Zeitgeist – Hetalia RP [iaintinnocent&Hideki] (Private)

July 7, 2017

After WWI Germany is struggling to pay the war reparations and suffers under impoverishment.

But not only is his place in a bad state and his freedom restricted, the humiliated man also takes care of his injured brother whom he tries to nurse back to health as good as he possible can.

While he is eager to keep a straight face and works his arse off to restore and rebuild his place, his state of mind and the chaos within him becomes worse from day to day until his decisions and the determination to gain his pride and honour back will lead both him and his brother into another war.

.

v

Germany and Prussia have been reunited after the fall of the Berlin wall. However after the overwhelming happiness and joy they both felt they had to come to the painful realisation that they had grown apart. Especially Prussia notes that Germany had continued his life without him and that he had installed new strong friendships and bonds with other nations.

The two try to get to know each other again and try to get as close as they once had been.

Ludwig Beilschmidt

Nation name: German Empire -> -> -> Federal Republic of Germany

National animal: Eagle

National flower: Cornflower

Height: 1.80m

Hair colour: blond

Eye colour: blue

Bio: Ludwig is a troubled young man in a bad financial state and situation who expects himself to be perfect without a single flaw and has overly high expectations for himself. He is incredibly loyal to and protective about those he cares for but sometimes stumbles over his own pride.

His greatest talents are engineering, mechanics and craftsmanship even though he is also obsessed with bureaucracy, organisation and keeping stuff clean and in order.

For his age he is a rather serious and strict person who wants to do everything right for everyone.

He grew up under the influences of the aristocratic Austrian man Roderich Edelstein a musician and tightwad who loves culture and everything neat and his brother Gilbert Beilschmidt, a military man who taught him the Prussian virtues and way of life. Both men fought over him for a while with the result of Gilbert becoming his main influence after all. Growing up he got attached to both of them, even though his relationship to Roderich is somewhat weird.

Ludwig has his problems of forming bonds with others so he doesn’t have any true friends aside from those two.

He has no clue about romance, is sexually inexperienced and seemingly uninterested to a degree where Feliciano’s grandfather believes that he is a saint.

While he indeed is uncomfortable with the whole subject he does, however, have sexual desires which he represses and ignores.

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The sun was shining bright through the kitchen window and he had constricted his eyes because of the blinding sunlight. It was still early in the morning but he had been up for three hours already working in that damn heat that made the sweat run down his back while he was working.

He sat at his kitchen table building one cuckoo clock after the other. The whole place was full of those things by now and that was why he had to swerve to the kitchen in the first place.

It didn’t matter how many of those bloody things he made, how much he worked, how much sleep he lacked, he would get nothing out of this. He worked exclusively for Francis Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland to pay his war reparations.

Those twats seemed keen on bleeding him out and letting him starve to death. Not only did he have to give them everything that he had and got from his work, his freedom had also been restricted. This humiliation that had happened in Versailles, that contract he had had to sign because there hadn’t been another option left for him anymore, he would never be able to forget it. The thought alone made his insides boil from anger.

They wanted to keep him on a short leash, they wanted to hold him down and to get rid of him as a rival, as an imperial, industrial nation. And they apparently were succeeding. There was nothing he had left. His once stunning and glorious house had turned into a derelict hopeless place without enough food to eat or money to spend. Heck, they didn’t even allow him to wear his uniform any longer. Thus he felt naked. Who even was he now? A man in a sweat-soaked white shirt working for those whom he had lost to for absolutely nothing! Stripped off of his dignity and his pride.

His fist clenched around the hammer and without thinking he smashed the cuckoo clock that he had been working on for quite a while now. It splintered into tiny pieces of wood which flew through the whole kitchen. Cursing he looked at what he had done. He would have to build that one again losing more time to rebuild anything in his house or come to a living. Even angrier - partially at himself for smashing the clock - he laid down the hammer and wiped the sweat from his forehead with his arm.

Sighing depressed he stood up and walked to the window. How could it come that far? How could he stoop so low? Chained by Francis and Arthur!

His blue eyes stared out of the window. He could see the green grass, the little river that was flowing lively and playfully through the hills and that old, gigantic oak tree that stood tall and proud, its crown reaching for the sky.

It was a clear day, bright, the sun was shining and when Ludwig Beilschmidt observed it, he felt mocked and ridiculed.

The world had just continued like usual, it had just moved on and the sun was laughing into the blond mans worn out, overworked face. This outside world didn’t reflect what was going on in him. It was a massive contrast. If there had been a fitting weather, it would have been a thunderstorm with heavy rain, a pitch black sky and a raging wind that could disroot trees and destroy houses and the absolute chaos.

Chaos like that in his mind! He normally was a rather calm and down to earth individual who thought differentiated about things before he took actions. But the calm grey-whitish thinking voice of his had drastically changed and was now overshadowed by conflicting extremes. One of which was blood red screaming forcefully and another one that was incredibly dark, raging and seductive even.

He could see a black eagle sitting on a branch of the old oak tree. This tree was as old as his long deceased father. The animal apparently got tangled up, it moved its head, its black eyes meeting his blue ones behind the window and then it screamed. Full of agony, fear and pain! It fought against what was holding it back and managed to break free. With another scream, its head held high, it flew away, freely unlike him.

A few minutes had passed before he decided to not stare out of the window any longer. It took Ludwig a lot of self control to not smash his fist through the glass of the window in anger but he left it be and looked down at the wooden pieces that once had been a cuckoo clock.

The ceiling was crumbling and the clock on his wall was skewed. One could clearly read it though and it showed him that it was 8:00AM.

The young German had been up since 5:00Am building those damn things and now it was time for his older brother’s breakfast and medicine.

Trying to find enough in the cupboards for his brother to eat didn’t exactly lighten up his mood, quite the contrary. It got even gloomier and darker because the only thing he could find was some old bread and a piece of butter. He would have to buy something but with what money should he do that? Maybe there were some potatoes left in the cellar for dinner in the evening.

With the bread on a plate and a glass of water he attempted to go and see after Gilbert. The Prussian was still suffering from his injuries and Ludwig was doing everything he could to bring him back to health. But that was easier said than done.

The older one of the two had been injured badly during the war; he had seen how they had ripped him apart and it was the worst thing that he had ever seen in his young life.

Seeing something like that happening to Gilbert, seeing him in that state now, it was painful.

He had always seen the other man as a military hero, as a living legend that could never under any circumstances be defeated. As long as Ludwig lived he had looked up to the older man and everything that he had ever wanted to do was making him proud and becoming great for him.

But no, he had disappointed Gilbert! He probably hated him for this. And not only him, Ludwig had let Roderich - to whose help he had came in the first place - down too. He had let everyone down by getting defeated like this.

The plate in hand he was walking through the floor when he stepped on an old plank made out of dark, beautiful wood. As many other things in the house it was damaged and not solid anymore, so when he sat his food on one side of the plank, the other rose up slamming into his back.

He crunched his teeth in pain, trying not to make even a faint noise. It hurt badly! This was too much to take. His house was a ruin; he didn’t even have a proper floor to walk on and no time to rebuild himself and his house because every minute of his life he struggled with trying to fulfil the demands of the Treaty of Versailles. “I didn’t deserve this!” he murmured silently to himself and in his head his thoughts started to go rampage again.

“No, I do deserve it! I shouldn’t have gone to war in the first place. I should have been smarter than that. This atrocious war should have take place without me. Something like this should never happen to me again.”, screamed one part of his mind vigorously.

Just after that thought had been running through his mind, another thought pattern took over.

“Ridiculous! Those disgusting traitors, it’s entirely their fault! If it weren’t for them I would have won, I would be at even greater glory than before! I wouldn’t be in that pitiful state now, I did everything right. I don’t owe Kirkland and Bonnefoy anything!”

“Traitors? There weren’t any traitors. What am I thinking? I got myself into that war, I lost, and those are the consequences I am facing.”

“This contract is unjust, it’s holding me down, humiliating me, they made me their laughing stock and I shouldn’t let them. I should show them what I think about their contract. They can kiss my arse.”

His head felt full and about to burst. It was like two people fighting against each other, ready to throw bear mugs at each other and knocking each other out by using chairs and other furniture.

Ludwig tried to shake his thoughts off, to keep his head from thinking all that stuff. He needed to digest clearly. That he didn’t need though. He couldn’t just break the contract anyway, could he?

God, he started again with that nonsense that wouldn’t lead anywhere anyway. When he had left the stairs behind he stood in front of the door to his brother’s room. He was glad that he’d see someone else and wouldn’t be left with his raging mind and his work, even though it wouldn’t be for long.

He paused for a moment and consciously changed his expression. Gilbert shouldn’t know how depressed and angry and exhausted he was. No one should ever see him like that.

With a deep breath he knocked at the door to let the other know that he was entering, he waited a few seconds and stepped into the room.

“Good morning!” he greeted him and placed the plate and the glass of water onto his bed stand.

His eyes wandered over the other man for a moment, before he took the chair that he had placed next to the bed a while ago, saying nothing, just looking at the other man, hiding his thoughts and concerns.

July 11, 2017

Gilbert Beilschmidt

Nation name: Kingdom of Prussia ---> The Free State of Prussia

Height: 1.77m

Hair color: platinum blond

Eye color: red violet

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Gilbert Beilschmidt laid limply on the bed. His scarlet eyes swept over and inspected the bandages that wrapped around his chest. It had been a quite some time after the end of the war that brought his homeland a huge wreckage. A big beating both for him and his little brother. Ludwig must have begun working his ass off while he hadn't been able to do anything but to take bed rest. Set aside helping his younger brother to recover their house and work to pay war reparation, at that moment he couldn't even get out of bed on his own. Not with these injuries.

Back then, Gilbert thought scars he got from battles were so cool as they showed the world his tremendous courage and bravery in tackling a very difficult situation along. Battle scars made him proud, along with the victory and magnificence that followed his feet.

But now, what could he be proud of? Those new wounds that scattered all over his body were the living proof of his miserable defeat of the war. Weak and vulnerable, such a sad condition for a guy whose history used to be full of glory. The whitish blond guy hated this state. He hated all of this. Fuck that Russian guy who left him such damage.

Trying to sit up straighter, the Prussian let out a quiet whimper as he did, having to go through a painful stretch of muscles. Though when he succeeded, a small sigh of relief escaped his mouth. That day he stirred awake by himself and got up a bit earlier. Although his love for sleeping, moreover since he had to suffer from the damage of the war, Gilbert usually woke up after Ludwig brought him a plate of modest, poor breakfast consisted of bread or boiled potato and his daily dose of medicine. But that morning he woke up to the noises of hammer against woods.

Lud's already begun working, the Prussian thought silently. He yawned and tried to wash away the drowsiness off his face as he rubbed his teary eyes. Turning to look out through the window shades, Gilbert's smile softly rose at the sight of a familiar little yellow bird on the frame of the wooden window. Carefully and slowly he worked the window open to let a breeze in his room, as well as the tiny bird to enter. "Mornin' there, Gilbird," greeted the Prussian with a cheeky grin, still amused at the genius pun of his. SoonGilbird's friends followed him and bright little chirps began to fill the room. "Man, there's a lot of you guys today."

