Paradoxical [private]

[munechika]

 

There had to be a difference between knowing and feeling. To know something is new or to feel something is new, there's definitely a disconnect. Kasey didn't recognize this bed, this house this pillow these walls, but even when he could grasp it was "new" he couldn't recall anything to label "old". But he knew it was there, in the apartment he used to live in, in the solitude.

 

Well, if he dwelled on it any longer, he'd end up going in circles again. It wasn't like anyone was going to quiz him on his past, so honestly he had nothing to worry about. What he did need to know though, was where his (dad, brother, not strangers) kept the sugar.

 

Pawing through cabinets and putting up a pathetic front of knowing what he was doing, Kasey finally gave up his search with a sag of shoulders. His head turned towards Joel.

 

"Hey, uh, sugar... know where it is?" Only heathens ate corn flakes without sugar.

[-JOKE-]

 

All he could do was feel sorry for the boy the night he came walking through the door and into their house, into his own life. A mere stranger who was going through some rough patches was all Casey was to Joel, maybe a brother but one that he had never learned to love or cherish. Just a brother who fell into his own lap from thin air because he had no where else to go and they were bounded by blood. The night Casey appeared his father or more accurately their father had introduced them to one another. Joel recalled Casey seeming a little gloomy but of course he would be after his mother's death and then being thrown into new and strange surroundings. Joel had already decided that after giving his brother some well needed space that he'd approach Casey and befriend his brother. But he wondered how to approach a person who seemed so breakable.

 

Now it was him, dad, and Casey. Joel's own mother wouldn't have won a Mother of the Year Award, as far as Joel could tell the woman blamed him for her pathetic life. He had known he was despised by the women, she called him names and laid her hands on him until she had abandoned him when he was 13, it wasn't until his father showed up in his life that things began to get better. He was once in Casey's shoes, coming to a new place that was now home, something yourself had not decided but it was decided for you. Joel remembered how angry and viscous he was towards his father when he first met him, he didn't trust the man and behaved badly just to spite the man. It took awhile but he learned to love his new family and home, he still made trouble at times but never to spite his father. He knew what it was like to be Casey, not entirely but somewhat and he was prepared to help the boy adjust to everything.

 

"Hey, uh, sugar... know where it is?"

 

Joel was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal, marshmallow cereal to be exact. His father left for work about half an hour ago and was told to let Casey sleep in as much as the boy liked but it seemed he was an early riser just like the rest of them. "Yeah...in the cupboard to your left." Joel pointed towards the cupboard with a spoon and then continued to eat his breakfast, he realized a little later that those were the first things they've said to one another other than their awkward 'greetings' the other night. Joel wanted to give his condolences about Casey's mother but he felt that reminding the boy of his dead mother would break him into pieces and Joel wasn't the best at dealing with other people's emotions. "Dad already went to work, he said you can sleep in for today if you wanted...Or you could hang out with me, I don't mind if you want company." Bringing up the boys mother was definitely not the path to take, he wanted to be more familiar with Casey before he had to deal with his emotional problems, he could barely stand his own sometimes.

 

[munechika]

 

The cupboard to his left... Kasey's hand ghosted over the wood until his fingers grasped the knob, and lo and behold! The sugar was probably in the lone porcelain container. Plucking it from the shelf and peeking inside, it was either sugar or salt and he'd bet the quality of his breakfast it was the former. It was nice and loose too, no awkward lumps he had to break with a spoon, and Kasey was back at the table by the time Joel spoke up again.

 

Hmm, dump it all in one go or sprinkle it? In the end the same amount of sugar was being added, so did it really matter? That was the decision Kasey was faced with while he listened to the blond boy say something about his--their father.

 

He's sprinkle it. It looked better that way.

 

Swirling his spoon through the bowl, Kasey took an experimental bite and concluded he'd made a decent batch of cereal and milk this morning.

 

"Food tends to wake me up, so I don't think sleeping in is much of an option." Another bite. "You don't mind me hanging around you for awhile?" Chew, swallow. Probably shouldn't talk with his mouth full. He said "awhile" but what he really had in mind was "the day" because without school to suck six hours out of his schedule, Kasey was left with an abundant amount of free time. More than he knew what to do with, really.

[-JOKE-]

 

Honestly having a brother was something he had wished for when he was much younger, he always enjoyed the idea of having someone to guide and be the hero of, those of course were merely selfish and idealistic desires. "Sure, I can take a day off to spend it with my little brother." The blonde grinned a bit, he enjoyed the title of older brother, it gave him a bit of satisfaction and power. Usually he'd be going over to his friends house of inviting them over to his own but taking a day to spend it with Casey wasn't a bad idea, it would surely make the both of them feel more comfortable with one another.

