The Lewd Beauty And The Grump [Rin&Hideki] (Private)

[♠[Rin]♠]

This reminded him of when Rex had found out who he was back at the disco. An iconic moment, really, though it had happened often in his life before. You are that one celebrity who used to sell CDs to Europe even, they would say. But honestly, it wasn’t as bad as it sounded. Sure, it has bothered him at the start, but there wasn’t really space for caring for other people’s opinions as he had bathed in self-pity for years. Being a normal person like the time before his career, which he hardly remembered at this point, was really satisfying. Of course, sometimes it was also devastating since it made him look back to all that he had had and lost, then again, it had been his own fault. He was convinced of that.

 

Rex took every word in that he told him and for a moment Daniel was afraid of what his boyfriend might think of him. A coward, at the very least, he thought, but he was taught different. Rex didn’t react harshly or judging at all, he even gave Daniel advice that he knew was good for him but found hard to follow. His own ideas and his own needs were oftentimes not as important and needed to be approved of. He was trying his best to cover those insecurities, but he understood that there was little use in hiding them before Rex and frankly, Rex was right. He really needed to work on himself. Rex also came up with a few suggestions on how to work on the correlation between social events and Daniel’s urge to drink. And Rex telling him not to search for excuses automatically made the corners of his mouth lift into a smile. “Damn, you caught me there.” The idea about singing at Harrison’s sounded relaxing as he listened to the descriptions given, even though he still felt a knot tightening in his chest at the thought of it. Nonetheless, he chuckled, amused. “Too drunk to even notice? Sounds like a plan.” He tried not to hope for acknowledgement, even though deep inside he knew that he still was, and maybe that was one of the traits about his personality that would never change. Thinking about it, it didn’t have to change, no, a simple improvement would do just fine. Daniel smirked slightly when Rex said that they would start with board games, and Daniel couldn’t resist but answer, “That sounds good. But if it’s a battle royale, be prepared to lose.” He had played countless different games, from Shogi to Nine Men’s Morris to Poker, and when it came to that, he was confident.

 

Rex told him that his response to the question about where he would want to be fit him and Daniel saw where that was coming from. That said, Rex didn’t have a luxurious and expensive hotel in mind at all. Instead, he told Daniela about the time in Hallig where he had gone with Sebastian and experienced an unbelievable storm. As expected, he had been the only one enjoying it, but Rex’s weird love for storms was becoming more and more endearing. Daniel reached over and placed his hand on Rex’s thigh affectionately, slightly brushing over the fabric of his trousers with his thumb. “It sounds fascinating, that’s for sure. But have you ever seen a storm so strong that a few crocodiles had come into the city?” he asked. “Good old Florida.”

Furthermore, Rex expressed his thoughts that he would live on the Hallig if he had the chance. “Well, learning another language isn’t a hindrance, at least in my book,” Daniel said. “And territory… Yeah, just leaving the country like that wouldn’t be easy. I haven’t ever thought about staying at the same place all the time. I guess that comes from growing up in a Hotel, but there was never a place that I truly called home or ‘felt home in’ as people say. Living at the brothel was devastating, then again, work is work. But travelling and seeing things for yourself instead of hearing stories about them is so much more… How to say? It’s just amazing. The difference between New York and Mexico or Cleveland and Massachusetts for example. Or internationally speaking, France and Spain, Portugal and Switzerland. All those sights you can see for yourself, the differences in temperature and nature, and the food! When it comes to food, I am definitely in.” (Ich auch, weil ich bin am Verhungern grad, aber das Essen ist noch im Ofen.) At this point, it was gloomy and grim out on the highway. A few cars passed by on the other lanes, but those went almost unnoticed. The low country music and the soft purring of the car worked together well in this night scene. The headlights cut through the darkness effortlessly, bathing every sign that they passed in light for a few seconds before they rushed by and blurred back into the dark behind. Looking into the rear mirror was like looking into an endless void and it made the scene seem timeless and, for the next few hours that were still ahead, worriless. Even though their destination was not a happy one, it was better being together than waiting at home for Rex to return. Daniel glimpsed at the former general briefly and within a single blink looked back ahead on the road. His heart started pounding in his chest and he could feel colour rushing into his cheeks. He was lucky that it was dark. Obviously, even after they had had sex, he still didn’t have the courage to stare at Rex properly. Not that there was a proper way to stare at someone because staring was rude, but Rex was still unbelievably handsome to him and sometimes it was hard not to look for longer than it was appropriate. He was certain that Rex didn’t mind, after all he had eyed Daniel’s body as well, though that didn’t help him for some reason.