A small chuckle left Gilbert's throat as the birds played and flew around him. Being surrounded by his tiny friends effectively boosted the man's mood. Gilbert reached for a pen he had kept for years and a book he called a diary. By happy chance, his right arm was the one injured and needed to be tied up so for a left-handed man like him it's a fortune. Thus he began writing on it.

Dear diary,

Today is just the same as days before. I still can't get up and be the awesome me I used to be. Can't play heroic and help Lud with the work because I'm goddamned injured.But I'm kinda glad Gilbirds and his friends came over to play. Though when they land on my shoulder, the wounded skin feels like burning, I hate it!

A few minutes into the diary and he was startled by a faraway crashing noise, followed by a groan, that was still loud enough to make him flinch--even Gilbird and the other birds flew away in alerted. Gilbert was honestly worried and he wanted to go down and check on Lud--it must be him, right?--but then he tried to calm his wild thoughts by thinking that if his little brother had been hurt in some ways, he would have asked for help, wouldn't he?

Or not. Gilbert knew best what kind of person Ludwig was. He never wanted to worry others and what if something bad happened and---

Calm, Gil. Chill... He might just be frustrated... Just trust your brother, thought the Prussian. After a long pause which left Gilbert drowned in his own thoughts, though still restless, he eventually finished off the diary entry with a sad expression.

What I hate more is seeing strong, strong Lud all desperate like this.

A knock on the door and then a familiar muscular figure entered his room, to which Gilbert quickly hide his pen and book under his bed. It didn't take long for gloomy aura began to take over the brief, minuscule happiness. And his assumption was correct. Ludwig looked extremely wrecked even with that soft look he's trying to keep on his face. Gilbert wasn't an ignorant person. He knew his younger brother that well to realize the droopy eyes from the lack of sleep and the forced smile on his face. It meant he was feeling just unwell as he was himself.

Though not wanting to ruin the mood Ludwig must have tried hard to keep, with a small smile towards his little brother the Prussian said, "Hey, Lud. Morning."

July 12, 2017

While he was looking at Gilbert his thoughts wandered about again. He felt like it was his fault that his brother was in that miserable state in the first place. He should have protected him, he had tried and he had failed. And he was a man who couldn’t forgive himself even the smallest mistakes.

There was no time to hang on those thoughts though, so he shook them off and concentrated on the tasks he would have to do during the day. He had a strict schedule and he liked it when things went according to the plan. So he clung on his lists and schedules to keep the semblance of order in his life, even though keeping order was hard these days, especially in his mind.

“After breakfast you have to take your medicine, then I’ll change your bandages and after that I can take you outside if you want to. It’s really nice weather.” He started to inform the other man about the plans for that day. “I’ll have to clean the mess in the kitchen up before I’ll go to the market, I hadn’t planned that but I’ll just hurry up at the market to equal it out. When I am back I can take you into your bedroom again. Then I’ll go back to work until dinner. I might take you into the kitchen to eat dinner if you want to but it’s full of cuckoo clocks and I’ll have to work as soon as I’ve eaten something.” Ludwig finished his summary of the day and looked at Gilbert again.

Just now he realised that Gilbert had guests. Gilbird and his friends were flying around in the room. The younger man sighed: “I hope they won’t make a mess in here.” He warned half seriously, half jokingly and smiled slightly.

July 13, 2017

Gilbert couldn't help but smile seeing his younger brother speaking out his to-do-list of the day so effortlessly like he had it hammered into his brain. Well-organized and disciplined as usual. It was good to see that even in this chaotic state, Ludwig was still being himself. But still, the Prussian could not hide the fact that he knew so well how bad their condition affected his brother. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, Gilbert just could see Ludwig's expression show exhaustion and frustration. Not to mention, his face that looked thin. Gilbert didn't have the heart to ask if he had even eaten last night, after having eavesdropped Ludwig's conversation to himself last night about the shortage of food. Sad and useless, those were things Gilbert currently felt about himself. If only he hadn't been too injured, he would at least have been able to work with Ludwig so the burden hadn't fallen on the German's shoulders alone.

But then he realized it would be pointless if Ludwig saw through his sadness. He might start blaming himself and it'd be worse than what Gilbert wanted to fix. So the platinum blond decided shook his head a bit to clear his mind and throw away those thoughts, thinking just to let it flow. Gilbert laughed it off and slapped the German playfully on his back.

"Chill, Lud. You sound like Vati. That old stuff," teased Gilbert with a big toothy smirk of his. He took a slice of buttered bread on the plate and chomped on it. "Y'know, sticking to to-do-list and all," he added while still chewing a mouthful of food.

He grabbed another slice and stuffed it in his mouth, though still manage to grin stupidly. When one of Gilbird's friend landed on Ludwig's shoulder, Gilbert laughed. Replying to his brother's comment, he just shrugged. "Nah. They're good lads."

The next slice he took was not for himself, though, and he put the bread in front of Ludwig's lips instead. He knew he needed to eat something if he wanted to take the medicine but a slice or two was enough. Ludwig, who would be working all day, should be the one having the rest. He looked at him sternly, as if the look only already ordered Ludwig not to deny his offer, but his facial expression was somewhat soft and caring. "Open up, Lud."

July 14, 2017

It was admirable how Gilbert was still able to give off such a clam and positive vide. Even though he suffered and probably felt helpless his demeanor was just as it usually was, as if their home and everything they were wouldn’t crumble around them. Ludwig knew why he looked up to him, even though Roderich and most others he knew and talked to sometimes couldn’t understand why someone as serious and mature as Ludwig would look up to Gilbert.

Being around his brother always put him at ease when his head was completely buried in work and problems Ludwig tried to find solutions for. And as independent and as much of a loner the blond man was, he wouldn’t know what he would do if Gilbert wasn’t around him anymore.

When Gilbert told him to chill Ludwig knew that his brother knew that he wouldn’t be able to. If there was something Ludwig was horrible at, it was chilling. What followed those words surprised the German though. The older man had just compared him to their father.

As most things, Ludwig took the statement seriously and honestly thought about that. Their father had been a strong and honourable man. He had always protected what he had loved. He had been a fierce warrior who had never given up, never disappointed his friends and family, who had scared and fought even the great Roman Empire. If Ludwig was more like him, he was sure that they wouldn’t be in that situation now.

“I wish I was more like him!” he murmured, more to himself than to Gilbert, followed by a melancholic expression. What would his father say to them, if he’d see them now?

While he really tried to move away from that thought - because at the end of the day he wasn’t his father but himself - his mind had other plans.

“I am in fact like him, his blood flows through my veins, I am his heir and I should not live like that. Everything they took from me I should get back twice, I should not bow like that, never give in. I should make them see the greatness that runs in my genes.” The seductive dark thoughts nearly sang like a song of war through his mind, when the red screams countered it:”Bollocks! It’s just that kind of thinking that starts shit that ends where I am now in the first place. Greatness doesn’t run through ones genes, it is achieved by making the right decisions and acting for the good of more people than just oneself.” The thought was hardly completed when the darkness ate the red screaming again:”It is the greater good to improve the world by making it more like us. Like my father, like Gilbert, like myself.”

Ludwig didn’t know what else to do; he couldn’t keep himself from thinking all the time and more often than not he was scared about what was going on in his mind. Especially the dark pattern was extremely seductive and he had found himself wanting to give in to it, to drown in it, to become it too often already. Those thoughts, they made him feel so much better, they made him feel proud again and the world seemed so wonderfully simple and clear through that lens, as if everything would become alright again, even better than it ever had been if he just went along.

When he realised that he probably had sat there without a single move or word for too long already, he smiled like a complete idiot and then patted Gilbird gently, trying to not look at his brother. Even though he knew that no one could read his raging mind, it made him uncomfortable.

While he was staring at his own hands, he felt a piece of bread touching his lips and looked up into Gilberts red eyes. “I’m not hungry.” He declined, when his stomach betrayed him by making a growling sound. Ludwig blushed from pale as snow to tomato red within the blink of an eye. He hadn’t eaten in two days so he couldn’t really be mad at his body that just needed some food. So when Gilbert asked him to open up his mouth he didn’t protest anymore and took a bite of the bread.

July 15, 2017

When a strange, muffled growling-like noise filled the air and Gilbert saw blush on his brother's face, his lips spread into a wide smirk. A silly but contented one. He couldn't help chuckling, not in a teasing way but more like playfully.

Afterall, he always cherished the moments when Ludwig eventually gave in to his wishes--mostly because the German usually did not. Seeing his firm, serious-looking face frowned adorably yet both cheeks turned red against his will was amusing.

Once Ludwig finished a slice, he quickly snatched another one and stuffed it again in his brother's mouth. Gilbert had taken a bite of the bread beforehand so the strict German wouldn't complain, "/Bruder/, this is your share of food, remember the prescription you have to take? The medicine needs you to eat something in advance" or stupid stuffs like that.

Heck, his share of food. Gilbert believed, judging by how loud his stomach protested, they hadn't had anything to share in the very beginning, not with that small bread. Meaning much or less, Ludwig sacrificed his breakfast for Gilbert's health.

The loaf of bread that Ludwig had prepared into pieces slowly but surely moved into the German brothers' stomaches. Gilbert thought he had enough already and since Ludwig didn't complain, he had decided to let the German have the rest and keep feeding him.

"Ah, this brings back memories." Gilbert sighed with a pleased face. "Remember when you were a tiny boy? I fed you like this everyday. But with a spoon, of course," he added with a laugh. "So glad it's all still the same. You're still and forever will be my baby brother, Lud." He grinned happily, even forming smiling eyes, while ruffling that blond hair that Ludwig always liked to keep neat by slicking it back.

Now that he had messed it up, bangs loosely fell over Ludwig's forehead, giving a familiar yet not familiar feeling to grow in Gilbert's stomach. He remembered it damn

well how good looking their father was and Ludwig, not only in personality, shared that handsome features. Gilbert closely stared at his brother's face.

God, he's growing so darn handsome, thought Gil, both feeling a bit jealous but proud at the same time. With that muscular body of his and this gorgeous face, also adding both his strengths and his adorable flaws in personality, Ludwig should be able to get any girl he wanted--hell, he could get anybody to fall head over heels for him. Not like his now unawesome self. Who wanted to love a broken guy, a fallen hero like him? His hair color was strange and his eyes lacked colors, unlike Ludwig's deep blue ones. Even Elizaveta thought so.

At the moment, he felt so unattractive and upset.

"Hey, Lud, you not planning to marry?" Gilbert brought the topic all of a sudden. He put his good arm behind his head and looked blankly at the wall in front of him. "You know, probably, the neighboring Belgi girl? What was her name again," he said with a small chuckle, but that one laugh didn't sound as cheerful as before. As if, the thought suddenly brought depression upon him again.

"She's tall and pretty. Has a bery sexy body, too, ain't she? Just like those girls in one of your erotic magazines, eh?" teased Gilbert with a wicked grin, despite his own weirdly conflicting feelings. "Besides... she's got a more stable economy post-war so... you know, you don't intend to marry her or something?" Gilbert didn't look at his brother. He just seemed unfocused and... lost in thought.

"Win-win resolution, innit? You don't have to nurse after me anymore. You get laid, I get my share of money to recover from this wound and get to fix the mess I made at this war," he added, with a dry laugh. But this time Gilbert's face twisted, looking as if he was holding tears.

