Toxic Love (shisu-chan & confidant_v)

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya shifted lightly on the bed and chuckled, "Not my fault. I am very popular and I've been alive longer than most of the people on this planet. Can't say I haven't grown some wealth over the years." He nuzzled into Kasens hair closing his eyes as he just smelled his scent. The comment about him being a vampire made him chuckle, "Well I am a vampire Kasen sometimes its ingrained in us." he shrugged and got more settled in as Kasen started to get comfortable for the night. He knew that he didn't want to sleep but Shinya wasn't going to keep him awake if he decided to sleep. Sure the vampire would wake him up if he was having a horrible nightmare but he wasn't going to wake him up otherwsie. He needed his rest and the vampire knew this.

 

As Kasen started to slowly fall asleep he gently ran his hands through his hair, "I'll wake you if you start to dream love...don't worry so much. You're safe with me." He pulled the other closer noticing he was already passed out either way. Life was rough but they got through it. The nights were the worst when the memories came back to haunt them but together they were able to heal and slowly but surely the nights got a little quieter.

 

***

 

A month had passed and Shinya had been dodging clients left and right. The time to confront his boss was getting closer and closer for he could only keep them off his back for so long before they came after him. Other than the constant buzzing of his phone life had been relatively quiet yet still stressful. Without the release of his sexual frustrations Shinya was grouchy sometimes when it came to certain things. They sometimes fought over the stupidest things and Shinya would have to apologize for his attitude so that Kasen didn't feel like it was his fault. Which it wasn't, shinya understood and he didn't want to push his demon into anything he didn't want to do.

 

They had a routine, they would cook breakfast lunch and dinner together while lounging around and just talking or sleeping or watching tv. Today it was tv and they were curled up on the couch together just trying not to think of the world outside their little safe house. Kasens voice shocked Shinya out of his concentration on the tv and his eyebrows pushed together in a confused line. As his demon curled up harder into him the vampire hugged him close, "Kasen you're not a burden...don't say that." He said softly looking down at the other a moment before sighing. It didn't matter what he said Kasen was going to think what he wanted to think.

 

Shinya shook his head gently and smiled softly, "Don't apologize for something you cant control Kasen. I'm in no rush to push you where you don't wan to go. You're not a burden to me.." He leaned down into the kiss on his cheek enjoying the light physical contact between the two of them that was scarce now adays. He shifted himself as he watched Kasen move to his knees, looking up at him as he started to talk. He wanted to instantly argue with him that he was doing just fine without sex but truth be told he was stressed out and holding Kasen would have made him feel better. The vampire noticed the others voice was thick with emotion and he felt bad for even wanting sex from him while he was healing from his rape.

 

He leaned into him and lightly hugged him softly as he talked. He felt the other pull away slightly and lean down into him, a soft sigh left Shinya's lips as they were caressed ever so slightly with Kasens. He blinked up to him a moment and then smiled softly, "Listen Kasen...I still want to touch you. I don't think you're disgusting. I'm not going to push you into anything you're not ready for. I'll wait for you just like I have been all this time." He ran a hand into the others hair brushing it away from his face. "You're not useless you just need time. There are other ways for me to get out my stress and frustration than sleeping with you. I love you Kasen and don't get me wrong I would love to touch you but...I also know no one can rush this type of healing process." He shifted a little and pulled Kasen onto his lap and smiled gently.

 

"Listen to me. You're not a burden, you're not useless, and I don't need sex from you Kasen. I can wait till you're absolutely sure you want to...this look of uncertainty passing through your face right now tells me you're not really sure if you can...I would rather wait and be able to than have to stop half way because you don't see me anymore." He rested his head on the others shoulder. His arms wrapped around his waist and he just held him, "This is fine for now...if it's all I can have then it's fine." He knew that this was going to have to be enough. Kasen had hardly wanted to kiss him in the month before this that he knew all too well that his lover wasn't ready to do much else.

 

This was fine...he would have to go back to work eventually and his boss would have a punishment waiting for him. He knew all too well that he was going to be used and abused for his month long vacation and they were probably going to use Kasen as leverage. This of course was a problem and he knew that he would have to go alone or Kasen would have to watch him being...well watch him do his job. He knew Kasen knew what he did with his clients but he never saw Shinya in a bottom stance that it would be strange for him. To watch his powerful vampire being used and abused by other men. He didn't want him to have to sit through that so he wanted so badly to just take the pain away, to make sure he was safe. To keep him locked away from all the hurt in the world. It didn't matter what he wanted long as Kasen was alright.

