervous and feeling something he couldn’t name. It was new to him, a weird feeling, confusing. While Naoki was looking in his bed side table, Henry moved and took his boxer and T-shirt that were on the bed. The new feeling was intensifying inside him. He wanted to get out of the room or trow something at his Doctor. Henry was confused by that new thing inside him. Naoki was now lighting a cigarette and the cloud of smoke that fill the air around Henry made the feeling inside him grow even more. He looked around and found the rest of his clothes on the ground. The view of all the clothes on the ground scattered every where, made the ginger suddenly more nervous. Henry got out of the bed, took all his clothes very quickly and replied in an annoyed and confused tone:

 

-“I’m going to the bathroom” He left the room and quickly found and entered the bathroom where he closed and locked the door. He put all his clothes on and opened the tap to splash his face with water. Henry was confused about the thing he was feeling. It was not sadness, but it was close, but very different in the same time. Something he knew he was supposed to know but was somehow new. The feeling disappeared very fast though, letting the young one in a state of confusion and anxiety. He looked at his reflexion in the mirror and sighed. Why everything is always so complicated? Henry let his body go down and sat on the ground, his back on the wall. He closed his eyes, his fingers pianoting on the ceramic.

[Raychu]

Naoki let out a loud sigh once the other had left the room, holding the cigarette between his fingers, looking at the door. He was an idiot, he was trying to bring his psychology into this and they hadn't even been on a date yet. Promising then double talking his way of working with this. Henry was a sweet boy, someone who shouldn't be tainted by the cruelty of the doctor. He was meant for relationships, there was a reason he was still single even though he was quite old. His line of work complicated things for himself, he made it hard to just enjoy things, every ting had to be over analyzed, nothing was left out. This would affect his relationship with Henry for sure. They had nothing that would hold them together, just simple minded words. Yet, he couldn't just accept this like he knew he wanted to. He wanted to keep hold of the ginger. Even he didn't know what he wanted anymore. He was just as confused with himself as Henry was.

 

The cigarette's life was snuffed out into the ashtray as the doctor got up and put on his clothes. He needed to shower soon, he would just have to wait a bit. He needed to find a way to straighten himself out with the ginger. He couldn't leave Henry confused and uneasy, it was unfair. He would say something and just make himself believe it. If it needed to be changed he would allow it, but he wouldn't let the other get hurt because of his insecurity in this relationship. He walked out of the room, going to the bathroom door, lightly knocking on it. He didn't go in, he just leaned against it, sighing once more. "I'm not sure how to say things right. This is... I," he hushed himself, trying to think before he spoke for once. "I'm sorry. I like you. I'll be with you until you want me gone. I don't know... how to explain this... problem I have. It's not a problem with you though, myself actually. I've never... really done this relationship type of deal much in my life. I was... scared, I guess is the right term. Sorry, I do like you though," he said loudly, making sure the other heard him clearly through the door.

[taviss]

Henry opened his eyes when he heard a soft knocking on the door. He listened, relaxing at the sound of the other’s voice. He stayed silence letting Naoki talked at his pace. The young one's face relaxed more, his fingers stoped tapping on the ground and a small smile formed on his lips. He was still confused by the thing he had felt earlier, but the anxiety had disappeared. Henry understood that his Doctor was not as confident as he thought he was. Naoki was confused too, probably because it was sudden and had happened fast for him. Henry smiled more at the last words that were spoked loudly. He sighed, got up slowly and walked to the door but he didn’t open it and simply let his forehead leaned against the door. He didn’t spoke immediately, letting some quietude filled the space. He gently put a hand on the door and after one or two minutes said softly:

 

-“Maybe, for once, I should be the one who listens. You are always the one who’s listened to everyone’s problems... For once, maybe someone should listen to you. So, yeah... It’s your turn to talk.” Henry was not sure if Naoki would want to talk about any of his problems but he thought that, even if it was only talking about anything else, for once he should let the other spoke, like his Doctor did for him many times. The ginger stayed there, not moving, letting the door closed.

[Raychu]

"Talk about it my feelings? Me?" Naoki laughed softly,sliding down the door so he was sitting against it. Talking about his feelings was something he hadn't done in many years, that was only because he had a handle on his emotions for once. He lost that grip that he held onto so tightly, just by having Henry around. The psychology textbooks inside his head were screaming at him that this was wrong. He had a hard time trying to decide right from wrong now. He didn't to is left or right, up or down. In the books those were just words with meanings. He was being held between his knowledge and desires. Everything he learned was meant for the better to keep himself in line so he could help others. Now he needed help again. Letting go of the textbook knowledge was like saying he was done with his job. He needed it to feel important. How could Henry understand something so wrong?

 

"I don't know what to say though. I mean, it's terrifying for me to need to speak once more. It's been years Henry. It's hard to just admit things. I trust you, it's just, I can't bring myself to let everything go that easily. My job means so much to me. I'm scared if I fuck this up, I'll lose you and an important patient. I'll be a failure. I'm being overly paranoid, right?" He laughed a weak laugh, rubbing his temples. He didn't know what to say anymore. He was quick to make so many wrong moves, that was apparent with what he just did minutes ago. He let his emotions get the better of him, he let the worries overtake his speaking. He wasn't as secure as Henry thought he was. He was the complete opposite of that, he was still human with his own kinds of flaws. Of course he would be scared of sharing that with anyone. He wanted to seem like he was invincible, even though he was no where close to a hero.