He couldn't help it. The frustration of seeing his brother doing all of repaying their debt because of /his/ loss at fighting that fucking Russian guy had eventually exploded. Gilbert hadn't intended to blame himself but he just couldn't help it.

All he wanted to see was Ludwig to smile, instead of suffering the pain alone.

July 15, 2017

The Prussians words felt like a punch into his stomach. Gilbert still viewed him as the child he once was and that probably would never change even though all Ludwig wanted was that his brother would finally see him as the man he was. He was working so hard, fighting and trying to be a man one could be proud to know but all Gilbert saw when he looked at him was that freaking kid from back then, not a man.

Suddenly the bread tasted awful to him and while he was chewing, it seemed to become more in his mouth.

When he heard the red eyed man’s voice again he swallowed the bread that he had been chewing on the whole time and brought his hair back into order again. The blond man didn’t know why his brother started to talk about marrying out of the blue now. He could think of nothing that could have triggered such a topic and it seemed completely random to him.

“No, I don’t have any wedding plans.” He answered and wanted to end the subject at that but Gilbert kept talking about some girl that he thought was an appropriate candidate.

It was a bunch of nonsense to him and he didn’t want to marry, he never had wanted to marry.

And even if he hypothetically considered marriage, their Belgian neighbour would never marry him after him overrunning her place before he had attacked France, his actual target, in the past war.

Ludwig wasn’t happy about his brother drooling over that chick’s body, he never liked it when he admired the female form in front of him so he hoped that he would just stop being silly and they could talk about something else.

When Gilbert teased him with his erotic magazines he crunched his teeth. It was unpleasant that the older one had found those magazines already but it was more embarrassing that Ludwig had no idea how the women in the magazines looked like. If Gilbert was right and the girls looked like the Belgian woman, he wouldn't know. He actually hid aesthetic pictures of men between some of the pages of the magazines. And one of those pictures was actually half naked Gilbert.

Only thinking about that fact made him sick about himself. He was the worst and if the other man would know, he would probably hate him for eternity. Ludwig wasn’t supposed to feel that way about the Prussian but he did. It even was a challenge for him to keep a cool head when he changed the others bandages or treated his wounds. The body of some girl was uninteresting to him, Gilbert’s muscles, the visible veins, his collarbones and also the absence of pigmentation in his skin, hair and eyes attracted him far more.

When his brother had stopped to describe that woman’s body and her financial state, Ludwig thought the subject was done for him now as well, but it wasn’t. He repeated the same question again that Ludwig had already answered. He started to blabber about marrying again and it actually got rather hurtful. “Enough!” the German hissed, his hands forming fists but the older man didn’t stop talking. “Shut up!” he finally screamed hitting the bed stand so hard that he could hear a crack.

“I am not going to marry. I don’t want to nor need to marry. I am capable of finding a solution for this by myself. I will make everything alright again. I am sorry that I disappointed you and wasn’t able to protect you and I promise that I’ll get us out of this mess on my own and I hope that one day you will finally be able to see me as the man that I am and not as some bloody child. But never say that I should marry some woman again or I’ll have to resort to measures that both of us will definitely regret afterwards.” His deep voice sounded through the room vigorously.

He sighed and when he saw that Gilbert’s eyes were shining from arising tears he stepped over to him and placed his hand awkwardly on the older man’s head, stroking through his hair a little, feeling somewhat out of place because he didn’t really know how to comfort another person.

“Don’t say that you don’t want me to care for you anymore because I wouldn’t let anyone else do that job. I should have protected you and not have let it come to that. It’s my fault alone and my responsibility to take care of you.” He said while staring at the ceiling.

July 20, 2017

Gilbert hadn't prepared his mentality to face Ludwig's anger, even though he had known before and expected it to come just right after he said things that were unsuitable to talk about at that moment. When the other eventually snapped, Gilbert flinched in surprise, accidentally spilling a few droplets of tears he had been holding. Even Gilbird and his tiny friends squeaked and fled away at the startling banging noise. The Prussian froze in his position while Ludwig firmly explained that he didn't intend to marry anyone just to get an instant way to fix their financial state post-war.

Ludwig was right. He shouldn't have worsened their feelings by saying something like that, something that implied the idea that his brother and him needed other's help and were too weak to get out of this mess by themselves. Gilbert just realized by suggesting a marriage at that time of year, he might have insulted and underestimated his brother's faith in himself to restore their condition to the initial state. And the red-eyed felt worse because if it.

There was an awkward moment of silence after that as tears rolled down Gilbert's cheek, to which he quickly wipes away. He then felt Ludwig's hand on his shoulder. Gilbert remembered that his brother even mentioned before that he wanted his older brother to see him as a grown-up man Gilbert can relied on, a strong gentleman who's able to manage things on his own, who promised that he would never let go of him--that's a sweeter and more sappy assumption of Ludwig's more "brotherly-love" words, but it's the same meaning.

It's both heartwarming and heartwrenching at the same time. This time, after making sure Ludwig didn't catch him crying too much, Gilbert decided to cover it up with a small laughter. "Yeah, you're probably right," he added, still looking away from the intense stare from a pair of blue eyes. Gilbert was honestly half-glad that Ludwig rejected the mindless marriage suggestion, he didn't want to imagine his beloved little brother embrace another person in his beautiful, strong arms. He disliked the idea of Ludwig holding somebody else in his bed and tasting his tender lips as they made love, somehow. He knew that's an unnatural feeling, something that was not tha kind of jealousy a big brother should have over his little brother. But then again it was a true feeling, somehow.

"My intention was to say that you indeed have grown into a handsome and strong guy. Girls go crazy over you, do you know?" He smiled a bit, tears had stopped. "I mean if I was a girl, I'd totally marry you, Lud."

The next sentence was half unsubcinsciously spoken and wasn't mean to be said out loud, but in this complicated and confusing state, Gilbert couldn't think clearly. Once he realized, the Prussian couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed.

"I mean you're a perfect husband candidate, like, if we got married, your calmness could stabilize my on fire awesomeness, right?" he said, trying to fix but didn't help much.

Didn't wish to drown in embarrassing moment and make an awkward atmosphere, Gilbert tried to change the topic and didn't really give Ludwig a time to react. "M-man! It's getting a bit hot here. Ugh, sunny day," chirped Gilbert randomly, hoping he wasn't being too obvious. "Where's my medicine again, Ludwig? Gosh, how much longer do I need to bedrest, I miss being awesome," he continued to talk, mostly to himself as an attempt to prevent to going back the embarrassing topic.

July 23, 2017

Ludwig sighed when his brother apparently came back to his mind again and stopped with the nonsense. He patted Gilbert again before he took his hand away and got the empty plate out of the way.

Just when he attempted to get the other’s medicine ready Gilbert spoke again, this time telling him that he had grown into a handsome man. To Ludwig it was obviously mockery; why else would his older brother say something like that to him? And he doubted that it was true that there were girls who went crazy over him. At least he had never realised such a thing. The blond muscular man had never really thought about whether he was attractive or not. It had little to no relevance in his life and most other things in life were more important than his looks or whether other people found him attractive or not. Work, innovation, improvement and efficiency were a few of those more important things.

“No, I don’t know and I don’t care either.” He answered indifferently, when his brother just ignored his answer again and continued talking. Ludwig’s eyes widened for a second when the older man stated he would marry him if he were a lady.

While this probably wasn’t mockery anymore - if it was it was a weird kind of mockery- it seemed to be one of those mindless comments some people made that had no meaning at all.

This statement was on the same level of seriousness as the one Francis had once made a long time ago when he had been drunk and exclaimed if he were a woman he would fondle and play with his tits 24/7. It was highly likely that Gilbert had put as much thought into saying what he just had as Francis saying that – none.

Consequently it was irksome for the blond that he was now actually imagining marrying Gilbert, not if he was a woman, but just as they actually were. If they were married it would be appropriate for Ludwig to passionately kiss him, to hold him, to lay with him, it wasn’t only appropriate it would have been his duty then. He liked the notion of it but he also knew how absurd it was and that it would never happen. The idea of two men marrying was ridiculous, just sleeping with another man was a crime under §175 StGB already, it was against the law, it was punishable and that didn’t even take into account that they were brothers.

Ludwig would never hold or touch Gilbert like that; he would never touch anyone like that ever. It was against the law after all. It was bad enough already that he had those thoughts and desires, that he hid those pictures of fellow men in the erotic magazines but at least the thoughts and the pictures alone weren’t a criminal offence.

He hated that he would seriously think about nearly every little thing, even when others didn't even take them seriously, because now his mind was stuck on the subject and it was an unpleasant one for him. It probably wasn’t for his brother though as far as Ludwig knew. Gilbert had been with women plenty of times, at least Ludwig had heard him bragging about that in front of others. His older brother was normal; it was clearly him who wasn’t.

It was his brother’s voice again that threw him out of his uncomfortable and somewhat dark thoughts. When Ludwig looked at the other man he could see that he was a little uneasy now and that he still talked about him as a candidate for marriage. To the blond man it seemed that Gilbert wanted to correct the comment he made earlier about marrying him if he were a woman.

Maybe it hadn’t been as mindlessly stated as Ludwig had thought?

What the Prussian had said now amused Ludwig a little because even if they weren’t married, it still was somewhat how the other imagined them as a couple. Ludwig’s calm and calculative nature already stabilised Gilbert and sometimes moderated his fierce enthusiasm if necessary.

There was no doubt about it; the two of them completed each other.

“Isn’t it like that already though?” he asked but got talked over by Gilbert who blabbered something because he seemingly felt embarrassed by the things he had said.

It was obvious to the German that his older brother tried to distract him from the former subject. He knew him too well to not realise that he felt awkward now. Especially when Gilbert asked about his medicine it was one hundred percent clear because he normally would never bring up the medicine on his own.

Ludwig couldn’t help but finding that rather cute and a faint and slight smile chiselled itself into his face. “I was about to get the medicine for you when you told me you’d marry me if you were a lady brother.” He answered truthfully and the smile grew. “I’m getting it for you now. And how long you have to bed rest depends on how fast or slow you recover.”

Still smiling like that he went to the small medicine cabinet in Gilbert’s room to get the medicine. He prepared it for him and placed it onto the bed stand so that the older man could take it without a problem. Then he turned around to the medicine cabinet again to fetch some new bandages for him.

July 24, 2017

Gilbert's cheeks were still beet red and the blush spread to the man's ears, in contrast against his pale skin, even as he tried not to think about those embarrassing words anymore. Yes, he was trying to play it cool and laugh it away but he couldn't help but cursing himself. He knew he was a silly man like Ludwig had told him a lot but at least he usually used his brain to sort out words that he was about to speak. That stupidly charming face be damned, Gilbert must have been distracted by it. Well, he couldn't blame himself for doing so, seeing back then in the war, he had rarely met and seen Lud and it seemed the German had grown more good-looking as the time passed by.

