Island Dreams (Pigeon x -Hideki- 18+)

[Kotorichan]

Malaya blinked and looked over at Ryan, his eyes wide in confusion. "What do you mean?" He asked softly. "If I wear pants then no one will find me appealing. I'll look too much like a person..." He trailed off and frowned as he realized what he was saying. "I'm sorry..." He mumbled, dropping his gaze to the ground. "I shouldn't have said that..."

 

He took the pants and closed the curtain again before starting to change. The islander was starting to feel stupid for how difficult it was for him to act in a way that please Ryan. He just kept falling back into his usual train of thought and saying the things he usually said. Even though Ryan wanted Malaya to stop saying 'master' and stop talking about himself like he was less that a person. He just couldn't stop himself from doing those things. It felt like Ryan must be getting sick of him.

 

Malaya lowered himself to the ground and curled up, trying to force himself to breath so he wouldn't start to cry.

[-Hideki-]

Ryan couldn’t stop himself from sighing deeply. “You don’t need to apologise to me.” He let the other know and scratched his chin. “You will look like a person because you are one. Well, you also look like a person when you’re only wearing a shirt or nothing at all. You actually always do. Point is clothes don’t define whether someone is a person, a human being or not.” He said not sure whether he communicated that well enough.

 

He waited patiently for Malaya but when it started to take way too long he couldn’t keep himself from checking whether the other man was alright or not. The brunette shoved his head through the curtain and he was startled when he saw the young man curled up on the floor. Without caring whether this could be deemed inappropriate or not he pulled the curtain away and kneeled down next to Malaya. “Hey, Malaya are you alright? Are you in pain? Should I call the ambulance? Shit, I don’t even know the number of the ambulance on this island.” The man was worried and called for the lady from the shop who just had to know what number he should dial for the ambulance.

[Kotorichan]

"N-no!" Malaya looked up, his eyes wide and sparkling with tears. "No, I'm sorry, please don't call anyone, I'm fine..." He wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. "Please forgive me... I'm just- I'm just a little overwhelmed from today. I promise I'll be fine, I just need a moment to collect myself." He took a few more deep breaths and rose to his feet. "Please forgive me m-" He cut himself off again, his eyes starting to water. "I'm sorry... I-I know I'm not improving... I promise that I'm trying really hard."

 

"I'll try the clothes on now, I'm sorry I made you wait..." He began to remove the sheer wrap which was the only thing over his skimpy underwear. Malaya saw no reason to hide his body from Ryan. If anything it made him feel strange to be hiding in the dressing room. His body had been public property for so long, it was hard to imagine having any privacy.

[-Hideki-]

A sigh of pure relief was overcoming him when the other spoke and seemed to at least be physically well and he realised that an ambulance was not needed. He let himself sink to the ground completely too and leaned onto the wall of the changing cubicle for a moment. “Thank god, you’re alright! I was worried that you were in physical pain and I feared for your health when I saw you on the ground like that!” He said and pulled him into a hug, his strong arms wrapping around him holding the younger male pressed onto his body, not even thinking about that the other might not be used to it or that everything was different on that damn island at that time, he was just relieved that the other was physically well.

 

Ryan was softly taking the other’s face into his hand as he looked into the teary eyes. “I think you’re improving. And even if not, you don’t have to do anything for me. I didn’t ask you to stop calling me or Fred your master for me but for yourself only. You don’t have to promise me anything and you don’t owe me anything either.” He let him know and pressed a gentle kiss onto the other’s forehead before he got up together with the other.

“I don’t want you to feel pressured by me or around me, this has not been my intention and I am sorry if it did pressure you.” He let the other know.

 

When Malaya just started to change and stood before him almost naked Ryan’s eyes automatically gazed over him for a second before he quickly averted them. “Sorry., didn't mean to stare or anything.” He muffled and then left the changing cubicle for the other to try on the trouser as well.

[Kotorichan]

Malaya bit his lip as he listened to Ryan speak. He wanted to tell the man that it was his own fault for being unable to follow such a simple request. But he was too afraid that if Ryan realized it was Malaya’s fault he might punish the islander.

 

It was impossible for him to hide his surprise as Ryan apologized for staring. “What..?” he frowned slightly. “You can stare if you want... “ He said softly. “If you dislike looking at me then please let me know and I won’t undress in front of you.”

 

He finished changing as quickly as possible before opening the curtain again and looking out at Ryan. "I'm all done... What do you think?" He asked. He did a little spin to show Ryan all the angles. "Should I try on something else or do you like this?"