 

After finishing breakfast he put his dishes in the sink and motioned towards Casey, signalling the younger boy to follow him. The blonde was wearing his usual attire on summer mornings, a black tank-top and the boxer briefs he fell asleep in the night before. He wasn't that aware of his surroundings, not taking the time to think if Casey would approve of his appearance. He wasn't thoughtless towards the raven haired boy, he just saw no point in changing habit. He continued down the hallway and into his own room, expecting that Casey was following right after him. "I don't know about the whole day but we can play some video games or read comic books until I feel like getting out of the house." He said as he shuffled about his room revealing his games and comic books to Casey, hoping he'd be entertained for awhile with his things.

 

He left Casey to it, he plopped down on the floor and waited for the younger one to decide what he would indulge in whether it be video games or comic books. Then out of no where he opened his mouth. "Do you miss your friends back home? I mean back where you used to live." Joel was a bit curious as to how Casey had lived his life before moving though he hoped his careless approach wouldn't upset the boy too much.

 

[munechika]

 

The person across the table was named Joel. There wasn't a big problem with Kasey referring to him as such, but it got to be a problem when the man he should call "dad" translated to "Mr. Knight" on his tongue. The boy stopped chewing for a second, then continued with his meal a beat later nodding. "Thanks, best big brother I never knew I had." The concept of a sibling and a mostly present parent was still pretty foreign to him, but he could adjust. Considering he was bound to spend the rest of his life connected to these people, Kasey was sure he'd have more than enough time to transition from strangers to family.

 

But it still felt weird at this stage. (Never mind the there-but-not-there memories he had of his mother and their empty apartment. Were they real? Probably. So why did it feel like he was viewing a movie than reliving memories? Ugh, no, this was the breakfast table stop that.)

 

Kasey dumped his dishes into the sink moments after Joel, and trailed behind him as he exited the kitchen. It occurred to him just before the blond opened the door that he hadn't actually seen the other's room since he arrived, and he was a little curious as to what it looked like. How similar it was to his, how different. If the bed was more comfortable. That was the first thing Kasey eyed as he stepped into foreign territory, and it looked just about as nice as his.

 

His attention was drawn away by the prospect of books or video games. Crouching on the floor and browsing the titles of each, his mind was already made up before he set his sights on any of them. Before, he'd been too poor to afford consoles, never mind video games. Joel was probably better at them, but perhaps it was a blessing in disguise since Kasey didn't have a thirst for victory today.

 

Still, he wanted to make it seem like he was giving either option equal thought, so he dragged out the process picking up random titles and skimming the descriptions.

 

Kasey's arm paused in the middle of putting down a comic, blinked, then set it fully on the floor. "I didn't have friends." It was strange how little emotion he could associate with that fact. It sounded sad, even to him, but it felt more like reciting a fact than talking about his life.

 

"So no one to miss, and no one to miss me. Worked out in the end, huh?" It was a clean and painless break. Kasey wouldn't say he missed his old home, and had no reason to be attached to his peers either. From an objective standpoint, it was the best possible scenario. But the human side of his brain told him it was just... lonely. "Anyways, I think I'd like to play some video games. You'll probably kick my ass, but I've always been too poor to get any of these so if I suck, it's not my fault."

[-JOKE-]

 

Had no friends? Joel now had more reason to feel sorry for the guy but giving Casey pity was just another way to look down on him and the blonde didn't want to do that. He wondered if Casey had felt lonely and if he did, for how long. He himself had never been alone, he had always had his mother's attention and friends even when he was young but he had felt isolated before. The feeling was like an emotional isolation, he had tons of people around his daily but no one he could truly speak with about his troubles or anyone he could call a true friend. That was in the past though, he had a few good best friends who all care for him as much as he cared for them and he had his father.

 

Even if Casey had no friends, he still had grown up with his mother who probably cherished him well. Joel actually hadn't known a thing about Casey's mother or what kind of person she was, she was obviously troubled hence her suicide. But even so Joel hadn't heard anything ill of her at her funeral, something he and his father attended to meet up with Casey. "..at least you had your mother, right." Joel muttered to the other as he grabbed a controller and turned on his console, he hadn't realized for a minute that what he was thinking had been spoken aloud. The blonde suddenly regret opening his mouth, he hadn't known why he brought the dead woman up in the conversation but he was determined to smooth over the discussion. "You two got along didn't you? She sounded like a nice lady at the funeral service but what would I know, I didn't know her like you." Unfortunately a person's first intentions don't always go through as planned, he had hoped to cease from discussing the dead woman for his own and Casey's sake but now that he had mentioned her, he found himself unable to stop. Joel had been speaking so casually, he heard himself and no doubt would want to kick himself later for his casual manner on this certain topic.