 

“What are your favourite country songs?” Daniel asked in the midst of thinking. Rex had said to ‘just play and sing a random country song everyone knew’. That itself didn’t sound hard and he himself had a few favourites like ‘Whiskey Glasses,’ ‘Strawberry Wine,’ ‘Friends in Low Places’ and of course ‘Take me home, Country Roads’. “I used to sing Strawberry Wine a lot with Monique after it had come out. 1996 was it, I think. Very dramatic song though,” he admitted, but they both already knew that their tastes in music was drastically different. However, no matter how far apart some people’s style of music was, there were always certain songs that everyone enjoyed. Most of those were generic songs that pleased most senses with simple sound waves; simple tones, so to speak. “Then again, are you someone who listens to music a lot? Because you don’t seem like it.” He hadn’t been in Rex’s apartment which was the only way he would be able to judge if Rex liked music in general or kept his distance. There were many people who liked quiet more. The younger generation had practically grown up with music all around them non-stop and it was scientifically proven that some people grew accustomed to music so much that they needed a certain amount of it during their day. But no, Rex didn’t look like someone who would enjoy listening to music, may it be with or without vocals, while working. “It’s always interesting to see how people react to specific music genres. If they dislike them, like them, get passionate or find them relaxing or even disturbing. Maybe that’s just because I dedicated most of my life to music and didn’t really have any other passion, but when you know what you are doing, you can trigger certain reactions out of people with an instrument as simple as a piano or an E-Guitar. He had wondered if he would ever pick up a new hobby that would grow as big as making music, but he had more than once concluded that he most likely wouldn’t. He had had and dropped countless hobbies in his teenage years hence why he was so certain that nothing else was as relaxing and fascinating as composing and singing. “Apart from running into storms like an absolute madman,” Daniel said, joking about the madman part, “did you have any other hobbies when you were young? I understand if your work in the services ate up most of your time though.” He himself liked to think that next to his job as a performer and singer he never would have had time for a new hobby, but the truth was that he had had enough time to drink and take drugs, so he was certain that his equation didn’t add up there. “And right now,” he continued, “would you pick up any other hobby than working out, taking care of Roger and living at Harrison’s bar?” He paused and looked to the side for a moment, then added, “You know, now that I’ve said it out loud, all that kinda sounds like a handful on its own…”

[-Hideki-]

The idea to start slow with the board games instead of a performance at Harrison’s was well received by Daniel who announced that Hutson needed to be prepared to lose implying that he was unbeatable at board games. That unexpected boasting coming from the brunette made the former soldier grin widely. “It depends on the game. We’ll see.” the blond commented. When it came to card games or the average games that depended on luck, Rex had never much cared about winning or losing them nor had he been specifically lucky with those. The military man however was particularly good at strategy and tactical games such as chess, go, draughts and of course battleship.

 

Being asked if he had ever seen a storm that bad that crocodiles had appeared in a city he was pausing and thinking. “I have seen many different kind of storms on different territories some of which had an unspeakable destructive force. However I have not witnessed one in a city where it had been possible that a crocodile would suddenly walk down the shopping promenade.” he told the other.

 

“Growing up I had my fair share of contact with alligators though which is different but similar.” he told his boyfriend. “We have even found some in our back yard some times.” Rex said. “But I didn’t live in a city. My family owns a large property in a village in Mississippi that’s really close to nature.” he explained. “My father also was of the opinion that learning to handle, hunt and defeat alligators was an important skill to have for every guy. If you can’t wrestle a Mississippi alligator and win you’re not worthy of being his son.” the man remembered showing a wide smirk, laughing at the memory, almost fond of it, as though this was something everyone could absolutely relate to when they were thinking about how they had been brought up. “There even is a town called Alligator in my state.” he informed Daniel with a smile.

 

“That’s true.” Rex agreed when the other said that learning a foreign language wasn’t a hindrance. “Learning a language isn’t the hindrance. I speak Russian, Arabic and German and while I am not saying that I liked to learn them or that I was good at it I had to learn them during my career and thankfully had a lot of help from Sebastian.” the blond man let his boyfriend know. “It’s just that I want to live among my own people who speak my language. I wouldn’t want to live somewhere surrounded by foreigners who spoke foreign languages and I wouldn’t like to be the foreigner where I lived either.” Hutson explained his perception to Daniel.

 

When the other male talked about how he had never felt at home anywhere or had never thought about ever staying at one place this baffled Rex who was the exact opposite as he couldn’t imagine to not feeling attached to and to not identify strongly with his homeland.

 

“Have you never wanted to have a place that was your home? That you felt you belonged to?” Rex asked sounding rather sorry for the brunette. “A place where everything resonates with you, that you know you are from, where you know every stone, tree and lake, the animals that are around, where you have grown up, where the air, the nature, your house, everything smells familiar and where every place is connected to you as a person and a memory. Where the people share your culture, your costumes, your dialect and where the populace has a grown history together?” the former Major General wanted to know drifting more and more into his state’s dialect before he was doing something he usually didn’t do as he talked about his feelings without being made to.