[-Hideki-]

Ryan was shaking his head and waving his hands. “No, no, no! I didn’t intent to suggest that. I don’t dislike your looks at all, I find you rather attractive actually, I just thought that you might find my gaze uncomfortable or inappropriate and I really shouldn’t stare at you like this.” He explained and got out of the changing cubicle feeling like an idiot.

 

When Malaya came out dressed in the shirt and the trousers he looked really handsome, maybe there even was something pretty on him. “I think you look great. If you aren’t satisfied with it though you can look for something else as well, we have enough time for you to find what you really love and want to wear.” He let him know.

[Kotorichan]

"It isn't that I'm not satisfied... It's just that... I don't know what looks good on me. I don't even really know what I like." Malaya looked away, his cheeks flushed softly. "Except maybe fairy tales..." He admitted. "I know it's a bit silly... I just like to think that maybe real life could be like that..."

 

"Ah, I'm sorry. I got off topic." He quickly looked up. "If you think that I look nice then I'm happy with it. It's very comfortable and I like the colors." He lightly toyed with a loose lock of hair. "I just don't want to be an eyesore."

[-Hideki-]

The brunette man bit his lower lip thinking for a moment, taking a heavy breath. “It’s time to figure out what you like and what you want then. If you liked I could help you to find out.” He offered with a smile looking at the young man who was blushing a little and he couldn’t help himself but to find him quite cute in this moment.

 

A soft chuckle escaped him as he heard Malaya telling him that he actually liked fairy tales and he shook his head when the dark featured male said that this was silly. “No, it really isn’t silly at all.” He let him know. “Especially when you’re having a hard time in your life escaping to a fantasy world where things are better and having hope for finding a better life someday is absolutely understandable.” Ryan said and moved a few steps forward to the other after he had brought some distance between himself and the changing cubicle after openly staring at Malaya, apologising and then telling him that he found him attractive, what had been a little embarrassing to the older architect. “I am glad that you shared this with me and I would like to get to know you better if you let me. What is it that you love the most about those fairy tales? What do you hope will exist in real life for you one day?” the foreigner asked interestedly, hoping that this was not too personal.

 

Hearing that the other found it comfortable was convincing him that the man was at least fine with the clothes since to Ryan comfort was the most important factor when it came to clothing, he wouldn’t ever wear stuff that was uncomfortable and he wouldn’t expect anyone else to wear uncomfortable clothing, so he nodded.

 

When the islander told him he didn’t want to be an eyesore Ryan let slip a small sigh and smiled at the other benignly. “You won’t ever be an eyesore regardless of what you wore. You are a good looking man, pretty even if I may say this, and you look great in those clothes.” He told him placing one hand onto the other’s shoulder patting it. “Do you want to keep it on right away or do you want to change into your other clothes again?” he asked before he went to pay for it.

[Kotorichan]

"I just like that in fairy tales nice people always end up happy..." Malaya said softly. "Even if things get really bad or really painful, things end up okay. I really wish real life was like that.

"I think it would be strange for me to wear this much clothing around the island..." Malaya confessed. "I'll change back to my regular clothing."

He stepped back into the changing stall and began to remove the new clothes. He carefully folded them up before changing back to his usual outfit that barely covered any of his skin. He still couldn't believe what Ryan said about him not being an eyesore. He had spent too much time being told that he had to dress and act a certain way to avoid bothering the guests. But he didn't want to openly disagree with the man, even if Ryan didn't act like it he was still a guest.

 

---

 

Ryan smiled at Malaya when the younger man told him what he liked most about fairy tales. ?It?s reasonable to want to see justice prevail. To see the good and innocent triumph.? The brunette said. ?I like the idea of a world more just and free than the one we live in as well.? He admitted as although he wasn?t too much into fairy tales he could understand the appeal to the other man all the more.

 

?I see. It?s your decision to make.? The foreigner stated when the islander told him that it would be strange for him to wear this much clothing around the island. He certainly would have liked to see the other walking out of the store in his new clothes more confident than before but he knew that it had been an unrealistic idea by now. The dark featured man was much too used to the ways of that island and what had been ingrained into his mind from the start that it would have needed a miracle for the man to gain more confidence through spending some hours with Ryan and buying new clothes.

 

After the other stepped back outside of the changing cubicle dressed in almost nothing again the brunette went to the counter and paid for the young man?s clothing which the woman put in a bag and handed over to Ryan who carried it for Malaya.