 

"I'm just going to need some time to adjust. I promise I'll try to keep my emotions under control again. I let them fly, I'm sorry. I wish it would be easier for me to adapt to this, it's not though. I've always worried if I ever got with another then I would fail to meet their expectations. I don't want to have that same problem with you, that's why... I'm so unsure about this. I don't want you to hate me Henry. You mean so much to me," his voice was shaky, desperate. He was running out of things to say, no words could completely describe him. If there was only one word that could try to properly explain him, it's unstable. He's an unstable kind of person. Everything he did was to mask himself, make it seem like he was the perfect Doctor who could cure all problems within a person. No one could do that, none. He knew better than that. all doctors had their own flaws and issues, one patients weren't supposed to see, but the ginger was seeing everything right now. He was heading nothing but honesty, terrible honesty.

 

It could easily come down to having to choose between his job and his lover. Naoki didn't know which one he would choose, it was impossible to even make a choice. He loved his job so much, then again, he needed Henry to keep him stable, to balance out his emotions and feelings. He liked Henry just as much as his job. Both made him who the person he was. Even if they had only been in this kind of romance for a day, they were both in it before, just unspoken. No one knew, now they did. How long they felt the same was a mystery, one that didn't need to be solved. Both of them knew of each other's feelings now, that was all that was needed. He needed Henry, he needed his job. An impossible choice could easily present itself, become a block in moving forward with his life. He didn't want that, he didn't deserve it. He was still a man. A man with his own individual flaws.

[taviss]

Henry listened in silence to Naoki’s words, fallowing him and sat on the floor, his side leaning against the door. He knew that he asked a lot of Naoki to talk and open himself, but he felt like it was what the other needed and Henry needed it too. He didn’t know his Doctor much, only what he let him see through his professional shell. The ginger knew so little, only that, he too, had problems before. Naoki was surely not that perfect, nobody is.

 

He stayed silent, letting the other spoked, hoping that the atmosphere would help the other to let go down his guard a little. The situation was not ideal, it was clear that Naoki had problem about his professional side and the ethic of the situation. Henry couldn’t do anything about it. He was the patient, from his perspective he had nothing to lose, but for Naoki, it was another story. But the worst that could happen if they were discovered somehow, was that Henry would have to be transferred to another Doctor. They were both consenting adults. It was not ethical, sure, but it was not like Naoki had taken advantage of Henry. He didn’t want to be transferred again, but Naoki couldn’t really lose his job, yes?

 

Naoki had finished talking and the silent had again taken all the place. His Doctor shaking voice, saying that he didn’t want to be hated by the young one, made Henry’s eyes teary, his heart confused between sadness and joy. Henry said softly:

 

-“I think you are the best person to help me. After ten years of therapy, not even one Doctor has been able to help me. My condition even gone worst many time. I don’t think that having a perfect Doctor, almost not human at all, with no problem, no emotion, had ever helped me. It’s only you, because you experienced something similar, who was able to help me. I’m not a psychiatrist and I don’t know much about psychology, but you are the only one that made my condition change for better, even if it’s only lightly.” It was the truth. No psychiatrist was ever able to help him recover at all. He didn’t know if it has helped him to stay more stable, probably, if he has been completely alone without any kind of medication and therapy, he would have been worst, but it was clear that they never made him go better. It was only since Dr. Jinta had taken him as his patient that his condition changed for better, very little but still better.

 

Henry moved slowly on the side, stayed on his knees and unlocked the door. He opened it slowly and placed himself behind the brunette’s back to hug him tight. The ginger added, almost whispering:

 

-“I don’t have any expectations, I just want you... I won’t talk about this to anyone. I don’t want to choose, I don’t want you to choose. Nobodies need to know. I want you to stay my Doctor and I want this too. If doing this would have been a bad thing for me psychologically, you wouldn’t have done it. Books and other Doctors don’t have all the answers. I trust you more than any books or Doctor.” Henry moved from his knees and sat on the floor, without letting his grip go. He placed his left cheek on the back of Naoki’s neck and said:

 

-“And, please, don’t lock away your emotions, I need them.”

[Raychu]

Henry was such a sweet boy, Naoki loves that part about him. If they could just be together without the world and its critical views, he would ever be so thankful. He liked Henry, but if he felt love, it might only make his worries worse. Right now, liking was the what fun the could do or say and mean it. Love was something that felt like ultimate betrayal to his job, to Henry as the patient. He was reluctant enough to allow himself to even have any kind of feelings for the boy, if it turned to love, he might start making himself a recluse to avoid all situations. This however, is only if he was to feel love too soon. He couldn't determine when the time for love to come would be best, but he didn't want it to happen now. He would shut down on everyone completely for being a failure at his job, the one thing he loved more than anything in the entire world. Being with the ginger, he needed to take it extremely slow, rushing could be detrimental to the relationship they had forming. Slow and steady as always best when someone was with him. If they went faster than he could handle, they were gone within the day.

 

"I'm sorry. I guess it's just so hard for me to accept properly. It'll take time and adjustment, don't worry. Everyone adjusts to everything at some point in their life. It's laughable isn't it? The patient is helping their psychiatrist? I think it's quite ironic. Thanks, Henry. I promise that I won't run away from this, I won't let my feelings if conflict for my job or the ethical choice ever come not our relationship outside of the tiny room. Unless you want me to talk with you like that, which is highly unlikely," he hummed, living the feeling of the other's touch. He just had it so hard all of his life, now he had someone to ease the pain he had grown. He didn't understand how to properly cope other everything else that demanded he not do this, his own mind screaming bloody murder on him for making a choice to stay with the ginger. This was just the books talking, he was fine. This was nothing but the textbooks telling him right and wrong in his own life, they weren't true for everyone.

[taviss]

-“ Mhmm...” Henry simply mumbled. He couldn’t say more, he couldn’t reply anymore. He felt that he had said everything he could, everything he needed to. To this point, it was Naoki decision. He would have to make his way in his thoughts and feeling alone. The ginger had told him everything he had on his mind and how he was feeling toward the older man regarding his personal interest and toward him as his doctor. Henry stayed silent, hugging him from the back, his head laid on the back of his Doctor’s neck. He gave the brunette light kisses on his neck hair’s border in a very gentle and loving way when the young man’s cell phone rang, making him stoped.