 

Now he felt like he was just being cruel towards the younger man by behaving so casual, he finally shut himself up before he said anything more about Casey's mother and tried to apologize to the other. "..sorry man..I didn't mean to...but whatever, you have me and we're brothers so that makes us friends. Besides you'll make more friends at school, I promise the guys there are really nice..well not all but most." He didn't look at Casey as he apologized, he already felt embarrassed enough by being such an idiot. Changing the topic quickly Joel picked out a video game and put it into the console, handing Casey a controller as the game started loading. "We're playing rainbow six siege, all you have to do is basically shoot the opposing team, it'll be easy to catch on to."

 

[munechika]

 

"...at least you had your mother... nice lady... funeral service..."

 

Kasey paused. What a weird place to hear about his mother. Did people talk about her regularly? He hadn't heard many positive things from their neighbors, but then again, maybe those weren't who Joel had been listening to. The dark-haired boy was tempted to ask whose funeral Joel had gone to, but... that seemed like sensitive information he shouldn't bring up if they were going to have fun.

 

"It's okay, I don't mind talking about her." He wished he could say he missed her, but it wasn't like he spent most of his time with her anyways. Whether she came to visit him after her business trip or not now that she'd lost custody... that was something he was left to wonder about. She was nice when I saw her, but she wasn't really... around a lot. Usually away on business trips for weeks, though I had enough money to pay for rent and food every month because of it." He shrugged. It seemed wrong to trash his absent mother, but the concession felt weak even to him.

 

Kasey had to laugh as Joel began to backtrack. "So all it takes to be friends is to declare it? Okay Joel, consider yourself my first friend." It sounded nice, even if he had his doubts. It was a little weird with those not-memories of never having friends, because he couldn't recall why. Maybe along the way he'd mess up with Joel? Or maybe the people at his old school were harsh, who knew.

 

But they had video games to play, and that was something Kasey was sure of. The controller had all sorts of colored and lettered buttons, and even when Joel said it'd be "easy," Kasey had his doubts. But he nodded anyways, and watched as the game powered up on the screen.

 

There were enemies and blood and attacking and shooting and Kasey saw some control instructions flash on the screen but he did not know what to press. Desperate button mashing and cycling through every combination he thought he knew, Kasey was faced with a "xx killed you" soon enough.

 

He blinked at the screen, controller still in hand. Video games were hard.

[-JOKE-]

 

Business trips? The blonde wondered what Casey had meant by that, if they were poor and struggled as Casey had told him a few minutes ago then his mother probably was working all the time to support the both of them. That sort of behavior didn't make her a bad mother and it seemed to him, in his own opinion that she was trying the best that she could possibly do and being judged for it. On the other hand Casey had to have felt terribly lonely by himself but it wasn't as if his mother could have helped it when work was involved. But he didn't know the whole story so he wasn't going to assume anything at the moment.

 

Even if Casey had never played video games, he assumed the controls were self explanatory and would only take a few rounds to get used to but Casey seemed to be an exception to the rule. Though Joel didn't make it easy for him either, sure Casey had gotten a few accidental kills but Joel massacred him without mercy. It was a bit mean but Casey would eventually get better at the game after he played for a bit longer and Joel actually took some time to explain which buttons were which.

 

"And that's the 15th match I've won. You really are bad at this game." The blonde grinned towards the other that sat by his side, he was teasing Casey a bit and hoped it would annoy the other just a tad bit. While Joel was teasing his phone started buzzing, letting him know that he had received a message. He picked up his phone and looked at the message his friend had sent him. wanna come hang out?? The blonde thought on it for a minute, he wasn't going to play video games the entire day and getting some fresh air was needed. yea, where we going? He sent the message and set his phone down, a minute hadn't even passed before his friend replied. the movies, we're heading to your house now so get dressed 8D

 

Joel looked over towards Casey before turning off the gaming console. "Get dressed, we're going out." Joel stood up and stripped off his shirt as he began digging through his drawers looking for an outfit to wear. He thought getting out of the house and hanging out with a bunch of guys would be good for Casey, his friends were decent guys and would play nice with his brother. Maybe Casey would even make friends with some of them if not all.

 

[munechika]

 

Joel grinned as he relayed that this was, in fact, the fifteenth match Kasey had lost. The raven-haired boy was still staring at the screen and then his controller before he hesitantly returned the gestured. "Yeah, I guess so huh? With some more practice though I'm sure I can..." His eyes, much like Joel's, were drawn to the source of the buzzing that cut into their conversation. Kasey was tempted to crane his neck and catch a glimpse of the words flashing on the screen, but he probably couldn't do it without getting caught by his... brother (it still felt weird, even on his mind's tongue).

 

Instead, Kasey busied himself flicking the... stick thing on the controller back and forth (analogue stick...? Joel mentioned it once). It was a little awkward, listening one-sidedly to the sound of typing from one end before more silence, but as long as he didn't think about it Kasey could pretend the air wasn't getting heavier.