 

“I miss it! I miss my home! I wish I’d never had to leave! I wish I could have lived in my home town together with Sebastian!” the blond admitted. “I was already opposed to only moving to Jackson!” he let Daniel know, chuckling. “But Sebastian and I, we couldn’t keep up the hiding game and we knew we’d be in trouble if they figured out that we were a gay couple. We wouldn’t have been able to live there anymore in peace.” he told him. “But Jackson was one thing, it was still home, still Mississippi, you know.” Rex said. “But I don’t feel at home where I am now. It’s still my nation but it doesn’t quite feel like it if you know what I mean. I actually think that not even the Northerners who live there feel at home there anymore. I don’t think anyone can! The entire identity and shared culture aspect of the place seems to not exist there! If I would live on a Hallig I’d at least know why there would be a disconnect because I was a foreigner but in that city you are a foreigner in your own nation and that is just messed up.” the blond man explained himself.

 

He sighed when Daniel described how interesting the contrast between different places was. “I have seen many places. And not the ones staged by the tourism industry or a fancy hotel for celebrities, no, the real deal!” Rex stated. “While nature is astonishing and there is a lot of great architecture all over the world most nations on this planet are dumps, absolute hellholes due to how they are governed and how their ideologies that form their current cultures are and those places aren’t worth the risk for civilians to go there and I wish certain types of tourists would understand it because if they would and kept their arses in the civilised world such as the US, Europe even Canada less soldiers had to risk their lives saving them and getting them out of the hands of terrorists and corrupt dictators.” the soldier spoke and it appeared he spoke out of experience. “Whenever I sat in those shitholes what kept me going was the thought of home! That I was there to protect my home, my nation and my people and their freedom. If it had not been for that I’d not have spend a single second there.”

 

After that conversation a moment of silence followed and it felt as though something heavy was sitting on the former soldier’s chest. Thinking about those places brought back feelings and memories many of which weren’t that easy to digest. But the more the storm they had left behind was catching up to them the more he got back into the here and now, the more earthed he felt and the more he relaxed and enjoyed driving again.

 

He wasn’t so sure how long the silence lingered and the only thing that was to hear was the stormy weather outside and the country music playing in the background when Daniel finally asked him what his favourite country songs were. Surprised he looked to the side to where his boyfriend was sitting and then thought about it. He hadn’t ever thought about which his favourite songs were and he wasn’t so sure whether he had some. What songs he liked to listen to the most strongly depended on the situation, the atmosphere and the mindset he was in. However there maybe was an artist whom the man had always loved.

 

“I really like Dolly Parton’s music.” he told Daniel. “‘Comin’ for to Carry Me Home’ might as well be one of my favourite songs. And ‘River of Happiness’!” he answered. “My mum often listened to ‘River of Happiness’ and sang along in the kitchen while backing and cooking and the food always smelled great. I usually was playing in the garden and heard the song play and my mum sing before she’d tell me that dinner was ready.” The blond remembered.

 

What he didn’t say was that the last times he had listened to Dolly Parton he had listened to songs like ‘Just When I Needed You Most’ or ‘I Will Always Love You’ in his living room ending up punching the table in half and drinking himself into oblivion.

 

At first he found the question as to whether he liked to listen to music a lot because he didn’t seem like it weird and then he shrugged. “I do listen to quite some music, yes. I like to listen to music in the gym or when I am walking or driving.” he stated. “And when you are stationed in some dump, fighting, you want to listen to the tunes that are connected to your home. I always liked country and folk music, it’s like the spirit of a place and culture captured in sound.” he explained. “Whenever I got homesick, I would listen to the songs that reminded me of my home.” Rex said.

 

“So, yes I do like music. I just don’t like modern pop music and I don’t acknowledge horse dung like hip hop, rap and how is that other new garbage called, trap? and the like as music.” he let Daniel know.

 

When he heard that Daniel found it interesting how different folks reacted to different music genres he looked to the side into the green eyes. “What does it tell you though? What would you conclude from me liking country music and loathing bullshit like rap, hip hop, r&b and trap?” he was curious to know.

 

“Of course.” Rex answered when he was asked whether he had had other hobbies as a young man than chasing and photographing storms. “Hunting, camping, fishing, hiking, things like those.” he told Daniel. “I also liked working on engines, cars, tanks, weapons. I collected models of historic tanks and aeroplanes.” the man added.

 

“And when I moved to Jackson with Sebastian and I couldn’t do the entire outdoor thing anymore I started carpentering.” the blond told Daniel. “I really liked to create useful stuff out of raw material such as wood. It was highly relaxing.” the former soldier found, remembering the smell of the wood and how he had created something from scratch while drinking whisky and listening to some music in the background.