 

As soon as they left that shop Ryan?s face went stern and displeased again and what he saw made him just as sick as when he had seen it the first time. Not only that, it also made him feel powerless because he couldn?t do much to help, to change this. He only had his voice and it seemed like raising it was not enough by far as people like Garnette were just ridiculing him instead of taking it seriously and reflecting their behaviour and mindset.

 

Hence he was almost running back to the car together with the islander not looking left or right, just stoically focussing on his way. His attitude changed again as soon as they both sat in the car. His face looked much less twisted and he even smiled again when he looked into the other?s dark eyes. ?Would you like to go to the beach with me before we head back?? the architect asked Malaya.

 

---

 

Malaya's cheeks flushed softly as Ryan smiled at him, for some reason it made his heart flutter to see Ryan pleased with him. Especially since it was over something so silly as Malaya's own thoughts and hopes.

Once Ryan had paid for the clothes Malaya reached out to take the bag for him. He frowned slightly in confusion as the man didn't hand it over to him. "Ah... I can carry it for you..?" He offered softly, just in case Ryan didn't realize that was another way he could be used.

He went quiet again as he followed Ryan out of the shop. His chest tightened as Ryan's expression changed, wondering what he had done wrong. It didn't even occur to him that it wasn't his fault that Ryan was upset. He lowered his head and fell in step a couple paces behind the man so he wouldn't do anything else to upset him.

Malaya was just a few steps from the car when a hand caught his wrist. He let out a soft gasp of surprise as he was pulled into the lap of a drunk guest.

"Maayaa, there you are! I was just about to call you..." The man said, his voice slurred from the alcohol. "It's been awhile hasn't it..?"

Malaya's cheeks flushed deeply as he felt the man's hand moving up his inner thigh. "M-master Jack..." He squeaked. "I'm so sorry but I'm already reserved for the rest of the day. If you-" His words were cut off as his lips were caught in a sloppy kiss.

He attempted to squirm free, a feeling of panic rising in his chest with every moment that he was keeping Ryan waiting. But he couldn't just slip free, the man holding him had too firm of a grip on him.

 

 

---

 

 

The offer of the younger, slimmer male to carry the bag for him had been odd to Ryan who obviously was physically stronger and could carry the bag himself, not to mention that it was only clothing in it and hence didn?t weigh much anything to begin with so he had politely told the man that there was no need for him to carry the bag but thanked him for the offer.

 

 

As he was sitting in the car he realised that the other man was not getting inside onto the passenger?s seat and when he turned his head around he witnessed a scene that he?d much rather not witnessed because it sent a swell of disgust and pure rage through his whole body and his hands tightened their grip around the steering wheel brutally as though said wheel was causing the offence and he wanted to break it. Seeing that drunken ill behaved man touch Malaya that inappropriately, molesting him, that obviously causing the black haired male distress and discomfort without even caring about it was too much to handle and something he couldn?t sit out or just watch without doing anything.

 

Hence he was harshly opening the door of the car and stormed out of it just when that bloke was pressing his sloppy lips onto the other?s who was trying to struggle free against the grip of the man but not managing to, being touched and kissed against his will. ?Let go of him you piece of human garbage!? Ryan White barked but it wasn?t like he was giving the guy any time to actually react and do what he had told him to because the brunette was so filled with anger and driven by the instinct to protect the dark skinned man from that attack that his right fist was hitting the man?s jaw and his left fist punched the dudes nose in, blood coating the hurting knuckles of his fists, running out of the guys nose and mouth onto the ground before one could hear the man yelling some insults into White?s direction, counter attacking him, causing the two of them to get into a physical fight right there.

 

Calling the architect rusty when it came to physical contentions wasn?t even an accurate description as the man had not been in any serious physical fight anymore since middle school if one didn?t count some shoving and pushing and puffing up in a bar or a club when he had been in his twenties. Thus he had to take one or the other hit as well and the other man?s drunken status was both a blessing and a curse at the same time. A curse because he didn?t feel pain as intensely and a blessing because he was uncoordinated.

After some rough and turbulent minutes Ryan managed to knock the man down though, but the foreigner?s lip had busted, he had a black eye, his hair was a mess and his suit was ripped and his knees bleeding but he was standing upright.

 

?Are you alright!? he turned to Malaya with a worried look on his face, laying his hand onto the man?s shoulder looking him up and down to see if he was physically alright or if the man had hurt him by roughly touching him and then gently gesticulating the slender male to the car, before he walked back to the driver?s seat with a slight limp of his leg falling onto it, starting the engine but not yet driving. ?I?m sorry.? He apologised whipping some blood away from his lip, before driving off, not wanting to go to the beach anymore but back to the mansion. ?I?m not usually violent.? The man said hoping the other would believe him the way he had went to attack that guy straight away.

