Say Whatever You Want XXI

[0ddpill]

Man I really can't stand hypocrites.

[Saga]

That path is thorny. But I will take it anyway.

[Rumpleteaser]

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Thanks. I just need somewhere to vent at times. It won't last forever. Just wait, I'll be hypomanic next. XD

[Joyabe]

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Bring it XD I ain't scared of no mood swings... I'm the queen of those XD

[KohakuShadow]

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I was able to do most of the days but then I went on vacation and I wasn't able to finish. I liked that I have to think about doing something creative to fit the prompts. some of my favorite drawings were some of the ones I did during Inktober last year.

 

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You will have to look for it. XD I don't share my work here. >_>

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Well....not really sure how to feel about having to reschedule but at least my dog is happy. heheh.

[rainbowman]

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that's okay. You can message me where to find it? XD I'm looking forward to seeing your works. I do share here sometimes.

[KohakuShadow]

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, I will be happy to send you a link to look at what I do. *smiles*Just keep in mind that my stuff is ok at best. XD

[rainbowman]

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I will be waiting for the link ^^

[crystald]

.

.

 

[KohakuShadow]

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, sent you the link. Enjoy. Haha.

 

Ugh....I have an interview so early tomorrow. What kind of bull plop is that...?

[rainbowman]

Thanks, saw it ^^

 

...

 

The sacrifices you make for the sake of your chidren. And sometimes I think it isn't enough. Being judged by the so called perfect parents around. Can i not live a life of peace? Leave me alone. If not, I might plan a massacre. I'm so angry... Sigh... I just wanna run away from here.

[Ryuu_L]

I'm waiting for Captain Marvel trailer-

 

[Ryuu_L]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSS

it looks incredible!

 

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[Onlymeneko]

How could I hate but also love the same thing at the same time?

[KohakuShadow]

I should have eaten another bagel and gotten some more coffee....now I'm going to be very tired and hungry by the time I get off of work. *sighs* Oh well.

[fan_yaoi]

oh i fell asleep ...just like that.. where am i?....

-o- z z z

[YellowMelon]

I'm dead. I'm literally dead.

 

I have major OCD with writing and these carbon copy pages are KILLING me.

[confidant_v]

Love, love, love!

[Rumpleteaser]

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Okay, you asked for it! This is what I'm thinking at the moment. Spoiler because most people won't want to read some emo girl hating on herself.

 

 

 

Basically I'm stuck in a rut with no idea what to do next. I'm thinking and thinking but so fart nothing has stuck. I'd love to go back to university and do creative writing but I dread assignments and always get into a depressive phase around week 8. I was doing baking at TAFE earlier this year, which was great, but I had to pull out due to insomnia. There's no point going back right now because we're moving in about 8 months so I won't be able to get to the campus. Previously it was close enough to catch a taxi for $11 but that's because it's in the same suburb. I don't have very many skills beyond food. I've worked in green grocers, restaurants and cafes my whole life and even that is intermittent. Having bipolar, insomnia, diabetes and PCOS makes it fucking hard to hold down a job (and vertigo in bouts). Yes, I've even lost a job due to diabetes problems. Can't make coffee if your hands are shaking. I try, I last two months to a year then I crash and burn. I would like to go into reception and business administration or computer work of some sort but I've never had a job in it. I've done a few month or two month long certificates and I have a Bachelor of Science so there are some transferable skills. I've forgotten everything about it though. I couldn't tell you the difference between staphylococcus and streptococcus. The job would have to be nearby too because I can't use the car when my partner is at work, there are only two bus routes in the area and I don't have the fortitude to travel more than 20 minutes by bus. I tried 40 minutes but it was too much.

 

To boot... I have incredibly low self-esteem. I hate myself, seriously. I'm not being dramatic. The only thing I like about myself is my creativity and ability to write. I used to be smart but I've lost that. I have a shit memory, I take forever to learn things and the things I learn never stick. I'm not a good person. I'm friendly and don't judge people but that's about it. I'm short, fat and ugly with a pregnant belly and frizzy hair. I hate the way I look. People judge me for the way I look. I can't do retail jobs because people would rather employ a pretty person to represent their business than a fat kid. I can wear pretty clothes but there is no hiding that huge belly, pudgy face and frizzy hair. I've never been a pretty person and I've always been picked on for my looks. In Queensland I used to get people driving past in cars shouting "YUCK!" or "DOG!". I only look good in photos when I wear a wig and take a fat girl angle shot. I still get a shock when I look in the mirror because I don't feel like the person I look like. I want to have a size 10 (aust sizing) body, not a size 16-18. It doesn't matter how I eat or how I exercise because PCOS prevents weight loss unless you go on some radical, insane diet like keto. Diabetes and keto diets don't mix. I eat healthy, low carb and high protein food but I am lazy as fuck when it comes to exercising. I'm always tired and I hate leaving the house. I used to be agoraphobic but now I just don't like it unless I have someone with me. I'm not vain but life would just be so much easier if I had a "normal" looking body. I'd be more confident, I'd be able to get a job easier and people would be nicer to me.