Though he had tried his hardest to bury the topic, Ludwig had another idea and thought it was amusing to tease Gilbert like that. Said man pouted a bit and he looked away, still with a pair of eyebrows scrunched together and blushed a vibrant color, mouthing a silent, "shut it, stupid Lud." As the other prepared the bandages and the prescription he needed to take, Gilbert just sat silently, seeming to be deep in important matters, as he thought about those words again, letting Ludwig take the lead and care for him. Now come to think about it again about his canceled implied marriage proposal to Lud, the thing that troubled Gilbert the most wasn't the fact that they were men and brothers related by blood. It was that he stupidly said that he should be the girl in the relationship, which sounded a bit uncool to Gilbert's opinion in his own masculinity. So despite it was still embarrassing, Gilbert couldn't stop himself from commenting to his remark.

"Well, I kinda wanna clarify something," started the Prussian as he received four different kinds of pills from his brother and put them into his mouth, somehow looking stupidly smug even though it was medicine time and usually he hated the taste. "I--" He was cut off before he said anything by Ludwig pushing a glass of water towards the man's lips, to which Gilbert accepted and swallowed down the medicine. "Ew, it tastes like shit as always." Gilbert made a face as the pills made its way into his throat while Ludwig unwrapped his old bandage. The tiny scratches on his body had dried, leaving only scars and black-and-blue spots but the bigger wounds across his chest and shoulder were mostly still open and, of course, painful.

"It's uh... um, ow! It hurts!" He whimpered, glaring at his little brother even though Ludwig had been as gentlest as he could. "Okay, so, I mean, if we got to marry one day, you definitely would be a great bride for me. Making breakfast, caring for me when I got sick, doing all the house works--ow, slowly, Lud, you're tying it too tight! Okay! Okay, fine, I'd help with house chores." Gilbert sighed and rolled his eyes but then shook his head and grinned, somehow feeling pleased with the suggestion of him being the manly man of their imaginary marriage relationship.

- - - Updated - - -

Gilbert's cheeks were still beet red and the blush spread to the man's ears, in contrast against his pale skin, even as he tried not to think about those embarrassing words anymore. Yes, he was trying to play it cool and laugh it away but he couldn't help but cursing himself. He knew he was a silly man like Ludwig had told him a lot but at least he usually used his brain to sort out words that he was about to speak. That stupidly charming face be damned, Gilbert must have been distracted by it. Well, he couldn't blame himself for doing so, seeing back then in the war, he had rarely met and seen Lud and it seemed the German had grown more good-looking as the time passed by.

Though he had tried his hardest to bury the topic, Ludwig had another idea and thought it was amusing to tease Gilbert like that. Said man pouted a bit and he looked away, still with a pair of eyebrows scrunched together and blushed a vibrant color, mouthing a silent, "shut it, stupid Lud." As the other prepared the bandages and the prescription he needed to take, Gilbert just sat silently, seeming to be deep in important matters, as he thought about those words again, letting Ludwig take the lead and care for him. Now come to think about it again about his canceled implied marriage proposal to Lud, the thing that troubled Gilbert the most wasn't the fact that they were men and brothers related by blood. It was that he stupidly said that he should be the girl in the relationship, which sounded a bit uncool to Gilbert's opinion in his own masculinity. So despite it was still embarrassing, Gilbert couldn't stop himself from commenting to his remark.

"Well, I kinda wanna clarify something," started the Prussian as he received four different kinds of pills from his brother and put them into his mouth, somehow looking stupidly smug even though it was medicine time and usually he hated the taste. "I--" He was cut off before he said anything by Ludwig pushing a glass of water towards the man's lips, to which Gilbert accepted and swallowed down the medicine. "Ew, it tastes like shit as always." Gilbert made a face as the pills made its way into his throat while Ludwig unwrapped his old bandage. The tiny scratches on his body had dried, leaving only scars and black-and-blue spots but the bigger wounds across his chest and shoulder were mostly still open and, of course, painful.

"It's uh... um, ow! It hurts!" He whimpered, glaring at his little brother even though Ludwig had been as gentlest as he could. "Okay, so, I mean, if we got to marry one day, you definitely would be a great bride for me. Making breakfast, caring for me when I got sick, doing all the house works--ow, slowly, Lud, you're tying it too tight! Okay! Okay, fine, I'd help with house chores." Gilbert sighed and rolled his eyes but then shook his head and grinned, somehow feeling pleased with the suggestion of him being the manly man of their imaginary marriage relationship.

July 24, 2017

Ludwig took the place next to Gilbert’s bed again ready to give him his medicine. It was the same order every day and it had become a routine for the both of them already.

The blond man was focussed on the medicine so he didn’t really care for whatever his brother wanted to clarify. It probably wasn’t anything important anyway and even if it was he could still do it after he had taken the medicine and the bandages were changed. The younger man was almost certain that wanting to clarify something was a new excuse Gilbert had come up with to delay the taking of the medicine because he hated it and just as he had thought the Prussian complained about the taste of the pills as he did every day.

“Come on Gilbert, don’t be a wuss, it doesn't suit you.” Ludwig commented as he did almost always.

He put the glass of water back onto the bed stand and began to unwrap the old bandages.

His brother’s chest looked better than the days before, the scratches had almost healed but the large wounds were open and seemed to not heal well. Ludwig sighed and took the balm that was supposed to allay the inflammation of the wounds and to make it heal faster.

The taller blond man tried to be careful and gentle when he applied the balm onto the wounds but he apparently wasn’t that successful since his brother exclaimed that it hurt him.

“I’m sorry.” He apologised and looked at his own hand. Ludwig had rather huge and rough hands, the hands of a working man. And the materials and things that he worked with usually were inanimate objects and he hadn’t had to be gentle with them. The German and his whole persona obviously wasn’t made for the role he had taken here, he wasn’t made for nursing someone to health. But sometimes in life one could have to fulfil tasks that one wasn’t good at and Ludwig gave a hundred percent even though he could have understood if Gilbert had the wish for someone else with smaller, gentler hands, someone warmer taking care of him instead of him.

Next he had to wrap the older man into new bandages again and he at least thought that he wasn’t that horrible while doing this anymore. He tried to concentrate on what he was doing, so that he wouldn’t be pulling the bandages to tight again because he often forgot how much strength he actually had and since he was a strong man, it was quite a lot, when his brother started with his previously announced clarification.

Ludwig raised one of his eyebrows and looked at the other questioning and a little unbelieving that this was something he felt necessary to “clarify”. His brother seemed to be concerned that Ludwig would now think of him as a chick or feminine or something. He didn’t quite understand.

Caught in his thoughts he pulled the bandages too tight and Gilbert protested with a pained expression on his face. The German immediately loosened the bandages again but still looked at his older brother with a face that said ‘Seriously?’

He sighed when he fixated the end of the bandages and then commented the other mans thoughts.

“I don’t think so!” he just said about him being the bride in the scenario and rose up from his chair bringing back the medicine into the cabinet.

“To be fair though, I don’t think that you’d make a good bride or housewife either. Why would anyone want something like that anyway.” The blond let his brother know while sorting the medicine.

“So why don’t you just cut the bride part out of your scenario.” He asked and carelessly closed the door of the medicine cabinet which banged behind him.

As soon as he had spoken those words he regretted them even though he had been aware of what he had said there and had meant it. What he hadn’t thought about before was that when one would take more thought into them and add them together with his earlier statements they might gave a hint about for which team he was actually playing and he didn’t really want Gilbert to come to that conclusion.

That was why Ludwig didn’t intend to let the other much time to interpret and speculate about his words but attempted to continue with their daily schedule, what was nothing unusual for the German at all.

“I’ll have to get the kitchen into order and head to the market now. Do you want me to bring you outside into the garden or would you rather stay here?” he wanted to know from his older brother.

July 25, 2017

When Ludwig commented to his silly idea--even Gilbert himself thought it was a stupid thing because he could imagine it well how funny it would be to see Ludwig, a muscular, tall male like Ludwig, standing at the altar in a white wedding gown, pftt, it didn't suit him at all--Gilbert did wonder what that exactly meant. Gilbert wasn't so stupid, even though sometimes he acted like he's a total idiot who joked around too much, but he honestly was pretty clever. Of course, if not he wouldn't have been a great warrior back then. But this time, he just didn't get it. It seemed Ludwig was trying to be vague, as if they were sending each other language codes like how they did to communicate during the war so the enemy wouldn't know.

The more he wanted to think over it, the more his head hurt so Gilbert just assumed his little brother just really didn't like the topic and wished it to end. "He really hates it, uh? Marriage..," he hummed quietly enough, barely audible as he spoke mostly to himself, which got talked over by Ludwig. "It sounds good to me, y'know, having someone to spend your lifetime with..." His silent whisper to himself distracted him from Ludwig so when his little brother stared down at him, Gilbert didn't realize he was waiting for an answer to his question.

"Eh, what did you say again? Sorry, I slacked off." After an irritated sigh and Ludwig explained to him one more time, Gilbert chirped almost immediately without thinking. "Bring me outside! It's so boring here, all woods and smells like shitty pills and balm." He reached out for his brother to help him out. "Or a better deal, I can go with you to the market," suggested Gilbert again, another mindless speaking. He's at that moment clearly not in a good shape to even stand for a long time by his own, let alone having to walk at the market in between German citizens, who walked in a pretty fast pace, relative to his injured leg. Maybe it'd be better if they had a wheelchair. But still, Gilbert didn't wish to be alone here.

"C'mon, Lud, I don't want you to get lost," he said, making up silly excuses which was stupid, only so he could go with him. "Let me go to the market too."

July 25, 2017

Ludwig had already been ready to take his brother into the garden when Gilbert suddenly expressed a wish that was understandable and yet unreasonable. “No! You’ll stay here. I can’t possibly take you with me in that condition. You can barely even stand on your own and I don’t want to see your condition worsened just because you wanted to accompany me to the market.” He rejected the other mans wish, crossing his arms.

His brother continued his pleading though and the German got it. He wouldn’t want to sit around at the house all day but it would be unsound to take a man with such injuries with him to the crowded market place that had become much more chaotic and the people more ruthless and egocentric as it was before.

“I’ve been to the market alone plenty of times, I never got lost and I won’t get lost this time.” He explained, knowing very well that this was just another excuse, an extraordinarily stupid one, the Prussian had made because he didn’t want to stay at home.

It was actually more likely that Ludwig got lost in his own mind these days than at the market place but that he wouldn’t tell anyone.

“Fine” he sighed. “I’ll go and see if I can find a wheelchair or something to build one on the attic. If so, I’ll risk it and take you with me to the market. If not, you’ll stay in the garden with Gilbird and his friends, alright?!” He compromised and left the room to search at the attic. Ludwig hadn’t been there for years, he couldn’t remember that he had ever been up there, maybe as a kid with his brother, so he had no clue what stuff would await him there.

The attic was so dusty that it made him cough. It was home to plenty spiders and as he just realised also to a family of singing birds. The things that were stored there were just as vast as the dust and most of them were incredibly old. Ludwig only had a memory of very few of them and if he had time – what he hadn’t – he would have looked at the things more closely as they were pretty interesting.

It took him a while because he had to search himself through a lot of dusty things but he found an old wooden wheelchair and apparently it still worked. It needed a little oil but that was no problem at all. Ludwig couldn’t remember having seen the chair ever before but maybe he had and just couldn’t remember it anymore.