 

The man grinned to himself as he could basically see the large living room in their apartment in Jackson with the furniture put aside and the floor covered with a tarp where Rex had spread out the materials and had placed the toolbox. It had been less than ideal, it had also been obvious that he hadn’t been someone made to live in the city centre and he remembered how Sebastian had always asked him if he had been for real right now, had rolled his eyes and had disappeared into the bedroom to read a book, watch TV or paint something while Hutson had occupied the living room, being pissed about the blond but only until he had seen what Rex had built for him or for them.

 

Since Sebastian had been murdered he hadn’t built a single item anymore though, he hadn’t done any outdoor activity nor had he created model tanks because everything had lost its worth and meaning and had felt incredibly pointless to him.

 

His boyfriend wanted to know whether he would consider picking up another hobby than the gym, taking care of raging Roger and hanging out at Harrison’s and Rex was a little confused by the question. “Those aren’t my hobbies.” he stated. The blond went to the gym because he felt like he had to and he’d probably go insane if he wouldn’t because there was nowhere else to work out, no forest, no alligators to wrestle, nothing, he tried to help Roger for a reason he didn’t quite understand himself because the guy often seemed like a hopeless case and he went to Harrison’s …..

 

…. He went to Harrison’s because it was the home he had lost! While Daniel had said that he had never felt attached to a place and thus it didn’t matter where he lived Rex was the polar opposite of this. When he had come to the city, a city he had never liked on top of that, the first thing he had searched for had been a piece of his home state in this city and thus he had gravitated extremely towards Harrison’s. Harrison wasn’t only from Mississippi too, it also had his home states flags, the costumers were types of people he knew from back home as well and the entire bar looked as though it had been cut out of a small-town in Mississippi and had been pasted right into that awful district in that metropolitan area. One could say that the only place in that damn city the man liked was this one bar!

 

“I never saw a point in picking up any old or new hobbies again. I haven’t even thought about it yet. It never seemed like an option that I would do so.” he realised while he answered. “Those things had just suddenly seemed dull and meaningless and the idea of me partaking in ….” he searched for a word to described what it had been and while he thought about this he noticed what it had been and when he spoke the words he frowned and looked quite thoughtful. “… amusement and fun, it made me physically sick.”

Why? The question was why! Because Sebastian had been dead and thus he should have been dead as well. Without Sebastian he shouldn’t have continued to exist! He had failed to protect the best man in the world, the person who had made his life worth living and there was no way to ever enjoy something again and even if there was, he didn’t deserve it, now did he?

 

The frown got deeper and deeper before he shook his head trying to shake them off. “Hobbies!” he reminded himself what they had talked about by saying it out loud. “Did you have any other hobbies than music? Anything you’d like to try doing in your life?” he asked.

 

They left Virginia behind and reached North Carolina when the Morning was slowly starting to dawn. “You said you have never thought about living at one place before but if you think about it now is it something that would have any appeal to you at all? To settle down somewhere and find a home?” Rex was interested in learning.

 

“And if you imagine it, how would you imagine that home?” he couldn’t help his curiosity.

[♠[Rin]♠]

A gentle grin escaped Daniel when he heard Rex say that he had indeed seen insane storms in different territories and yet he had never seen a crocodile walking down the shopping promenade. “You know, Florida is hell, but it’s an amusing hell at times. When you are used to a lot of nonsensical things happening around you, you kinda develop a tolerance for it. It makes insane things sound a little less insane.”

However, the topic changed from crocodiles to actual alligator wrestling, and although Rex was visibly enjoying himself as he talked about his memories, Daniel’s eyebrows were up high. He couldn’t even imagine fighting an alligator. He couldn’t even see himself fighting anything bigger than a dog. Why did it still surprise him to hear about all the differences between him and Rex? It really shouldn’t and yet here he sat, impressed to the bone and slightly concerned for Rex’s mentality after hearing his father’s ideologies. He didn’t even have an answer ready. How did one react to that? Was there an appropriate reaction? “Hey, I am just glad you won the wrestling,” he finally said and placed his hand on Rex’s on the gearstick. “Can’t imagine it at all, really. It sounds so surreal, but your life was so different from mine that it makes total sense. It’s exciting to hear it, actually.” He stroked over Rex’s fingers with his thumb, then retracted his hand. “The US are huge. Some states really are different worlds.” He was just glad that things like alligator wrestling hadn’t traumatized Rex and that he could look back on it fondly. That was all that mattered in the end.