 

I've given up on so much in life - kids, career, PhD, Geophysics major, dreams. I get up again eventually and find something else to inspire me but I just keep crashing. When is something going to stick? I can't keep thinking of new things to do; I'll run out of ideas eventually. How many times do I have to fall before I get to the top of the mountain and actually stay there? That's what my previous psychologist said. People with bipolar tend to drift through life and need a soft place to fall rather than actually getting any higher in life. I just wish I was good at something. I wish I was useful, functional and stable. I wish I had skills beyond creative writing. I'd love to do computer science and be a computer technician but again, assignments and mid-semester depression. I wish I had the energy and motivation to do as much as everyone else does. I don't know how they do it! I wish I could have kids but as my partner says, I can't even take care of myself. I can't afford to have kids either. I'm barely paying rent. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to afford Christmas presents for everyone. Mum loves big presents and her family are well-to-do so I don't want to disappoint them. I grew up without my mother and her family because she's got paranoid schizophrenia so I'm not close with them. I am constantly afraid they will judge me, even though that's probably just in my head.

 

 

That's about it. I'd better go before the motor registry closes. I gotta hand in my fitness to drive medical certificate.

[asteamingmugoflink]

Pretty sure Tan France is a cryptid.

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is your username a nod to the character from Cats?

[Rumpleteaser]

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Yes, it it. She's my favourite. ^.^ I love how much mischief she causes.

[Onlymeneko]

I hate my self especially when I'm sick

[fan_yaoi]

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Hi there pumking-cutie-super-awsome-donut-star. I have a bit reading problems so i didnt read all in your other post but i read some of it ^^. So, hey, dont worry to much. You are great the way you are and if you wasent they way you are ,..it wouldent be you and so far, i think you seems to be a very nice fun person :D

 

How about you try treat yourself with something. I do that...with lots of coffe ...maaan i spend to much money on takeaway coffe -_________- but , it makes me happy.

 

-

soo my loundry is almost done...i had a bad dinner (noodels) and tomorrow after work, i have to get home, pack my bag to get ready for a mini trip to the city next from where i live over the weekend. Its gonna be nice but eeehhhh im gonna be so tierd after tomorrow. And all i want..is a toast sandwish with cheese >_

[0ddpill]

Man today was funny XD.

[Joyabe]

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Okay, you asked for it! This is what I'm thinking at the moment. Spoiler because most people won't want to read some emo girl hating on herself.

 

 

 

Basically I'm stuck in a rut with no idea what to do next. I'm thinking and thinking but so fart nothing has stuck. I'd love to go back to university and do creative writing but I dread assignments and always get into a depressive phase around week 8. I was doing baking at TAFE earlier this year, which was great, but I had to pull out due to insomnia. There's no point going back right now because we're moving in about 8 months so I won't be able to get to the campus. Previously it was close enough to catch a taxi for $11 but that's because it's in the same suburb. I don't have very many skills beyond food. I've worked in green grocers, restaurants and cafes my whole life and even that is intermittent. Having bipolar, insomnia, diabetes and PCOS makes it fucking hard to hold down a job (and vertigo in bouts). Yes, I've even lost a job due to diabetes problems. Can't make coffee if your hands are shaking. I try, I last two months to a year then I crash and burn. I would like to go into reception and business administration or computer work of some sort but I've never had a job in it. I've done a few month or two month long certificates and I have a Bachelor of Science so there are some transferable skills. I've forgotten everything about it though. I couldn't tell you the difference between staphylococcus and streptococcus. The job would have to be nearby too because I can't use the car when my partner is at work, there are only two bus routes in the area and I don't have the fortitude to travel more than 20 minutes by bus. I tried 40 minutes but it was too much.

 

To boot... I have incredibly low self-esteem. I hate myself, seriously. I'm not being dramatic. The only thing I like about myself is my creativity and ability to write. I used to be smart but I've lost that. I have a shit memory, I take forever to learn things and the things I learn never stick. I'm not a good person. I'm friendly and don't judge people but that's about it. I'm short, fat and ugly with a pregnant belly and frizzy hair. I hate the way I look. People judge me for the way I look. I can't do retail jobs because people would rather employ a pretty person to represent their business than a fat kid. I can wear pretty clothes but there is no hiding that huge belly, pudgy face and frizzy hair. I've never been a pretty person and I've always been picked on for my looks. In Queensland I used to get people driving past in cars shouting "YUCK!" or "DOG!". I only look good in photos when I wear a wig and take a fat girl angle shot. I still get a shock when I look in the mirror because I don't feel like the person I look like. I want to have a size 10 (aust sizing) body, not a size 16-18. It doesn't matter how I eat or how I exercise because PCOS prevents weight loss unless you go on some radical, insane diet like keto. Diabetes and keto diets don't mix. I eat healthy, low carb and high protein food but I am lazy as fuck when it comes to exercising. I'm always tired and I hate leaving the house. I used to be agoraphobic but now I just don't like it unless I have someone with me. I'm not vain but life would just be so much easier if I had a "normal" looking body. I'd be more confident, I'd be able to get a job easier and people would be nicer to me.