Now he just needed some pillows or a blanket that the chair wasn’t that uncomfortable to sit on anymore and a rag to clean it with. When Ludwig searched for the pillows something else caught his eye.

A huge mirror with a golden frame that was taller than him.

This mirror, he knew, had been a present from Ivan to Gilbert back in times the two of them had been close friends. Ludwig remembered the day when his brother all of the sudden had taken down the mirror and had brought it up onto the attic. The blond had asked the other why he had done that but he hadn’t received an answer back then.

What Ludwig actually interested, or more accurately baffled, was his own reflection in the mirror though. His eyes were tired and red, steering bitterly, he was sweaty, his clothes were dirty and he had a three-day beard. It had been a while that he had looked at his own reflection. The man hadn’t taken the time to mount the mirror in the bath back on that had fallen down months ago.

Apparently he hadn’t shaved the last days; he had forgotten it, well at least his hair was done though.

He stared at himself. Not because he liked his reflection so much but because he couldn’t really find himself in the mirror anymore.

What happened then made him wipe his eyes in disbelief but it didn’t make it go away. Joining him in the mirror was another version of himself dressed in a black uniform, a blinking silver skull on his hat. He couldn’t remember that he had ever worn some shit like that so it couldn’t just be a memory.

“You are too much worth than being in this bad condition. If you don’t do something soon you’ll crumble and there will be nothing left of the actual, great you anymore.” the guy said. It was the dark seductive thought pattern.

Ludwig could now look at it or actually, his mind was producing a picture that wasn’t really there.

He in the uniform looked like a prideful man, the blond had always been a prideful man but there was something in the eyes of the black clothed version of him that he had never seen in his own face before – arrogance and narcissism. Ludwig had never been arrogant, he actually was overly self critical and strict with himself. The dark guy he saw next to him in the mirror however seemed to look down on everyone else.

“You know that this is what you deserve! And yes it will change you but for the better. If you take your punishment and forget about your toxic, destructive pride that hurts others, then you finally can be a person worth anything.” A version of him with a flat cap shouted over the dark guy, it was the red screams.

His reflection in the black uniform rolled his blue eyes at the words of his reflection with the cap and as if it was able to multiply itself through mitosis another guy who looked like Ludwig appeared in the mirror. He was wearing a brown shirt and held a baton in hand. The first punch with the baton hit the guy with the flat cap right in his face. The man in black smirked at the doing of the brown one.

“What has he done!” thought Ludwig and the smirking arrogant man with the seductive voice pattern said:”He just killed him! It was about time he was a hassle” The only real reflection in the mirror that wasn’t a phantasm, his poorly groomed worn out self, widened his eyes in shock. “Why?” Ludwig wanted to know and got an answer, this time a vague one. “Because he deserved it! Because it was the right thing to do! To safe!”

Ludwig didn’t understand he just looked at the brown shirt still kicking the already dead guy. The dark clothed man pulled the brown shirt away on his collar like a lab dog.

“Who are you?” the real Ludwig wanted to know. The other laughed:” I am you of course. Who else could I possibly be.” “No.” He protested. “Yes. He is you as well.” The other replied nodding at the brown shirt.

“That means that he was me too? So I have just killed a part of myself? Why would I do that it doesn't make sense?” the German was starting to get a massive migraine. “One has to clean oneself before one can clean the world for the greater good. We have a lot of work to do still but this was an important step.” The uniformed man said. “It is obvious that I am your future and he is your present.” He nodded to the raging guy in brown again. The man’s face showed pure anger, aggression and violence, he was still swinging the baton ready to hit, whereas the other one seemed just as calculative, orderly and calm as Ludwig had been before he had come to that terrible state but for some reason those traits seemed to be something dangerous within that version.

“But if you are me are you ... too .....” he wanted to ask but didn’t think the thought to its end. “Yes, I am. It isn’t a problem though as I am incredibly disciplined and I know what is my illness and to not give in to it. You should listen to your brother; he is a smart man he has always been. You should marry the Belgian girl. You marring that girl would be splendid for the survival of our nation, of your bloodline. And the glory of the nation is what is important after all, nothing else matters. Your disgusting feelings are unimportant.” The man barked at him:”Clean yourself from them too.”

“Why are you saying I should clean myself, or the world?” The man laughed and his laughter was cynical, cold and didn’t sound like Ludwig who rarely laughed anyway.

“You are a neat freak aren’t you? You’re cleaning your house obsessively. And some people and ideas are like dirt, they need to be wiped away.”

Next thing Ludwig realised was his fist hitting the mirror right where the face of the guy in black had been. He shivered. This was not him! It couldn’t be him! His shoes stepped on the broken glass of the mirror on the ground. Shards! Shards everywhere! The second thing he had smashed that day.

He felt sick and for a moment he thought he would lose consciousness from his migraine. Blood was flowing down to the ground from his right hand. The mirror had left two deep cuts across his fingers but he didn't notice.

Ludwig tried to get his shit together and he just turned to the wheelchair again. He needed to leave the damn attic, maybe he could breathe better outside.

The younger brother carried the wheelchair down into the garden. When he went into the kitchen to get a rag and some water to clean it, he remembered the wood from the smashed cuckoo clock and he cleaned up the mess that he had made. While doing that he had realised that his hand was spilling blood all over the place, so he bound a clean kitchen towel around it because he needed the bandages for Gilbert. He cleaned the blood from the floor, went back into the garden to clean the wheelchair as well and then went up into Gilbert’s room again.

“I found a wheelchair; you can come to the market with me. We need to take one of your pillows though because I couldn’t find one.” He said unable to hide his uneas and confusion on his face.

‘And I think I just murdered someone or something, I don’t have a clue. I am probably going insane.’ He thought but he wouldn’t ever say that. This was his problem, not Gilbert’s and he always solved his problems by himself and wasn't able to accept help from others.

He helped his brother out of the bed and carefully carried him, together with one of his pillows, down the creaking stairs into the garden where the wheelchair stood. He placed the pillow on it and then sat Gilbert down into the chair leaving with him for the market, staring into the emptiness, not realising the beautiful landscape around them.

“I apologise for dismissing your thoughts about marriage earlier. You were right! I probably shouldn’t be that egocentric and marry the Belgian girl, for the greater good of our nation. And the nation comes above all else doesn’t it? I am not that important.” He suddenly said to his brother in a weird mix of fanatic determination and devouring sadness.

July 29, 2017

While Ludwig was looking for something for Gilbert to use as a wheelchair, said man laid down on his bed and patiently waited. Blankly staring at the wall in front of him, the image of savory food and baked goods sold in the market began to fill his head. Gilbert felt his mouth water at the thought. Well, he wasn't to be blamed if his tongue missed the taste of juicy meat and flavory food. All they'd been eating these post-war days was either buttered plain bread or boiled potatoes after all. They had to work hard to pay the war debt and to rebuild their wrecked house and of course that didn't cost only a penny or two, which meant they only needed to cut down expenses for fancy meal and had to bear the tasteless loaf of hard bread for a couple of months until everything got better, that was. He knew the fact that even though he went along his little brother to the market, they would still not be able to buy any beer or delicious-smelling food for lunch. Instead go for another kilogram of potatoes and maybe a few eggs too if he asked Ludwig nicely. But that's it.

Still, Gilbert thought it would be better than to spend his day alone and instead let that heavenly scent of food sold in the market fill his nostrils.

But then another startling noise, this time a sound of glass breaking, snapped him out of his imagination. He hadn't had any idea about the loud noise before this but then another took place? Gilbert then froze in his position as many negative thinking immediately took over the position of food in his mind. Was... was someone trying to break into their house? But why? Didn't the whole world, not to mention the people in their hometown, know already about their loss at the war? They should have known there weren't anything valuable in their house anymore. Or another option... that wasn't the intention. What if the intruder were after his and his brother's heart? What if they were the professional killers sent by the enemy of German government, to annihilate them? Gilbert swallowed hard.

But come to think about it, if there had been a person lurking around their house, let alone trying to break in, Ludwig should have known and realized before. He had been up for hours, he must have been there if said intruder broke their wooden door. So that option must be off-list. Now the only possible source of those sounds was... Ludwig himself. Gilbert remembered Ludwig mentioned that he would search up the attic to find something to support the Prussian to walk. So what if something bad happened to him when he's rummaging through those obsolescent woods? What if when he was trying to reach the top of a cupboard, a window glass fell and hit his head?

Gilbert didn't even know which was more terrifying to imagine, an assassin in the house who's after their lives or to find wounded Ludwig with blood all over his face.

Getting worried, Gilbert planned to get up and look for his younger brother but his body didn't let him. By the time he sat up straighter and his legs hung from the top of the bed, his head began to spin like crazy. The fucking medicine hadn't kicked in yet. He even needed to lean his forehead onto piles of pillow to steady himself. Now there's no way he would be able to help Ludwig. Gilbert thought if he had forced himself and insisted to go, he dared, he would only have passed out in the middle of the way and worsened the situation. So the Prussian decided to stay and waited for his brother to come to him. He believed Ludwig was strong and careful enough not to let that happen and so he tried to calm himself and waited.

Though after fifteen to twenty minutes that felt like years had passed, Gilbert couldn't hide his worry anymore. He even began to pray to God to protect and accompany Ludwig wherever he was now—even if said guy was only meters away from him. But what if his thought was correct, that Ludwig was lying unconscious now, bathing in his own blood? Fortunately before his imagination could go wilder, the door to his room swung open, revealed a well-looking Ludwig, instead of the strange assassin guy in his fantasy before. No knocking like he usually did, which was a bit odd, but that still made the older of the two let out a relieved sigh.

But the moment he saw Ludwig's face, Gilbert knew something was up. Something bad might have happened, that it showed in the young German soldier's face. He looked even more exhausted than before—well, that probably to be expected since he had to walk through and moved tons of unused stuffs in the loft in the search, but he seemed restless and anxious now. The facial expression showed anger and... fear both at the same time. What the heck did actually happen?

But before Gilbert could ask a word, Ludwig announced that he had found a wheelchair and that they were going to go. The older of the two just nodded, lost of words, and let the blond carry him downstairs. Then he caught a glance of red stains on a cloth that's wrapped around Ludwig's right hand and the whiff of fresh blood in the air. Ah, he then realized, so it's his hand which's hurt. More calmed down by the fact, Gilbert laid his head on his younger brother's firm shoulder and made a mental note to remind Ludwig to take care of the wound later.

But Ludwig was a bit more rough that he usually was, too, Gilbert had to swallow a whimper when his hand pressed on his bruised side tightly as the blond carried him. To add it up, seeing his brother close up now, the Prussian could clearly see how cold his expression was and that made Gilbert shiver, but not in a good way. He remembered Ludwig was all grin and teasing him minutes before he heard the glass shatters.

Gilbert was still deep in his thoughts when they eventually reached the garden and he was placed in the wheelchair. Whose wheelchair was that, Gilbert didn't know, He didn't remember having seen it either. There were actually so many questions he wanted to ask—like what happened to his hand and all—, but at the moment Ludwig seemed distant and unapproachable somehow and that made the older brother a bit stiff. Right when Gilbert tried to melt the tense atmosphere with some silly jokes, he heard Ludwig's deep voice break their uncomfortable silence with words that made his eyes widened in shock.