 

It was his grandmother worried about him. He was forty minutes late than his normal time on Tuesday. It was already this late? Henry surprised, apologized and reassured her. Henry stood up and started to gather all his stuff very quickly. He hung up, leaned toward Naoki and gave him a quick kiss on his lips. He rushed at the door and before leaving he said:

 

-“Sorry I have to go. Speak later”

 

--------

When he arrived home, he explained to his grandmother that he was with his Doctor in town, experimenting outside to see his reaction and help him manage situations. It was a lie, but this way was better for everyone. He had promise Naoki to stay quiet on what had happen and so he did. The next morning Henry was back in his routine, exactly like before. Waking up at six thirty, eating at seven, playing on his piano till nine, going out, walking forty minutes, classic music in his headphone, going to his classes from ten to thirteen, eating lunch and going to the lab at thirteen forty-five to eighteen and going back home for eighteen forty. Henry didn’t think during the day of what had happened, it was only at night, when he was alone in his room, that the events came back to him. He had to release the tension and touch himself to finally be able to sleep.

 

The week passed fast without any kind of problem. Henry was back in his routine completely, his grandmother finding him like usual. The incident of him coming back later than usually on Tuesday had disappeared like it had never happened. On the next Tuesday morning Henry ate his strawberries’ waffles with his grandmother, played on his piano and walked to the psychiatric clinic, his headphone on his hears. He talked a little with the secretary and waited till Dr. Jinta called him. When he entered the room, he smiled at his Doctor and sat like usually on the coach.

[Raychu]

Naoki spent his days dreading their next appointment. He didn't understand how he was supposed to interact, what he was supposed to say, did they just remain normal and neutral in session? If not, they couldn't exactly be discussing their love lives with one another. That was wrong and he just couldn't bring himself to do such a thing. He stared at his phone, wondering if he should've called or not. He wanted to, he truly did, he didn't know how to start it. The doctor was a social person, easy to get along with, that didn't mean he was easy to get along with in relationships, especially complicated ones. He didn't want to disappoint the other, he didn't want to get him too attached either. He just wanted Henry to stay in the middle of the circle and not move, he was scared he would do something wrong if the ginger did. He couldn't rid of the worries as they just continued to fill his mind, he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

 

Tuesday came faster than he really wanted, yet, that feeling of dread was being washed out my his happiness of finally being able to interact with Henry once more. He called his lover in, and sat in the chair as he returned the small smile he was given. Where did he start? Now that he was here, now that this was happening, where was he supposed to go with their session? Did he do the talking this time, did Henry do it instead? There were too many questions with not enough answers. He felt at a loss, unsure. This feeling of being unsure was not a normal one for him. He was used to being so sure of what to say and do. Henry seemed to rip that sense of security away, taking away where he was supposed to go.

 

"Henry, how have you been since we last saw each other?" That professional tone remained, though the hint of his curiosity was showing. He wanted to know what Henry had done for the past days, he wanted to know how he was. He was desperate to get caught up on what he missed. It was a mistake not to try and get ahold of Henry, it just would've been easier if the younger boy initiated the conversations first. Then he'd understand what he was supposed to say. He may have been used to starting sessions, he wasn't sued to normal relationship conversations.

[taviss]

Henry looked at his Doctor sitting on his chair in front of him, waiting for him to speak, like usually. He placed himself comfortable, taking off his shoes to sit cross-legged on the cough. He was in a good mood, smiling lightly since the moment he had saw Dr. Jinta. He was not sure why though. Something inside him was warm and joyful but it was weird to him. He had the feeling he should remember something but he couldn’t point out what.

 

-“ Mhum, a normal week...” Henry replied smiling innocently. He explained all his week, almost in too much detail, letting a very clear feeling of OCD and routine. For the last month his routine had somehow eased but now it was clear it was back and it was back hard. In Henry’s mind, it was back to normal and it was a good thing. He was comfortable like that, for him everything was fine and perfect. While speaking, his tone was very calm, he was looking around at the books, sometime coming back at his Doctor's eyes. Those deep green eyes were making the weird warm sensation coming back so his gaze returned to the books.

 

When he finished talking about his week, which took around an hour, Henry casually stood up and moves toward the books on the bookcase and without thinking much started to replace them by colour matching. He was trying to calm his heart beat by putting his mind on something he knew had alway help him calm his stress away. It was not very efficient though, his heart still beating too fast and the warm feeling still there. He pulled out every book and put them one by one. While doing so, he started to hum softly a melody, probably something he had heard somewhere. Why his heart wouldn’t calm down? Why was he so happy to see his Doctor? It was not like that before... or was it? He had the impression he was missing something in the equation, but what was it? The ginger continued taking out books and putting them back in order for him, humming.

[Raychu]

A normal week? Everything Henry had explained was in exact detail. He was returning back into that star of needing everything to be exactly his way. His routine. They had spent time working on just his OCD, why had it come back after it had seemed to calm. What was stressing the boy out now to arrange the books? Not that Naoki minded, he never touched his books anyway. It was fine for the ginger to arrange them to his liking, the onto concern was why he was doing it all of a sudden. Henry had never once displayed his OCD habit while in session, this was the first time. If anything, the was only making the doctor more anxious as he watched the other act so happily. Being held to his strict routine wouldn't help him grow, it was restraining him. He needed to let things go more freely, how was he supposed to make Henry understand this? He was doing so well in the beginning, everything was going so smoothly, what changed? What caused for the regression of progress? Why?

