Zeitgeist – Hetalia RP [iaintinnocent&Hideki] (Private)

[-Hideki-]

Ludwig raised an eyebrow when he heard the older one mumbled that this was not what he had meant. The blond turned his head to the other looking at him questioningly. What did he mean it wasn’t what he had meant? He had stated that he was cold, the German had offered a solution. Or did he want to tell him that he didn’t want a solution and had not wanted him to give him his blankets. “Ja, ja, you didn’t ask me to give them to you, I did it because I deem your health more important than mine, keep them. You can have the fur coat too.” He said and was about to put his cup of tea onto the small side table to get out of the coat and giving it to the other too. He didn’t know why, maybe he didn’t want his body to get warm so that the cold inside would become the more dominant and present thing though.

 

When Gilbert spoke again he froze in his movements, keeping the cup of tea in his hands. His eyes widened and his face showed a shocked, surprised and pained expression. Had the other just said he should hug him? Did he really? “No.” He declined the demand. “I really should not do that.” The muscular man said, shaking his head and looking down now. The older male didn’t seem to accept it though as he told him to hug him another time. Ludwig was getting uncomfortable in his skin and he felt as if something was choking his internal organs. His callused hand running over his bearded face. He closed his eyes and opened them again. “I cannot do that, I am sorry.” He said, sighing deeply a deep blush on his pale face. “Gilbert I.... you know that I .... I still have sexual feelings for you.” He confessed feeling sick about himself again for saying that. “I definitely shouldn’t touch you or be physically close to you. I would only make you uncomfortable and it would end up weird and awkward for the both of us. If I could turn those feelings off I would have done so years ago but I can’t.” He explained his eyes looking everywhere except for the Prussian. “I can still offer you the coat though.”

[iaintinnocent]

Gilbert groaned in frustration when his brother turned down his request without even giving it a second thought. Moreover when the blond said that he still had inappropriate feelings towards the older male, Gilbert really wanted to roll his eyes. The Prussian assumed Gilbert was just making up excuses; say, he'd been with that soldier lover of his this whole time before one certain incident that flipped down his world--but still. Ludwig had been in love with other guy and it must be a lie if he claimed that he still wanted Gilbert like what he said three years ago.

 

When he found out his brother was dating that soldier, Gilbert had mixed feeling he himself hadn't been able to analyze before. He felt happy for him, of course, Gilbert was glad his assumption was right about his brother confused his own feelings of loneliness for affection towards his own older sibling. But on the other side, he felt kind of sad, because even though Ludwig had found his meaning in love, his relationship with Gilbert loosened a lot we almost couldn't call it a tie anymore. He spoke as minimum as possible and he never, ever touched him. Not in the sensual way, of course, he's fucking another guy--but even brotherly skin-ship like before? it had been long gone.

 

"No," Gilbert gritted his teeth, being the stubborn guy he was naturally. "I don't need the coat and I don't care. I need you to hug me. Now." His eyes getting red, tears of desperation and anger began to prick in his eyes, making it sting. He turned his head fast, glaring at Ludwig with a pained expression. "Or did you really mean it when you said I'm worthless to you and your troops and that I'm no longer your brother? Is that it, Ludwig? You disposed me--you look at me like," he gasped, trying so hard to hold in tears, "like I'm a useless pile of trash you would not ever, ever touch?!"

[-Hideki-]

A frowning expression appeared on his face when Gilbert reacted stubbornly and said that he just needed to be hugged by him. The frown turned into questioning when he could see pain and anger and tears rising in the older male’s eyes. What followed then made him widen his eyes in surprise and he stared into those red watering eyes of the other when he was having his outburst. So Ludwig had managed to hurt him back after all and the other had taken that to heart. The blond man took a deep breath. “Of course I did not.” He told him. “I said what I have said back then in rage and because I was hurt and I wanted to hurt you as badly as you have hurt me all those years, maybe even without knowing.” He admitted.

 

“One thing I have really meant how I said it though.” Ludwig added. “I never wanted to be your brother; in fact I wish I wasn’t related to you.” A tortured smile appeared on his face as he looked at the angry and sad man next to him. “And I can’t be just your brother or your friend Gilbert, sorry.” The blond said shaking his head. “I wish I could but I can’t and I don’t want back to before I have confessed to you even though I should have never told you in the first place because all those years I was silently hurting inside. And when you turned me down, unable to return my romantic love for you, it was tough but it showed me that I can’t go on like this and I had to get distance between me and you in order to protect myself and my own feelings. As not being close to you is the only way for me to carry on and forget about how strongly I feel for you and how much I desire you and live my life.” He explained and then he snorted cynically. “It’s all fine and well that you need me to hug you and that you want us to get back to the old days again when you are not the one who had been hurt by that relationship for so long. You don’t have any romantic feelings for me so of course you want me as your friend and brother but if I enter this again I will never get what I truly hope and long for, I will only suffer in silence again hating your girl crushes and the whores you fuck. You demanding that I shall hug you and get all friendly and close again though you have turned me down and have made it clear that you don’t feel the same for me and don’t want to be with me like this is egotistical of you as you don’t seem to give a fuck about how I feel when you put me in that friendzone or brotherzone or however you want to call it!” the blond made himself clear.