 

 

---

 

Malaya gasped for air as the man's lips were pulled from his own. It took him a moment to process what was happening as the two men started fighting. His eyes grew wide as he realized it was because of him. He froze in place on the ground where he had fallen after the drunken man had released him. He knew that he should say something, he was supposed to physically get between the guests if they started fighting so he would take the hits instead. But he couldn't bring himself to move.

Finally the fight ended and Ryan turned to him. Malaya could only nod dumbly at the question, his eyes watering. His clothes had started to be removed, but they still hung from his body.

He felt like he was in a trance as he rose to his feet and followed Ryan to the car. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that he would be punished for this, there was no way that it wouldn't get blamed on him.

He sat on the floor in the backseat out of habit, still too stunned to do anything. He only looked up when Ryan apologized. "N-no... It's my fault... I'm sorry..." He said softly. "Please forgive me..."

 

---

 

When the younger man settled down on the floor on the back seat instead of sitting down on the passenger?s seat next to him, Ryan thought he was now scared of him after having seen him punching that guy?s nose in but there had been no way he could have not acted when he had witnessed that. Maybe he could have done something differently to not escalate the situation however there was no regret about having used violence against this individual in him, the only regret he had was that Malaya was apparently taken aback by it and scared of him now and he really wanted to fix it but didn?t know what to say or do to get the other to sit down next to him again.

 

After his apology he learned that the man wasn?t scared though but that he was blaming himself and was basically sitting down there because he had gotten back into ? or never gotten out of for that matter ? that this was where his place was, thinking that this situation had been his fault, that he was to blame and that he had done something wrong and this made Ryan drive onto the verge of the street, stopping the car abruptly, turning off the engine to park it there. He wasn?t going to leave the car though; instead he was shifting around and then climbing from the driver?s seat into the back of the car where the islander was sitting on the floor.

 

The architect was getting seated next to the other man on the floor and there was quite some artistic ability necessary for it as his legs were too long and he was overall too tall to fit there properly, letting out groans of discomfort, his knees cracking and the way he sat there everything else but gracious. When he did sit though he was looking into those dark eyes of the man seriously! ?It?s not your fault!? he stated clearly. ?The one to blame is that arsehole. He had no right to touch and kiss you against your will.? Ryan said. ?He violated your bodily autonomy by doing that. Only you decide whom you want to allow to kiss you, whom you want to allow to touch you, whom you want to kiss and touch and someone trying to force themselves onto you are the ones to blame, they are in the wrong, the predator. It?s their fault!? he explained feeling like an idiot pointing out the obvious but he was talking to a man who had found the idea to be unlike a sofa, to not be an object absurd making this kind of conversation extremely necessary. ?You are not an object one can use to their own will and satisfaction! You are a human being, a person, you are the only one who owns yourself and your body. No one else has a right or is entitled to it.? The brunette continued but he had his doubts the other would understand, figuring he?d probably just be confused and not get that at all, he probably only knew this kind of touch, being used as a sex toy and it turned White?s stomach upside down.

 

?Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone because you liked him? Because you desired him and wanted to sleep with him?? Ryan asked. ?What this man did is reprehensible, having to sleep with someone you dislike or who you don?t desire is disgusting and gross but if you love a man and he loves you or there even only is so much as liking and mutual desire and attraction it can be an amazing, intimate, honest and bonding experience that will enrich your life and relationship, that will get you closer together as you trust him and he trusts you in a moment you?re both vulnerable and bare to the other. There will be beauty and passion in its animalistic rawness.? White described to him in an attempt to make the other see how it actually should be.

 

Then he realised something though: ?Do you even like other men? I just assumed you would, sorry, probably because you ?serve? men and I myself am attracted and love fellow men so when I think about love and sex it?s always gay sex but you might even be straight and be forced to do it with men by those people.? And that didn?t make anything better in the slightest. This place was so fucked up, so wrong in so many ways and what was done to this man who thought he had the status of a sofa was making him feel angry, sad and sick and he sighed deeply

 