 

I've given up on so much in life - kids, career, PhD, Geophysics major, dreams. I get up again eventually and find something else to inspire me but I just keep crashing. When is something going to stick? I can't keep thinking of new things to do; I'll run out of ideas eventually. How many times do I have to fall before I get to the top of the mountain and actually stay there? That's what my previous psychologist said. People with bipolar tend to drift through life and need a soft place to fall rather than actually getting any higher in life. I just wish I was good at something. I wish I was useful, functional and stable. I wish I had skills beyond creative writing. I'd love to do computer science and be a computer technician but again, assignments and mid-semester depression. I wish I had the energy and motivation to do as much as everyone else does. I don't know how they do it! I wish I could have kids but as my partner says, I can't even take care of myself. I can't afford to have kids either. I'm barely paying rent. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to afford Christmas presents for everyone. Mum loves big presents and her family are well-to-do so I don't want to disappoint them. I grew up without my mother and her family because she's got paranoid schizophrenia so I'm not close with them. I am constantly afraid they will judge me, even though that's probably just in my head.

 

 

That's about it. I'd better go before the motor registry closes. I gotta hand in my fitness to drive medical certificate.

 

Hmmm.... well I have a few things to say but I also know some people don't really want to hear other people's opinion, but just let things out (both are fine in my opinion). Anyway if you're not looking for a reply/opinion feel free not to read my reply rant down here haha.

 

 

 

Now, first of all I hope you find some comfort in the fact that everybody, and I mean everybody, go through periods of being stuck in rut. Which doesn't mean it doesn't suck, but, well... at least you're not the only one suffering there. And also the fact that it's exactly that- a period. And it is going to pass.

All of this makes so much more sense in light of the fact you're about to move. I think (or at least that's how I experience it) that around times of change or expected change, when there's less certainty about things, it's easier to feel not so great about a lot of things because there's already some kind of instability or underlying stress. And that's even before you mention people that are just naturally stressed about everything all the time (hi).

 

As for skills and qualifications, it sounds to me (as an outsider reading your own description) like you actually have some seriously varied skills, which is awesome because you can choose in which direction you would like to take them. And if you are one of those people- so many things can be self taught. Thank you god for the internet- it's good for something other than memes and avoiding communication with other people! BTW, same goes for creative writing- there are so many forums for that, even threads here. And other people you can share ideas/discuss/try to find inspiration with (I'm one of them). There are also some really cool challenges and prompts I saw hanging around somewhere out there in the web (if you're interested I can go and look for them ^^).

 

Now as for self esteem... that's a hard one because this is something no one but you can change. I was fat in the past. Never short, but very tall- which comes with its own set of insecurities. All I can tell you is that even though I'm probably not considered all that ugly by traditional beauty standards. It doesn't matter though. In my head I still remained that fat, ugly kid with pimples and braces even though most of it is long gone (the pimples are still here though, especially when I don't need them). I think that only very recently I started to try and look at myself differently. It doesn't mean I'm very successful in doing so, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that so much of it is in your head and has absolutely nothing to do with how you look on the outside. I remember seeing a photo you uploaded here and thinking you looked so adorable- something I will probably never be. So we all kinda want what we're not I guess.

 

Your brain, however, isn't going anywhere my dear. Creativity is also something that comes and goes, but no one can take it away from you. You're in a slump right now, but eventually you'll pull yourself out of there- as long as you decide to do it. And I'm not saying it's an easy task- but I believe you can do it.

 

I would say just take things one step at a time. Recognize the fact you're in a more stressful part of your life right now. Recognize the fact you're dealing with things other people don't, and therefore a lot of your time and energy goes there instead of other places (and trust me, I feel the same about not doing as much as the people around me).

 

I think if there's anything I really want you to take from this very long manifesto up here (which, again, I apologize for) is that we all have our demons. We were all dealt a certain hand in life and our job is to learn how to get the best results with what we have. And as long as you decide that you're pushing through and that you have the will to do that (which I believe you do. What you're expressing seems to me like someone that wants to better their life- you're not ranting because you've given up. You're letting your frustration out because you want something better for yourself) you will.

 

Just know that you're not alone and that it's okay to talk about those things. And that I believe you'll get through this