 

On the other hand, the following topic was once again something where their opinions didn’t link at all. Rex explained that he rather lived surrounded by his own people who spoke his language, and even though Daniel couldn’t see that point at all, he took it unconditionally. The thrill of being somewhere where not even his first language was the go-to language was a good one, a feeling of freedom; and surprises around every corner. Travelling gave him something he could never feel within the US, something so unique. Spain, France, Norway and more had been such great places to visit and experience, but his kind of experience was different, as were his feelings towards the US different than Rex’s, and that was the point, because a healthy relationship was about compromise.

The topic took yet another turn. Rex revealed his thoughts and insights on his experience in places of the world where civilians had absolutely no deal to be and where poverty and misery were daily company of innocent people because of the government. Daniel had only so much heard about those places and read and heard about their situations on the internet and on the news. Not having to think about it was a privilege he liked to embrace. He watched horror movies in his free time to see fake horror instead of real horror and while it was one of the most cowardly ways to deal with it, he didn’t know what else to do. Rex’s view was a different one, having been in the services and having had to travel to those places, fight, survive and hope. He said that he listened to music from the US to feel his home, feel his country, and probably also to feel at peace. Daniel wondered if there was a connection between that and Rex’s view on living in a different country with a different language; maybe it was just easier for him here. As he had mentioned himself: he was a person who felt attached to their home, and that makes sense for him. He wanted to be at ‘home’, wanted to be where he felt like he belonged to; a place where he felt safe and good, where he knew every corner and stone, every face and pet. A village person through and through, Daniel thought, and not even close to comparable to a big city. He guessed that, after Rex had been in the city before, that attachment to a home close to nature had become significantly stronger.

 

If Rex’s family hadn’t pushed him to be in the military, how would he have grown up to be? Because being a soldier was nothing to be envious about and being sent to fight in the world’s dangerous and deadly spots was nothing to glorify. It was, in fact, terrible. A terrible experience with terrible consequences on the mind. It formed a person, changed them, and sometimes broke them. And then there were people out there who had never seen what a solider had seen and yet didn’t think anything was wrong with glorifying war and making soldiers out to be heroes or, even worse, telling them in the face to go find a job if they ended up on the street because of a lack of support by the government. Yes, privileged, that was the key word here. Or lucky, if you wanted to say it more nicely.

 

Now, had Daniel ever wanted to be in a place that he felt like he belonged to? Even if Rex had asked that question ten minutes ago already, Daniel still didn’t have an answer. Rex missed his own home and he wished that he had never left in the first place. That sounded like something everyone could relate to, compared to the alligator wrestling, but again, Daniel couldn’t. A place where he belonged to? What did that feel like? Comfortable, safe, familiar? What did ‘homey’ imply?

 

God, a glass of Whiskey would make this easier. He was weak for thinking that, because he knew by now that Rex didn’t judge him anymore, he truly listened and understood him. Yet, Daniel felt that his answers were shallow in comparison to Rex’s. All of Rex’s stories were backed up with so much experience, so many memories, such an intense life, while all that Daniel had to offer was a way too bitter vodka-soda with a slice of cowardice instead of a lime and a bunch of cubes made of egocentric life decisions instead of ice. But no matter how hard the times had been that Rex had gone through, he had made it out with his own strength, with sheer willpower, and Daniel was convinced that he could only learn from that. And he was glad that he had gotten to know the soft core under Rex’s tough appearance.

 

The stone in Daniel’s chest decreased its weight slightly when he heard Rex ask him what his taste in music told him about him as a person. It made Daniel chuckle. “Oh, it’s not something big like astrology. It’s just that different soundwaves have a different effect on people’s brains, and every brain is different, thus there’s different personalities who seem to follow a pattern of what they might like,” he explained. “It’s not like metal makes you a gangster or rock’n’roll makes you a sex-driven person. It’s more that it’s a surprise; if you get what I mean. Basically, music works like ‘don’t judge a book by its colour’. It triggers feelings and emotions, and science has proven that music helps to deal with certain moods. I just find it really fascinating, is all.”

 

Rex had had a lot of hobbies when he had been younger and he had picked up carpeting later, but after Sebastian’s death, he hadn’t even considered picking up old or new hobbies. Of course, since a part of him was taken off this world together with Sebastian. It was only natural to fall into sorrow that consumed an unimaginable amount of someone’s life. And it made Daniel wonder if things might change with himself now in Rex’s life. Would Rex find it appealing again to do carpeting? To go hiking, too, maybe? To feel at home and at peace? Because if anything, Daniel wished for Rex to be happy and successful. To have all that back what he was missing.