Brushing a strand of the long hair out of the other man?s face to get to see his face better a frown was crossing his own expression. ?Maybe I should have reacted differently, I don?t know but seeing this man treat you like this, forcing himself onto you, hurting you, causing you distress and discomfort, I couldn?t bear it you know. I just couldn?t! This guy was a gross piece of shit and he deserved every hit and punch I gave him for acting like that.? White made that clear. ?I can?t watch anyone hurting you.? He told him and ran his hand over his wracked face. ?I know we only just met today and we don?t know each other well but I think you are a sweet, kind and gentle man and I? I?m starting to grow fond of you!? the foreigner said. ?I?m getting to really like you.? He added to make sure the other understood but he wasn?t certain he knew what this even meant. He also didn?t tell Malaya that he found him attractive, physically attractive and felt more and more drawn to him. There was no need, he had already told him that he found him good and attractive looking and that had been awkward enough, not to mention that everything else would probably get misconstrued or the other would feel obligated to do something and that was the last thing Ryan wanted. Not to mention that even if Malaya understood the concept of mutual attraction and liking someone, Ryan was in his thirties, his early thirties but in his thirties and this man was, what, twenty, twenty-one, one thing was for sure he was considerably younger than him and probably wouldn?t be attracted to Ryan anyway nor would he probably know what it meant to feel attraction to someone or did he?

 

Laying his hand on the other?s knee to pat it collegially he then said: ?Would you consider getting off from the floor and sitting next to me again?? he asked with a gently tone of voice. ?In case my old arse is not stuck between the seats and won?t be able to get out of here anymore that is.? he jested to lighten up the mood again.

 

 

---

 

Malaya flinched as the car was abruptly driven to the side of the road. He curled up into a tight ball. "I-I'm sorry" He quickly stammered as Ryan climbed into the back of the car. "I-I shouldn't have let you get hurt I'm sorry!" His eyes filled with tears as he prepared himself to be hit. But instead Ryan began to sit down on the floor.

His gaze fell to the floor as Ryan began to speak. "I wasn't careful enough..." Malaya murmured. "I should have seen that he was there and avoided letting him grab me..." He wiped his eyes on his hand. "I-it's my fault you got hurt... I d-didn't try to stop him..."

"Sex is the only thing I'm any good at..." Malaya hugged his knees to his chest. "S-so it makes sense that I would be used for that..."

His face flushed deeply as Ryan asked if he had ever had sex with someone he loved. "O-of course not..." He squeaked. "I-I don't get to decide who uses me." He grew even more red when Ryan asked if he liked other men. "I-I don't know... It doesn't matter who I like so I've never thought of it."

His eyes widened as Ryan admitted that he liked him. For a moment he froze, his mind racing. "I..." He bit his lip. It felt like everything he could think of saying was wrong. All of his training was that he should tell Ryan that he felt the same and then ask to kiss the man, no matter how he actually felt. But if he did that then Ryan might be upset.

He was relieved when Ryan moved on from the topic. "A-ah, yes of course... I'm sorry." He quickly stood up. " I just wasn't thinking when I sat down... I'm sorry." He repeated. "Um... Is there anything I can do to help you up..?" He asked softly, offering Ryan his hand.

 

---

 

 

To Ryan the way the younger man turned the situation to put the blame on himself didn?t only not make sense and was a huge leap, it was also bare of any rationality and logic, not that he hadn?t heard of victims of crimes blaming themselves for having become a victim but to actually witness someone doing something like that and apparently really being convinced that he was the one who had done wrong and not the aggressor was still mind-blowing nonetheless. ?No. You didn?t do anything wrong. It?s not your fault and you shouldn?t have to constantly be cautious and on defence to escape perverted sickos who are molesting you. Those perverted sickos have no right to molest you! This situation was only to blame on that man and not on you.? The brunette tried to explain another time. ?And that I?ve gotten hurt is a result of my own decision. I risked getting hurt when I stepped in, I did it knowing that I might end up getting hurt and I don?t regret it.? He let the other know. ?Besides it?s really nothing, just a scratch, so don?t worry.?

 

Upon hearing the other speak further the architect cringed extremely and a shudder of disgust was running down his spine when he heard the man say that sex was the only thing he was good at hence it made perfect sense that he?d be ?used? for that. ?For one, sex isn?t something that one should be ?used? for. It?s supposed to be something enjoyable for both partners, something mutual, something that only happens when both partners want each other like that.? he started. ?And second, you are not only good at sex! What about the fact that you are a kind and sweet man? Not to mention that I?m certain that you?d reveal a lot of talent and potential if you started to find some hobbies and do some things that actually interest you.? White assured the other.

