Say Whatever You Want XXI

[YellowMelon]

Oh dear. I've been getting annoyed a lot recently because I have a friend who always feels the need to say she's stressed everyday. I understand her family situation is currently causing a lot of drama for her, but she's blaming everyone for what she does that isn't acceptable. Nothing is her fault anymore. If she's not doing something right, it can't be her fault, and then, if she tries to do something, and doesn't understand what she's doing, she gives up. I try to help her, but then she tells me she's too salty for me to talk to her YET she still complains how she doesn't understand anything. She needs to acknowledge that she needs help unless she's going to fail, but it still won't be her fault.

[Ryuu_L]

Yawn, where is my coffee and some sweet donut?

[Rumpleteaser]

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Oh gosh. You read that? >..

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I don't know if I wanted a reply. I wasn't expecting someone to read it in the first place but it is nice to have someone to talk through things with.

 

 

True, everyone goes through ruts, even successful people like my Dad. The thing is, I spend as much of my time in a rut as out of it. Every time I get back up again, it only lasts 3 months to a year before I crash again. I'm starting to wonder what's the point?

 

Yeah. This move is stressful. I can't afford the move and I won't be able to afford rent anywhere I go. I'll have to buy furniture and appliances too! My uncle has been saying he's going to knock down for two years now and every time he brings it up and starts moving things around I get anxious. Currently the plan is that he will sell his deceased mother's apartment at the end of the year and use that to finance the rebuild of this derelict dump. He wants us to move back in after the rebuild but I don't want to. He's going to make up all these new rules about keeping the house spotless but he won't lift a finger to do it. I don't want to keep cleaning up after him. I've given up on this place and won't even use the second toilet because of his piss stains. It took me a year or two to get sick of scrubbing them off so now I just don't go there.

 

I don't have any usable skills. I've forgotten almost everything from my degree and I couldn't tell you one thing about MYOB any more. All my employable skills revolve around working in kitchens, coffee making, knowledge of fruit and vege along with cash registers and EFTPOS. I could teach myself something but I don't know what. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go in life. It's basically job, TAFE or online university for me... and possibly volunteer work just to get a foot in the door.

 

Ya. I know a lot about creative writing. I feel the next step to build on that would be to go to university. There isn't much more forums could teach me. As for writing my own novel, I can't for the life of me think of what! I keep drawing blanks. I need someone with me to build the story with and interact with, which is why I love roleplaying (not that I'm doing much of that at the moment T.T).

 

Yeah. I know I'm the only one that can change my self esteem. It's a pain in the arse. I've been in and out of psychiatrists and psychologists since I was about 13. Talking helps vent the emotions and I know ways of dealing with things but that doesn't change the fact I have such a negative opinion of myself. *hugs* Then you get what it's like to be judged by your looks and to be unhappy with your appearance. That photo of me is with a lot of make up and a fat girl angle shot. I don't really look like that at all! I can take a photo of myself at a normal angle but I'm too embarrassed.

 

My brain has faded. Intelligence isn't solid. It can be trained and... the opposite of trained. Use it or lose it. I've lost a lot of what I once had. I used to be fairly smart. I could understand science, understand what people were talking about and knew a lot about how the world worked. I could write essays overnight but now I just stare at a blank page failing to even know whether I actually understand the topic. I can go through a subject thinking I understand it but then when I come to the exam I'm all "oh fuck, I don't know the answer to any of this".

 

Yeah. Dealing with mental illness is like having a full time job already! I do want a better life but I don't know whether I have given up or not. I know it's just a matter of riding the waves and troughs. I just... don't know what to do now. Maybe I'll get through it this time but there is always a next time waiting to derail me. Good things never last long for me. I'm at the point where whenever something good happens, I'm almost preparing for it to fuck up. Even if everything was going well, my body would still throw something else at me like vertigo, depression or insomnia. It's endogenous. It's a chemical imbalance. I have no control over it, I just have to battle through it. It's like Stephen Fry said...

 

It's raining outside. You can't deny that it's raining; you can't stop it from raining. You just have to keep going with your life and accept that the rain will stop. (Paraphrased, not a quote.)

 

[rainbowman]

My tummy hurts so much I can't move a muscle. Damn... I have chores. D; how should I... Man, whatever. I'll clean up tomorrow when I'm feeling better.

[confidant_v]

Is it possible that I'm... Caught up...? Mind you when I catch it up it's not long before more is thrown onto my plate, but at least now I can work on other stuff and try to stay caught up as best as I can.

 

It's been a long week, you guys. Long... Long week.

[Joyabe]

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well talking through things is good! And I LOVE talking so you can always use me for that purpose XD Now, as for the longer, saving it from you (and anyone else) in case you don't feel like getting hit by yet another wall of text...

 

 

 

I still honestly feel from the thing I'm reading that you want to fight back. That you are fighting back. And I truly believe this is the first and most important step in all of this... because without you wanting to do it and fighting for yourself nothing would ever happen. Sometimes we need help or support to get there (lord knows I do so many times) but it has to come with the willpower and drive to help yourself (because as cliche as it is, you can't help people that don't want to help themselves).

 

And you know what? Just the fact you're not giving up is HUGE. It's so much easier just giving up- but you're not willing to do it! YOU GO GIRL!