 

“Have you gotten that now?” he asked. “I love you but I don’t want to be your brother.” Ludwig repeated and continued. “The problem is not that I wouldn’t ever want to touch you or would think lowly of you, the problem is that I put you on a pedestal and want to touch you much more and deeper than you want me to touch you. You are grossed out by the way I want to touch you. But if we hug and cuddle up it will be all the wrong signals and it won’t be enough. I will want more from you.” The man explained. “And tell me, how would it make you feel if you suddenly felt my erection on your back?” he asked laughing painfilled and dryly. “Disgusted? Uneasy? Uncomfortable? Scared? All of that?” Ludwig wanted to know trying to end that discussion about them hugging once and for all.

[iaintinnocent]

“And tell me, how would it make you feel if you suddenly felt my erection on your back?”

 

Gilbert froze.

 

Disgusted? Uneasy? Uncomfortable? Scared? Or a mix of all of them?

 

The Prussian himself didn't know how he would feel. Maybe Ludwig was right that it was pretty egocentric of him to ask something like that. So yes, what if he wanted to be selfish once in a while? Was it so wrong to be wanting to go back to where he was with Ludwig, drinking beer and having fun? What should he do to have it all back?

 

Gilbert was honestly puzzled by now. He couldn't figure out what Ludwig truly felt. Was it possible that he really loved him in romantic way or was he just taking him as a substitution for his dead lover?

Listening to his conflicted minds made Gilbert's head spun. He hadn't eaten anything while stranded in the snow storm, everything mostly frozen in such extreme cold and perhaps the abrupt change of the body temperature shocked his body too. He lolled his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut.

 

"Then if I tell you I'm sick, will you still be against it?"

[-Hideki-]

Baffled Ludwig looked at the Prussian when his only response to all of that was that if he told him he was sick if Ludwig would change his mind. Anger was boiling inside of him as well as disappointment and pain. “That’s all you have to say to this? Rather telling!” he commented. This was prove! Prove that Gilbert didn’t give a shit about Ludwig. About how he was feeling and what was up with him.

The other just saw himself, he had just seen himself all those years. And even now after the blond man had spelled it out for him how it had hurt him and crippled him inside to be with the other like before, the only thing that mattered to him was how to get the blond to do what he wanted no matter if that would throw Ludwig back into the same sorrow and lovesickness he had been in for years. The German even doubted that the other loved him in a platonic way either, if he did he would be more considerate, had been more considerate but he was not.

 

“You aren’t sick Gilbert.” Without looking at the other he was laying his calloused hand on Gilbert’s forehead his face frowning and angry. The man definitely didn’t have a fever. “And you don’t need to play it in order to get me to do what you want. It wouldn’t work.” Ludwig said still not moving his head towards him. “If you were sick I would order you to lay yourself down in that bed.” He pointed at another edge in the room and the one person bed that was there. “Then I would try to do the job of a field medic nursing you back to health only because we currently lack one here.” The blond stated. “But do you know what field medics don’t do with their patients?” he asked. “Right, cuddling! As well as normal brothers over the age of five, they don’t cuddle each other either. And you know who doesn’t cuddle too? Straight friends! So hug your heterosexual arse alone Gilbert or search for a chick outside.” The blond spat it out as it pained him how the other didn’t give a damn about him being his usual egotistical self.

[iaintinnocent]

So it’s real? His feelings for me are real?

 

But I’m seriously feeling unwell,” he added, though not implying anything other than a single information. He was tired trying. If Ludwig was so stern about it, he thought it would be bothersome to try and break through his wall of defense. They’re both just as stubborn as real brothers would share the same blood. He let out another harsh sigh and squeezed his eyes shut. Why did he ask Ludwig to hug him again? Did he really want his touch? Or Did Gilbert only hope he would be able to melt the tension between them by skin-to-skin contact? The more he thought about it, the more hurting his head had become.

 

This would be so much easier if Ludwig didn’t love me at the first place…

 

Or that’s it. That might be the solution. If Gilbert had tried to console him to no avail then it made no difference if Ludwig had hated him instead. Wait, there was a difference. He wouldn’t be hurting like how he claimed he had been since he talked about this taboo love and shit, he’d not have to restrain himself from the sexual frustration towards him. There might only be hatred for Gilbert and said main thought it might be better if Ludwig punched him instead—it might just hurt as much as being frankly ignored if not less. And there Gilbert made up his mind; he just hoped he wouldn’t regret it someday.

 

“I’m sorry,” he started, sitting straight up for a few seconds then hugged his knees, head buried between them. “I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable with all the mindless request. I mean—that’s probably my sick mind talking because I don’t feel good at the moment.” With that he got up, giving Ludwig his share of blanket and taking a small cover with him.

 

He headed toward the bed on the other side of the room, only separated by a thin wall of wooden plate. But before his figure disappeared, he dropped the dangerous bomb he had been securely keeping, only to run his plan and rage the beast within Ludwig. He wanted his little brother to hate him, right?

 

 

“And, Ludwig, I was the one who told Fritz to stay guard in that ruins back then. I thought he was capable of doing it.” He looked down, biting his dry blood-stained lips. “He was a good soldier though, he died a hero for his country.” And with that he left, heart aching as much as he wanted to admit. Gilbert had been feeling so bad about it since then and from now on, not only he’s living with that burden, he would carry along Ludwig’s hatred for indirectly killing his lover.