 

With his attention focused on is controller rather than the TV screen, Kasey didn't notice the console being shut off before Joel addressed him. "Huh?" He looked up, and Joel was already taking his shirt off which Kasey took as his cue to get up and leave. And... get dressed, because they were going out apparently. "Oh, I'll go... do that."

 

It was only when Kasey stood before his closet, filled with clothes he vaguely remembered buying, that he thought to question exactly where they were headed. Was he supposed to dress a certain way, or would anything work...? Shifting hangers aside and pausing every few shirts, Kasey was no closer to a decision than he was a few seconds ago.

 

He'd just have to wing it. Throwing on a pair of jeans and white T-shirt, he grabbed a faded red sweater and slipped on sneakers before exiting his room.

 

"So where we going anyways?" he finally asked when he met back with Joel. Silently, he hoped his brother would tell him if he was wearing anything inappropriate.

[ObscureRealization]

- - - - - - - - - - -

[-JOKE-]

 

Joel dressed himself, he decided on wearing grey basketball shorts and an orange t-shirt along with black sneakers. His friends wouldn't take long to get to his house, they all were able to drive but only two actually had cars to drive and they all lived in close proximity from one another. When Casey had entered the room Joel turned to see the boy in his attire, it wasn't that it was bad but they were still in the middle of summer. "Casey, I don't know how cold it is over where you used to live but it can get pretty hot here, especially during summer so we need to get rid of that." The blonde explained as he took a few steps towards the other male and grabbed the sweater, pulling it off Casey's head before throwing it on his own bed. "That's better, now we're going to the movies. A new Captain America movie came out we're going to see it with a few friends of mine, they're cool guys so don't worry." Moments later a loud honk from a car could be heard, it was definitely Joel's friends coming to pick him up. He hadn't told his friends Casey was going along but they knew of him, not exactly of him but Joel had mentioned how his half-brother was moving in with him and his father. "Come on, our rides here."

 

Stepping outside the house Joel began heading towards the red car that was parked in front of the house, he expected that Casey was following behind him and closely for comfort he imagined. "Hey, Nate, you got room in there for two more?" The blonde said as he looked at the guy in the driver's seat, he nodded in response and Joel stepped away from the car to look back at his brother. "Is that your new boyfriend? The guy in the passenger's seat asked, mockingly of course. "Nope, this is Casey, my brother. No worries Jaiden, I'm still single so you have a chance, though it's pretty slim dude." He was only teasing his friend a bit, he did think of himself as a good catch though so any of his friends would have been so lucky to have him as their boyfriends. "Okay so let's go already, you guys are the ones who wanted to bug me about this movie. Come on Casey."

 

Joel opened the car door and stepped into the back seat, he let Casey occupy the window seat and he took the middle. The car ride wasn't long, for most of the ride Joel had focused on the guys and talking about other movies, dating, and video games. He hadn't thought about how he had totally blocked off Casey for the whole time, if he knew he'd say that being with the guys made him forget his surroundings but that was no excuse.

 

When they had finally arrived at the movie theater and the movie started, none of Joel's friends had gotten through 30 minutes of the film before they decided to go play in the arcade room. "Those guys are idiots, drag us here to watch a movie they've been dying to see and none of them even watch half of it before getting bored. What do you think of the movie so far?"

 

[munechika]

 

"Wha--" The rest of Kasey's sentence was muffled by his sweater, pulled over his head and almost dragging his shirt with it. His glasses came out crooked on his nose, and his hair had to be mussed up as well. Shaking his head and readjusting his frames, he didn't bother to try and pat down his hair before smoothing out the front of his shirt.

 

Captain America, huh? He'd heard a little bit about it on the radio and TV, but he hadn't actually planned to go see it. The reviews had been favorable though, so it couldn't be too bad. "Alright, sounds fine by me." He wasn't sure if these "friends" would be as fine, but benefit of the doubt yeah? Kasey simply nodded along, and soon he was trailing after his brother into a car with a bunch of boys that looked around Joel's age.

 

There was some banter and mentions of boyfriends, and all Kasey could do was smile and wave before climbing into the vehicle. Conversation flowed freely then, and he wasn't a part of it but that was fine. He got very well acquainted with the window on the ride there.

 

He expected the movie to go much the same, but their group of several turned into the mere duo of him and Joel, and Kasey honestly didn't notice they'd all gone until the other pointed it out. He'd seen some of them go, sure, but they really had left them all alone. "Maybe they have short attention spans?" he offered, before shrugging and reaching for a handful of popcorn. "It's good; I don't know Marvel but I like it so far anwyays. Popcorn?" He thought to offer the bag, but his fistful of buttered kernels was what ended up being held out.