 

Then, suddenly, Rex shook his head and returned to the original topic, hobbies. Daniel looked at him in surprise first, then his lips turned into an affectionate smile. “You know, if there’s a time where you feel like you want to talk about things that aren’t love, peace and harmony, then I am going to listen. I don’t really have any advice or anything and I sure as hell am not qualified to tell you anything, but I will be there, and I will listen. We’ve talked about Sebastian before, but once isn’t always enough.” He then leaned back into the passenger’s seat and shook his head to Rex’s question. “I didn’t really have hobbies besides music. I tried out a few things. Archery, swimming, competitive running, painting, horse riding, skating, but it all never lasted for longer than a few months. I got tired of most of it pretty quickly. I took a liking to baking when I started cooking for myself at ten, but I only experimented a little during summer break and Christmas and such. As for hobbies I’d like to try now…” Daniel’s eyes wandered to the side thoughtfully, but he eventually shrugged. “Not really. I still think baking is pretty nice, but otherwise I feel like there isn’t something I absolutely have to try. I like going along with people though, so if you, for example, would want to go hiking or fishing once, I’d come along. I think that any activity can be fun when you’re with someone you like.”

 

He grinned. “Of course, you and I, we have a lot of more intimate activities we can try and see if we like.”

 

“But otherwise, I think I am good with baking, movies, a job and just lying on a coach and staring up at the ceiling and holding your hand at the moment.”

 

The state sign that read ‘Virginia’ soon passed them by with speed. The sunrise had begun and it was colouring the horizon in a beautifully crimson colour before he first streaks of light brought a shimmery yellow into he mix. The darkness of the night was slowly being pushed up and the moon, which was still hanging high up in the dark blue, would soon vanish from sight. Daniel was used to seeing the sunset and sunrise more than anything, but such a phenomenon never ceased to lighten his mood. “To settle and find a home…” Daniel repeated thoughtfully, feeling bad for not even having answered Rex’s first question, so he thought about putting it all together now. “I have never felt like I needed a place to belong to. Even if my mother’s hotel was kinda my home, it was never really something like an own house or an own apartment. We had guests every day and every night. It was more a working environment with a room of my own. And then I started living in other hotels and moving around from state to state. Every place I went to got me new excitement because I liked meeting new people,” he told. “It was comfortable. No strings attached, you know? I could move around freely, from place to place. I didn’t really feel anything when I came home or went back into a hotel room.” Daniel shifted in his seat; the excitement visible on his face with a bright smile. “Like right now on this road trip! We just left Virginia and it feels incredible. All the people around here don’t know us, and we don’t know them. It’s like being a ghost.” He sighed blissfully. “So, I don’t actually know if I wanted to settle down somewhere. Maybe with a lot of travelling? But when I try to imagine a ‘home’ like you said… it’s not a house or an apartment. It’s like this here. It’s you. A home makes you feel safe and comfortable, right? But it’s you who makes me feel safe and comfortable. When I try to think about living in a city or a village, it doesn’t really trigger anything. Same with a mansion or a ranch.”

 

Daniel tapped his chin. “Am I being too touchy-feely about it? Damn, I think this is one of the hardest questions you’ve asked me since I’ve known you…” He tried thinking about it, hard, crossing his arms softly over his chest and narrowing his eyebrows. “You see, when I imagine something like ‘home’, then a single scene comes to my mind, and it’s someone I really like in a room, but the room doesn’t matter. It could be an office, a bedroom, a hotel room. – Then again,” he added, “I am only in my thirties. My view might change really randomly in the next few years.”

 

Daniel paused, then he turned back to look at Rex. “You, on the other hand, seem like you have a really good picture of ‘home’ in your mind. Is it like your old home? A house close to nature?”

[-Hideki-]

Rex couldn’t help himself but to laugh a deep laugh when Daniel expressed that he was glad that he had won his wrestling matches against the Mississippi alligators. “Yeah, so am I!” the blond man said and he could feel the touch of his boyfriends hand on his own that was lying on the gearstick.

The smirk on his face changed into a rather trusting, intimate smile and he went on to tell the other something that he hadn’t actually said out loud ever before. “I was scare shitless when I’ve been up against my first alligator.” The man confessed. “I totally didn’t feel like fighting that damn thing. But the high and the pride that I felt when I got myself to do it and to actually win was on an even different level, I felt indestructible that day.” He told the other.

“So if you ever wanna try it, we can always look for a nice alligator to wrestle before we go to my parent’s place.” the former soldier jested with a lopsided grin on his face.
And in the end he’d rather be facing an entire swamp full of alligators than his parents. Compared to his father the alligators could be described as open-minded, gentle and sensitive souls.

Asking Daniel whether he had ever felt that he belonged somewhere, whether he had ever been at home somewhere so to speak remained unanswered instead it created a long silence and Hutson could see a musing expression on his lover’s face and it was one of those moments in which no answer was also an answer.

It was a little sad. Rex imagined that someone lacking a place to call home, someone who didn’t feel that he belonged anywhere must experience some restlessness inside. The blond man imagined it like wandering through the world without a destination, without rest, comfort or to ever arrive anyway, like fighting a battle without a cause, for nothing at all.