 

The deep red shade the other?s cheeks flushed after Ryan had asked the other if he had ever had sex with someone he had loved or desired made the brunette man chuckle and a warm smile stayed on his face when the other man stuttered an ?Of course not? adding that he didn?t get to decide who used him. ?If you love and desire someone and that person loves and desires you he isn?t using you and you aren?t using him. As I said, actual, consensual sex isn?t about using someone, it?s mutual, both of you want to share your pleasure and not use someone for your gain.? He told him knowing it might be hard to gasp for the other. ?Not only that, you do have the right to your body and to decide whom you want to sleep with. You don?t have to sleep with someone you don?t desire or want to sleep with.? He repeated what he had previously said.

 

 

Then the architect looked dumbfounded at the man when he told him that he didn?t know if he liked men or not because what he wanted didn?t matter. How could one not know? ?It does matter.? He disagreed again before he spoke further. ?But you must know whom you are attracted to? Haven?t you seen a man?. Or a woman, could have been a woman too??he had to remind himself,? and found him attractive, thought he looked great, thought you?d like to get to know him, to get closer to him? or her that is as well possible. Maybe knew someone you felt something for, you wanted to touch and kiss?? he asked. ?You must have felt some sexual attraction to someone!?? Ryan was a little confused. ?I always liked men. And I realised that I liked them in that way when I was around thirteen. I just didn?t really want to admit it to myself because I was a little terrified of what being gay would mean for me and my life. I kissed and ?got involved? with another male in summer camp when I was fifteen but told myself it doesn?t have to mean anything concrete. Hence, when I was in first year in college and had that female friend I really liked, but liked in an entirely platonic and friendly way what I confused back then, I thought ?see, not gay after all. Maybe I can at least be bi.? as I agreed to dating her when she revealed to me that she wanted more from me. We dated and then she invited me to her house during summer break and I agreed not thinking anything about it but she wanted to get into my pants there and I was spending the summer trying to prevent this from happening and crushing on her hot older brother whom I would have liked to get to know closer and into whose pants I would have liked to get. However at the last day of summer break she wouldn?t let me get away anymore, hence we were going at it and I tried to perform, imagining it was her brother grabbing my crotch and whom I was touching and kissing. But when she pulled down her panties ? Jesus? I freaked and panicked because she wanted me to interact with her ? thing?. you know and I yelled more to myself than to her that I was gay, finally truly admitting it and accepting it. It turned into a disaster that night and she wouldn?t stop crying and wouldn?t talk to me the whole way back to college the other day and for a few weeks after that still.? He remembered feeling a little nostalgic talking about that. ?Sorry, I didn?t want to bore you with this.? he waved it off.

 

When he then attempted to get out between the two seats somehow he saw Malaya reaching his hand out to him softly asking him if he could help him to get up somehow and Ryan was taking the hand offered to him. ?Thanks.? He said as he was manoeuvring himself out and onto the backseat, stretching his neck before he was getting out of the car, back onto the driver?s seat, waiting for the other man to take the seat next to him.

 

---

 

Malaya stayed quiet as Ryan explained the journey he had gone through while figuring out his own sexuality. He stepped out of the car and sat down in the passenger seat next to Ryan. He kept his gaze on the ground as he did.

"I... I first got used when I was five..." He said softly. "There was a r-raffle to decide which guest would be my first." He shuddered at the memory. "I-it was all so scary are horrible... B-but I figured out what to do so that they wouldn't do anything extra painful or scary. I tried to learn how to be good at sex stuff so it would end faster and n-not be so painful..." He fidgetted with his hair, his hands trembling. "But t-that just meant I got used for sex more than usual..." He shut his eyes for a moment, trying to hold back tears. "I only recently realized that it was b-better than the alternatives..."

He took a shaky breath, trying not to have another meltdown. "Men and women are both equally scary... I-I just don't want to be hurt." He opened his eyes and looked at Ryan sadly. "B-besides... I only have a few more years until no one would even want me."

 

 

---

 

Ryan wasn?t expecting Malaya to respond to the little story about his life he had just told the man at all. Perhaps it had not interested and bored the other to begin with as the brunette tended to forget that the younger man was not hanging out with him because he wanted to and liked to hang out with him and was interested in spending time with him but because someone else forced him to. Then again when the architect had tried to send him away at the beginning and told him he didn?t need a servant the man had not taken that well at all either so he had rather let him stay and had spend his day with him so far although he really had no interest in letting the guy serve him and would certainly in no way whatsoever let him do any work for him what had already weirded the islander out for that matter.