 

It honestly sounds to me like you're just kinda faced with a slightly complicated time right now, when you have to deal with searching and pushing through and the unknown and all of that loveliness all together. Which sucks. But just... and I know this is the most annoying thing I can say,but give things time. I think that even if you can't really see it you're going through a process right now. And you're going to come out the other side stronger and smarter.

 

You need to search to find what you want to do and that's fine. Honestly I think it's better than settling for something just because. You'll get there... I'm in a similar place and it's annoying and scary but I have to believe that the right thing would come along. And that I'll know it did when it would.

 

Also I don't know what are the options where you live, but over here I know there are Universities and Colleges offering creative writing workshops that aren't like exams, assignments and all the stressing shenanigans. There are also some of those workshops at private businesses but they are obviously more expensive... I wonder if you have one of those options because they do sound like a good solution. And from a very non-pro pov (and it might sound like complete nonsense) I sometimes find it easier to write when I'm having writers block when I'm physically writing (like old school pen and paper). I don't know why but I find it that more ideas pop up when I do and I also feel more free to just write whatever I want.. it even has a certain therapeutic quality to it for me ^^"

 

And for the record- nobody looks good in photos taken from unflattering angels. Not even models. 90% of the game is knowing your angles... and also having a photogenic day if you're not one of the lucky few that always good look like in every photo they take -_-

 

Also, here's some confidence inspo:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ryuu_L]

I have a monster in my room. When I wake up in the morning, I have mosquito/spider bites and stings everywhere T_T

[Onlymeneko]

OMG. I hate mosquitoes. On rainy days, they are so big and scary. Thank God, I've never been got bitten by spider.

[KohakuShadow]

I think I finally recovered from this week. Ugh, what a pain.....

[glesh]

Hiiiii~~ i miss this forum so much! It's almost a year, i think, that i haven't visited this site~ I'm too busy with some stuff in the real world lol and too stressed as well *sigh* how i wish i just live in anime or manga world and i got to see or imagine my favorite characters doing "stuffs" >////

[Matti_19]

Does a weekend day still have 24h? Feels like half of it..

[YellowMelon]

A month doesn't end soon enough. I'm always tired of a month after 2 weeks into it (yes, I find every month to be too long, even February).

[Joyabe]

I don't like deadlines. They're even worse when you're a chronic procrastinator.

 

I think I've reached new levels of stress >_

[batista]

One is done.... two others to go and then i will finally start with the blog

[fan_yaoi]

oh that sounds intresting

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is trying to find nice smoothies and a way to eat more beans -_-.... i dont like beans

[batista]

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yaoi

this blog is something i am looking forward to do a long time now:Playing:... but other things have priority at the moment

 

have you tried the grean smoothies yet? and tell me about the recipes you've found

[KohakuShadow]

Feels good to draw again. it soothes my soul.

[Ryuu_L]

HELLO AUTUMN

 

[Miss RED]

I swear my brother is such a drama queen -__-

[batista]

I want my weekly pajama day back! I need you and miss you :Sleepy:

 

One day where I don’t have any obligations, don’t have to dress up, comb my hair or take a shower... just staying in bed and role out when I feel like it.

[Namako]

is trying to find nice smoothies and a way to eat more beans -_-.... i dont like beans

do you like peanuts or peas? they are from the same family as beans and have similar nutritional values, so you could start with these

there are plenty of delicious recipes with beans, tho

[fan_yaoi]

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...beans in smoothie o.O ..hmmm now that sounds..weird but intresting. A bean-smoothie..or a smoothie-bean... intresting.

[confidant_v]

I think someone is doing construction in the apartment next door but there is so much noise going on over there! I'm probably gonna leave and go to work, but I was hoping to work a bit from home before I went in >.

[Rumpleteaser]

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For some reason I didn't get the mention. Odd.

 

 

I don't really know if I want to fight back or not. I'm not doing it at the moment. I spend my days doing nothing at the moment. I barely even have the emotional energy to leave the house or get out of bed. I have Oz Comic-Con this weekend and I'm seriously thinking about selling my ticket so I don't feel the need to go. I'm not doing anything at the moment. It's shameful and I hate myself for it but I really just don't want to do life right now. I'm sort of just waiting for the slump to end. It's only one step better than giving up, really.

 

For now, I'm planning to get a job when I come back from visiting my family at Christmas. I have no idea what I'll do. I just have to do something or I'll continue to rot. I don't know what I'll do, just any job will do for now. It's not like I'm going to keep it more than a few months because I'll probably have to move to another suburb mid-year. I'm really not looking forward to that. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for furniture and appliances. I couldn't even afford rent this month and it'll double when I move out! (I still owe $15.)

 

*hugs* I'm sorry you're in a similar place. I am happy to talk with you if you need it.

 

There are degrees you can do 100% online but they still have assessments like weekly forums, essays, online quizzes and assignments. It means if I'm having a shit day I don't have to leave the house but I've tried online before and still got mid-semester anxiety and assignment stress. I want to do a creative writing degree but I don't know how far I can stretch my student debt before it cuts off and I don't know if I can even handle it. I fucked up majorly in my last attempt at a degree. I didn't pass one course in three years! It's not that I didn't try or that I was lazy. It's all these fucking health complications getting in the way. Sorry about the language. >.

 

Yeah. I don't look good from any angle except FGAS. I mean, how many people get people driving past shouting "YUCK" or "DOG"? I am ugly and I am obese. Nothing's going to change that. It's just the hand I've been dealt.

 

[Onlymeneko]

Another bad day in a week