 

Naoki looked around the room nervously as if someone was watching him. The door was closed, no one would enter, no hidden cameras lied in the room, there was nothing that could be used against him. He got up from the chair, walking over to Henry, hugging him from behind. His eyes still moved around the room, as if his situation was compromised, someone was watching him only to cause him to fail. Someone was playing a game to make him lose his job. He pushed away this paranoia as he held the boy tighter. A reassurance for both of them it seemed like. He was finally able to hold the boy like this, craving the touch the entire week. They went through so much the last time they saw each other. He did t talk to Henry, knowing that was a huge mistake. Now Henry was here, in front of the Doctor, they both needed this touch. As if he was energizing up on the younger boy just by being able to hold. He dreaded this day, he was glad it came fast though.

 

"What's the matter? Why do you feel the need to arrange the books by color? What are you thinking about?" The brunette was just asking the ginger standard questions, instead of them being monotone like usual, he had emotion and meaning into them. He lightly kissed Henry on the back of his head as he continued to watch his books be arranged by color. Something he hadn't seen much before. His patients rearranged papers, pillows on the couch, chairs, they never once touched his books. They always remained a mess like usual. "I don't think it's good that you have reverted back to this. Why did you suddenly want to go back to this schedule, Henry? It's not helping you," he murmured, placing another light kiss as he grip tightened. He was random. One minute it was self pity, the next it was love and affection. He was going against internal conflicts, it was worth it when he was able to hold the other like this.

[taviss]

Henry stoped humming when he felt his Doctor in his back wrapping his arms around and hugging him. He was a bit confused by that display of tenderness. He was completely clueless on why Dr. Jinta would do that, but it was very warming and comforting, so he continued placing the books without too much reaction. The ginger casually replied to the other’s question:

 

-“Mhm, I just like them to be by colours. It’s better when it’s organised.” The ginger heart beat increased as Dr. Jinta hugged him more tightly. The book slipped off his hand on the ground when he felt a kiss on his head. That was more than a simple display of caring, the gesture meant an intimacy. The ginger froze in place, confused. He was liking it, in fact more loving it but it was still weird. His mind was fogged, the feeling of missing something very important growing. Henry closed his eyes, letting all the warm feeling, tenderness, loving sensation invading his body. He opened his mouth to reply to his Doctor next question but he was stoped by a second kiss. On that moment, even if his body was asking for more love, his mind, too confused, made him talked:

 

-“Mhm, I’m sorry Dr. Jinta, but I don’t understand what you’re doing. It’s weird... because I like it and it’s very calming. But ... is it some kind of a new therapy? I just don’t understand...” He said in a calm but confused tone. His stress, his fear of his own heart beat had disappeared. Even if he didn’t know why he was loving it so much and why his Doctor was doing it in the first place, the young man, his eyes still closed, didn’t move nor tried to escape the grip. His breathing became heavier.

[Raychu]

Naoki was confused, just as much as Henry was. "A new.... form of therapy? N-No, that's not-!" The doctor retracted his arms, stumbling back as his eyebrows furrowed. This was in no way a new form of therapy, he would t dare lay a finger on one of his patients. Well, that's a bit contradictory to what he did the previous Tuesday with Henry, but that was besides the point. He knew very well that he did someone with the ginger, he touched him, they had a moment of confession, so why was his actions being questioned? The other didn't understand? Understand what? The doctor didn't quite get why Henry was all of a sudden closed off to this. Hey both had to be equally confused as he felt his heart almost fall from his chest when the other states he didn't understand. That hurt. Everything they did seemed to be meaningless. Nothing made sense to him, no matter how hard he tried to comprehend it.

 

"Henry? What happened the last Tuesday you met with me? Can you recall that day?" The voice was so quiet, almost a hushed whisper as he sat back down in his chair, just observing his patient now. This wasn't good. Not at all. He tried so hard to figure out this mess. Was there a memory loss? Was Henry ignoring him because of it? Naoki replay was starting to regret not trying to get ahold of him via the phone, he just didn't know what to say. Anything would've been good apparently. Because this, this was like hundreds of pins were being slowly stabbed into his heart, it hurt so much. If anyone needed help and therapy, it was probably the doctor himself. He felt like the crazy one for touching Henry like that, though he expected a much different response than what he was given. Had he images that whole situation up? Was eh that sick to want his patient so desperate he would imagine up some sick sex scene in his head? No. He wasn't that vivid, he knew what happened last week was real. What about Henry? Did he know it was real?

[taviss]

Henry was still confused to the answer of his Doctor. If it was not a new form of therapy, what was it then? The ginger felt disappointment when the older man retracted. He was feeling cold in his back, the warm sensation of the other man disappearing, feeling an emptiness forming in him. He was disappointed! Why was he disappointed? He wanted to stay like that. He wanted to feel Dr. Jinta warm around him more. The ginger had felt that warm before. The sensation of that warm been felt and then taken back was not new. When, why or how, that he didn’t know but he was sure it was something he knew already. Henry’s eyes opened widely, thinking hard. He leaned to take the book that had fall on the floor and placed it back in the bookcase.