 

However when the other had settled down next to him on the passenger?s seat, White was just about to start the engine, the dark haired man raised his voice and did say something and that something he said made Ryan stall the car in shock which made a small jump. Disgust, rage, more disgust, shock, sadness, outrage were all mixing within in him as he listened to Malaya speak to him, telling him that he had been abused and raped throughout his whole childhood since as young as five years old and that all sex was for him was painful and scary and he had tried to be good at it to make it end quickly. It was frightful, terrible and gruesome what atrocities that man had been through and hearing him say that men and women scared him equally, hearing all of this made the brunette feel like an idiot and guilty for having spoken about the subject to the other at all, to have even mentioned it that freely and to probably have caused the other inner stress and anxiety by doing so.

 

?I?m so sorry. I didn?t know that.? Ryan apologised genuinely biting and sucking on his own busted bottom lip and it too was him surrendering. As much as he wanted to help him, as much as he wanted to lift him up and give him confidence, this was a territory way too sensitive and complicated and high for White to help this man with. Challenging the doctrines, the ideology and system of a gross society, to debate and to give the other new input and new thoughts and knowledge, to try to make him question the lies they had fed him was one thing, dealing with someone who had been sexually violated since childhood and who hence had never had a normal development sexually and psychologically, who had been so deeply harmed that he was now probably completely traumatised and left with all sorts of complex issues deeply ingrained and actually needed help from an empathetic and competent professional who was specialised and knew how to help him deal with those things, knew how to address this, was too big of a deal and too complex for him. He was an architect! He designed buildings! That was what he was competent at, here he was helpless and it made him angry with himself because he wanted to help this man who would certainly not get access to a psychologist specialised to help trauma patients.

 

 

When the other then said something about how he only had a few more years left until no one would want him anymore anyway it made the brunette feel sick to his stomach again. ?Bullshit!? he exclaimed although he had wanted to not say anything anymore, taking a breather. ?You are how old? Twenty, twenty one? You are incredibly young. Your life actually has just begun. You are at the beginning of your life not the end. I just started to get seriously sexually active in my twenties ? He told him. ?I?m over thirty now. Until half a year ago I was in a romantic relationship. And I?m still wanted and desired by other men too now at over thirty.? Ryan said but then he was realising he was talking this casually about sex again and he felt guilty and looked at the other to check if he was showing any sign of discomfort or panic and quickly added:?You don?t have to do it at all with anyone though. Men or women. If you don?t want it and it?s just pain and scary and disgusting to you, you don?t ever need to do it again or to talk about. Sex I mean. You are not obligated to! You still can find love though if you want that. If you don?t want people at all that?s fine too.? Ryan said and it sounded almost a little desperate and confused as to what he could say to him and what not and the architect was running his hand over his face. ?Sorry. I am making it all worse for you aren?t I.? he said and then started the engine, this time properly and he was driving back onto the street, keeping his mouth shut, deciding to stay out of what he was not capable of solving. He was not capable of helping this man and if he did something wrong he might end up doing more damage and that was the last thing he wanted. He had no idea as to how one talked to someone who had been through something like that.

 

---

 

Malaya flinched at Ryan?s exclamation, afraid that he had upset the man. His chest tightened as Ryan asked his age. He had hoped that he would be perceived as younger, not older? If he already looked twenty then that meant he had even less time. ?I?m 19?? He said softly. ?Once I?m in my mid twenties no one here will have any interest?? His shoulders slumped. ?There?s nothing anyone cares about besides my appearance, so as soon as there?s someone who looks better than me they?ll move on.?

 

He went quiet again as Ryan spoke of finding love with someone, whether or not that involved sex. He blinked back more tears at the thought. He had always wished that he could find real love with someone, but knew that it was impossible. To have someone say that it could happen only made the pain worse, to have hope dangled in front of him like that even though there was no way it could be real.

 

Malaya glanced up as Ryan apologized. ?You aren?t making things worse.? He said quickly. ?I just? I don?t like to think about that kind of thing? If I?m hopeful then it just makes it worse when nothing changes.?

 

He looked away again, leaning against the car window. ?When I was younger? I used to fantasize that someone really nice would come to the island? And that somehow they?d actually fall in love with me, like in a fairytale? And they?d take me home when they left the island?? His eyes began to water as he spoke. ?And I?d be able to go somewhere where I was safe and happy?? He took a deep breath. ?O-of course nothing like that happened, and it just made me even more sad every time a guest would call me cute, or say they liked me?? He rubbed at his eyes. ?I-it?s stupid right? That I actually thought that something like that was even possible??

