iMarionette Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 And here's one for Ukes~ Everybody in the entire world has gay inclinations. Have a high school crush of the same gender? Go ahead and confess! If he doesn't feel the same way about you already, the depth of your feelings will soon sway him. No matter how much your seme down talks, punches, verbally abuses, physically abuses, or rapes you, never doubt his feelings for you for an instant. That cast on your leg is just how he shows you that he loves you. Doctors always do perverted things to their patients. All co-workers are gay for you. The one being friendly? Definitely. The one ignoring you? Uh-huh. The one who glares at you non-stop? Probably out to kidnap and/or rape you. The workplace is a sexually charged environment. High schools are dangerous, dangerous places for a growing uke, too. Everyone's gay for you. Students, teachers, school doctors... only the old cleaning lady might be straight. Might. But, then again, "she" could actually be a "man" with a clever disguise on trying to gain your trust. Don't trust guys in uniforms - whether they're high school, military, or police. Uniforms are a threat to your chastity, young uke. No matter how many bad experiences you will go through, you will continue to be just as naive as you were on your first day out of your mother's uterus. Do not, I repeat: do NOT, pick up any strays. You think you're being a Good Samaritan, but they'll refuse to move out, then you're stuck with an extra mouth to feed, and they probably (see: definitely) have a bad yakuza past behind them that you'll be dragged into as a hostage. And, oh, you'll probably end up discovering that you're gay. Your first love LASTS FOREVER. Doesn't matter if it was ten years ago or when you were still in the womb - chances are that if you just an't forget this guy, who probably protected you from bullies and scary dogs, he's your one and only. If you're an uke, you're destined to blush. A lot. Doesn't matter how old you are, doesn't matter how COLD you are - if your seme says anything remotely romantic, if your seme looks at you, if your seme thinks about you, you're gonna have a full-body blush. All American males - straight, gay, or otherwise - will, undoubtedly, greet each other with a big, passionate smooch on the mouth. It's just friendly! During a spontaneous bout of woohoo, you will always be naked (socks are optional depending on your seme's mood/fetishes), and semes are almost always fully clothed. It is impossible to "switch it up". Once and uke, always an uke. Forget ever topping. Semes may love their ukes a lot, but not enough to bottom. Ever. Ukes are world champions on getting teary-eyed (this, of course, to emphasize a quintessential uke trait: vulnerability) Sorry, young uke, but your semes cure to just about everything is rape sex. Poor uke has the sniffles? Sex! The uke has a broken leg? Sex! The uke got raped by the seme's conniving archrival? SEX! If one could package this treatment and sell it as a cure-all, that person would be a millionaire. 90% of the male population from ages 10-40 is gay. The remaining 10% still has yet to come out. Unfortunately, rape or any form of sexual assault is a typical back-story for any uke. Ouch. Your seme knows what's best for you no matter what. He won't let you go out and meet a fellow male friend? Good, he was probably going to try something funny with you anyway. He kidnapped you? It's for your own protection. He's a sociopath serial killer? It's to rid the world of crazy loons who may hurt you in the future. He raped you? IT'S LOVE. No questions asked. No matter how hard you try, if you're an uke you will most likely end up as a 1950s housewife. But your seme depends on you. He may never admit it, but it secretly makes him very happy to see his toilets shining from all of your cute hard work. Good job. No matter how careful your seme is, if he's a dangerous guy/has any enemies at all, chances are that you will be kidnapped and held hostage. And, while that happens, your captors will want to have some "fun with you" due to your cute looks. Alas, there is no way to prepare for such an attack, young uke, but don't be alarmed: Your seme will always save you before your kidnappers can rape you. If your seme has a rival, he will fall in love with you. Try to act shocked when you discover this. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandicream Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Lol, "All co-workers are gay for you. The one being friendly? Definitely. The one ignoring you? Uh-huh. The one who glares at you non-stop? Probably out to kidnap and/or rape you. The workplace is a sexually charged environment." That's my favorite! :Red_fox: Thank you for this neat guide! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Mitsukuni~ Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Hahaha "Everyone's gay for you" dude! that was too funny And.. "Doctors always do perverted things to their patients." ..well I used to suspect that lmao XDDDD 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloneness Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 This is so epic and made me giggle :3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cat_greenmoon Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 XD I loved this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasunarufan13 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Read it for the second time and I'm still loving it LOL 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dulcehakaido Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 LOVE IT :hamtaro-005 (4): 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirotsuki Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 i can't stop laughing!! ahahahah this is to good to be true! lmao~ just perfect!!! xDDD 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloneness Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I need to find that picture again T.T *trying to find a super appropriate picture for the uke survival guide its on my laptop so I'll get it later* 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dulcehakaido Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 wow is amazing what it say in this guide:hamtaro-005 (6): 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1978 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 That is it!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toby2663 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 armed with this guide I am one uke who can go forward to face the future confidently 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC20 Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 If your seme has a rival, he will fall in love with you. Try to act shocked when you discover this. Only the old cleaning lady might be straight. Might. But, then again, "she" could actually be a "man" with a clever disguise on trying to gain your trust. Haha hilarious 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yin_yang_lover Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Oh my lord! That's so very true! XD 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Everlynn Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 My mind just exploded from the epicness of this guide... XD AWESOME job on this guide d(^,^)b Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gin Posted November 18, 2012 Share Posted November 18, 2012 Doctors always do perverted things to their patients.... Well based on stalking experience---er (*scratches head) that's kinda half true..neh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Ashton~ Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 So...my seme and I are reading our appropriated guides and matching them up XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomo-chi Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Came across these guides some tame ago, but I'm still trying hard to keep the one for uke's somewhere my seme won't find it or it'll give him even more ideas than he already has XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musica Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 this guide is definitely an Uke Must Have... :hamtaro-005 (6): Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anessen Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 I kinda want to make this a hardcover manual, like a military survival guide. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
breemania Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I love this guide. Haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ero Gaki Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 During a spontaneous bout of woohoo, you will always be naked (socks are optional depending on your seme's mood/fetishes), and semes are almost always fully clothed. TRUE DAT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marygrace94 Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 hahha..this is hilarious..hahaha.. rabbit8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kyeo Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 Huh... I guess I should blush more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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