Did he just say he would take into account marrying the neighboring girl?

"What? No!" He turned his head fast to Ludwig who's pushing the wheelchair behind him, who paid him no mind and focused on the road instead of returning Gilbert's eye contact. "I mean, no, Lud, your feelings are important! You can't say that. And... and what the heck, why did you suddenly agree like that? I thought you hated even the thought of marriage!"

He knew how stupid he must have sounded seeing how Ludwig agreed to the marriage contract surprised him despite less than an hour ago he was being stubborn about how good the plan was and how it was beneficial to both Ludwig himself and the nation restoration. But wasn't he hating on the idea so much before? He remembered what expression Ludwig put on when yelled at him. Pained, that was. So why did he out of the blue bring back the topic and realize the plan was good? What was wrong? What happened when he fetched the wheelchair? If so, how did the wound have any relation to this sudden approval?

Gilbert was going to explode with all of his unanswered questions.

"C'mon, Lud, don't be like that. You told me to treat you like a man you are now. You're young and strong. Talented and smart, too. You don't have to force yourself like this," Gilbert added, looking away, suddenly feeling frustrated. "You promised you will get us out of this mess. You said we don't need anyone help. I was a fool to underestimate your strength, but now I do realize and trust you with all of my being. I know you're capable of doing this, Lud. You don't need to borrow that girl's power, do you?"

To tell the truth, the platinum blond was out of his mind when he spat the marriage offer. He was sad and his mind was full of negative thoughts and his only intention was not to burden Ludwig and made him happy. But Gilbert must admit that he hated the idea of the most precious person in his life marrying that Belgian girl--fuck that, he's glad when Ludwig said he didn't intend to marry anyone else. He felt necessarily angry and somehow jealous now. God, he regretted it so much to have offered the suggestion.

July 30, 2017

His brother’s reaction surprised him. He had thought that the other would say something along the lines of “I told you so.” with a smug facial expression. But now Gilbert opposed his own idea. Ludwig couldn’t understand this; there was no logical reasoning behind it.

The blonds face stayed blank and his eyes were still staring into the nothingness when the older man repeated Ludwig’s words from before. “I never said I needed her power or her money. I still stand by my promise; I will get us out of this mess on my own. I will rebuilt our place and then marry the Belgian girl.” He explained. “It is about furthering my influence, about gaining new living space for our glorious people, about reaching new heights. I want our nation to become greater than ever before.” He said and in his head a lot of teachings appeared that Ludwig had never cared to really learn about before but suddenly he seemed to know everything about those topics, one of those was Eugenics. His face looked as megalomaniac and arrogant as the face of the man in the dark uniform had looked in the mirror for a moment after he had said that but it disappeared as soon as it had appeared. “You are right about me hating the thought of marriage but I shouldn’t hate it in the first place, right.” And in his mind he added:”I only hate it because of my illness.” He phrased it and he hated to think that as he didn’t actually thought he had an illness. The only thing that had bugged him about that he was the way he was always had been that it would have been a crime to act on it. But now there were those thoughts in his head, somehow disconnected to him and connected at the same time that told him he was sick and needed cure as his supposed illness was toxic to his nation.

“I won’t take any of that shit anymore Gilbert! I won’t work for Francis and Arthur another second, they can suck my arse.” He added when they arrived at the market place.

It was crowded and Ludwig had expected to see fights going on but the only thing he could see were intimidation in some people’s faces and apathy in others, as some of his citizens who wore brown shirts like that one guy who had killed that other guy in the mirror were apparently controlling the market place.

He paused for a second looking around and it seemed much less chaotic than it had been before. While he had very mixed feelings about the brown shirts there was at least order at the market place and that was a positive thing or wasn’t it?

When Ludwig had decided where he wanted to go first, he saw a familiar face appearing before the two brothers. Roderich Edelstein was looking at them through his glasses, looking displeased.

“Look who’s there, standing around at the market place but being too busy to contact me to tell me that he won’t be making it to our weekly meet up, not that I would care about seeing you but I made cake and it is about the principle.” The brown haired Austrian hissed and Ludwig remembered that he had forgotten something. “I’m sorry I’ve forgotten it, I had to bring some cuckoo clocks to Francis.” The blond apologised.

Roderich sighed frustratingly and irritated and then took a closer look at Ludwig, being nearly offended by the way the German man looked. “God, how are you even looking? That’s disgraceful. And your face, urg!”, the aristocratic male criticised grapping the taller and more muscular man’s jaw and moving the others face from the right to the left. Ludwig took the Austrians soft and filigree hand away from his face thinking that he would have much better hands to nurse Gilbert back to health than he had. “What about my face?” he asked. “That caricature of a beard you have, it looks disorderly, so uncivilised. And those lines around your eyes! I don’t even want to mention your dirty clothes and the fact that you smell like sweat.”

Ludwig rolled his blue eyes and sighed. Roderich would probably make a good housewife the way he scolded the German. And that triggered an idea in Ludwig’s mind. Why not Roderich? They had a history together, the same langue, similar genetics and he wouldn’t have to force him like he would probably have to do with the Belgian girl. Instead he could just ask him after he had rebuilt his house. He was sure the Austrian would say yes to a partnership as a marriage wasn’t possible then.

The dark thought pattern in his head applauded Ludwig for his brilliant idea and it made the blond feel validated against his will.

While the German was grinning on the inside, Roderich’s voice sounded again. “Ludwig, what happened to your hand? There is blood on your hand. You can’t just put some kitchen towel around it, you need to take care of such an obviously deep wound, not that I care about you or anything.” “Ja,ja.” Ludwig commented half annoyed half amused when Roderich turned to Gilbert the first time.

“He wouldn’t look like that now if I had continued taking care of him instead of you.” He barked at the Prussian and Ludwig shook his head as that was what always happened when the two of them met. They were always fighting like an old married couple.

“I don’t think that I would look that much different now.” Ludwig commented but Roderich didn’t seem to care as he was still glaring at Gilbert.

“What are you even doing here Roderich?” Ludwig wanted to know to distract the Austrian from his injured brother.

“I always come to a shop that sells wonderful fabrics here. But apparently those young gentlemen dressed in brown block anyone from entering the shop without the threat of being beaten up. Do you know something about this? And can you tell me where I shall get those specific fabrics now?”

Ludwig couldn’t tell if the Austrian wanted an information or if he wanted to accuse him of being responsible for his fabric problem, or both. The German didn’t know that. He never bought fabric, when he wanted some clothes he always went to the tailor of his trust who fittingly had the last name Schneider. And if he had to care of every single problem with some shop in his country he wouldn’t get any of his tasks done anymore. “No, I haven’t heard of that.” He answered. “And I don’t know another fabric shop either.”

The brown haired let them hear a sigh and then spoke again:”Do you have time tomorrow afternoon?” he asked. “I’ll make some if you want.” Ludwig offered and a slight blush stole itself into the Austrians face. “I don’t care but I already made cake, it’s too much to eat it alone and I don’t want to waste it.” He screamed at the German and added:” 3:40pm at your place tomorrow then.”

Ludwig nodded and the Austrian turned around to leave when he heard the aristocrat’s voice scolding him again:” Don’t forget to shave your face and to put on some clean clothes, I am not eating cake with people who look like dossers.”

The German considered Roderich a friend but he also thought he was rather stressful and exhausting to have around. He turned to his brother again. “Forget the marriage and that girl, I have an even better, more efficient idea, we’ll become partners with Roderich.” He let his brother know and then moved forward asking:” Would you like to have Bratwurst or Königsberger Klopse for dinner today? And do you think Herr Schneider can still use your old measurements for a new uniform or have you lost too much weight?”

August 6, 2017

When he heard Ludwig's reasoning, Gilbert clicked his tongue. He wanted to complain, saying that if he didn't actually need mental or financial support or anything beneficial in general then why he would bother to make a strong bond between two nations such as marriage. Well, he did mention something about expanding Germany's influence to the world but it wasn't like they were newborn people, okay? Since his sudden growth spurt, Ludwig and his hardworking self quite easily made his way to fame and Gilbert had been a honorable warrior well known to the world long enough to be not only noticed but respected. The Prussian believed they were able to do this themselves.

But since he had been the one insisting and bringing the marriage topic to Ludwig's attention and it mismatched his protest, he kept it all to himself and stayed silent instead. But even in silence he still thought about it and the last and most reasonable reason was that Ludwig was really considering the sexual benefit that tagged along the marriage line. Thinking about that made Gilbert feel uncomfortable. Ludwig could say it's for their nation's good and all but now it all clicked, Ludwig must have been sexually frustrated long enough.

So Lud has that kind of feeling too.., Gilbert thought. Well, it should be normal as a man but still it's his baby brother, humorless Ludwig. It kind of shocked Gilbert recalling the fact that the German actually had sexual drive. It's that kind of longing feeling he might never be able to satisfy... both as a male and as his brother by blood. Unlike the usual pride when he could cook for him when Ludwig was hungry or when he was feeling lonely he could accompany him swigging beer all night. Kind of upsetting indeed.

Or just depressed by general. He had to restrain himself from sighing too loudly from the sudden rant about the cuckoo clocks Ludwig spat on him. When he was about to open his mouth and made a comforting comment about it, he saw a familiar male approach into their direction. As he got closer, the more clear who it was. He didn't even bother about manner and all and just rolled his eyes at the sight of Roderich. It'd been a while since they last met but he was the least person Gilbert wanted to see these days.

He was about make a snarky remark about how his unusually shabby clothes—he knew the Austrian also suffered from the failure of winning the previous war but it's still fun to tease him—, when he noticed that Roderich, in fact, was getting skinnier too. His squishy cheeks that used to be rosy and plump had changed into sharply framed face.

The more he looked at Roderich, the more upset he got. He looked tired—though not as exhausted as Ludwig was—and he lacked bully-able aura that often the Prussian felt surrounded him. Suddenly it got a bit too depressing to joke about it. So for the first time in forever Gilbert swallowed back the words of tease and mock and, instead, stayed quiet.

He wasn't dragged into the conversation and decided to take a look at the shops and stalls around them. A specific delicious smell made Gilbert flare his nostrils and turn his head quickly. He saw an old woman frying some kind of a meatball on the pan and his stomach grumbled loudly, as if demonstration suddenly took place in his tummy, complaining about the lack of nutritious and tasty meal. There he just realized how hungry he was for meat, after days of eating only old bread. He shifted his gaze elsewhere and spotted a group of middle-aged men drinking booze while laughing freely. Gilbert huffed, envious of those who were still able to find happiness in between shatters of wreckage like this moment. Ah, how he missed getting drunk to beer with Ludwig. Those peaceful days....

But then Gilbert was distracted by a familiarly annoying voice—who else it did belong to if not the brunet—and pouted at him. "Hey, fuck off, you spoiled Young Master . He's my official little bro. Not yours," complained Gilbert while childishly sticking out his tongue at the Austrian man. But unfortunately—or fortunately?--Roderich and Ludwig ignored his words and once again was shut away. But he for this one time he didn't really mind getting ignored for he wasn't in the right mood to argue more than that anyway and so he busied himself with anything else. All the looking and staring had killed time and once he realized Roderich and his brother had already made plan for a cake time tomorrow at their home and then the brunet left, but not without the annoying reminder to take a bath and change clothes. "Clean freak," muttered Gilbert, half irritated half amused.