[-Hideki-]

He had apparently done it again. Upset the other man. Said something insensitive or stupid without even knowing while trying to help him and failing at it miserably! He could tell when he saw the man flinch after he had guessed his age. He couldn’t tell why though as he had been pretty close. Malaya said he was nineteen and he had guessed twenty or twenty one. Ryan hadn’t done a bad job at all but the other seemed to see that differently. The reason for it was part of the whole horrific game on that island.

 

The brunette actually found that it was for the better if none of those creeps was interested in the young man anymore and thus stopped abusing him but he didn’t say that. The dark featured male wouldn’t understand it and White could explain until the end of time the man would probably not see his point. What he did address was the other part of what the islander had told him though. “And you think that younger equates ‘looking better’?” he asked. “I’d disagree with you then. As I don’t think so! You’ll grow to be even more handsome than you are now. I personally find men in their thirties and forties to be the most attractive.” The architect said and it was true for him. He was into men his age or older. “Don’t you know the saying:’ Women age and wither, men get more interesting’?” he laughed, not sure if the other would get the joke.

 

It made him feel terrible when the other man’s eyes were watering and he was crying when Ryan had talked about finding love to him, saying he didn’t need to have sex if he didn’t want to either. Another attempt of lifting him up that terribly backfired. Why couldn’t he shut his stupid mouth? Why not just admit that he couldn’t help the man, give up, do his job and leave as soon as possible? He knew why. Because everything on this island was wrong and unjust and because he liked the young man somehow! He wanted to safe him because he found him to be a likeable, sweet person.

 

For some reason the black haired told him that he hadn’t made it worse and the architect was turning his head to the side for a moment, questioningly looking at him before he started to explain, to explain that this was actually what he wished, what he dreamed of, to find someone he loved and who loved him and that the hope was painful and crushing. A sad expression was to see on Ryan’s face but that changed when the other explained the actual scenario he had imagined.

 

“A guest could somehow leave the island with a native?” he asked inquiring on that, having gotten interested. White had thought about overthrowing the island’s system but not only did he have no idea as to how to do it, he didn’t have the means nor the power either. But even if he couldn’t save them all, even if he had to admit he was not strong enough to overthrow a whole island, maybe he could actually help Malaya after all. Maybe he could get him away from this awful place and protect him and show him the good sides of life at home where he’d be seen as a person equal to everyone else.

 

On his mind the architect was thinking about some scenarios and they did involve leaving all his stuff on the island, cutting holes into his suitcase and making the man hide in there until they had reached home. When the young man said that the disappointment he had felt every time someone had called him cute and had said they liked him had made everything worse for him and implying he had been stupid to even think someone would like him enough to help him to get away from the island Ryan shook his head when he was driving onto the property of the villa. “No.” he made that clear. “There is nothing stupid about this. There are upright and good people out there. And if there is any way to get you out of here we will or get caught trying.” He was determined, parking the car, turning towards the other with a smile.

[Kotorichan]

Malaya looked up when Ryan asked about leaving the island. "I... I don't know... Probably not... It was just a silly fantasy..."

His eyes widened when the man promised that they would leave the island. "P-please don't promise that..." He whimpered, hanging his head again. "I-it will just hurt me more when you leave..." He wiped his eyes. "Once you're done here you'll go home... And I'll stay here a-and have to go back to my usual life... O-only this time I'll know that it's not just the way it's supposed to be."

He took a shaky breath and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. There was no point in getting worked up about it, that was just the way life was for him he just had to accept it.

[-Hideki-]

It almost seemed like consternation when the dark featured male’s eyes widened and he protested what Ryan had suggested there, telling him to not say that, that it would hurt him even more if he was to leave in the end. White turned out the engine and shifted on the seat so that his grey eyes were looking directly into the dark ones. “I didn’t promise that we’ll make it. I just promised that I’ll try to get you out of here even though we might get caught.” He repeated. “And I can promise this, because it only depends on my own actions and what I intend to do. And I want to help you.” The brunette man assured the other. “I don’t expect anything in return either.” He made clear.

 

A deep sigh was to hear from White when Malaya whined when he said how the architect would go home once he was done and he’d stay on the island and his life would continue like that just that he now knew that it wasn’t supposed to be like that. A gentle, small smile was appearing on the foreigner’s face as he looked at the islander and he reached his hand out, brushing his fingers through his hair and some strands out of his face before placing it onto the other’s cheek, soothingly stroking the warm skin with his thumb. “Enlightenment is the first step to freedom. It’s enabling and something to be welcomed.” He told the man, giving him another smile before he retreated, leaving the car, walking around it, and holding the door open for the other.