[confidant_v]

Shinya’s words were comforting, but hardly did much to quell the torrent of emotions that had built up inside of Kasen within the past month. Even if it had he couldn’t stop the shaking feeling that what they had endured wasn’t even the most difficult part of their journey together. Rougher waters than this lay ahead and Kasen was unsure he could make it through. He felt like he was teetering on the edge of insanity, and every single day was a struggle to stay grounded. Of course he wanted to believe that it was all over, but Shinya hadn’t given him that reassurance. It would be unwise to not follow his instincts in this case. If he was going to handle whatever was going to be thrown at him, then he needed to get his act together now.

 

“I feel like we don’t have a choice but to rush, Shinya,” he said quietly, his eyes wide as he stared into the other’s. “I feel… So uneasy. There’s so much more dark times ahead of us. I can feel it, Shinya. I can feel it every single day. I don’t know how I can help you if I can’t heal right here and now. I’m useless and scared and… I just want to go back to normal, Shinya. But that’s not possible.”

 

Kasen sighed as he rested his head on Shinya’s chest. He wondered if he should tell Shinya about his premonitions of their unfortunate future. It wasn’t like anything was improving between them. “We fight a lot more now, don’t we? Sometimes I push you away from me when we sleep beside one another. I tremble when you touch me. I mean… I’ve improved a lot since that day. I can hold you like this and I’ll let you hold me too, but I still get startled at night or when you come up behind me and touch me.” He laughed to himself, shaking his head. “I never thought someone like myself would suffer through trauma like this. When I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself. How do I get back to how I was before, Shinya? The person I am now isn’t the person you fell in love with.”

 

He wanted to get back to that obnoxious, selfish, arrogant, possessive person he was. He wanted to collect reptiles and bugs and creepy things that people thought were so gross and weird. He wanted him and Shinya to be happy again.

 

“Kiss me, Shinya.” He said suddenly. “Kiss me like you used to.” He stared a the other, his eyes both exhausted and passionate. “If I need you to stop I’ll tell you. Otherwise… Just keep going. Just kiss me like you did when… When I was myself. When I was Kasen.”

[Shisu-Chan00]

Shinya knew all too well that the words he had said weren't going to soothe the pain that was building between the two of them. He did know that it was a shot and he couldn't lie to Kasen so it was the best he could have done right now. He wasn't going to tell Kasen something that was only going to not come true,it wouldn't be fair for Kasen. The words spilling from Kasen were like pain shoving through his chest and he wanted to pull away, to tell him everything was going to be okay but it wasn't going to work. He couldn't...instead he just listened to the thought that their lives were going to get rough. As much as he wanted to say that they were going to be okay he knew all too well that they weren't. His boss was going to use him till he got his fill of the contract and the pay out was more pricey than just working for him. Shinya didn't want to tell Kasen of the worries he had for the furture and he didn't want to worry him with the thought that those men may be there. He couldn't do it to him and he wouldn't, unable to bring back that trauma.

 

As he laid his head down on his chest Shinya sighed softly and leaned his head back on the couch trying to relax. He ran a hand through his hair only for it to stop instantly as Kasen started to talk once more. He shifted uncomfortably trying to not agree with Kasen but it was true. They did fight more, they did have problems with their relationships because of this but Shinya wasnt going to say it was Kasen's fault. It wasn't, it wasn't like he had asked to be raped. AAs the last words fell off his lips Shinya couldn't hold back the sigh that left his lips, "Kasen...I love you as you are now and then. I can't just love you when you're on your good days..." he said softly and shifted a little.

 

The sudden request shocked him and he looked over to him, searching his eyes a moment. "Kasen..." he started and looked into his lovers eyes and nodded lightly. "Okay...Don't be afraid to say something...I know you're not ready for this but I'll do it since you asked..." he leaned over to kasen gently running his thumb over his cheek. "Just don't look disgusted at me if you can't keep going...it's one of the hardest things to swallow.." he leaned into him, lightly pulling theo thers face into his own. His head tilted to the side and he kissed him, gently at first as if he was scared Kasen was going to break. He didn't want to ruin anything, didn't want to see that scared expression on his boyfriends face. He didn't want to feel like he was doing something wrong...when all he was doing was trying to love him. His tongue gently ran along the others bottom lip, asking for entrance rather than just taking it. Of course he couldn't kiss Kasen like he could before all this, as much as he wanted to it wasn't that easy. Had he forced himself on Kasen like he was used to there would have been a problem. They could take it slow, a kiss was better than nothing and Shinya felt a light spark of something he hadn't felt in a long time. It awakened in his soul as if it had been asleep for a very long time. He welcomed it, a light sigh escaping his lips as he pulled him closer.