 

He was about to take a new book to place when he heard his Doctor question, stopping his movement again. Last Tuesday... Last Tuesday... It’s only then he realised that he had no idea! The young man sat down on the ground facing the bookcase. Last Tuesday... He could recall he had left the house like every Tuesday to come to his appointment but he blacked out before reaching the clinic. Was it Frederick again? Probably. But he knew that he was missing something more and that was not Fred. His mind was fogged but he tried to remember. The ginger place his two hands on his head, closed his eyes and tried to recreate the day in his mind. He remembered hearing a loud sound and blacked out. He remembered waking up in a place he didn’t know and feeling sick. A man was there... A nice and handsome man... A voice he knew... Eyes he knew... Was him his Doctor? His memory was coming back slowly while he was sitting on the floor. Dr. Jinta had found him and took him along back to his place. His heart beat increased, a nice feeling growing inside him. He remembered talking to him and falling asleep again. He remembered his heart burning. He remembered a call, his grand mother and leaving quickly ... and lied to her! He couldn’t remember why or what was the lie, but he knew he had lied to her. All the rest was fogged, some feeling of touches coming back but he couldn’t tell if they were real or a dream. Henry turned back to look at the older man and said:

 

-“Did Fred come out? I remember walked to come here but I blacked out... My mind is a mess... I think I woke up at your home... I remember feeling very sick. You took care of me... thank you. I know that I’m missing something but it’s clouded. I’m sorry. Did I sleep all the time? Or did I talk? I think we talked... I’m sorry I was probably troublesome for you.” Henry turned completely and leaned his back on the bookcase. “I can’t remember... You may tell me, it could help.” He smiled lightly.

[Raychu]

Naoki watched the boy closely, his eyebrows knit in concern. Why did Henry not remember? It was so hard to understand, even for him. He was a psychologist, he was supposed to understand the human brain, he was meant to be able to grasp why or why not of the brain. He should've been able to identify the problems, point out the cause, and find a solution. None of those steps were helping, the were just making him even more lost than he was before. The brunette rubbed his temple was he focused his attention to the time on the clock. The more he dwelled on this, the worse his migraine would become. He didn't understand, that was all. Maybe at some point he could figure it out, trying to force himself to understand the situation would only make it harder. Henry didn't remember, it was odd, but that was the fact. One he had to deal with. Henry didn't remember.

 

"Oh? Yes, Frederick did make an appearance, however, I only saw him right before you both blacked out. Sleep all the time? Not particularly. We did talk," he said softly. Naoki was going against himself now. He had the decision to make, one that could change everything. He could tell Henry to make him understand. Or he could keep quiet and let this slide by. He didn't like the idea of just letting it go. Not after their talk. It wouldn't be worth it to only go against his job once and never face his feelings. It would be completely worthless. The brunette didn't want it to be for nothing. "Frederick got you drunk, I took him to my place to calm down. He threw up, then he blacked out. You woke up, I gave you some medicine, then you happened to fall back asleep. After you woke up once more, we spoke about what had happened with Frederick. Then I guess... We hugged, you tried to run away, I stopped you. Then after... We perhaps... Some touching had occurred. To be frank, we had sex. Then we spoke, and then you ran off after you spoke with your grandma." Saying this felt so wrong in the office. This was the room of his job, yet he was saying things he shouldn't be and it felt so right.

[taviss]

Henry was looking and listening to his Doctor’s explanations on what had happen. He had not given more detail about the day but it was confirming what he could remember. The ginger was hoping for a bit more information about what they had talked but in the same time it must have been ordinary. He probably had an anxiety attack and so talked to calm him. He had probably been troublesome for the Doctor but he was too professional to tell him the truth. The younger man watched Dr. Jinta’s reflective face, finding him very handsome. To that thought, Henry’s heartbeat increased, felling a need to be touche... To be touche just like a couple of minutes ago, the hug, the kisses on his head. They had felt so calming, warm and reassuring. To be touche like... A memory came back to him, not very clear but like a feeling of having an old dream he couldn’t really remember. Dr. Jinta started to talk again, erasing his thought about the dream. This time, the words his Doctor was telling him were different. They were clear facts. And while they were voiced, Henry’s eyes were widening. Drunk... Black out... Woke up... Sleep... Woke up... Talk... Hug...Run... Touching... Sex... Talk... Run... Hey wait! SEX!

Henry’s mind was still a complete mess but the cloud was lighter than it was before. He was remembering the day more clearly now. It was still feeling like a far dream, unable to remember details or really putting images, but the sensations were there. Henry felt a warm sensation in his chest, his heart beating faster. He didn’t looked away and said:

 

-“Oh... It’s very foggy... Like if it was a very distant dream, but I kind of remember now, I think... I’m sorry. I should remember something like that... but it’s...” Henry stoped putting a hand on his burning chest, his breathing fastening almost out of it. He looked at the ground in panic, trying to calm his breath but it was useless. The burning in his chest was too painful. Now his breathing was very fast and noisily, he looked at his Doctor, panic in his eyes, asking for help.

[Raychu]

Panic shot through Naoki like a bullet, piercing through his heart as he felt a large pain form in his chest. Had he mad the wrong decision? Should he have not told Henry about their intimate time during their last meet up? It's too late to ponder that now, right now the health of the ginger was the most important thing. The doctor sprang from his chair as he sat on the floor, scooting his way over to the younger boy. The look in the eyes of his slant to be loved, made the older man feel nothing but guilt and shame. He wasn't meant for his, not at all. He shouldn't be with Henry, he was being selfish wasn't he? Was this even okay for the wellbeing of the boy? Was this even fair for both of them in the end? To the doctor, it was. At the same time, it wasn't. It was so hard for him to just accept one feeling over another, as if every time he was certain, he wouldn't become contradicted with a new feeling to change his mind all over again. An endless pattern on repeat, something he couldn't escape from. It was sending him mad, not being able to understand himself even though he knew him better than anyone. Naoki just didn't understand want to do anymore.

 

"It's okay. I'm here, you're fine," his voice soft and soothing as he pulled Henry into a gentle hug. It was a sweet moment of intimacy through it wasn't in the best of situations. He would've preferred this over something calmer, nicer, not this. It didn't matter though, Naoki as just glad to be able to hold Henry once more. His could be one of the last times he ever gets to hold the younger boy in his arms. Though he didn't want to accept this as the truth, he couldn't completely deny it either. There was a large possibility that he might have to let the ginger go. Thdoctor didn't want to let go, he wanted to be selfish like a child with their most precious toy, he wanted to protect that you forever, just like he wanted to protect Henry. He was so scared if he let go, he would make a mistake of a lifetime, one the older man might never be able to fix.