When they continued their walk, another shocking statement fell from Ludwig's mouth. " Mein Gott, how many times did you plan to surprise me?!" he commented after the younger of the two made the suggestion of them partnering up with Roderich instead. Gilbert didn't immediately agree nor showing disapproval, thinking that indeed was a better idea than Ludwig proposing the Belgian girl. Although there was a chance that partnership promises an even closer relation between the three of them and it didn't close arguments and difference of opinion. Despite the different name, similar to marriage, partnership also meant Roderich would have a finger in the pie of their lives. There was a high probability to share the same house, too. Gilbert could already picture it clearly in his mind that there would be no day without him bickering with the Austrian. Besides, strengthening their bond through partnership like this also closed the gap between them and brought Roderich even closer to Ludwig. And somehow Gilbert disliked the idea of Ludwig depending on someone else rather than him.

But at least Ludwig's innocence and virginity was saved. As weird as it sounded, spoken by a big brother whose feeling of protectiveness might be a bit too much to be normal it could turn to be possessiveness.

"Ah, the Königsberger Klopse then. Are you cooking tonight?" He asked the obvious after his brother brought up the topic about dinner—of course he was going to cook since they had no enough money for take outs everyday. The thought of meat lightened his mood for a bit and he began grinning. "A new uniform? We have spare money for that? Uh, but he can take the last measurement. I'm not losing too much weight, Lud. You are.

"Also, back to the topic," he started, sometimes glancing up at the younger male who pushed the wheelchair for him, "I... I agree that it could be a better idea than marrying that girl. But still we need to discuss where to draw the lines, between political, economic, even private matters. I mean, all of it." He nibbled on his lip for a bit and then continued blabbering, "Like, listen, this bond means we might move into Rod's house, right? Or he should stay at ours but I still want the whole floor to myself—or with you, I don't mind sharing a room with you—but I don't wanna sleep next to him. Bet he would bring the piano and I'm fed up of his annoyingly great skill in melodic musical."

August 9, 2017

Ludwig was a little surprised that Gilbert seemingly had nothing to add or comment about his suggestion to partner with Roderich so he read that as silent agreement and smiled when his brother asked him if he was cooking for them in the evening. “Yes, I will. We will be eating more and better again from now on and when I have renovated our house we’ll have more time to spend together again too.” He answered.

When the older man wanted to know if they had enough money for new uniforms Ludwig’s face showed determination and pride. “Since I won’t be giving Francis and Arthur another pfennig, I have more work time for important things and don’t have to buy material for building the clocks, so yes, we sure have money for new uniforms. And we’ll wear them, regardless of what those two and their bloody contract say.”

Ludwig suddenly felt upwind and he was about to spread his wings and fly again, a new goal before his eyes. Then he remembered that he hadn’t told his brother about the others property that he had destroyed on the attic yet and he thought it was only right to inform his brother about it. “I also should tell you that I accidently destroyed your golden mirror, the one Ivan gave to you before he turned into a bloody communist, but don’t worry, soon I will get you a better mirror, with even more gold. I will give you everything that is beautiful and of worth in the whole world because you deserve to have it.” He confessed and his confession rather seemed like the euphoric plan of someone who was about to fly too high and too close to the sun or like a mindless promise. But promising things mindlessly was nothing that Ludwig would ever do.

Apparently Gilbert hadn’t exactly submitted to Ludwig’s plan and now expressed his concerns regarding the partnership with the Austrian.

“I’m talking about uniting ourselves with Roderich that means that our political systems, our homes and even our people will become one under the same roof.” He explained again and then added. “It will neither be his place nor our place; our places will combine so we will have enough space. You won’t have to give up your own floor; you won’t be giving up anything. It’s very flattering that you would prefer to sleep next to me than next to Roderich though.“ Ludwig continued.

“Look at it as putting together what belongs together. Can’t you see something familiar in him?”

The blond had never looked at it that way himself before; actually Roderich had always just been a good friend and one of the men who had raised him. Their relationship and friendship also was rather odd and when it came to Roderich and Gilbert, they had never gotten along too well. Even though they also had slight similarities they were very different personalities at the same time and they definitely had had their fights in the past.

Now it seemed as he looked at it from another perspective though and his new perspective was appreciated by the dark thought pattern that purred like a huge black cat.

“I don’t think that you’ll argue with him the whole time if he agreed to our partnership. We all would be busy and I think that we’d be able to work together quite well as we’ve already done so in the past. Plus, we will get all the space back that was taken from us and not only that, we will advance even further and become greater than any nation or empire before. The Roman Empire will fade compared to the glory we will achieve. So you won’t have to sit in the same room with him all day or anything.” He described his imagination of the scenario to his older brother “How does that sound to you?” Ludwig wanted to know.

The blond had to laugh about the comment regarding Roderich’s music. “I like his music. Sometimes I miss it and somehow he seems to realise it when this is the case when I come to visit and he will play for me.” He said and smiled a faint smile. “It reminds me of my early childhood. As you know I lived with Roderich before. I have forgotten most things from back then but I clearly remember his piano playing. I liked to sit next to him watching him play.” The blond looked a little dreamy remembering that.

He had had a weird early childhood indeed, living with Roderich, Elizabeta and that strange little girl his age. Later Roderich and Elizabeta had been married for a short while but at that time he had already been living with his beloved brother. He knew that his brother had also fought over Elizabeta against Roderich and at that point Ludwig had disliked the Hungarian lady who had been friendly to him during his childhood. But he couldn’t have helped himself; he just had hated her because his brother had wanted her to be his girl. Ludwig had been thankful that Roderich had got her. He had been happy about that and he had felt like trash for feeling that happy about something that had downed and pained his brother that much.

Remembering that he felt like shit again for a moment but he knew he would hate every woman his brother would like and he would always be happy if he didn’t end up with one.

He distracted himself from that thought as it clouded his mind and got back to the topic of music again.

“Not that I wouldn’t love your military marches or anything, you know I am especially fond of them and enjoy being in the parade with you. But sometimes I like to hear some classical as well.”

They arrived at the butcher’s booth where Ludwig bought the meat.

October 25, 2017

Gilbert hardly remembered about the mirror Ludwig mentioned earlier but when it clicked he couldn't help but feel a tad sad.

Oh, so this is the broken glass I heard before at home.

Actually it's not the golden frame nor the shiny glass of mirror which he regretted. It's the memories that seemed as if disintegrated along as the mirror broke into pieces. Screw what Ivan was becoming, he still had been Gilbert's friend before and he cherished even that kind of memory. Many questions filled the Prussian's mind and he really wanted to question him about things related to it, like how it happened, when and why Ludwig, who was usually careful and focused like a doctor sewing up his patient's wound, could be as clumsy as to accidentally broke a giant mirror like that. But Ludwig's following words caught his attention more. He knew his little brother was affectionate in his own way, he didn't really show his love directly like most romantic people would do. Gilbert thought what Ludwig had said to him about giving the world's best for him was sweet, it's almost embarrassing, but somehow felt a bit strange. The usually cold headed and realistic Ludwig had been a bit too dreamy and--he hated to say this, but it sounded like just a mere promise, an empty one.

The Prussian began to think that Ludwig wasn't really acting like his usual calm and composed self, and starting to become a more passionate and ambitious somehow. Which kind of scared Gilbert in someway and so he threw away unnecessary thoughts and questions about the mirror. "It's fine," was all he replied and then lowered his voice, "It's an old mirror just like what you said and I don't really need it anyway."

Then they're back at the marriage talk again. Gilbert was honestly not really sure about this plan. He knew Rod was one of the best choices--perhaps the only choice they had--and that they had a weird but acceptable relationship between each other. From the way he talked, from how much he had insisted, Gilbert sensed this was what Ludwig wanted for both of them--although his passionate and ambitious talks were a bit uncharacteristic to him. But it might be just his way to vent his frustration at the loss of the war and he tried to not pay it any mind. To be honest there were still some other things he would like to inquiry but his ears were tired of it for now and his stomach grumbled at the sight of delicious food and the imagination of the dinner and he couldn't concentrate. So for now Gilbert just left it be and decided to go along his brother's plan. And it's not like he hated Roderich anyway.

"Oh, his music," Gilbert started, relieved that the topic had changed into a lighter one. He shrugged and gave a smug expression. "My men's marches are still the best music in my ears. The drums and the trumpets, they fire up the spirits in soldiers. The most awesome. I love it best," he said, pride thick in his accent.

October 26, 2017

Ludwig couldn’t help but to think that his brother wasn’t taking him seriously again and that even though he had known the blond from an early age on and should have known that he wasn’t someone to throw around empty words or to fool around.

His face went stern and he thought that the older man probably just didn’t think he was capable enough. That he thought he wasn’t strong enough and that hurt him even though he wouldn’t show it. He had never shown how much it had hurt him that his brother would constantly underestimate him and treated him like a child.

And suddenly it made him angry again. He didn’t know why as he usually wasn’t the type to be easily enraged. He also wasn’t the type for euphoric plans and ambitious speeches. But there sure was that within him that wanted back up again and not only that, that wanted to show them all that they couldn’t mess with him anymore. It was a result of the humiliation his great nation had to endure, that he had to endure and all those feelings he had tried to repress, all that he had bottled up for so long in favour of functionality crept onto the surface now and that side that had appeared within him because it was currently present amongst his population scared him because it lived solely on feelings. Feelings of rage, feelings of pride, feelings of existential fear! And dealing with feelings had never been the blond’s strength. He usually just ignored them or swallowed them down.

Maybe Gilbert didn’t underestimate him and treat him like a toddler again, maybe he was simply concerned or scared about him saying things like that and acting off like that as well?

He wouldn’t ask. “Dear brother are you scared of my behaviour?” Wouldn’t make a decent conversation. Beside that Ludwig didn’t want to hear his answer.

The German bought quite some meat at the butchers shop and as soon as they had made it out of there he headed over to the tailor who took both of their measurements and told them that he would treat their new uniforms as the highest priority and wouldn’t rest until they were finished.

The blond gave him a smile for that and went on to buy some other ingredients for cooking.

On their way home he saw what was going on on the streets and what was messing him up inside. The people weren’t all as usual. Some of his people still were, even the majority really but the influence and power of the other people constantly grew. He turned his head away from the scenes and wanted to continue their way home.

They passed an empty building with thrown in windows and smeared walls. He took a look inside while shaking his head. It had been a hairdresser’s shop apparently but it was a little hard to tell as it looked rather rampaged. The building was a sad sight but then Ludwig saw something glimmering on the wall.

A golden mirror! “Wait a sec.” He said when he entered what once had been a shop through the hole in the wall. There should have been a door but that was missing as well. The people had also left there weeks ago. No one was in the whole building anymore. It was just a messy empty place amongst all the shiny and nice buildings and shops. The blond took the mirror from the wall and went back to his brother handing him said mirror. “Here!” he just spoke and then added:”Someone should repair that building again. There also should be a new shop. How about a new fabric store? Roderich said some citizens are blocking the old one currently.” The man said and his voice sounded distant.