“Makes sense.” The blond man found when the brunette explained to him that different brains reacted differently to different sounds and tunes and that one could see a certain pattern in personality within people who felt drawn to different genres of music. “I never really thought about that.” He added. “That must mean that some brains must be quite fucked up if they respond well to hip hop.” He couldn’t help himself but to say, his lips twitching up into a mischievous smile.

When the conversation about their hobbies had Rex’s thoughts drifting away and he snapped himself out of it again the other man offered him that he would listen if he ever wanted to talk about Sebastian with him. But even if he wanted to he couldn’t and even if he could he didn’t think it was wise to crush Daniel with the pain and the horrors which he felt and had experienced. With the pictures and dreams that hunted him.

The other said he wasn’t a professional but he was there to listen but he doubted that Daniel was equipped to listen to this. The man liked to watch horror movies he had told him but there were things happening that surpassed horror movies by far and they were very real, all too real. And although he deemed Daniels intent as sincere and good he doubted that the man would be capable of handling the misery and horrors Rex had seen that continued to live on his mind and if he was to reveal them the other would run from the abyss of darkness out of fear to be consumed by it or, and that was even worse, he’d jump right into it and drown.

“I appreciate that.” He told him and he did appreciate that he wanted to help him and was apparently concerned but he didn’t think it was a good idea. “Maybe you will learn one or the other thing. Maybe that will already be too much.” He stated calmly.

His boyfriend then decided to answer the questions about his own hobbies though and Rex learned that the other had been as flaky with his hobbies as with the men in his life and that he had tried many things but had never stuck to one and committed to it for a long time. Backing was something that he at least still liked to do, so that was something.

“Well, maybe you’d like to bake me something sometimes then. I’ll definitely eat it too and not refuse it due to calories. I’m not vain.” He winked with a grin. “We could even have a tea party; I could invite Mad Hatter and the March Hare.” By which he meant Roger and David and he laughed about his own joke. Also about the fact that he had just made a reference to a fictional story. “Alice in Wonderland was Ginny’s favourite book. We had to read it together all the time.” The blond told Daniel something about his sister whom he had met in the restaurant and then once more outside of the restaurant pleading Rex to talk sense into their father in favour of their sister Hannah.

 The former Major General shook his head while he let hear a snorting laugh when the other male jestingly reminded him that there were a lot more intimate activities that they could do and see whether they liked them. “You will find I’m pretty simple in that regards and simple to satisfy as well.” He told him. “I might actually bore you. I probably gotta step up my game huh?”

“Now that I can definitely satisfy. The movie part might be a little challenge but I am sure I can handle that.” The blond man stated when the other said that he was good with baking movies and lying on the sofa together holding hands.

  While they were driving into the rising sun that was going up in North Carolina he listened to Daniel’s answer about whether or not the other man had ever longed for a place to call home and to be at home somewhere.

And in the end there was a part of it that he could understand when he thought about it more and that Daniel’s feeling of home was connected to a person rather than a place. It made sense to him in the end. Being with a person could contain all those memories and feelings, the attachment and there could be a strong bond and thus a feeling of belonging to this person, to feel at home and at ease wherever that person was. Yes, he could see that. He had had those feelings for Sebastian as well. And many of the memories and feelings connected to his home state were likewise connected to Sebastian also.

“I understand.” The blond man spoke quietly with his deep voice, it was almost a hum and he slightly nodded.

When he was asked whether it was a house similar to the one he had grown up in that came to his mind when he thought about home he shook his head though. “No.” He said.

“It is more than that. It is a feeling of familiarity with the nature, the costumes, the people and the surrounding, it’s the memories which are kind of your roots to it, it’s everything from the smell, the sight, the atmosphere, the pace in which the everyday life operates there that is just in tune with your own, the similarities you share with the people around you, the ability to relate to your surroundings and what is going on around you.” Hutson expressed and the he mused.

“In the end many of my important memories connected to the place, of my roots are also connected to Sebastian though at the same time.” Rex admitted. “So you had me wondering how much of my sense of home and my feeling of belonging into my home village were actually connected to Sebastian and how we grew up there, lived there and the special moments we spend at all the different places.” The former soldier mused. What if he got back after all that, after all that had happened and realised that even though the place still existed and he still knew every stone and every leave, that yet everything had changed for him after all and what he’d feel would not be a sense of belonging anymore at all but merely nostalgia and melancholy.

What if, together with Sebastian, his home had died too?  What if one couldn’t fight to preserve and converse those roots, that attachment and feeling of belonging because it was attached to very specific people and memories much more so than the place itself and the broader cultural identity, even though it operated as a unifying factor? It was a terrifying thought to him. A thought, that if true, would be detrimental to his worldview.