 

"Just breathe for me. Deep, slow breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Relax, just relax," he murmured softly in Henry's ear as he pulled him into a tighter hold. Out of an instinct that seemed to develops so quickly, he gently placed a small kiss on the ginger's head like he had before. This time, he wouldn't be questioned, the other wouldn't be confused by his presence, it would be well. Right now the main focus was to make sure Henry was okay. At the moment, he was not. It was up to Naoki to calm him down. "It's okay, I promise Henry. You're fine. What's the matter?"

[taviss]

The burning in his chest, his heart going crazy, the difficult breathing, it was almost like he was having a heart attack. Was he going to die? All the pain and the panic seamed to calm a little the moment Dr. Jinta took him in his arms, talking gently. The warm, the feeling of being hold and the comforting of the gesture made Henry calm slowly. He listened to his Doctor’s instructions and try to focus on his breathing. His body that was very tense from the panic attack, slowly relaxed. The pain in his chest disappeared gradually and his breathing calming too. After many long minutes, the ginger finally appeased, letting his body rest in the other man’s arms.

 

Henry was able to think again now that his mind was not in a false urgency of dying. The warm feeling around his body made him realised how much he wanted it. He didn’t know why or how he had forgotten but he wanted his Doctor close to him. The warm feeling growing in his heart made more sense. He had panicked because he had forgot something very important, he had forgot his own feeling. He had forgot how that man was important to him. He had forgot events that he should have treasured. The cloud in his mind still making the last Tuesday events a bit like a dream, but he knew what had happen even if it was not in detail. How had he forgot everything all the week till now? It was a mystery for him. Henry, with a weak voice replied to his Doctor:

 

-“How could I forget something so important? How?” Henry placed his arms around the brunet in a thigh hug, his head resting on his Doctor’s chest. “How could I forget my feeling for you? I don’t want you to let me go, ever, Naoki.” He gripped the other man’s clothes in his hands, while tears started to fall on his cheeks, his body reacting at the aftereffects of the panic attack.

[Raychu]

"Hush Henry, it's okay. You remember now, it's completely fine. I'm just glad you did remember. I was worried you had forgotten and I would lose you. But I didn't, it's okay," his voice so calm and soothing. The first thing to do was to calm his younger lover, then they could talk about this. Right now, Henry's rushed up anxiety was his first worry. Henry was his first priority in general. The older man pushed Henry away a bit, lifting his chin up with his finger so he was facing him. "It's alright. See? I'm still here, I won't let you go." He leaned in, pressing a light kiss to the other's lips. He pulled away and began to kiss his cheeks, as if he was kissing away the tears that had began to fall. He kissed the lips lightly once more, before pulling him into a tighter hug than before. He felt terrible for causing this panic attack to happen, but he needed Henry to know. If Henry completely forgot, he would've lost everything he had. His feelings for the boy were strong, he couldn't just let them go.

 

"Are you okay now? Let me tell you something, it's okay you didn't remember. I don't know the reason why you didn't, but you didn't completely forget either. I'm still able to touch you and show you affection right now. That's all I could want. Don't worry about it. I'm still here," he murmured, placing more kisses on top of his head. He was so worried, ow that worry faded with the words he used to calm Henry. He felt so horrible for shutting Henry out at first, he needed to let him in before he completely lost him again. Everything was so hard for him to just take in. If the way he behaved had anything to do with the pushing of the memory, then he needed to fix himself. Letting the ginger go could be costly. "I love you, Henry."

[taviss]

His Doctor’s words were so comforting for him. Looking in those beautiful deep green eyes made the ginger shiver lightly. Henry’s eyes naturally closed when Naoki kissed him. He left them closed while he was kissed on his cheeks, feeling his heartbeat increasing in a good way this time. It was still a mystery why he had forgotten his own feeling toward the man who was showing him so much tenderness now. He wanted him closed, wanted to touch him more. He wanted to be more than just his patient. That realisation made him remember it was not a new sentiment at all. He was feeling it for a long time and knowing it, but I had forgot it in the last week. Again everything was so weird now that he could remember. How could he had simply forget a sentiment like that? In fact, during the week, he had felt mostly nothing at all. Like before knowing Naoki, at that time he was unable to feel any kind of sentiment except anxiety or stress.

 

Again Naoki’s words were heart warming for the young one. Henry simply nodded “mhm” to let him know that he was okay now. He smiled, his eyes closed while being kissed on his head. His body was still very weak after the panic attack he had before, so he was simply there, not really moving, his hands simply laid on his Doctor’s torso. He was simply smiling in the arms of his Naoki, loving the tender gestures the burnet was giving him. He was receiving every kiss like a gift. He drifted in some kind of trance of comfort and was slowly falling asleep when Naoki spoke again. ‘I love you, Henry.’ It took him a minute to slowly come back from his drifted trance mind, the words taking that time to be processed. He slowly came back to reality his face turning from a calm sleepy smile to a weird confused face. Naoki had just said that he was loving him! Realising perfectly the words now, the young man’s face turned as red as a ginger's face can, which is very red. His eyes were wide opened, looking down, his heart pounding fast. He was processing the words for another long minute. He said still looking down:

 

-“I.. I think, I... love you... hmm, no... I love you.” He looked up at Naoki, smiling with every muscle of his face, his eyes almost closed because of his huge smile. He was so happy it was almost painful. He had not much more energy, it was mostly drained by the attack but his body was still screaming for more love. He wanted to be kissed deeply, touched and to be loved. Still looking in his lover’s eyes, smiling more shyly, Henry said almost murmuring:

 

-“Kiss me... touche me... make love to me... please~ ... I promise I’ll be quiet. Nobody will hear us.”