As soon as they arrived home he placed the mirror on the ground in the living room where it couldn’t be accidently broken and then went over into the kitchen where he carried Gilbert onto a chair and started to prepare their dinner.

October 27, 2017

Gilbert also saw what caught Ludwig's attention when they passed by the wrecked old hair salon. A fair mirror with carved golden frame. A nice one, which he actually didn't want to say that it was prettier than the one Ivan, his ex-comrade gave him, but it was indeed fancier. What he didn't expect was for his younger brother to actually barge into the chaos and bring back that mirror with him. Gilbert was half confused, half awed--although a bit heavier than it seemed, the mirror looked even more beautiful close-up on his lap. He touched the neatly carved frame, pale finger trailing the cold metal to the surface where his reflection stayed still. He eyed the man in front of him, the man who looked like him with the lack of ambition and happiness. He couldn't help but feel disgusted. He just realized how thin he had become--Gilbert refused to ask it to their tailor about his new measurement--and it's really frustrating to see how those once lively eyes had turned empty and gloom. How unattractive and ugly, losing his awesomeness.

Frowning, he tried his best to flip back the mirror so there wasn't anything to remind him of his embarrassing defeat that had brought him in misery. Gilbert just remembered this was one of the reasons why right at the end of the war where the other party declared victory, he had asked Ludwig to set away the mirror his Russian friend had given to him. It's so he wouldn't witness how he would slowly lose his pride which once been a glory.

He wanted to tell Ludwig that it was a stupid and ignoble idea to bring back home something which wasn't theirs--although probably the mirror had no owner already after being left in the rampage in the town--and asked him to just leave where it be. But he had no time to complain and his younger brother had pushed the wheelchair, heading back to their house.

There was a tensed atmosphere in the silence of their walk home--something Gilbert denied but existed. They were deep in their own thoughts about who knows. After what felt like days, they finally arrived to the unsuitable shelter they called home.

"Say, Lud," Gilbert asked when he was sat on the dining chair as his brother began his cooking. Being in stillness for a long time made Gilbert's mind run around frantically--back to the ugly thoughts about his appearance. There was a pause, as if he himself wasn't sure if he was actually going to say this, but then continued cautiously, "do you think... Roderich is attractive?"

October 31, 2017

While he was preparing Gilbert’s favourite food he felt like smiling inside for a small moment.

This was the first time since a very long period that they got something good to eat and he took a moment to appreciate that while he was stirring the caper sauce. It made him feel so much better that he wouldn’t bend his knee to Arthur’s and Francis’s humiliating contract any longer and he was motivated to turn their house into a respectable residence again. He knew that Gilbert liked the blue colour of cornflowers so he could make this the colour of his older brother’s room. The younger man was certain that he would like that and that it would make a nice surprise.

The sound of the older male’s voice threw him out of the plans and organisation for renovating the house that he was already making in his head and Ludwig turned around with a genuinely surprised expression on his face looking at his brother who looked even more troubled than before their trip to the market.

It was a question that the blond hadn’t seen coming and he wasn’t sure why Gilbert would ask that all of the sudden. Had he become suspicious or why did he ask him whether he found another male attractive?

“I have never thought about that.” Ludwig answered honestly looking into the red eyes of his brother before he scratched his chin that was covered with the three day beard that had grown giving the question some thought.

He was recalling Roderich in front of his minds eyes. The well combed brown hair, the clear blue eyes, the filigree glasses, the petite and lean figure and the gentle hands that he had deemed better for taking care of his brother’s wounds than his own strong, huge calloused hands.

Roderich had an orderly and appealing look but Ludwig wasn’t attracted to him like he was to Gilbert.

“I think that he obviously isn’t an ugly man saying that would be unfair. He is well groomed.” The blond tried to put his thoughts into words somehow. “But I don’t find him attractive in a sense that I would be drawn to his body.” He explained and then quickly added:”Of course I am not, I mean, I am a man myself.” The blond man was turning back to the pot on the stove plate rather fast so that his brother couldn’t see that this topic made him uncomfortable.

“Why do you ask that?” he wanted to know. “It isn’t important how Roderich looks now is it?” Ludwig had the idea that his brother had asked him that to test him. That he had become suspicious about him but the blond really wanted to spare his older brother that disappointment, he had disappointed him enough already, he didn’t want him to know about his sexual attraction towards men and even less that he desired Gilbert out of them all.

November 17, 2017

Gilbert saw the confusion in his younger brother's face but paid it no mind. His own was dealing with the uncertainty that had been piling up since he saw the reflection of himself on that mirror. Ludwig's answer was something he had expected, actually, the basic and on fact appearance of the high-maintenance guy but still, at this condition, he wasn't really sure how to respond to that. Certainly he knew exactly how unwell he was if compared to the uninjured Austrian, but still Gilbert felt bad.

He shifted his gaze elsewhere but in Ludwig's direction and shrugged. "No, nothing," was his only reply at first. But when Ludwig didn't budge and waited in silence, demanding a clear answer, he continued with a long sigh. "It is important, okay? I mean... When we and him actually unite, there is going to be a commemoration, isn't it?" Feeling rude for staring too hard at his baffled brother, he looked down and traced the modestly-wrapped arm sling. Eventually insecurity had gobbled him up wholly and rose to the surface. "I won't look appropriate with this broken arm and bony figure."

November 19, 2017

The blond turned around to face his older brother again and his face looked even more baffled than before while he watched the Prussian in disbelieve. Hearing that Gilbert apparently felt insecure about his looks and was worried about how he would look in comparison to Roderich was something completely atypical for the white haired male. Ludwig’s brother always appeared confident about himself and it wasn’t like him to doubt himself and worry about looking worse than someone else.

Normally Ludwig was the one who worried that he wasn’t perfect enough and that all he did wasn’t good enough and not Gilbert who always had seemed so satisfied with himself. And not even the blond had ever thought about how he looked like or if someone else looked better than him. He simply didn’t care how people found his looks because it didn’t matter. It was more important what he was doing and whether he was doing it well enough. Sure Ludwig too looked tired and somewhat messed up these days but he knew that it was easy to groom himself properly again and it wasn’t really important how other’s judged his looks. And he would have never gotten the idea of comparing his looks to anyone else’s, what would that gain him anyway?

A slight smile replaced the openly surprised expression on his face. “Idiot!” he said and crossed his arms still holding the ladle in one of his hands. “He won’t be able to outshine you; you don’t have to worry about that. You might have lost some weight but you’ll gain it soon enough again. You’ll also take a proper hot bath and when dressed in your new uniform you will look great and just as well groomed as Roderich.” Ludwig assured his brother even though he didn’t know why he even had to. Gilbert looked incredibly handsome to him even the way he sat on the chair in this very moment. No matter what he was always admirable to the German and the younger man deeply loved him!

He raised an eyebrow and sighed when he said in a strict tone of voice: “Your wounds will heal again and I am sure that they will heal better with better medicine and proper food. Beside that your injuries only show that you’re a brave soldier and that you have fought in battle. I was taught that a man’s scars are something to be proud and not ashamed of and it wasn’t Roderich who taught me that.” Ludwig said with his usual serious face. Wounds and the scars that came from them really weren’t something frowned upon. There even were fencing fraternities that duelled amongst each other and only protected parts of their face what led to them later showing off long scars they had gotten in said duels on their faces.

“I’d also like to remind you that we came to help Roderich and Elizabetha. Not only we’ve lost, he’s lost as well.”

Thinking of Elizabetha he got that negative feeling again, a feeling of dislike that the woman had never done anything to deserve. But especially since Roderich and the Hungarian woman had broken up Ludwig didn’t want her to get near his brother again.

“Talking about Elizabetha, are you still into her?” he asked casually as if it wasn’t really important but had just crossed his mind.

November 20, 2017

Ludwig's uplifting words didn't really take all of the burden off his shoulder but at least it made him feel better. He wasn't fully reassured but taking into account what his little brother said about there was possibility that he would get better, Gilbert calmed down. Though Ludwig's way of cheering him up surely made Gilbert feel a little bit of pride came back into his soul again.

"He won’t be able to outshine you; you don’t have to worry about that."

That drew a tiny smile out of the Prussian's lips--not the usual smug grin but instead a bashful kind of smile. He loved getting praises and compliments but somehow this one coming from someone as serious as the German made it feel so much more than just a word, making it feel so real. And that's what made him happy and proud in a positive way.

Gilbert didn't even try to resist the real fact that differentiated between him and Roderich--the battle wounds--who wasn't severely hurt even though he and Elizabetha had faced the same defeat as he did. The scratches on his face and little burnt skin were ugly still in Gilbert's mind and having to carry along an injured arm which he could do nothing about but rely fully on his brother made him feel miserable. But he wanted to absorb what Ludwig, in his own definition of gentleness, had told him about how battle wounds were proof of being a great soldier. And he wanted to live with it.

He was about to mutter a small and low 'thank you' to the comforting words, when suddenly the other guy turned the topic away to another depressing topic. His old love.

Gilbert waved his good hand and laughed, dryly. "What you saying about, Lud? Of course I don't," answered the Prussian as if it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard--although in fact, he was hoping so much he didn't sound desperate. He wasn't sure about what he was feeling about both Roderich and Elizabetha. They three were once close friends and Gilbert didn't hate them--he did care about them though not really expressing it. He had fallen in love with Elizabetha and was really depressed when she chose Roderich over him--but that was past. The Prussian barely thought about love anymore, actually, he only felt a tad--or more--lonely seeing the two. Like, he also wanted to have a partner whom he could share a sad story with, someone who would be there to cuddle when things got sad, someone he could rely on.

So it's more like Gilbert was envious and although he didn't think he's into her again, there's still a flash of mind to seek for revenge to the two of his old friends for breaking his heart. But no, he's not really going to do that.

November 20, 2017

Ludwig examined the older man closely as he was waving it off a little too quickly and indifferently. He could conclude that there was at least something that bothered the Prussian when the blond had mentioned Elizabetha’s name. But he said he wasn’t into her anymore and the younger man wanted to believe that his brother wouldn’t lie to him if he still had those feelings for Roderich’s ex-wife so he at least deemed it as true that Gilbert wasn’t in love with that woman anymore.

“Good!” the German said with narrow eyes and his strict tone of voice before he turned around to the food again and he hoped that this meant that the Prussian wouldn’t try to pursue her another time now that she was available again. He still felt bad for thinking like this, for wanting his brother to not get a girl. It was egotistical and foul and he should have been a better brother than that but he couldn’t help it.

When he had finished the food he placed both the Königsberger Klopse and the potatoes on the table and then brought plates and silverware for them. The tall man sat down opposite to Gilbert looking into the red eyes of his. “Enjoy your meal!”Ludwig spoke with a nod towards the older brother and started to eat his food. It was the best he had eaten for such a long time and his stomach felt truly happy about it.

The blond ate way too fast and he sure ate a lot of it. Maybe he would even feel replete after that meal for a change. “How is it?” he wanted to know from the older man.

There was so much left to do and he probably wouldn’t get any rest in the next couple of days either. The only break he calculated in was the visit of Roderich the other day and Ludwig hoped that he would be able to get a lot done until then already even if that meant that he would have to work on renovating the house the whole night.

Zeitgeist – Hetalia RP [iaintinnocent&Hideki] (Private)

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