He shuddered, even though it was everything but cold in the car.

[♠[Rin]♠]

Rex admitted his fear before fighting the alligator, and while it appeared he had a hard time saying it, Daniel felt it was the most natural emotion imaginable in that scenario. "I think I am good, to be honest," he played along with the joke. "I prefer cats over alligators. Slight difference." Then, Rex continued to comment on Daniel's explanation on the influence of music on the brain, and when he made the joke about hip-hop, Daniel couldn't help but grin but also gave Rex's shoulder a gentle shove in response -- way too gentle, perhaps, since Rex was driving and he didn't care for an accident. "You're hilarious, anyone ever told you that?" 

However, the happy mood decreased as the topic shifted to Sebastian and Daniel's offer to listen to anything Rex had to carry around, and as Rex explained vaguely, Daniel chose to take the hint. Of course, what Rex had to have seen was beyond his imagination, and his feelings could very much be too strong to even put in words. Sometimes, nothing could help, and sometimes there was no medicine. Sometimes, there was just hurt in the face of the will to keep on living. 

Rex brought baking up after Daniel had listed him the hobbies had already tried. As a response for the first three sentences, Daniel felt a warmth tickle in his chest, but then Rex added 'Mad Hatter' and 'March Mare' to the mix, referring to the only two possible people who could fit that description, and Daniel grinned self-humouringly. "Alright. I'll remember to bring tea." In fact, of course, he wasn't opposed to baking something if Rex promised to try it. But he was still aware that eating too many baking goods wasn't healthy either. That was the main reason why baking was such a painful hobby; so many things to try and make, so little time to eat, such a little number of people to force to cost. "Do you eat with your eyes, usually? Then I'd also accept a challenge if you saw something that looked tasty to you." 

"A good choice, really," Daniel then answered. "Alice in Wonderland is a great story, I've heard. It's highly regarded for good reasons." Then again, he didn't want to claim that he knew all too well. He hadn't ever looked into literature much. "I vaguely remember talking about it in literature class in school. Very vaguely. But what I remember clearly is being surprised how well done it was." So, yeah, Ginny had had great taste as a kid and he found it adorable, but he chose not to say it. 

Rex laughed at Daniel's suggestive comment. "Don't you worry," Daniel replied. "I can help you step up your game, if you'd like. If not, that's fine with me." After all, there was a difference between having sex for the sake of sex and an orgasm or having sex with a partner whom one loved. Daniel was down to doing vanilla with Rex because it was Rex; otherwise, he had tried the most various things with a variety of partners and at a variety of places. A whore to the core, he could hear his mother's voice say in his head, but he had long ago chosen not to think that way. Sex was just sex; a need for many, a nightmare for others, a mystery for the asexual, a means to an end, a heartfelt experience. Sex was just sex, a game, but with Rex, it was something beautiful and warm. But in the end, Rex agreed to lying on the sofa and holding hands together, and it made Daniel chuckle in delight. 

Then, Rex explained his version of 'homey' and 'belonging'. It came to no surprise to Daniel how different it was. Truly, Rex felt a connection to his roots. Maybe he wanted to feel it. And right now, he was questioning if that very place he belonged would still have the same place in his heart. Daniel, of course, didn't have an answer to that, as he couldn't relate, but he could faintly imagine that it had to feel like losing something precious and wondering if you could ever get it back again. It was all mental. Naturally, Rex had no physical connection to his hometown. If anything, connections like that were a concept which humankind had come up with. Still, it appeared it was that very feeling of belonging and being part of a bigger group that humans sought. Daniel couldn't blame Rex for thinking like that. 

Sebastian was dead. The day he had died, he had taken parts of Rex with him. It had to feel like floating, cut off from reality at every angle. 

"You will only know once we get there," Daniel said. "And we could stay a bit if you'd like. Wander around. Visit places. Or if it's too painful, we can leave after going to your parents." It was a stupid thing to say, he thought afterwards. It sounded so cliché and he didn't know if that was what Rex needed to hear. On second thought, the grew insecure whether or not Rex needed to hear anything in the first place. Perhaps, he just needed someone to be with him. "As you said, you grew up there together. Your hometown is most likely inevitably connected to Sebastian. But I think it can still be your belonging place, because in the end, you grew up there, be it with others or alone. Every place you know knows you in return. You have your own memories and viewpoints of the places in your hometown, and if it really comes down to your feelings being connected to Sebastian instead, then ..." 

The hairs on Rex's hands and neck stood. Daniel sank back into the passenger seat as he fixed Rex's side profile. "Then the question will be: do you want to find a new place to call home or do you want to try and rebuild your ties with your hometown?" 

Because in the end, it was Rex's choice and no-one else's. He had to be resilient to the pain -- if he wanted to or not.