[Raychu]

A soft smile made its way to Naoki's face as he heard the other day he loved him. Even though there was originally an 'I think' in front of it, he didn't mind one bit. Hearing such sweet words be spoken by the boy set him on fire. He wanted nothing more than to just hug and hold him for eternity, be able to shower him freely with love and affection as they did behind the closed doors. Naoki was openly gay, he had been for many years. He accepted his sexuality with pride, which meant he loved showing off his lovers. As if to prove a point to the kids in the closet that it was okay to be who they were. Being in his relationship with Henry, he didn't have as many privileges as he would've preferred. He wanted to hold Henry's hand in public, kiss him, hug him, say simple sweet nothings. Not have to be covered by a door that had to hide them for the reason they were client and therapist. Their ages made it a whole lot harder as well. He ached knowing it had to be hidden or his job would be lost. Many wouldn't fret over the loss of a simple job if it was for the obey they loved. But Naoki loved his job as well. Everyone could love many things, these were just two of the things he loved. His job and Henry. Losing one or the other could destroy him.

 

The words that left he ginger's mouth made Naoki visible freeze. As if within the next ten seconds of deciding what to do, he stopped breathing. His body tensed in the touch as his green eyes locked on the door handle. Did he lock it? No, he didn't remember doing so. He would give nothing more than to touch and make love to Henry, in his office just felt so wrong. Like a betrayal to the job or the clients he held in the room. At the same time, it felt wrong to keep his lover guessing. Why did he have to choose so early? Why couldn't it have happened elsewhere? He pulled from the hug as he slowly dragged his feet to be door, taking slow deep breaths in an attempt to calm him heart. It wasn't beating fast for anticipation or from worry. He was angry at himself for letting his job get the better of him once and leave his lover guessing. Now he was about to do it again. No. This time he would make it clear that he loved Henry, no matter what.

 

"I... As long as your quiet," he murmured. He locked the door, turning the handle a few times to make sure it wouldn't open. He turned back giving a playful smile to Henry as he walked back over. His eyes naturally flitted back to the door for a few seconds, that worry still buried deep within him. He lightly kissed Henry, slowly letting it deepen to its fullest. He didn't want to rush it this time. Last time he went with the flow, this time it could be taken in a more passionate route. He pulled back, whispering in a hushed tone, "I love you a lot." He pressed into another kiss, pulling Henry closer, desperate for their bodies to touch.

[taviss]

Henry felt Naoki tensing, his breath stopping, his eyes looking at the door. The ginger knew he had asked a lot from his lover. He knew that his office was almost a sacred place, the place for being a Doctor with a patient. It was clear he had asked a lot, but Henry needed it. As if he was not convinced by his words, felling the incertitude of the last time inside him. Last week, his Doctor had shown attraction for him, saying warming words but just after retracted, saying one thing to just go back after. Even if Henry wanted to trust Naoki’s words, he felt it was not enough, scared he would take them back again. Asking for intimacy right now in the office, was his way to ask a proof, a way to be sure his words were sincere and that this time, he wouldn’t retract.

 

At his Doctor’s words, Henry smiled. Was he really going to choose him? When he saw Naoki’s playful smile, the younger’s became huge. An intense feeling of joy exploded in him. This time his lover wouldn’t go back. His words were sincere. Henry knew that for the brunet, his job was all his life and all he had. He was going to keep his part of the deal and stay mute even if he had to bite his hand for it. He opened widely his arms to welcome the older man, still sitting on the floor. The kiss was feeling more like love than sex. The ginger almost cried, sensing he was really loved by Naoki. When his lover pulled back a little to say again those sweet words, the younger didn’t hesitate a second and replied “I love you too” smiling softly as his lips were being taken again and his body dragged closer. His heart beats were going faster and louder. His breath was heavier. Henry let himself be warped in love.

[Raychu]

Naoki deepened the kiss before pushing Henry back into the chair. Following in front of him every step of the way, he began undoing the buttons to his shirt. Letting the material slide off his body, he leaned down, initiating another kiss with the boy. He wanted to be able to touch Henry everywhere, get a better taste of him than the last time. Now he could have a little more power over the boy, allow him to finally get a feel of the other. The doctor wanted nothing more than the simple opportunity of being able to kiss the boy as freely as he had before. Last time Henry had more of the control, Naoki ended up going with the flow of what he was feeling. This time they could both feel it. They could both feel the emotions from one another. It wouldn't just be one trying to desperately display his feelings while the other just went along with it. It was him and Henry together in it.

 

"Henry," he said so softly, his voice husk. He crouched down as he began to kiss Henry's neck with feather light kisses. He gently sucked in the skin as his hands snaked around he body. He lifted Henry's shirt up barely as he brushed his fingertips lightly on the skin. He didn't want to rush into it, he wanted to give the boy more sensual of touches rather than diving straight it. He pulled away giving Henry another quick kiss before tugging at the pants. He pulled them off, trying to new slow and gentle. He dropped them to the floor as he nuzzled his nose into the boy's thigh, letting his breath tickle the skin. Once again he gently sucked on the skin, nipping lightly. He gave feather light kisses among the thing, reaching his face in between the legs. Naoki hadn't done this in a long time, trying to remember how he even did it in the beginning. He didn't want to mess up, he wanted Henry to feel good. Even if this was or wasn't his first time, he didn't want to completely mess up and make a fool of himself.

[taviss]

Henry let his body be guided by Naoki’s enveloping tenderness, having only enough energy left to follow his movements. He let his body fall in the chair his lover had helped him moved to. Seeing his Doctor taking off his shirt in front of him, made Henry smiled and his cheeks blushed. The vision of the man he loved taking off his clothes willingly and consciously without the ginger’s help was by itself a proof he was serious and accepting Henry’s feeling and his own. The kisses, the light touches sent shivers in his body. He put his arms around his lover’s neck, intertwining his tongue in the deep kiss. He felt all the passion and love of the other in those kisses, the ginger replying the same way. The deep kisses set Henry’s body on fire. A thin line of saliva fell down to his chin when Naoki pulled away

 

Hearing his name whispered in the beautiful husked tone of his lover sent an intense shiver in his body. He wrapped his arms around Naoki even more when he started to kiss the ginger’s neck. Those light kisses, his Doctor’s fingers sliding gently on his skin made his body twitched. Henry was over sensitive, feeling every small touches, breathing on his skin, hearing every little sound, his own heavy breath, the fabric rubbing. The young man felt billion of electric chocks of pleasure spreading in his body at every little touche. Seeing his Doctor kneeled in front of him to take off his pants and again kissed him gently but on his thighs made the young man sighed. His eyes were naturally closing but he kept them half opened. He wanted to see everything. He was afraid that if he closed them everything around would disappear into nothing. That if he closed them, he would forget everything again or Naoki would stop and retract again. He needed to see everything. He needed to be sure it was not a dream. He wanted to be sure of his lover sincerity in his words and feeling.

 

Henry slid his left hand to reach Naoki’s hand on his thigh and intertwined their fingers together.

[Raychu]

Naoki smiled when their fingers intertwined, looking up to show how happy he was to Henry. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Right now, it's all about you," he murmured. The older man felt a need to reassure the finer that he wouldn't be leaving this time, for the sake of north their sanities. If he didn't say it, he still felt unsure that he wasn't going to lose Henry. A job was a mere thing in life that could be replaced, a once in a lifetime love was not. This time he was sure it wasn't just a simple like, or a childish crush, nor a spring fling. This was love, a feeling that was hard to come by. Naoki finally understood this when the other had lost his memory, aka losing Henry all together. He never thought losing the ginger could be so heart wrenching, that it could take away his ability to breathe. He was so sure that just simply saying the word like was enough to ride him over, enough to get rid of a burning desire in him. Almost losing Henry changed that. Liking wasn't enough, it had to be love. It just had to.

 

Naoki took the chance to use his free hand to tug down Henry's underwear halfway, not bothering to completely remove them. He lightly sucked on the boy's inner thigh once more, trailing kisses to his cock. He used his free hand to gently stroke the ginger's hardened member as he kissed the tip lightly. The older man started with slow teasing licks up and down the shaft, and roughly against the slit of the tip. He wanted to start it slow, teasing the sensations of the body before he went further. If he was going to do this in his office, in his sacred area, then he was going to make it pleasurable for both of them. He wanted to see the younger boy squirm at simple touches. He wanted to see a lustful, lewd look on Henry's face. One that would be caused by him, and him alone.

 

"Remember. Shh," he said softly, putting a finger to his lips for effect. Keeping their fingers intertwined, he dipped his head as he opened his mouth, enevloping the dick with his mouth. He bobbed his head slowly, gliding his tongue gently along the shaft, repeating over and over. He took it as far as he could in his mouth until his reflex kicked in, begging to have it removed. He pulled up to just the tip, sucking roughly as he lowered his head once more. He may not have been the most romantic in the beginning, but he had his years of experience under his belt. That didn't mean he had a huge ego from his experience, he knew he wasn't the best in the world, that didn't mean he couldn't give his partners pleasure from what he did know. Continuing to bob his head, his movements quickened, pressing his tongue a bit more roughly against the tip as he pulled up, gliding as he went down.

[taviss]

Henry nodded lightly smiling to Naoki to let him know his words had reached his heart. The ginger’s body was extremely sensitive, maybe an after effect of the panic attack or because of all the emotions and the declaration of his lover but, because of the over sensitivity of his body, a moan escaped his lips when the oldest man started to kiss and lick his cock. He bit his lower lip, sorry about the sound he had made. His cheeks were red of all the emotions and sensations he was feeling in him. His breath was heavy and transparent liquid had already started to fall from his shaft. The more touches he received the more electric shock passed in him, the intensity of it increasing and deepening. Henry was sure he would cum even if Naoki was only blowing his warm breath on his skin.

 

Again, Henry nodded in reply to his Doctor, placing his free hand over his mouth. He looked at his lover, the visual of it, only increased all his sensations. The man he loved was between his legs, licking his manhood, loving him. His heart beat was fast and loud. He loved that man so much and he was loving him too. He didn’t want anything else that to show him how much important he had become to him. A louder moan escaped the young man’s lips, muffled by his hand, when his lover took him in his mouth. Henry’s body twitched slightly at Naoki’s every movements. Every little licking, sucking, the warm mouth of his Doctor, his lover’s saliva mixed with his precum dripping slowly between his legs made the ginger’s moans more and more difficult to keep quiet even if he managed to stay silent, only his heavy breathing being audible. The pleasure built in him quickly and intensely. He started to lick his hand that was covering his mouth, licking lightly at first but quickly more and more passionately to a point when two of his fingers was in his mouth, French kissing them like it was his lover’s tongue, saliva ran down on his chin and neck. Henry pressed hard Naoki’s hand that was intertwined with his to let him know he had reached his limit. He bit his other hand hard to stop his voice, his breathing stopping at the same time, his cum releasing in Naoki’s mouth. His body twitched and shook slightly, pleasure overrunning his entire body.

 

For the first time he closed his eyes, his body still shivering of his intense orgasm. He opened his eyes, a numbed smile on his lips and looked at his Naoki. He had promised to stay silent but he needed to say something, so he let his body slid slowly off the chair on his lover’s laps. He wrapped his arms around the older man’s neck and whispered in his ear:

 

-“More, I want you more” He licked slowly and passionately the ear of the man he loved.